Texts From Last Night · mbourret1015's Favorites

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(913): View more from Kansas

checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.

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(360): View more from Washington

Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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(914): View more from New York

Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.

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(714): View more from California

Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

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(214): View more from Texas

She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.

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(216): View more from Ohio

You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(630): View more from Illinois

seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(858): View more from California

ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

this just has baby written all over it

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(480): View more from Arizona

They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(718): View more from New York

Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

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(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You don't have asthma, your pregnant

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(561): View more from Florida

Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.

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(702): View more from Nevada

And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.

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(425): View more from Washington

be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant

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(226): View more from Ontario

can you blame him?

(519): View more from Ontario

i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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(847): View more from Illinois

Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.

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(239): View more from Florida

Missed another period

(1-239): View more from Florida

I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

How has he not realized you're pregnant?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Spanx.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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(440): View more from Ohio

wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant

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(217): View more from Illinois

if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wow, a mother in the making

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

i always knew you were classy

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries

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(317): View more from Indiana

The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(281): View more from Texas

Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.

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(281): View more from Texas

thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away

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(210): View more from Texas

i had confetti in my bra

(1-210): View more from Texas

i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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(330): View more from Ohio

I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(419): View more from Ohio

How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?

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(904): View more from Florida

My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood

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(269): View more from Michigan

I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(714): View more from California

considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned

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(360): View more from Washington

Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.

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(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.

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(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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(513): View more from Ohio

I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

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(914): View more from New York

You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...

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(207): View more from Maine

guess who has a date tonight

(401): View more from Rhode Island

look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.

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(801): View more from Utah

he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.

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(330): View more from Ohio

the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.

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(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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(631): View more from New York

Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

It is literally 8 in the morning.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(941): View more from Florida

sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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(480): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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(616): View more from Michigan

Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america

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(650): View more from California

Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

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(917): View more from New York City

i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(773): View more from Illinois

We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

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(404): View more from Georgia

considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.

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(475): View more from Connecticut

just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles

(1-475): View more from Connecticut

exact location. now.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.

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(302): View more from Delaware

This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.

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(641): View more from Iowa

We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.

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(216): View more from Ohio

wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?

(330): View more from Ohio

yes... and buy you lunch

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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(410): View more from Maryland

:)

(443): View more from Maryland

Wipe that smile off your face.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm going to jail i love you

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(818): View more from California

I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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(914): View more from New York

I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote

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(607): View more from New York

I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.

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(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

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(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

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(207): View more from Maine

so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

birth control should be required to get into college

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.

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(312): View more from Illinois

...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????

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(207): View more from Maine

She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.

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(571): View more from Virginia

you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

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(727): View more from Florida

hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(503): View more from Oregon

After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.

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(818): View more from California

two words...techno handjob

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(941): View more from Florida

I really should sober up and deal with this hangover

(941): View more from Florida

It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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(419): View more from Ohio

All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

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(214): View more from Texas

I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

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(315): View more from New York

I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

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(303): View more from Colorado

you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?

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(847): View more from Illinois

well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."

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(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

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(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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(510): View more from California

I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I take back everything I said about communal showers

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(804): View more from Virginia

She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

(571): View more from Virginia

Fuck you.

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(301): View more from Maryland

a search helicopter?!

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(631): View more from New York

I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

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(904): View more from Florida

Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

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(650): View more from California

Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(914): View more from New York

i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school

(1-914): View more from New York

oh right the one that ends on your bed

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(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue

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(307): View more from Wyoming

first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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(360): View more from Washington

I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

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(516): View more from New York

i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(845): View more from New York

it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we

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(703): View more from Virginia

still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?

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(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(817): View more from Texas

Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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(559): View more from California

today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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(619): View more from California

you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

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(737): View more from Texas

and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

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(410): View more from Maryland

we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.

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(702): View more from Nevada

no you cant smoke seaweed

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(812): View more from Indiana

i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.

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(404): View more from Georgia

there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

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(360): View more from Washington

my secret santa just gave me a pregency test

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(704): View more from North Carolina

They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(410): View more from Maryland

it was a mass text i'm sorry

(603): View more from New Hampshire

do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You did not just nickname me "Nipples".

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(+44): View more from England

No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet

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(586): View more from Michigan

My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.

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(806): View more from Texas

Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.

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