Texts From Last Night · littlecat26's Favorites

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littlecat26's Favorites Texts:

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"

(406): View more from Montana

Midwestern nice.

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(478): View more from Georgia

IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV

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(503): View more from Oregon

Gym?

(801): View more from Utah

Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on

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(618): View more from Illinois

He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero

(618): View more from Illinois

I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(951): View more from California

omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited

(951): View more from California

dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess

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(530): View more from California

That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.

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(914): View more from New York

I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon

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(207): View more from Maine

Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(512): View more from Texas

scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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(248): View more from Michigan

Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.

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(516): View more from New York

If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?

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(941): View more from Florida

Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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(713): View more from Texas

I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.

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(757): View more from Virginia

This theraflu would make for a great margarita.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I can make a sudafedarita

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.

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(646): View more from New York

So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT

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(556): View more from

Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

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(607): View more from New York

Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

(607): View more from New York

Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

oh my god i'm in a crawl space

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(407): View more from Florida

i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis

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(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.

(478): View more from Georgia

Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us

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(647): View more from Ontario

Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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(315): View more from New York

There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy

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(513): View more from Ohio

i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(201): View more from New Jersey

On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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(847): View more from Illinois

This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(937): View more from Ohio

Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.

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(514): View more from Quebec

What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(847): View more from Illinois

If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(516): View more from New York

Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(619): View more from California

Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

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(905): View more from Toronto

No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

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(303): View more from Colorado

Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(785): View more from Kansas

if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

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(705): View more from Ontario

How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?

(1-705): View more from Ontario

I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.

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(404): View more from Georgia

look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

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(630): View more from Illinois

Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(716): View more from New York

Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(904): View more from Florida

I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.

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(480): View more from Arizona

So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(251): View more from Alabama

The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(509): View more from Washington

Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(815): View more from Illinois

Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

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(618): View more from Illinois

It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(315): View more from New York

THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

myspace Music?

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(450): View more from Quebec

I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...

(450): View more from Quebec

On that note, do I have a rule?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(513): View more from Ohio

just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(559): View more from California

With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

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(334): View more from Alabama

I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Where were you when I was single???

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Still in diapers.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(269): View more from Michigan

I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.

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(813): View more from Florida

She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(850): View more from Florida

OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.

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(312): View more from Illinois

the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

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(415): View more from California

Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

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(509): View more from Washington

I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..

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(631): View more from New York

My cock was attacked by outdoor plants

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(317): View more from Indiana

You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...

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(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(903): View more from Texas

My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(407): View more from Florida

I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..

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(225): View more from Louisiana

We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(360): View more from Washington

I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.

(1-360): View more from Washington

That changes everything.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

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(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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(563): View more from Iowa

please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My cha cha got a haircut

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Intervention is following me on twitter.

(440): View more from Ohio

wow.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(650): View more from California

some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(561): View more from Florida

I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot

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(806): View more from Texas

A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

(501): View more from Arkansas

Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

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(970): View more from Colorado

How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?

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(818): View more from California

I'm like cupid

(1-818): View more from California

You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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(503): View more from Oregon

You'll be proud of me

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Who did you not have sex with

(503): View more from Oregon

Damn it...you know me too well

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

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(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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(661): View more from California

No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?

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(312): View more from Illinois

awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

(708): View more from Illinois

Did someone propose they get off the stage?

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(925): View more from California

can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet

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(313): View more from Michigan

Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

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(254): View more from Texas

my sisters under your porch take her home

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(901): View more from Tennessee

oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass

(901): View more from Tennessee

fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.

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(616): View more from Michigan

margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(310): View more from California

Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.

(310): View more from California

Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.

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(917): View more from New York City

last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks

(917): View more from New York City

this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed

(917): View more from New York City

he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?

(718): View more from New York

messed up. what color are the wings?

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(917): View more from New York City

She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.

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(917): View more from New York City

you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.

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(917): View more from New York City

Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.

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(925): View more from California

dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning

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(850): View more from Florida

u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(669): View more from California

sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall

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(817): View more from Texas

why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.

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(703): View more from Virginia

BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just saw the nastiest chick.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Where?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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(708): View more from Illinois

you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!

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(917): View more from New York City

i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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(763): View more from Minnesota

dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve

(608): View more from Wisconsin

clearly you are not from wisconsin

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(681): View more from West Virginia

Where are I am going home with Ryan

(601): View more from Mississippi

I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it

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(217): View more from Illinois

What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

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(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

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(206): View more from Washington

Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

(360): View more from Washington

You're getting good at this, you know that?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.

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(954): View more from Florida

i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.

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(253): View more from Washington

I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding

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(954): View more from Florida

i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi

(425): View more from Washington

hahaha how?

(954): View more from Florida

its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery

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(469): View more from Texas

You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(480): View more from Arizona

she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You might as well just give her the money now.

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(432): View more from Texas

TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.

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(661): View more from California

I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(419): View more from Ohio

Want to have sex later?

(614): View more from Ohio

This feels like a trap

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