Texts From Last Night · pogotheclown's Favorites

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(818): View more from California

Jake died.

(310): View more from California

WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

(818): View more from California

Oops typo. Jake cried.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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(817): View more from Texas

This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(323): View more from California

I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(631): View more from New York

I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.

(1-631): View more from New York

I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(818): View more from California

I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This hangover is way worse than all my relationships

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(765): View more from Indiana

You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.

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(216): View more from Ohio

thus making me awesome and them whores

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(708): View more from Illinois

Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(917): View more from New York City

i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.

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(907): View more from Alaska

scale of 1-10 how well do I give head

(1-907): View more from Alaska

5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

The beer is more important than you right now.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(210): View more from Texas

You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(850): View more from Florida

We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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(301): View more from Maryland

she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

(203): View more from Connecticut

but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

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(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.

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(847): View more from Illinois

She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just pynch a tree in the face

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better

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(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

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(310): View more from California

Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies

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(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(404): View more from Georgia

look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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(773): View more from Illinois

I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(817): View more from Texas

i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.

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(936): View more from Texas

Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

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(281): View more from Texas

They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.

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(352): View more from Florida

I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last

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(440): View more from Ohio

that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...

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(208): View more from Idaho

Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly

(1-208): View more from Idaho

What is a GED?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.

(208): View more from Idaho

ha well at least you have goals.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.

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(561): View more from Florida

Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!

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(815): View more from Illinois

Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?

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(509): View more from Washington

That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(214): View more from Texas

yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning

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(650): View more from California

Why were you high on a thursday?

(1-650): View more from California

today's a wednesday

(650): View more from California

I asked first.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

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(253): View more from Washington

DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

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(712): View more from Iowa

You should dream of me :)

(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm going to dream of single life.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

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(212): View more from New York

chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.

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(917): View more from New York City

we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(419): View more from Ohio

idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night

(248): View more from Michigan

he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Winning.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, you need to talk to your mom

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(310): View more from California

My entire life is one complicated drinking game

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled

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(914): View more from New York

yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm laying in your front yard are you home

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

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(409): View more from Texas

well he's currently spooning the coffee table

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(512): View more from Texas

Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.

(512): View more from Texas

Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.

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(936): View more from Texas

what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

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(530): View more from California

So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant

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(865): View more from Tennessee

sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.

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(514): View more from Quebec

just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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(713): View more from Texas

Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(248): View more from Michigan

apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.

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(812): View more from Indiana

So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.

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(616): View more from Michigan

a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning

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(313): View more from Michigan

then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito

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(757): View more from Virginia

adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex

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(316): View more from Kansas

I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper

(785): View more from Kansas

He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?

(609): View more from New Jersey

And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud

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(240): View more from Maryland

He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...

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(319): View more from Iowa

You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift

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(226): View more from Ontario

can you blame him?

(519): View more from Ontario

i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(+44): View more from England

Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

wtf

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?

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(404): View more from Georgia

My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."

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(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(586): View more from Michigan

Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app

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(515): View more from Iowa

just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can't motorboat a personality

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(845): View more from New York

Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

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(954): View more from Florida

Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(270): View more from Kentucky

So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

i permit you to call me

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(760): View more from California

new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party

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(352): View more from Florida

I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

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(971): View more from Oregon

Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously

(503): View more from Oregon

you are my hero

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves

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(713): View more from Texas

I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...

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(313): View more from Michigan

I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.

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(719): View more from Colorado

If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.

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(434): View more from Virginia

So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(661): View more from California

how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?

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(334): View more from Alabama

i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face

(1-334): View more from Alabama

so you're single again?

(334): View more from Alabama

yea but it was worth it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?

(816): View more from Missouri

i hope so.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"

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(516): View more from New York

my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(517): View more from Michigan

the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"

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(760): View more from California

We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a girl!!

(614): View more from Ohio

That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years

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(619): View more from California

I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case

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(478): View more from Georgia

I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video

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(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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(207): View more from Maine

I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?

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(913): View more from Kansas

some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

her facebook's as public as her vagina

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.

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(805): View more from California

I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.

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(925): View more from California

I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..

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(214): View more from Texas

Big sunglasses are the new paper bag

(817): View more from Texas

ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(310): View more from California

first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(234): View more from Ohio

if we break up, who will get the dealer?

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(360): View more from Washington

My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(519): View more from Ontario

so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.

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(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask

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(775): View more from Nevada

somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just be blunt and say drink from my dick

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(713): View more from Texas

I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wanted to see November 5, 1985

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(815): View more from Illinois

It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.

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(631): View more from New York

is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

Welcome to every minute of my life.

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(830): View more from Texas

I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.

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(561): View more from Florida

i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

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(410): View more from Maryland

To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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