Texts From Last Night · liothei's Favorites

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liothei's Favorites Texts:

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back

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(519): View more from Ontario

And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Vodka?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Forever.

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(707): View more from California

Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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(210): View more from Texas

You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'

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(940): View more from Texas

I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.

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(503): View more from Oregon

there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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(256): View more from Alabama

I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?

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(410): View more from Maryland

You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(541): View more from Oregon

I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.

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(315): View more from New York

gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!

(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not seeing this movie with you.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.

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(214): View more from Texas

IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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(+55): View more from

Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Stop whining I left you with whiskey

(224): View more from Illinois

YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(845): View more from New York

Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(703): View more from Virginia

BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.

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(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.

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(818): View more from California

I hate you but I'm not in hate with you

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(914): View more from New York

woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again

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(330): View more from Ohio

It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.

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(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

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(512): View more from Texas

last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie

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(949): View more from California

Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life

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(620): View more from Kansas

It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(516): View more from New York

I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank

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(314): View more from Missouri

CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

(+04): View more from

Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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(530): View more from California

Maybe I'm a robot.

(831): View more from California

You can't be that drunk already

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(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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(425): View more from Washington

One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(518): View more from New York

I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(518): View more from New York

Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!

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(214): View more from Texas

Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

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(+27): View more from South Africa

i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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(925): View more from California

Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

(1-925): View more from California

Come on man nobody wants to admit that

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(917): View more from New York City

I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch

(740): View more from Ohio

enter at your own risk

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(602): View more from Arizona

making cat noises will not fix the situation.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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(210): View more from Texas

The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced

(210): View more from Texas

The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks

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(613): View more from Ontario

She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.

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(607): View more from New York

Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.

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(949): View more from California

Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer

(1-949): View more from California

Party on wayne

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.

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(586): View more from Michigan

On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes

(586): View more from Michigan

I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(561): View more from Florida

Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.

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(972): View more from Texas

Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.

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(254): View more from Texas

Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

(254): View more from Texas

Tornado warnings are fun!

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom

(636): View more from Missouri

You know how us drunks love counting steps

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(314): View more from Missouri

who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(619): View more from California

let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out

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(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(703): View more from Virginia

I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal

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(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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(208): View more from Idaho

when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(509): View more from Washington

There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

why im i the only drunk person in the library?

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(443): View more from Maryland

So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

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(716): View more from New York

Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.

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(817): View more from Texas

But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities

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(256): View more from Alabama

Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy

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(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(313): View more from Michigan

I wish I could punch you in the face.

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(650): View more from California

Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity

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(212): View more from New York

guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME

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(619): View more from California

well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.

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(940): View more from Texas

Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

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(248): View more from Michigan

if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me

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(704): View more from North Carolina

my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.

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(248): View more from Michigan

After last night, I could never be a politician.

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(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(254): View more from Texas

Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(416): View more from Ontario

I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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(417): View more from Missouri

Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(207): View more from Maine

I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.

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(573): View more from Missouri

This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(847): View more from Illinois

2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.

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(530): View more from California

i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(904): View more from Florida

Champagne is a vitamin, right?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

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(523): View more from

Hey did where's my bong?

(1-523): View more from

In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right

(523): View more from

Should I bother to ask?

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(305): View more from Florida

No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(407): View more from Florida

Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.

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(407): View more from Florida

I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin

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(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

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(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.

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(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

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(903): View more from Texas

I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

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(518): View more from New York

our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.

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(816): View more from Missouri

There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?

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(619): View more from California

he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up

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(740): View more from Ohio

Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably

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(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

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(972): View more from Texas

Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

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(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

(708): View more from Illinois

Oh Jesus.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(778): View more from British Columbia

It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.

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(410): View more from Maryland

In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub

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(613): View more from Ontario

what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?

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(516): View more from New York

It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

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(207): View more from Maine

Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

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(206): View more from Washington

And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music

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(415): View more from California

What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag

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(559): View more from California

Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

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(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

how do you feel about lunch break shots ?

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(972): View more from Texas

I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.

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(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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(206): View more from Washington

I think I have vodka in my lungs

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(845): View more from New York

you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

oh my god i'm in a crawl space

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.

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(845): View more from New York

Drunk

(845): View more from New York

Deyhxbr

(845): View more from New York

Fucaerrrrr

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(775): View more from Nevada

You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.

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(386): View more from Florida

its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight

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(530): View more from California

Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(407): View more from Florida

Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.

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(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

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(702): View more from Nevada

I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.

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(760): View more from California

i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I have no recollection of sleep choking you

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(734): View more from Michigan

I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

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(519): View more from Ontario

ambylanc

(1-519): View more from Ontario

what?

(519): View more from Ontario

there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.

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(210): View more from Texas

ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!

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(847): View more from Illinois

I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

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(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

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(585): View more from New York

you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(206): View more from Washington

Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.

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(319): View more from Iowa

The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.

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(281): View more from Texas

JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US

(281): View more from Texas

WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW

(281): View more from Texas

THE REISLING ATRACEX US

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(925): View more from California

you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand

(816): View more from Missouri

team rage. no explanation necessary

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

(910): View more from North Carolina

succeeding

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.

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(419): View more from Ohio

my computer doesn't work...

(619): View more from California

why?

(419): View more from Ohio

i puked on it last night

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(205): View more from Alabama

I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...

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(909): View more from California

I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.

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(419): View more from Ohio

two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

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(602): View more from Arizona

where are you

(303): View more from Colorado

in your bedroom

(602): View more from Arizona

how did you get in

(303): View more from Colorado

your wife…

(602): View more from Arizona

WTF

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm

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(217): View more from Illinois

This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(815): View more from Illinois

we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.

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(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"

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(480): View more from Arizona

So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

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(303): View more from Colorado

We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex

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(614): View more from Ohio

Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.

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(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(514): View more from Quebec

No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.

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(518): View more from New York

Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!

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(310): View more from California

We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd

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(716): View more from New York

I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles

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(972): View more from Texas

My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex

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(917): View more from New York City

this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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(970): View more from Colorado

so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(310): View more from California

I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble

(1-310): View more from California

Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(440): View more from Ohio

"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."

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(845): View more from New York

Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

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(310): View more from California

My entire life is one complicated drinking game

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(512): View more from Texas

I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra

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(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just saw the nastiest chick.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Where?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?

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(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(727): View more from Florida

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(727): View more from Florida

ooooooooooooo i'm drink

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.

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(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I had another sleeping on concrete incident.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

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(847): View more from Illinois

We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things

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(817): View more from Texas

i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

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(516): View more from New York

I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.

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(206): View more from Washington

you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."

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(614): View more from Ohio

Acid is not a monday night drug

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(204): View more from Manitoba

you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(319): View more from Iowa

Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just cropdusted the office

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(251): View more from Alabama

I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party

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(417): View more from Missouri

So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(520): View more from Arizona

The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong

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(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.

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(646): View more from New York

I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(845): View more from New York

i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore

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(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

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(443): View more from Maryland

That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now

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(802): View more from Vermont

Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone

(802): View more from Vermont

Tonite tequila might call you

(802): View more from Vermont

Be prepared

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(253): View more from Washington

she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't

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(925): View more from California

Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'

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(303): View more from Colorado

meet me or not, i'm out of control

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(281): View more from Texas

My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(757): View more from Virginia

Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"

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(602): View more from Arizona

It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass

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(585): View more from New York

This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.

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(631): View more from New York

if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

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(813): View more from Florida

If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure

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(914): View more from New York

he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

we should wear snuggies to the strip club

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(314): View more from Missouri

last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(760): View more from California

my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(517): View more from Michigan

She just said, "are my livers going to die?"

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(703): View more from Virginia

im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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(510): View more from California

I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.

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(779): View more from Illinois

Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(410): View more from Maryland

If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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(646): View more from New York

vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic

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(480): View more from Arizona

Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.

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(818): View more from California

I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck

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(607): View more from New York

When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I am in a vortex of obligation.

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(518): View more from New York

bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

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(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm lost and stupid without you.

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(752): View more from California

i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt

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(714): View more from California

I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

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(443): View more from Maryland

I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"

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(440): View more from Ohio

oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.

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(703): View more from Virginia

..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making

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(813): View more from Florida

My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

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(917): View more from New York City

Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go

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(317): View more from Indiana

i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex

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(256): View more from Alabama

that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level

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(954): View more from Florida

I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?

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(703): View more from Virginia

just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,

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(509): View more from Washington

I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

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(785): View more from Kansas

This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday

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(817): View more from Texas

Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(802): View more from Vermont

I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i live my life in a constant state of hangover.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We took shots in honor of Shark Week.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(315): View more from New York

Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I only lived at night.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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