Texts From Last Night · fatler123's Favorites

Sorry nodaybut_today hasn't picked any favorites yet.

fatler123's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.

Fav 12 3850 1129
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

Fav 13 6771 1620
share tweet

(604): View more from British Columbia

We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE

Fav 4 2096 1943
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

Fav 5 4684 1918
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.

Fav 1 2554 831
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.

Fav 5 2738 1131
share tweet

(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

Fav 9 4514 1419
share tweet

(702): View more from Nevada

Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

Fav 11 4083 1283
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

Fav 11 4570 1199
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

Fav 13 4329 1286
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

Fav 16 4029 2387
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.

Fav 8 2854 1048
share tweet

(503): View more from Oregon

Just invented taco cereal.

Fav 8 1810 2290
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

Fav 24 5717 2745
share tweet

(231): View more from Michigan

Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.

Fav 5 3982 1060
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

Fav 6 4632 1117
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.

Fav 4 3301 1741
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling

(303): View more from Colorado

Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper

Fav 3 2516 1202
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.

Fav 9 6712 1339
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him

Fav 12 1699 2452
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

Fav 4 4455 1275
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

Fav 15 2808 1425
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

Fav 32 9912 1350
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.

Fav 25 4811 3030
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked

Fav 10 3805 1867
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas

Fav 13 3357 1236
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id

Fav 5 2847 1524
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape

Fav 10 4382 1814
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it

Fav 3 2386 983
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

Fav 6 3982 1342
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

Fav 28 8573 1755
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

Fav 11 5121 1047
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

Fav 23 7705 1293
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?

Fav 13 5291 1205
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.

Fav 12 3138 1917
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

Fav 21 7634 1611
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas

Fav 2 2946 1076
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

Fav 8 7604 1191
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.

Fav 20 5001 1587
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

Fav 33 1842 3346
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.

Fav 18 4636 1390
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.

Fav 2 2172 1024
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.

Fav 14 4721 1318
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

ambylanc

(1-519): View more from Ontario

what?

(519): View more from Ontario

there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.

Fav 8 3275 1705
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...

Fav 1 1109 2214
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

Fav 8 3782 1600
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?

Fav 12 4025 1581
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

Fav 7 5091 1492
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.

Fav 9 2712 1246
share tweet
(650): View more from California

dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

Fav 12 5806 1353
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.

Fav 7 3253 1335
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

Fav 25 2266 4629
share tweet
(619): View more from California

We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.

Fav 8 3941 1273
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

Fav 15 5179 1506
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.

Fav 9 3324 1471
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

Fav 7 3506 1349
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

the room spins SO much faster in panama

Fav 5 2707 1131
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.

Fav 15 3239 1854
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.

Fav 14 3130 1358
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.

Fav 5 2585 1191
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

Fav 3 3996 1185
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale

Fav 8 2513 1318
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.

Fav 6 5134 1210
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister

Fav 17 6971 1562
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.

Fav 15 2079 2833
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right

Fav 24 6578 1104
share tweet
(650): View more from California

party gras won. party gras always wins.

Fav 5 2487 918
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

Fav 21 4460 1911
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line

Fav 12 3128 1122
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.

Fav 16 5328 1421
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...

Fav 13 2802 1146
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

Fav 8 4046 1227
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself

Fav 8 2938 849
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

Fav 12 4295 1833
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I will fight anything that is not spinning right now

Fav 9 2961 1278
share tweet
(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

Fav 24 5465 1577
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

Fav 21 5634 1196
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine

Fav 7 3170 1631
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.

Fav 16 4080 1038
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all

Fav 11 3446 1133
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land

Fav 7 2993 1848
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol

Fav 7 3310 1155
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

Fav 10 3863 1483
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!

Fav 4 3170 1337
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

Fav 20 5606 2339
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end

Fav 10 6755 1583
share tweet
(333): View more from

im calling her cock vulture from now on

Fav 28 3156 1817
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people

Fav 12 4281 1582
share tweet
(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

Fav 20 8502 1572
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder

Fav 4 2687 1111
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

Fav 18 1945 7174
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.

Fav 23 5350 1659
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out

Fav 5 1399 2503
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.

Fav 12 4603 1970
share tweet
(559): View more from California

can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

Fav 16 6239 1308
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

Fav 9 3126 2871
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

Fav 10 5676 1582
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

Fav 5 3897 1210
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

Fav 16 5036 1198
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.

Fav 6 2648 1900
share tweet
(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

Fav 24 7078 2400
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

Fav 10 1637 3239
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.

Fav 11 4314 1179
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

Fav 13 4875 1058
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.

Fav 15 4765 1175
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares

Fav 22 6981 1191
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.

Fav 23 6648 1516
share tweet
(949): View more from California

he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"

Fav 7 2864 1972
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.

Fav 13 3723 1128
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.

Fav 10 2778 1394
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

Fav 15 7502 1515
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.

Fav 8 1242 2899
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

Fav 47 2197 7567
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

Fav 18 1751 6817
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people

Fav 8 4422 1565
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?

Fav 8 3361 1586
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

(703): View more from Virginia

she was in a cheetah costume

Fav 13 4924 1284
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.

Fav 6 4045 1354
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too

Fav 9 4706 1367
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.

Fav 39 3233 5482
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

Fav 12 7613 1541
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you

Fav 13 3034 1499
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

Fav 10 5373 1495
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.

Fav 9 4116 1403
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Fav 9 4622 1132
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)

Fav 5 2764 2077
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it

Fav 10 1371 3654
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint

Fav 7 3313 1406
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

Fav 14 5365 1913
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.

Fav 9 2331 1210
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.

Fav 13 2514 1441
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave

Fav 3 3036 1079
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.

Fav 9 3713 965
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

Fav 12 4411 1417
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin

Fav 3 1070 2958
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

Fav 12 5516 1497
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend

Fav 5 3695 1200
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

Fav 10 5576 1378
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Chalk up having sex in a car wash.

Fav 11 3411 1118
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?

Fav 15 4074 1366
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

Fav 21 4139 1701
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

Fav 40 7862 1552
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.

Fav 8 3733 1192
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

Fav 10 3945 1679
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

Fav 15 6148 1142
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

Fav 13 3954 2125
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

Fav 9 1984 4888
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.

Fav 5 3555 1221
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.

Fav 10 3305 1391
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,

Fav 19 4731 1370
share tweet
(818): View more from California

The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

Fav 11 4801 1274
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess

Fav 29 3606 1342
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND

Fav 11 4387 1270
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive

Fav 8 1191 3289
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

Fav 16 6297 2286
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

Fav 9 6460 1539
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

Fav 9 8236 1412
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.

Fav 12 3815 1275
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

Fav 15 4288 1800
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.

Fav 13 3921 1506
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.

Fav 8 1484 3193
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.

Fav 6 3763 1659
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

Fav 30 12730 1624
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.

Fav 3 2487 1157
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.

Fav 7 3077 1237
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

Fav 20 8428 1472
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?

Fav 14 4017 1286
share tweet
(+75): View more from

It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more

Fav 11 932 2388
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"

Fav 9 1625 3282
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms

Fav 6 3387 1264
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

Fav 14 7561 1440
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

Fav 13 6022 1810
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.

Fav 10 2246 1192
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.

Fav 15 4701 1397
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.

Fav 32 4871 1434
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.

Fav 18 5777 1343
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver

Fav 10 2510 1516
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton

Fav 2 3657 1230
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

Fav 17 4221 2214
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

Fav 27 2307 5539
share tweet
(916): View more from California

It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.

Fav 4 2487 970
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

Fav 42 9849 1758
share tweet
(415): View more from California

She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

Fav 34 5975 1506
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

Fav 19 7672 1364
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.

Fav 39 4673 1341
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that

Fav 5 2983 998
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL

Fav 6 3376 997
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

Fav 14 5557 1200
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

Fav 5 4237 1198
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

Fav 8 5967 1178
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.

Fav 13 2396 1453
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later

Fav 4 3344 1124
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.

Fav 6 4283 1003
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

Fav 29 6179 1593
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

Fav 20 2382 3029
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

Fav 8 4406 1155
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

Fav 10 5698 1162
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.

Fav 6 2486 1230
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

Fav 32 7821 1350
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho

Fav 3 3205 1554
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

Fav 19 4122 1682
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey

Fav 3 4220 1050
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in

Fav 14 3783 1035
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.

Fav 50 1768 5919
share tweet
(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

Fav 20 10109 1275
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it

(586): View more from Michigan

We did he did.

(586): View more from Michigan

When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers

Fav 7 1913 900
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.

Fav 35 5818 1867
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.

(1-631): View more from New York

I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.

Fav 50 7697 2324
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.

Fav 7 4237 1094
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

Fav 15 4749 1312
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.

Fav 10 3184 1511
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.

Fav 6 1164 3052
share tweet
(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

Fav 16 8965 1553
share tweet
(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

Fav 14 4323 1593
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

Fav 35 7770 1255
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young

Fav 7 2664 1122
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL

Fav 4 3212 1143
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

Fav 20 6054 1698
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses

Fav 4 5365 1095
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

Fav 28 7267 1303
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak

Fav 12 2694 1506
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

Fav 13 5783 1244
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?

Fav 12 3964 1366
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.

Fav 7 3908 993
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.

Fav 4 3274 1128
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

Fav 4 3710 1162
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

Fav 11 5702 1174
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor

Fav 4 3259 1241
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

Fav 5 4908 1088
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

Fav 25 7849 1297
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

Fav 37 14192 1708
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry

Fav 23 1947 4462
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

Fav 8 6508 1158
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

he seriously made his penis a facebook.

Fav 15 4669 2144
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

Fav 12 9067 1272
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 132000 5202
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146109 10758
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

Fav 42 2256 7013
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.

Fav 15 4837 2230
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.

Fav 7 4639 1041
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.

Fav 4 4582 1055
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them

Fav 10 1246 4587
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".

Fav 23 5304 1553
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.

Fav 14 3459 1813
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.

Fav 10 3725 1199
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even

Fav 14 3544 1691
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

Fav 23 6322 1613
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Fav 50 18542 1573
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

Fav 14 5792 1623
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

Fav 16 8199 1335
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

Fav 30 8490 1406
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

Fav 15 4276 1774
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.

Fav 35 3506 1636
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?

Fav 20 5205 1153
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Fav 50 20776 2684
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

Fav 19 7685 1410
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

Fav 24 10368 2497
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

Fav 12 6140 1229
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?

Fav 7 5093 1252
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.

Fav 11 3377 2127
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

Fav 37 16403 1544
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.

Fav 23 4611 1143
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

Fav 23 7880 1435
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick

Fav 13 3762 1347
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.

Fav 5 1563 2904
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

Fav 23 8397 1504
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

Fav 9 6695 1381
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

Fav 47 12198 2843
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

Fav 16 5789 1532
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

Fav 22 8698 1392
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

Fav 37 5467 1428
share tweet
(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5328 9047
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

Fav 13 9159 1468
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

Fav 15 5654 1770
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

Fav 37 10363 1807
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

Fav 28 8452 1679
share tweet
(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

Fav 116 6958 12718
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

Fav 18 7579 1605
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

Fav 31 1887 5166
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

Fav 44 5593 1671
share tweet
(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

Fav 19 8761 1468
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Why are you covered in frosting?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

Fav 24 6828 1347
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay

Fav 12 4436 1485
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

Fav 53 11998 1842
share tweet
(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

Fav 11 6998 1568
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

Fav 46 5053 2212
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist

Fav 12 5342 1387
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

Fav 15 6195 1811
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

Fav 17 8419 2373
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

Fav 21 6471 1366
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

Fav 15 2104 6433
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty

Fav 14 4773 1442
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

Fav 36 2200 9881
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation

Fav 15 1468 3650
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

No thats like a top 10

Fav 35 7054 1257
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

Fav 52 2771 8403
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

Fav 25 7898 1435
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

Fav 29 12048 3000
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..

Fav 3 1342 2947
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.

Fav 13 5155 1241
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine

Fav 46 5143 3140
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store

Fav 19 5549 1417
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thats actually pretty good logic

Fav 13 6542 1520
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

Fav 16 8167 1579
share tweet
(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

Fav 44 17642 1905
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

Fav 24 9469 1443
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.

Fav 41 5016 1846
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

Fav 11 5337 1254
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

Fav 19 5653 1428
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

Fav 31 9730 1634
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

Fav 26 9476 1662
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

Fav 31 8592 2360
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

Fav 11 7754 1739
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

Fav 22 8447 1775
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

Fav 69 2170 26615
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.

Fav 16 5128 1713
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

Fav 10 7980 1303
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.

Fav 14 5289 1389
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn

Fav 25 4754 1434
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

Fav 22 6468 2365
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

Fav 43 20365 1804
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

Fav 16 4307 2410
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

Fav 19 9503 1635
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen

Fav 34 1730 9062
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

Fav 17 9678 1695
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

Fav 19 1739 6584
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

Fav 44 10808 2209
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

Fav 19 5933 1335
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

Fav 19 9704 1804
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

Fav 24 12048 1683
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

Fav 16 5492 1433
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

Fav 14 6993 1559
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

Fav 21 5837 2478
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team

Fav 24 1540 5150
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

Fav 14 5868 1598
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

Fav 30 9507 1579
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

Fav 26 3454 6671
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

Fav 29 6576 1603
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.

Fav 15 5538 1368
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof

Fav 8 5465 1316
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.

Fav 16 5403 1718
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

Fav 23 6857 3173
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

Fav 31 5638 2521
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.

Fav 12 5382 1301
share tweet
(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

Fav 32 11893 1462
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.

Fav 3 3944 1273
share tweet
(510): View more from California

well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

Fav 16 5009 1236
share tweet
(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

Fav 18 7365 1532
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

He managed to light the Jello on fire...

Fav 16 6226 1326
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.

Fav 6 6180 1265
share tweet
(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

Fav 42 4186 9592
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

Fav 44 8521 2979
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

Fav 50 9612 1523
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

Fav 24 8733 1816
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is

Fav 16 5510 2226
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

Fav 19 9377 1347
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

Fav 24 9143 1937
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

Fav 22 11228 1446
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!

Fav 20 6847 1564
share tweet
(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

Fav 24 8023 1327
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

Fav 13 5203 2001
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

Fav 33 2324 7404
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

Fav 74 2721 9391
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

Fav 52 12839 2085
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

Fav 38 13587 1853
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

Fav 20 3260 4617
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.

Fav 13 6183 1213
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48825 2423
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

Fav 32 10091 2437
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8818 73996
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Fav 179 88552 4084
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

Fav 50 49693 1936
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

Fav 97 45282 2189
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13420 2008
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

Fav 26 9530 1594
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

Fav 27 9142 1643
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am

Fav 7 4455 1352
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

Fav 14 5741 1494
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

Fav 13 9124 1339
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

Fav 5 4674 1658
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

Fav 30 7601 1593
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

Fav 34 7284 1661
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

Fav 11 6795 1636
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

Fav 20 10281 2243
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was

Fav 14 7577 3670
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

Fav 41 13896 1845
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

Fav 20 5362 1329
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35244 2058
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13128 1908
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

Fav 30 5933 1771
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

Fav 89 10420 2116
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

Fav 41 2752 5564
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

Fav 13 7062 1490
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

Fav 25 6048 1527
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

Fav 10 6715 1255
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

Fav 32 5116 1322
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15495 2363
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

Fav 19 5031 1509
share tweet
(831): View more from California

she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.

Fav 16 5031 1490
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

Fav 24 5317 2859
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

Fav 37 2543 8449
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

Fav 22 8825 1486
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She's allergic to latex.

(678): View more from Georgia

Lucky bastard.

Fav 30 6121 1885
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

Fav 25 3080 6028
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

Fav 28 9229 1761
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

Fav 20 6377 1232
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

Fav 19 6245 1284
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?

Fav 15 4796 1118
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

Fav 16 6685 1406
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19544 2391
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

Fav 41 2225 9443
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

Fav 18 8124 1531
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

Fav 12 5264 1612
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

Fav 18 2408 5855
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

Fav 47 10194 2536
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

Fav 19 6755 1632
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

Fav 36 9752 1530
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

Fav 11 5649 1720
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

Fav 23 6998 1201
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

Fav 27 4774 1133
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

Fav 25 6166 3204
share tweet