Texts From Last Night · SarahMarie3289's Favorites

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(209): View more from California

There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'

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(513): View more from Ohio

The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.

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(801): View more from Utah

We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party

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(845): View more from New York

I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount

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(541): View more from Oregon

So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display

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(254): View more from Texas

It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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(707): View more from California

I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

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(315): View more from New York

Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..

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(540): View more from Virginia

The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.

(703): View more from Virginia

So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?

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(540): View more from Virginia

i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate

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(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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(812): View more from Indiana

We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".

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(571): View more from Virginia

Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness

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(217): View more from Illinois

Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(830): View more from Texas

What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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(585): View more from New York

remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(813): View more from Florida

One blow job doesn not make me gay.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day

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(845): View more from New York

if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(530): View more from California

Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.

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(585): View more from New York

with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(425): View more from Washington

Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(917): View more from New York City

was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.

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(845): View more from New York

Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(801): View more from Utah

The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts

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(845): View more from New York

her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.

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(516): View more from New York

do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?

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(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(315): View more from New York

I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.

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(540): View more from Virginia

My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(812): View more from Indiana

obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date

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(708): View more from Illinois

i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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(770): View more from Georgia

my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(845): View more from New York

no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

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(315): View more from New York

don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(845): View more from New York

Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(440): View more from Ohio

As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(209): View more from California

is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.

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(310): View more from California

Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

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(312): View more from Illinois

If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(937): View more from Ohio

This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(914): View more from New York

i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school

(1-914): View more from New York

oh right the one that ends on your bed

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(307): View more from Wyoming

first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

(224): View more from Illinois

story of my life.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(206): View more from Washington

obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(514): View more from Quebec

It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(315): View more from New York

at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(231): View more from Michigan

So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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(714): View more from California

He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

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(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

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(845): View more from New York

Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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(419): View more from Ohio

i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me

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(630): View more from Illinois

She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.

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(303): View more from Colorado

What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(207): View more from Maine

you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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(253): View more from Washington

Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(914): View more from New York

I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(973): View more from New Jersey

after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college

(973): View more from New Jersey

she has no idea

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(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(281): View more from Texas

I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

(979): View more from Texas

I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(314): View more from Missouri

Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

God gave us a 4 year grace period.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.

(917): View more from New York City

me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(407): View more from Florida

i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing

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(253): View more from Washington

Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(409): View more from Texas

There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.

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(281): View more from Texas

I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.

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(956): View more from Texas

Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(707): View more from California

You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.

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(815): View more from Illinois

No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(434): View more from Virginia

because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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(925): View more from California

I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(330): View more from Ohio

My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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(410): View more from Maryland

She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together

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(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

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(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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(217): View more from Illinois

if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wow, a mother in the making

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(305): View more from Florida

i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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(651): View more from Minnesota

they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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(334): View more from Alabama

she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

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(407): View more from Florida

he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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