Texts From Last Night · jcphoto703's Favorites

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jcphoto703's Favorites Texts:

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.

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(510): View more from California

A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out

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(720): View more from Colorado

We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.

(970): View more from Colorado

Oooh, he sounds pretty classy

(720): View more from Colorado

Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(407): View more from Florida

Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(301): View more from Maryland

Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?

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(613): View more from Ontario

You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(404): View more from Georgia

Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.

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(607): View more from New York

You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.

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(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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(845): View more from New York

Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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(641): View more from Iowa

Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.

(844): View more from

Oh its going to be that type of weekend?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(530): View more from California

Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.

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(206): View more from Washington

I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.

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(804): View more from Virginia

We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.

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(310): View more from California

She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL

(310): View more from California

so no, not her best night

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

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(315): View more from New York

Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?

(518): View more from New York

Its called bad cop laid cop.

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?

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(251): View more from Alabama

Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(917): View more from New York City

She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(253): View more from Washington

At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(917): View more from New York City

I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(423): View more from Tennessee

no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms

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(408): View more from California

I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

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(515): View more from Iowa

If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

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(813): View more from Florida

I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward

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(415): View more from California

And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

(1-415): View more from California

What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

(415): View more from California

He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

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(970): View more from Colorado

But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(301): View more from Maryland

please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

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(831): View more from California

period poops. best. ever.

(925): View more from California

omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit

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(773): View more from Illinois

His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

(708): View more from Illinois

Oh Jesus.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...

(847): View more from Illinois

And they lived happily ever after....

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(678): View more from Georgia

Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(850): View more from Florida

At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.

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(914): View more from New York

Did I miss anything?

(1-914): View more from New York

A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.

(914): View more from New York

so we also did drugs

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet

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(734): View more from Michigan

i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes

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(480): View more from Arizona

I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."

(1-480): View more from Arizona

SHUT IT DOWN.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE

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(778): View more from British Columbia

you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that

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(206): View more from Washington

Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.

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(845): View more from New York

she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave

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(713): View more from Texas

It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog

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(250): View more from British Columbia

WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??

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(905): View more from Ontario

No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Are my feet made of real feet?

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(805): View more from California

Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"

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