Texts From Last Night · fuckingloveit's Favorites

Sorry arresteddevel hasn't picked any favorites yet.

fuckingloveit's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

Fav 310 11764 6071
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

Fav 16 9052 1680
share tweet

(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

Fav 31 6005 1572
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

Fav 11 8057 1427
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

Fav 39 7218 1459
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.

Fav 12 4337 1780
share tweet

(205): View more from Alabama

After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

Fav 20 5233 1587
share tweet

(662): View more from Mississippi

I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics

Fav 9 1599 3522
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

Fav 36 4902 1650
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

Fav 23 10453 1467
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.

Fav 11 4748 1263
share tweet

(850): View more from Florida

We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.

Fav 10 4069 1287
share tweet

(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23538 2196
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4803 10322
share tweet

(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand

Fav 17 5574 1287
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

Fav 14 2932 4918
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

Fav 23 7117 1739
share tweet
(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

Fav 26 8278 1875
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

Fav 30 7942 2013
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke

Fav 7 1272 4596
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

Fav 27 12123 1680
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

Fav 18 8808 1589
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

Fav 34 11291 1741
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award

Fav 17 6330 1615
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her

Fav 15 1320 5769
share tweet
(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

Fav 20 1498 6126
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

Fav 13 7295 1421
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

Fav 39 5441 3196
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

Fav 39 2228 5813
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

Fav 7 4322 1376
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

Fav 34 7832 1593
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

Fav 38 2016 7671
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

Fav 14 1805 6052
share tweet
(530): View more from California

So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.

Fav 11 1345 4298
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

Fav 16 1900 5914
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

Fav 29 6042 1618
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

Fav 17 2739 5168
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

His hands were made for my vagina.

Fav 16 7805 1294
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I spit up blood this morning

(206): View more from Washington

That's vegas.

Fav 8 4095 1816
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

Fav 47 12198 2839
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

Fav 9 7034 1368
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this

Fav 11 1631 4306
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex

Fav 17 6071 2099
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.

Fav 24 7501 1052
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

Fav 36 2354 6047
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

Fav 10 6224 1602
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

Fav 18 7030 1298
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.

Fav 24 3068 4493
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

Fav 21 7092 2675
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

Fav 31 9030 2209
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

Fav 66 5977 3122
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.

Fav 25 6159 1635
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.

Fav 39 4013 1814
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

Fav 12 6451 1610
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life

Fav 18 4984 1256
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official

Fav 15 5001 1445
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.

Fav 14 2121 3773
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

Fav 25 6376 2192
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

Fav 36 7080 1758
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

Fav 64 5466 1936
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

Fav 43 1357 6611
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10254 1635
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

Fav 11 4092 1739
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

Fav 35 10989 1771
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

Fav 17 9767 1649
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

Fav 14 1549 5262
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

Fav 63 9961 1582
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

Fav 18 8172 1567
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.

Fav 12 4294 1298
share tweet
(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

Fav 81 10752 3306
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

Fav 15 6978 1464
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

Fav 8 5825 1504
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

Fav 24 1623 5320
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already

Fav 19 1711 3839
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.

Fav 22 4958 2474
share tweet
(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

Fav 80 14873 2883
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

Fav 28 11680 2189
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

Fav 17 5496 1457
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

Fav 27 8855 1630
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

Fav 40 6836 1956
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

Fav 46 2362 5745
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

Fav 26 5998 1260
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

Fav 29 6538 1495
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

Fav 38 7981 1698
share tweet
(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5323 9044
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

Fav 38 11058 1462
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

Fav 20 1781 7435
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

Fav 19 5679 2998
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.

Fav 33 2053 5387
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.

Fav 13 5474 1373
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

Fav 34 5444 6822
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

Fav 36 2924 5956
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17986 2069
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.

Fav 36 1697 6460
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

Fav 19 3283 6282
share tweet
(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

Fav 11 6996 1566
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.

Fav 12 5872 1412
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

Fav 32 6243 3971
share tweet
(626): View more from California

I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"

Fav 9 1917 4825
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

Fav 25 7285 2072
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.

Fav 26 5409 2332
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

Fav 36 2199 9876
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Do they take checks?

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

Fav 18 5363 2037
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

Fav 62 14042 1744
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

Fav 119 41646 2326
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

Fav 158 2950 13039
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?

Fav 43 7265 1330
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

Fav 32 3109 5030
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16034 4495
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?

Fav 23 1510 5325
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see

Fav 12 1324 3550
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances

Fav 28 7702 1740
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can

Fav 18 3281 2217
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

Fav 41 5060 7903
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.

Fav 162 1526 7204
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

Fav 49 7276 2893
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

Fav 125 44237 1934
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?

Fav 137 1024 2985
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

Fav 13 10373 1144
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

Fav 33 12019 3445
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

Fav 60 2412 8794
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.

Fav 38 5827 1650
share tweet
(559): View more from California

i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...

(559): View more from California

...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!

Fav 29 7370 1216
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

Fav 47 14630 1491
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

Fav 31 9358 1965
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

Fav 26 9473 1659
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

Fav 26 1724 6032
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

Fav 11 6384 2528
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

Fav 22 2997 6799
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

Fav 29 6842 3123
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

Fav 20 8432 2012
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

Fav 18 8069 1460
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

Fav 37 10358 2113
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

Fav 23 2293 5738
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.

Fav 25 5496 1947
share tweet
(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

Fav 26 10066 1975
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

Fav 23 9104 1594
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

Fav 34 6519 2697
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

Fav 15 7058 2490
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

Fav 24 5100 2327
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

Fav 24 6201 2816
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.

Fav 83 10184 1167
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17092 1832
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

Fav 19 1786 5730
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2544 16037
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.

Fav 169 2250 21068
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

Fav 121 5004 63835
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

Fav 278 5204 70029
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8812 73988
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48822 2421
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance

Fav 17 5713 1877
share tweet
(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

Fav 42 4185 9591
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...

Fav 9 4780 1451
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

Fav 44 8519 2976
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.

Fav 13 4699 1493
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35342 4427
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59119 5676
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

Fav 388 41770 4646
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63487 2873
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5489
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82800 5241
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89716 8272
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

Fav 72 11322 1844
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

Fav 39 1740 5958
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

Fav 74 2721 9388
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.

Fav 17 5274 1523
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

Fav 13 2202 4124
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

Fav 41 4877 1739
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

Fav 34 6397 3406
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

Fav 19 8944 1290
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

Fav 16 2577 7138
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.

Fav 13 5323 1532
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

Fav 43 3570 7139
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

Fav 22 5560 1911
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

Fav 17 1866 6005
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

Fav 41 3247 10006
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

Fav 9 8476 1638
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

Fav 28 4186 6034
share tweet
(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

Fav 24 8021 1325
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

Fav 52 2158 8596
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success

Fav 12 4521 1104
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

Fav 21 8707 1629
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...

Fav 15 5766 1248
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.

Fav 39 1599 7002
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13125 1907
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.

Fav 15 5541 1428
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

Fav 44 10555 1568
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

Fav 27 9370 1793
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26629 1760
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

Fav 22 8824 1485
share tweet
(555): View more from

Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.

Fav 30 2371 4292
share tweet
(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

Fav 53 16176 1319
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

Fav 184 5949 1451
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.

Fav 16 8049 1266
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

Fav 206 46790 4629
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

Fav 35 8085 1418
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage

Fav 39 1481 13705
share tweet