Texts From Last Night · brandon12403's Favorites

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brandon12403's Favorites Texts:

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(530): View more from California

If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.

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(928): View more from Arizona

im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(440): View more from Ohio

I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(206): View more from Washington

I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

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(602): View more from Arizona

At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.

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(574): View more from Indiana

apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what if every blade of grass was a penis?

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(727): View more from Florida

I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.

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(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

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(847): View more from Illinois

just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.

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(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(937): View more from Ohio

bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome

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(850): View more from Florida

My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(512): View more from Texas

Just fell off a train. Bad.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

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(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

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(573): View more from Missouri

shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.

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(217): View more from Illinois

My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Sharpest. Poop. Ever.

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(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

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(260): View more from Indiana

I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room

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(831): View more from California

I puked off the balcony.

(1-831): View more from California

Not horrible

(831): View more from California

Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(757): View more from Virginia

i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

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(631): View more from New York

You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted

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(330): View more from Ohio

i think i have two assholes

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

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(404): View more from Georgia

this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night

(404): View more from Georgia

i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong

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(631): View more from New York

guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple

(1-631): View more from New York

whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

well if you came here i would keep you awake :*

(1-303): View more from Colorado

did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera

(908): View more from New Jersey

She didnt have a camera...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wrong number and your a loser

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she has a santa fetish

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

cute.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My face left an imprint in the loaf...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.

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(571): View more from Virginia

is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..

(609): View more from New Jersey

AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.

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(216): View more from Ohio

he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out

(513): View more from Ohio

so is it as big as he says?

(216): View more from Ohio

he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit

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(925): View more from California

So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

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(702): View more from Nevada

the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!

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(785): View more from Kansas

my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(858): View more from California

Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.

(651): View more from Minnesota

That baby is bound to be under-loved.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

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(817): View more from Texas

So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...

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(773): View more from Illinois

If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?

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(561): View more from Florida

i will soon be in a relationship on fb

(919): View more from North Carolina

you!?

(561): View more from Florida

me and your mom. i mean, lisa.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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(+49): View more from Germany

i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(914): View more from New York

? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): View more from Illinois

jesus mom

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(301): View more from Maryland

I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.

(407): View more from Florida

Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves

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(786): View more from Florida

Thats something to write home to mom about

(305): View more from Florida

Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(231): View more from Michigan

My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.

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(727): View more from Florida

a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!

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(917): View more from New York City

your thong is hanging out like whoa

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(509): View more from Washington

after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period

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(631): View more from New York

I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(650): View more from California

they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(850): View more from Florida

why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(914): View more from New York

What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?

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(207): View more from Maine

there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(661): View more from California

Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(407): View more from Florida

Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.

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(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

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(647): View more from Ontario

on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..

(1-647): View more from Ontario

who won?

(647): View more from Ontario

THAT is your concern right now?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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(650): View more from California

Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

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(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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(925): View more from California

Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(586): View more from Michigan

at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....

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(248): View more from Michigan

dats a huuuuuge bitch!

(773): View more from Illinois

who is this????

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?

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