Texts From Last Night · kaseyalayne's Favorites

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kaseyalayne's Favorites Texts:

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(315): View more from New York

i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(505): View more from New Mexico

While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(516): View more from New York

He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(212): View more from New York

I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for

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(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

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(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(409): View more from Texas

so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...

(985): View more from Louisiana

wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night

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(410): View more from Maryland

it was a mass text i'm sorry

(603): View more from New Hampshire

do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?

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(248): View more from Michigan

you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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(713): View more from Texas

All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(917): View more from New York City

I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??

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(503): View more from Oregon

PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...

(515): View more from Iowa

Ur type is ready and willing

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(626): View more from California

that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember. Are we still dating?

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(443): View more from Maryland

God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.

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(949): View more from California

hell yes lets make some ravioli

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(702): View more from Nevada

As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(707): View more from California

I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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(757): View more from Virginia

And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now

(604): View more from British Columbia

That's weird, I usually just count sheep

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(727): View more from Florida

You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!

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(316): View more from Kansas

I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

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(443): View more from Maryland

The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(904): View more from Florida

watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..

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(440): View more from Ohio

We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

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(214): View more from Texas

come over

(1-214): View more from Texas

yeah sure

(1-214): View more from Texas

wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10

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(812): View more from Indiana

I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

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(+61): View more from Australia

yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I want to snug with you.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You want my snuggie?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(817): View more from Texas

you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(916): View more from California

She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(802): View more from Vermont

Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Pussy?

(586): View more from Michigan

how

(248): View more from Michigan

Wat do u mean how?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(980): View more from North Carolina

you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to

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(315): View more from New York

he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

we're making bets on your personal life

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(615): View more from Tennessee

a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv

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(586): View more from Michigan

Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

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(229): View more from Georgia

New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.

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(248): View more from Michigan

why didn't you poke me back

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(212): View more from New York

They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.

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(310): View more from California

He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

seriously i just wanna be friends

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

pass

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(310): View more from California

the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(714): View more from California

Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

There's a dead frog in my kitchen?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.

(402): View more from Nebraska

The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(440): View more from Ohio

thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?

(216): View more from Ohio

... about that ...

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(845): View more from New York

i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you can still come hang out if you want

(248): View more from Michigan

I really don't feel like watching you play video games

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(440): View more from Ohio

if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret

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(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(850): View more from Florida

You drinking a lot?

(1-850): View more from Florida

No.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Define a lot

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