Texts From Last Night · tomake's Favorites

Sorry Dingus hasn't picked any favorites yet.

tomake's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13125 1907
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

Fav 89 10417 2115
share tweet

(916): View more from California

put your butt on the phone this is a booty call

Fav 25 3369 1014
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

Fav 128 28428 2480
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...

Fav 50 3536 6171
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.

Fav 62 7885 1937
share tweet

(214): View more from Texas

The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.

Fav 286 4623 4645
share tweet

(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

Fav 73 16812 1657
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha how do you remember that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

HOW COULD I FORGET?!

Fav 39 5922 1179
share tweet
(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

Fav 114 25312 1359
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?

(949): View more from California

Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.

Fav 29 1415 4243
share tweet

(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

Fav 52 13147 1311
share tweet

(407): View more from Florida

I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"

Fav 38 3891 1135
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

Fav 133 1993 5290
share tweet

(804): View more from Virginia

my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

I'm on my way.

Fav 28 7553 1281
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear

Fav 25 6904 1728
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

Fav 32 5754 1327
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

Fav 38 11530 1816
share tweet
(909): View more from California

he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"

Fav 79 1841 7254
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

Fav 70 10834 1439
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.

Fav 9 1897 882
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.

Fav 51 6889 1420
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson

Fav 24 1104 3253
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

Fav 36 9751 1527
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

Fav 10 1636 2382
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

Fav 101 10828 3428
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.

Fav 8 3251 840
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?

Fav 15 5425 1598
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

Fav 96 13846 2782
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.

Fav 10 5739 1177
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

Fav 24 5315 2859
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

Fav 46 9163 1685
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

Fav 16 7687 1126
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

Fav 46 15408 1888
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

Fav 18 5023 1315
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

Fav 39 1407 11705
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

Fav 15 6597 1772
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

Fav 62 20366 2184
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): View more from Virginia

Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): View more from Virginia

well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

Fav 48 6160 1144
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

Fav 26 11655 1540
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

Fav 24 12013 2127
share tweet
(415): View more from California

did we hook up?

(925): View more from California

no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt

Fav 30 1255 6721
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.

Fav 22 4848 1010
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.

Fav 41 4529 1054
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

Fav 28 3079 12624
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

Fav 16 11153 1332
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

Fav 26 6802 1885
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

Fav 16 5842 1047
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?

Fav 109 1654 15178
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

Fav 25 7177 1399
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

Fav 65 14382 3190
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

Fav 42 12099 1498
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

Fav 49 7276 2893
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

Fav 34 13759 1469
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

farters have to be the big spoon...

Fav 6 1134 2988
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

Fav 20 5171 1258
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

Fav 47 10191 2535
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

Fav 44 5434 9844
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"

Fav 40 2153 4203
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

Fav 41 2223 9441
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

Fav 31 8384 1991
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.

Fav 32 7456 1281
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.

Fav 33 1902 5438
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

Fav 33 9208 1723
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

Fav 78 26998 3619
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

Fav 28 10783 1428
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

Fav 34 7314 1616
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

Fav 41 7728 1935
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

Fav 78 16052 1355
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...

(985): View more from Louisiana

wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb

Fav 13 1273 1592
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

Fav 27 7537 1410
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

Fav 27 5731 1239
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'

(224): View more from Illinois

Im going to research this theory. . .

Fav 47 4103 880
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.

Fav 20 3941 923
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

Fav 36 13340 1666
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

Fav 77 1723 7191
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

Fav 19 9411 1483
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

Fav 41 5060 7903
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

Fav 26 7279 1386
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

Fav 63 13878 1722
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

Fav 77 19444 3088
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

Fav 30 6596 1441
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher

Fav 22 816 2984
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

hey, what are you doing tonight?

(646): View more from New York

sleeping, g'night!

(801): View more from Utah

but i wanted to see you :(

(646): View more from New York

sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!

(646): View more from New York

stop - you have a right hand - use it!

Fav 10 1236 1859
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt

Fav 32 1401 5934
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry

Fav 40 5954 1019
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!

Fav 86 1182 5142
share tweet
(916): View more from California

My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.

Fav 49 1566 4818
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.

Fav 7 3970 923
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

Fav 16 6600 1380
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it

Fav 32 1064 7394
share tweet
(760): View more from California

We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.

Fav 53 5104 1154
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

Fav 59 1541 7354
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.

Fav 34 1059 3852
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

Fav 21 3621 1069
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.

Fav 71 6585 1167
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you

Fav 16 1298 1252
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day

Fav 18 6714 809
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them

Fav 24 5733 1062
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.

Fav 6 2792 925
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever

Fav 34 7922 1256
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

There is no way he is gay with that hair.

Fav 7 3207 935
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.

Fav 30 1111 6666
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

Fav 30 7298 1357
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I want to have your abortion

Fav 29 1142 1728
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

(540): View more from Virginia

awesome babe! drinks tonight!

(703): View more from Virginia

Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

Fav 12 1126 3264
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?

Fav 6 1066 1347
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism

Fav 28 4795 901
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?

(804): View more from Virginia

who says it cant be both...

Fav 50 7095 986
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.

Fav 49 7481 2009
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.

Fav 40 4463 916
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

Fav 40 11853 1595
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

Fav 23 12016 1275
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me

Fav 20 4980 1232
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed

(787): View more from Puerto Rico

you smoke with your eyes?

Fav 8 2742 1443
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

ru fi oooo

Fav 71 5506 990
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what does that even mean?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

Fav 36 5810 981
share tweet
(562): View more from California

she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.

Fav 14 1323 4193
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way

Fav 16 3137 1138
share tweet
(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

Fav 46 13845 2508
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

Fav 27 5646 1350
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.

Fav 26 1324 5540
share tweet
(310): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

Fav 10 1405 1853
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

Fav 43 9971 1405
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

Fav 24 6868 1643
share tweet
(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

Fav 26 11193 1312
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.

Fav 58 4873 2397
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?

Fav 39 1593 4740
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

Fav 70 1564 11719
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him

Fav 60 6805 1326
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.

Fav 28 11395 1159
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

Fav 19 2589 7215
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Fav 65 29371 2498
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

Fav 29 15043 1680
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery

Fav 9 3502 2059
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

Fav 13 8091 1407
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood

Fav 36 1240 6448
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

Fav 40 13034 1831
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

Fav 12 1404 1647
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

Fav 37 7309 2080
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That burning is chlamydia

Fav 9 1218 4094
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

Fav 37 11180 1818
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

Fav 57 28705 1989
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.

Fav 23 1496 8224
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

Fav 28 6516 2107
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

Fav 29 10755 1467
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

Fav 55 7866 2263
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?

Fav 23 6012 984
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

Fav 50 13557 1912
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

Fav 21 5206 2132
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

Fav 48 1498 8487
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57258 7323
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

Fav 43 5639 1714
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

Fav 5 1938 1420
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

Fav 34 7051 1322
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...

(515): View more from Iowa

Ur type is ready and willing

Fav 13 1997 891
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE

Fav 26 5744 936
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

Fav 14 2954 1035
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.

Fav 17 5902 994
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.

Fav 40 1224 3057
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!

Fav 12 5002 1054
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

Fav 58 8766 2501
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose

Fav 30 1462 3986
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.

(601): View more from Mississippi

Talk to you next week

Fav 29 1222 2105
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup

Fav 88 4872 1298
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.

Fav 81 5432 1452
share tweet
(925): View more from California

"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.

Fav 23 1805 1617
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

Fav 42 3362 3248
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

Fav 21 10794 1615
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

ok i said sorry. what else do you want?

(740): View more from Ohio

100 blowjobs

Fav 14 2473 996
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."

Fav 43 1741 8062
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.

Fav 20 6548 973
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

Fav 56 10055 1277
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.

Fav 78 1763 5538
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

Fav 100 12761 2345
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.

Fav 17 4280 1069
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

Fav 51 25040 2258
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

Fav 14 1402 8204
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events

Fav 7 1310 1648
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

Fav 62 2907 25016
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

Fav 27 11766 1877
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...

Fav 65 7852 1641
share tweet
(310): View more from California

if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz

Fav 9 4198 1805
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?

(269): View more from Michigan

Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.

Fav 13 2843 1138
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

Fav 26 10468 2105
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

Fav 31 5652 2553
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.

Fav 22 2965 998
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

Fav 25 21252 1555
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

Fav 16 7685 1514
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

Fav 67 2552 6502
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.

(972): View more from Texas

I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.

Fav 13 2609 857
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67662 4391
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.

Fav 41 9787 1884
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high

(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I don't like babies at all

Fav 11 3620 1099
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

Fav 21 8528 1050
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...

Fav 38 5948 2316
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

Fav 29 10882 1595
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?

Fav 45 6087 1855
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail

Fav 8 3835 1121
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

Fav 33 5785 1041
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5130
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wrong number and your a loser

Fav 33 1651 8905
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?

Fav 36 819 5094
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

Fav 27 10632 1168
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

Fav 18 11604 1338
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.

Fav 14 4401 1163
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

Fav 41 9433 1421
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

Fav 93 1831 7830
share tweet
(+33): View more from France

I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.

Fav 13 1074 2357
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke

Fav 50 1569 3091
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.

Fav 56 7612 1514
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

Fav 140 1223 6270
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them

(514): View more from Quebec

the remaining ten - you weren't in

Fav 32 5297 909
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass

(352): View more from Florida

godspeed.

Fav 14 5434 920
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

Fav 47 8651 1377
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

Fav 9 3315 1419
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

Fav 59 12917 2200
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

Fav 53 12722 1796
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

(1-207): View more from Maine

probs a good idea

(207): View more from Maine

i like the whole idea of life and being alive

(1-207): View more from Maine

you sure you're not high?

Fav 29 6142 1216
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had

Fav 12 4371 1763
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!

Fav 7 963 5412
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Wasn't he an English major?

Fav 12 1476 5341
share tweet
(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

Fav 42 15246 2557
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

Fav 122 3686 15933
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.

Fav 10 6284 1584
share tweet
(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

Fav 25 3356 5899
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

Fav 17 9904 1875
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

Fav 22 2545 6839
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

Fav 51 10861 1878
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

Fav 29 12049 1723
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17661 1751
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

(720): View more from Colorado

Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

Fav 35 13258 1730
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

Fav 18 6283 2477
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.

Fav 14 1438 2448
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

Fav 70 10805 1666
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt

Fav 45 5001 1803
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.

Fav 32 4273 937
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

Fav 9 2091 1069
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

Fav 30 1822 13439
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

What's wrong?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.

(503): View more from Oregon

Pussy.

Fav 18 1203 2551
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

Fav 29 1470 3394
share tweet
(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Fav 132 9136 24695
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!

(269): View more from Michigan

...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...

Fav 9 1154 2584
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy

Fav 15 4042 1042
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well

Fav 42 1314 6764
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.

Fav 31 731 3102
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.

Fav 51 1184 4750
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

Fav 124 6351 1262
share tweet
(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

Fav 216 35066 2918
share tweet
(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

Fav 26 6194 1293
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

followup question: what if both somones were me?

Fav 18 1143 5021
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks

Fav 28 4692 1073
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

Fav 24 9591 1113
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

Fav 10 1918 6660
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19332 1853
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.

Fav 26 2115 7677
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

Fav 38 22562 3001
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

Fav 47 3160 11795
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.

Fav 16 5466 1590
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

Fav 55 3006 15630
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

Fav 43 9638 2745
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

Fav 72 21717 4259
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.

Fav 12 4756 1423
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.

Fav 14 1009 4711
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

Fav 23 7477 1284
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68662 3916
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

Fav 15 9304 1177
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

Fav 60 2412 8794
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

Fav 124 42104 3339
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.

Fav 15 6902 1473
share tweet
(714): View more from California

so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

(1-714): View more from California

i'm so jealous of you right now.

Fav 57 9383 1918
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I found somebody to have a 3 sum with

(586): View more from Michigan

shutup! Who?!?

(248): View more from Michigan

Hahaha April fools!

Fav 12 1381 1974
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

Fav 30 4919 1151
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

hey call me

(810): View more from Michigan

can't. in the shower.

(734): View more from Michigan

... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.

Fav 9 1771 874
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

Fav 86 4316 872
share tweet
(848): View more from New Jersey

life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.

Fav 10 1391 3335
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

Fav 52 4938 1271
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.

(352): View more from Florida

Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

Fav 41 1921 4385
share tweet
(415): View more from California

And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

(1-415): View more from California

What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

(415): View more from California

He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

Fav 27 1383 10105
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

Fav 46 5549 1127
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.

Fav 14 3054 835
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

Fav 93 11883 1514
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop

Fav 78 4967 1586
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Billy Mays died!

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?

Fav 25 2526 1152
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

Fav 34 5583 1858
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

did you know it's going to storm tonight?

(630): View more from Illinois

You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.

Fav 15 4020 1201
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.

Fav 28 1019 4447
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell

Fav 9 3611 954
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school

(1-309): View more from Illinois

awkward

(309): View more from Illinois

no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.

Fav 12 1384 2893
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

Fav 85 11153 2920
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs

Fav 21 4451 851
share tweet
(310): View more from California

my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.

Fav 28 1550 7334
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

Fav 19 7317 1100
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds

(1-530): View more from California

Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.

Fav 40 1220 4890
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

Fav 96 17332 1817
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before

(806): View more from Texas

he probably also told you he thought u were pretty

Fav 22 1967 6571
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me

Fav 22 7049 1378
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

Fav 31 11901 1552
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

Fav 92 2500 8451
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Heybabeimwearingurpanties

Fav 15 1229 2032
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

Fav 118 46240 4278
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay

Fav 9 1721 2913
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with

Fav 2 1913 698
share tweet
(310): View more from California

that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something

(818): View more from California

its my fault though, i'm wearing tights

(310): View more from California

you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap

Fav 22 3858 1184
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.

Fav 16 1225 4514
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.

Fav 47 5158 1696
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48527 2764
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.

Fav 18 5993 1053
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

Fav 48 8760 1253
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.

Fav 54 4004 2943
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her

Fav 5 918 4605
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.

Fav 8 4145 1086
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

Fav 36 13009 1292
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

Fav 39 14862 1537
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her

Fav 48 1152 5730
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.

Fav 3 1749 806
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

Fav 58 9170 1275
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

(318): View more from Louisiana

Alcohol?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Sex with a fat chick.

Fav 16 1192 1893
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.

Fav 59 1068 3929
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

Fav 18 1543 2096
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.

Fav 69 4590 1135
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo

(810): View more from Michigan

With himself

Fav 1 1158 1290
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window

Fav 17 763 2679
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap

Fav 18 5710 972
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Since when is my name a synonym for head?

Fav 40 3799 1636
share tweet
(650): View more from California

We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

(562): View more from California

You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

Fav 68 6023 1303
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

Fav 62 8295 1644
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

Fav 71 6004 920
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions

Fav 43 6520 1548
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2463 17272
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.

Fav 65 1934 4066
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

Fav 77 7840 1553
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion

Fav 15 5542 1176
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.

Fav 35 6001 1086
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

why does my vagina smell like weed?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg thats a great idea

Fav 30 4639 1092
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

u like it?

(937): View more from Ohio

NOT THE POINT.

Fav 40 4662 1048
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche

Fav 50 2058 7097
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

Fav 30 6305 1146
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

Fav 155 8471 2922
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.

Fav 24 5187 1239
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

Fav 68 9868 1306
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.

Fav 17 6051 1105
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

Fav 61 18438 1590
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?

(585): View more from New York

hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that

(516): View more from New York

is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?

Fav 139 8185 1578
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

Fav 58 9264 1414
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.

Fav 45 12203 1727
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible

Fav 31 1270 3605
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

Fav 87 11982 2457
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

Fav 184 5949 1451
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.

Fav 19 7421 919
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.

Fav 17 1010 4099
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.

Fav 12 1911 3817
share tweet
(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

Fav 65 3288 1108
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...

Fav 7 1346 3758
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Hannah Montana > iCarly

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely

Fav 49 1655 5510
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

Fav 59 10082 1272
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

Fav 150 15143 3805
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida

Fav 30 3901 1247
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

Fav 180 2621 29259
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

Fav 42 18333 1444
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

Fav 19 9223 1455
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.

Fav 44 1817 4728
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.

Fav 41 7994 2522
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

Fav 35 14139 1498
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

Fav 63 7074 2586
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

Fav 48 8035 1682
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

Fav 26 7939 1083
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

Fav 101 10975 1743
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

Fav 74 10040 1464
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

Fav 90 8434 2048
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

Fav 39 10008 1245
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer

Fav 30 6027 1003
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8565 49742
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

what did you hear about me?

(630): View more from Illinois

that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around

(630): View more from Illinois

that was hard to say and not laugh

Fav 13 4937 1266
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!

Fav 31 8486 1216
share tweet
(916): View more from California

keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something

Fav 10 1564 4559
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

Fav 35 14334 1531
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

Fav 37 20298 1343
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.

Fav 10 6363 1261
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.

Fav 64 1309 11262
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?

Fav 66 4509 1049
share tweet