Texts From Last Night · nsauve's Favorites

Sorry borsnout hasn't picked any favorites yet.

nsauve's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(518): View more from New York

She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.

Fav 5 2166 836
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since

Fav 1 588 919
share tweet

(571): View more from Virginia

I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it

(812): View more from Indiana

You had 10 drinks. On a first date.

(571): View more from Virginia

I just masterbated then started bawling.

Fav 2 676 1141
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.

Fav 9 1446 632
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….

Fav 0 777 525
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.

(1-865): View more from Tennessee

hahahah

Fav 2 1063 517
share tweet

(815): View more from Illinois

A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"

Fav 7 1814 622
share tweet

(734): View more from Michigan

You get 5 min

(586): View more from Michigan

Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.

Fav 4 1517 663
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away

Fav 1 725 811
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

Fav 0 1922 631
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us

Fav 0 503 862
share tweet

(334): View more from Alabama

Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable

Fav 0 690 562
share tweet

(618): View more from Illinois

I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.

Fav 2 1030 703
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.

Fav 3 1035 871
share tweet

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk

Fav 3 834 642
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE

Fav 9 1661 619
share tweet
(230): View more from

Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.

Fav 1 1107 651
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.

(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.

Fav 0 656 841
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...

Fav 1 982 651
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.

Fav 5 1537 596
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.

(440): View more from Ohio

he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.

Fav 10 1549 660
share tweet
(619): View more from California

my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.

Fav 4 820 533
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

She won. Twice.

Fav 3 1086 593
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken

(716): View more from New York

Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.

Fav 1 734 1021
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.

Fav 1 1316 515
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.

Fav 1 1127 649
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.

(778): View more from British Columbia

Why so serious bruh

Fav 1 623 850
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

Fav 8 3404 880
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.

Fav 8 701 1195
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

My inner pteradactyl is also confused.

Fav 3 999 518
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands

Fav 0 816 506
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me

Fav 8 569 1126
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater

Fav 3 1123 544
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.

(630): View more from Illinois

also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?

Fav 20 1034 530
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.

(423): View more from Tennessee

I will have no part of this.

Fav 3 581 1121
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl

Fav 3 977 774
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.

Fav 4 1059 528
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.

Fav 0 752 513
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.

Fav 7 698 623
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.

Fav 0 886 495
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I just told a bottle to be chill

(604): View more from British Columbia

and meant it

Fav 2 836 520
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.

Fav 0 566 817
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.

Fav 5 1052 569
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I think that about sums it up, actually.

Fav 10 1346 593
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights

Fav 13 1584 661
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.

Fav 1 960 560
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."

Fav 0 1002 585
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"

Fav 0 1146 551
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.

Fav 1 964 608
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard

Fav 1 1048 619
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.

Fav 2 787 594
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

Fav 9 2912 895
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here

Fav 6 1654 769
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

Fav 31 3246 918
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist

Fav 5 766 489
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest

(937): View more from Ohio

That happened during battle shots lol

Fav 0 978 492
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.

Fav 8 763 1371
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.

Fav 5 1419 680
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up

Fav 4 1513 626
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.

Fav 0 556 670
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.

Fav 0 832 429
share tweet
(+57): View more from

I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.

Fav 6 1081 572
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there

Fav 0 777 527
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

The tryst?

(952): View more from Minnesota

The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.

Fav 2 1232 568
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"

Fav 2 1087 552
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Agreed.

Fav 0 1058 544
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.

Fav 3 1365 660
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

Fav 4 1862 668
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.

Fav 1 1232 545
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego

Fav 0 666 475
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause

Fav 3 653 455
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.

Fav 1 569 688
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.

Fav 2 700 459
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

Fav 6 1146 607
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!

Fav 7 540 1198
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any

Fav 2 919 495
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?

Fav 1 647 516
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, where are you?

(928): View more from Arizona

In back

(928): View more from Arizona

of car

(901): View more from Tennessee

... whose car?

Fav 0 843 560
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...

Fav 3 599 1195
share tweet
(351): View more from Massachusetts

Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.

Fav 2 670 573
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...

(425): View more from Washington

The subtweets were good enough

Fav 1 825 524
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"

Fav 1 1124 544
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life

Fav 2 447 951
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs

Fav 6 744 571
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy

(313): View more from Michigan

Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle

Fav 5 1377 647
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French

Fav 4 912 486
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".

Fav 4 1260 787
share tweet
(562): View more from California

When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.

Fav 0 843 511
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I know that feel bro

Fav 2 847 601
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.

Fav 1 531 706
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer

Fav 1 1009 536
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?

Fav 0 691 512
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.

Fav 3 951 700
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.

Fav 3 1019 538
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

Fav 12 2978 1397
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth

Fav 16 959 3709
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.

Fav 9 1625 837
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

Fav 6 2419 984
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

Fav 6 1634 3021
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Why does my jaw hurt?

(402): View more from Nebraska

I may have punched you.

Fav 8 2075 821
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING

Fav 7 1720 730
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

Fav 7 1789 2634
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night

Fav 6 2191 705
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"

Fav 2 907 574
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"

Fav 1 721 489
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

Fav 9 3435 951
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

Fav 54 1758 6812
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.

(480): View more from Arizona

You are both horrible and amazing

Fav 1 1051 574
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome

Fav 4 1599 612
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Are you still free tonight?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid

Fav 2 1396 652
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S

Fav 3 960 639
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?

Fav 3 1104 507
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.

Fav 2 864 435
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars

(770): View more from Georgia

wait nvm its a dude

Fav 0 656 608
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Sex in the moonbounce later?

(801): View more from Utah

This is why I love you.

Fav 2 1213 535
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.

Fav 4 1349 545
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through

Fav 0 705 523
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

Fav 13 7201 1479
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?

(480): View more from Arizona

I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.

Fav 2 940 534
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"

Fav 4 1070 489
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila

(716): View more from New York

Step 4: your drunk

Fav 4 818 529
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?

Fav 1 755 397
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

She's been drunk for three days now

(914): View more from New York

Like three straight days. 72 hours

(914): View more from New York

She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey

Fav 5 1263 513
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."

(239): View more from Florida

I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.

Fav 3 1126 623
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out

Fav 0 598 457
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.

Fav 5 856 600
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"

Fav 2 1408 627
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."

Fav 3 933 540
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.

Fav 6 1414 645
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?

Fav 1 1190 564
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.

Fav 6 1876 633
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?

Fav 4 887 638
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early

(401): View more from Rhode Island

You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?

Fav 4 3020 651
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.

Fav 15 2634 1151
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

It's 4 in the afternoon........

Fav 2 1031 544
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.

Fav 2 1155 621
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Where'd you go last night?

(512): View more from Texas

Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.

Fav 3 1230 630
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You fucked that MILF against my car!

(415): View more from California

How would you know?

(619): View more from California

She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her

Fav 5 1112 743
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet

Fav 4 1401 570
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.

Fav 3 1053 534
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...

Fav 2 719 490
share tweet
(420): View more from

I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.

Fav 5 3285 1024
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.

Fav 4 1723 798
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.

Fav 4 751 1699
share tweet
(562): View more from California

You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.

(310): View more from California

Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?

Fav 2 1250 650
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

My day in three words: secret purse cake

Fav 0 804 654
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.

Fav 2 1074 840
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

How early is too early to study with margaritas?

Fav 5 753 543
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?

Fav 3 1034 766
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Did you high five my face last night?

(417): View more from Missouri

Yes. Yes I did.

Fav 2 1071 678
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.

Fav 2 908 647
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals

Fav 1 739 512
share tweet
(510): View more from California

A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out

Fav 5 1993 711
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time

Fav 1 953 636
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

Fav 5 3632 1115
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I have a surprise for you

(1-254): View more from Texas

Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!

Fav 5 2709 883
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.

(917): View more from New York City

Gotta love Minnesota

Fav 3 1175 626
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.

Fav 4 1872 745
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?

(305): View more from Florida

It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.

(954): View more from Florida

STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn

Fav 1 1430 695
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.

Fav 1 591 838
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment

Fav 3 524 871
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me

Fav 2 1196 616
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything

Fav 12 2369 991
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.

Fav 8 3887 882
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...

Fav 0 899 523
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Both.

Fav 3 1136 551
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.

(201): View more from New Jersey

... and if i was..

(213): View more from California

Fuck. You.

Fav 5 2095 835
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

Fav 20 2796 1349
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...

Fav 14 836 1689
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

Fav 8 3868 1104
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I'm puking in a turkey pan....

Fav 6 1408 749
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

Fav 12 6942 1204
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

(616): View more from Michigan

I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

Fav 4 3297 1780
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.

Fav 10 3082 1142
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.

Fav 2 881 652
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD

Fav 10 1970 806
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I am not getting you a goat.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.

Fav 5 1362 666
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.

Fav 5 655 576
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.

Fav 11 2669 999
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

Fav 16 3939 1702
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.

Fav 1 795 478
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies

Fav 1 749 797
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.

(954): View more from Florida

I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?

(1-954): View more from Florida

A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think

Fav 3 1752 710
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.

Fav 2 978 563
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing

Fav 1 1497 596
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.

Fav 9 920 641
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container

Fav 10 924 637
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class

Fav 3 1474 531
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh

Fav 0 666 458
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis

Fav 3 895 639
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.

Fav 1 653 788
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.

Fav 12 1879 697
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?

Fav 5 2434 817
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Oh my god.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

The ballsiest level.

Fav 1 1038 824
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick

Fav 2 887 497
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered

Fav 4 1158 598
share tweet
(209): View more from California

He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.

Fav 5 611 854
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.

Fav 12 659 1311
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.

Fav 3 1069 578
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Security deposit gone.

(269): View more from Michigan

burned down garage with fireworks.

Fav 5 708 1040
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.

(1-727): View more from Florida

I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.

Fav 5 1144 518
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato

Fav 4 1001 602
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

if i bang your brother are we still cool?

Fav 5 1114 558
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.

Fav 0 963 483
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless

Fav 9 893 560
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating

Fav 11 650 986
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.

(613): View more from Ontario

The fuck? Where?

(226): View more from Ontario

St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.

Fav 8 1201 601
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break

(425): View more from Washington

Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.

Fav 2 691 539
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!

Fav 3 982 723
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.

Fav 2 805 508
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.

Fav 5 1329 521
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The paramedics were not my fault this time.

Fav 2 769 547
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club

Fav 5 976 483
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else

Fav 4 1382 557
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.

Fav 5 1661 839
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer

Fav 1 894 514
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.

(917): View more from New York City

That's how he does EVERYTHING!

Fav 0 846 597
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?

Fav 9 1627 708
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down

Fav 0 632 420
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.

Fav 1 710 555
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.

Fav 3 1133 611
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.

Fav 3 705 535
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party

Fav 4 1090 483
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You in for a dick vacation?

(1-619): View more from California

YES, even though I have no idea what that means

Fav 4 976 511
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".

Fav 6 1215 526
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.

Fav 4 1482 541
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success

Fav 3 930 492
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....

Fav 12 1772 1076
share tweet
(707): View more from California

According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.

(253): View more from Washington

You called the wrong number but I salute you.

Fav 4 1745 657
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.

Fav 4 838 663
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.

Fav 1 605 587
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

How did work go after you told them you were in jail?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Great they tried to bail me out.

Fav 2 1155 467
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."

Fav 1 730 500
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.

Fav 1 584 452
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"

Fav 10 2068 923
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally acceptable.

Fav 7 2479 778
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.

Fav 5 1307 567
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.

Fav 2 534 830
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

Fav 10 3856 1025
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE

Fav 6 819 1891
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.

Fav 4 2609 1124
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.

Fav 4 2134 1163
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog

Fav 12 1190 3038
share tweet
(714): View more from California

What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.

Fav 7 1576 911
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!

Fav 4 911 516
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.

Fav 2 810 443
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.

Fav 5 814 685
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sure lol what's that?

(323): View more from California

Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why?

(323): View more from California

Fav 3 1048 609
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.

(605): View more from South Dakota

When was that?

(515): View more from Iowa

Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.

Fav 9 999 1401
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up

Fav 6 1090 602
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.

Fav 2 753 622
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.

Fav 1 845 642
share tweet
(661): View more from California

This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.

Fav 4 1049 752
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.

Fav 2 1739 568
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.

Fav 6 1493 602
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.

Fav 8 529 1032
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.

Fav 5 1059 621
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY

Fav 2 818 820
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.

Fav 10 1607 659
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.

Fav 4 1259 490
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.

Fav 4 974 461
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.

Fav 6 625 968
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard

(1-817): View more from Texas

Pass or fail tho

Fav 0 726 1159
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.

Fav 9 2468 692
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well

Fav 4 523 983
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.

Fav 2 1246 670
share tweet
(650): View more from California

So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.

Fav 5 847 554
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.

Fav 4 1008 622
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!

Fav 2 801 445
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

JESUS

Fav 4 1312 582
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?

Fav 12 1010 590
share tweet
(348): View more from

Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

(1-348): View more from

You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

Fav 5 3627 886
share tweet
(949): View more from California

So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.

Fav 4 2457 955
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.

Fav 11 1359 2663
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday

Fav 0 746 446
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.

Fav 4 1159 723
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant

Fav 2 980 688
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum

Fav 1 551 534
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.

Fav 6 1732 766
share tweet
(527): View more from

I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.

(1-527): View more from

Top night. Top night.

Fav 1 698 871
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.

Fav 8 1960 848
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"

Fav 6 1370 571
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.

Fav 5 868 506
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF

Fav 3 1134 744
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.

Fav 21 1711 1344
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?

Fav 2 1175 535
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.

(404): View more from Georgia

Clearly, you already have. Both of them.

Fav 6 1409 674
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.

Fav 1 788 653
share tweet
(681): View more from West Virginia

I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion

(743): View more from

It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you

Fav 3 1400 658
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.

Fav 2 682 812
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security

Fav 2 917 488
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.

Fav 3 958 1342
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

Fav 11 1742 4104
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

You working tonight?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess

Fav 10 2728 1816
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions

Fav 4 877 497
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Come through the front door when you get here.

(1-516): View more from New York

Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.

Fav 4 1097 641
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."

(410): View more from Maryland

I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.

Fav 4 1853 591
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean

Fav 2 1854 634
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

dont eat that thats our sex nutella.

Fav 10 1212 646
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.

Fav 5 1056 549
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.

Fav 1 1505 647
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.

Fav 2 1447 725
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.

(303): View more from Colorado

This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.

Fav 2 986 570
share tweet
(44): View more from United Kingdom

Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...

Fav 2 817 523
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Helmets.

Fav 6 1404 590
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car

Fav 2 707 521
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

Fav 11 1978 739
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame

Fav 1 903 439
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.

Fav 1 580 1077
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.

Fav 6 1012 549
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.

Fav 0 527 1005
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm drunk at 3:28

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm jealous as shit at 3:34

Fav 1 1479 644
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.

Fav 2 734 540
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.

Fav 0 952 699
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.

Fav 16 1217 1898
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.

Fav 4 1990 847
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face

Fav 7 1573 673
share tweet
(310): View more from California

he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party

Fav 1 623 1309
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?

Fav 5 1242 562
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.

Fav 11 1652 604
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you

Fav 4 1145 591
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am

Fav 1 749 592
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

Fav 19 3751 1035
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?

Fav 1 610 816
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.

Fav 9 1540 679
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"

Fav 3 2798 766
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.

Fav 2 1494 565
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.

Fav 1 1038 531
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them

Fav 1 1118 578
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.

Fav 8 1508 793
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

Fav 6 2881 989
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

Fav 5 2020 764
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.

(901): View more from Tennessee

But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.

Fav 4 1296 618
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.

(757): View more from Virginia

you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.

Fav 7 2158 940
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.

(616): View more from Michigan

2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.

Fav 6 1371 728
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.

Fav 1 781 450
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

Fav 8 4003 1361
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.

Fav 5 1410 653
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.

Fav 2 1457 528
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.

Fav 0 1168 607
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.

Fav 2 779 492
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot

Fav 0 863 588
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.

Fav 1 1093 503
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.

Fav 2 1298 584
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.

Fav 7 928 820
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."

Fav 4 1374 857
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.

(860): View more from Connecticut

Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.

Fav 2 699 809
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.

Fav 3 810 512
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.

Fav 2 1122 694
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.

Fav 2 1161 521
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle

Fav 2 1176 506
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?

Fav 1 671 501
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.

Fav 3 1238 567
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.

Fav 3 929 606
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.

Fav 2 1060 600
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."

Fav 6 1457 554
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.

Fav 3 813 557
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!

Fav 8 1076 570
share tweet
(818): View more from California

You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.

Fav 1 832 485
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.

Fav 4 719 997
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.

Fav 1 1045 640
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.

Fav 18 3455 741
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours

(646): View more from New York

This text was so worth waking up to

Fav 4 1072 587
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...

Fav 4 1220 574
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.

Fav 4 900 674
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'

Fav 4 1412 635
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.

Fav 13 2362 848
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.

Fav 4 1383 565
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.

Fav 6 932 749
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're my favorite person

Fav 7 1476 819
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.

Fav 1 936 513
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend

Fav 2 956 635
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Thanks for fucking me in last night

(435): View more from Utah

TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT

Fav 10 1965 727
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.

Fav 3 1006 618
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.

Fav 4 869 563
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

You sprinted into the side of a parked car

Fav 0 1144 582
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"

Fav 1 1611 607
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

Fav 7 3663 842
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?

(816): View more from Missouri

yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward

Fav 12 1811 718
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

(269): View more from Michigan

7) Noodle arms: engage

(269): View more from Michigan

The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

Fav 8 1767 736
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"

Fav 2 1134 604
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

Fav 16 4237 923
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead

Fav 7 1650 892
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences

(919): View more from North Carolina

great clearly means different things to us

Fav 2 1067 606
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.

Fav 2 1001 621
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON

Fav 5 973 807
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.

Fav 2 1019 554
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market

Fav 3 1111 1000
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.

Fav 4 1851 818
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..

Fav 3 828 811
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Happy birthday, you long dick monster

Fav 9 1672 670
share tweet
(310): View more from California

All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.

Fav 2 1752 637
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.

Fav 2 516 930
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.

Fav 5 657 867
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.

Fav 1 881 589
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

Fav 18 6929 1480
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt

Fav 1 1868 810
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?

Fav 3 734 930
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.

Fav 0 775 571
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy

Fav 2 925 578
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.

Fav 3 1172 577
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!

Fav 3 1056 629
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now

Fav 4 1189 738
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

Fav 4 2302 1019
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

Fav 4 1861 1048
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.

Fav 1 1406 544
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.

Fav 5 2095 1174
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.

(1-310): View more from California

That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.

Fav 14 2563 845
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Nothing says love like couples STD testing

(972): View more from Texas

Nothing says breakup like the results

Fav 7 1842 961
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.

Fav 17 1891 955
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.

Fav 8 2766 1123
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.

Fav 2 1026 537
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

What happened to my face?

(715): View more from Wisconsin

You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

It was impressive.

Fav 3 1484 751
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.

Fav 4 1038 658
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.

Fav 0 1112 537
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.

Fav 4 1918 767
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"

Fav 1 747 930
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.

(682): View more from Texas

Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.

Fav 2 983 1332
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

And the results, officer?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

She's fucked.

Fav 6 1420 597
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

Fav 11 2491 829
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats

Fav 7 1098 1937
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this

Fav 5 1420 941
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.

Fav 3 1362 623
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing

(1-619): View more from California

Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this

(619): View more from California

...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...

Fav 4 1537 802
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

Fav 6 2541 759
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.

Fav 4 1606 628
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.

(1-925): View more from California

How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?

Fav 13 1621 624
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

Fav 6 2249 759
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.

Fav 3 1286 637
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.

Fav 3 1518 637
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming

Fav 5 1439 874
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like

(972): View more from Texas

Why do you text me weird shit like this?

Fav 5 1384 709
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell

Fav 11 2439 843
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.

Fav 10 1720 617
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.

Fav 4 1609 692
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

Fav 3 4636 1801
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.

Fav 8 1484 508
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn

Fav 4 1098 621
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire

Fav 7 1858 786
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?

(423): View more from Tennessee

I was emotionally compromised.

Fav 1 1004 688
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??

Fav 3 1159 734
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad

Fav 8 1516 945
share tweet
(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

Fav 8 3531 912
share tweet
(805): View more from California

the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick

Fav 6 993 578
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.

Fav 1 510 716
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.

Fav 12 955 1615
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

Fav 9 2764 762
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.

Fav 1 1130 542
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other

(1-979): View more from Texas

LOL its 11 am

Fav 7 1421 668
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.

Fav 5 1049 542
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?

(647): View more from Ontario

Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.

Fav 5 2270 699
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

Fav 7 2933 1042
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made

Fav 3 2316 859
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.

Fav 9 2910 1472
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.

Fav 18 2580 1039
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.

Fav 11 2201 1209
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."

Fav 2 1187 570
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.

Fav 4 1053 637
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"

Fav 5 1803 752
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.

Fav 18 1505 825
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.

Fav 1 736 963
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college

Fav 5 3947 1019
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

Fav 13 3964 1617
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42080 2250
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

Fav 6 2576 1172
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....

Fav 3 2169 1792
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.

Fav 5 2227 703
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.

Fav 7 1800 699
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.

(503): View more from Oregon

He asked if he could come over tomorrow....

Fav 9 1963 662
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him

Fav 2 1227 913
share tweet
(916): View more from California

you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"

Fav 2 1380 532
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!

Fav 3 899 566
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.

Fav 5 1585 758
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants

Fav 13 928 1405
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"

Fav 0 875 480
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Aw.

Fav 2 913 1037
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it

(501): View more from Arkansas

Then he went and peed on those teenagers.

Fav 6 1444 769
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?

Fav 2 843 526
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?

(734): View more from Michigan

You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."

Fav 4 1305 595
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I need Jameson.

(240): View more from Maryland

Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.

Fav 7 1624 767
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?

Fav 3 814 511
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.

Fav 0 888 525
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.

(214): View more from Texas

SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.

Fav 12 1408 699
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.

Fav 4 1251 690
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care

Fav 1 1613 572
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

Fav 54 10585 1522
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..

Fav 2 656 820
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.

(214): View more from Texas

I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity

Fav 2 945 582
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Woke up in time for my 8:15

(518): View more from New York

Good for you I'm impressed

(561): View more from Florida

I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester

Fav 2 1469 1573
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.

Fav 2 914 726
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Was I asleep on the ride home?

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.

Fav 4 966 660
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays

Fav 3 757 639
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?

Fav 2 1219 501
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.

Fav 1 1008 571
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Is cereal technically a soup?

(310): View more from California

Fuck, I'm high.

Fav 9 1753 722
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.

Fav 2 1262 572
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Basically.

Fav 8 3249 838
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

Fav 7 2095 730
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

(415): View more from California

I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

Fav 7 2882 877
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?

Fav 1 951 549
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Pants off. Spirits lifted.

Fav 2 1231 599
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.

Fav 9 1420 885
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall

Fav 6 2412 733
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower

Fav 7 1157 596
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"

Fav 7 874 1826
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I think winning the long island race means you lose at life

Fav 5 1344 842
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.

Fav 3 2867 1076
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

Fav 21 8106 1543
share tweet
(562): View more from California

When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.

Fav 5 955 645
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j

Fav 3 920 656
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs

Fav 4 805 1454
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.

(540): View more from Virginia

He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.

Fav 1 1001 576
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.

Fav 6 1704 662
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there

Fav 5 948 624
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You burned the hair off your arms. Again.

(860): View more from Connecticut

It grows back stronger each time.

Fav 1 1107 740
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.

Fav 7 627 915
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.

Fav 5 1569 697
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea

Fav 5 939 1579
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween

Fav 3 1150 639
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.

Fav 7 1836 701
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

Fav 6 3008 1292
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.

Fav 5 1715 1578
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

Fav 11 5243 1319
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception

Fav 5 881 993
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.

Fav 1 1394 692
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

Fav 2 2246 785
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome

Fav 4 1646 1013
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear

Fav 3 1419 632
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.

Fav 3 936 662
share tweet
(925): View more from California

you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left

Fav 4 3866 1194
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?

Fav 9 1151 2212
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.

Fav 9 4116 1403
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.

Fav 4 1543 713
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again

Fav 5 3481 1489
share tweet
(530): View more from California

We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.

Fav 3 2454 930
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

Fav 3 3951 1141
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.

Fav 3 1933 942
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

Fav 8 5967 1201
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.

Fav 0 1416 796
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.

(574): View more from Indiana

Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.

Fav 1 1665 669
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.

Fav 5 1310 618
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin

(774): View more from Massachusetts

He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying

Fav 3 2306 875
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!

Fav 10 2786 933
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever

Fav 22 3607 892
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

(408): View more from California

Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

(1-408): View more from California

I approve this so hard.

Fav 4 1566 702
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.

Fav 14 1695 889
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.

Fav 4 1596 770
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts

Fav 4 4038 1275
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

Fav 9 3901 1007
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.

Fav 3 2193 815
share tweet
(858): View more from California

There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.

Fav 5 1389 609
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back

Fav 2 669 1031
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.

Fav 20 5842 1676
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf

Fav 6 571 1041
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.

Fav 2 1591 602
share tweet
(627): View more from California

some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.

Fav 9 2253 713
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much

Fav 1 483 908
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.

Fav 2 1324 576
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday

Fav 8 5500 1258
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.

Fav 6 3673 927
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

(773): View more from Illinois

Just arrived at our party

Fav 18 4122 1068
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.

Fav 2 582 995
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.

Fav 13 1693 701
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room

Fav 9 2400 1711
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?

Fav 14 1646 3703
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides

Fav 6 1257 583
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.

Fav 3 1443 710
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night

Fav 3 984 802
share tweet
(415): View more from California

The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.

Fav 4 773 870
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?

Fav 8 1830 956
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done

Fav 5 1265 777
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".

Fav 5 1085 1614
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober

Fav 4 1227 607
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...

Fav 2 1166 620
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?

Fav 3 1577 590
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?

Fav 4 1341 721
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.

Fav 11 865 2079
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.

Fav 6 2556 1155
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.

Fav 4 1231 715
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.

Fav 3 990 656
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...

Fav 6 972 1309
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

Fav 3 2709 848
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

151 hangover. Need apocalypse.

Fav 3 1303 754
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

were you high?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

When?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Actually just blanket yes to that question

Fav 2 2372 925
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages

Fav 4 925 2430
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

Fav 13 2036 1019
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.

Fav 1 1417 883
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.

Fav 8 1929 640
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat

Fav 3 952 705
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Do you have paint?

(727): View more from Florida

Paint? I wish

(727): View more from Florida

OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Fav 2 1219 737
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.

Fav 0 631 869
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.

Fav 6 1360 726
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

YES.

Fav 3 1642 672
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast

Fav 2 1139 590
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear

Fav 6 1816 764
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

Fav 4 2729 832
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.

Fav 1 688 1084
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time

(830): View more from Texas

well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from

Fav 8 1670 759
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?

Fav 1 796 609
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.

Fav 5 3129 666
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.

Fav 6 1494 620
share tweet
(714): View more from California

No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.

Fav 4 609 918
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.

Fav 7 4188 1119
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.

Fav 6 1416 2554
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN

Fav 12 1739 920
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties

Fav 5 3246 948
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

Fav 8 1390 3302
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.

Fav 7 2908 1550
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.

Fav 14 3724 1204
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

Fav 14 3547 891
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.

Fav 3 1304 778
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'

Fav 5 721 809
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.

Fav 2 1169 585
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

Fav 2 1825 674
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.

Fav 4 1436 638
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.

(312): View more from Illinois

Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE

Fav 1 1145 680
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

can anyone on this campus do anything sober?

Fav 3 1071 941
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.

Fav 12 935 1392
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

Fav 1 1561 679
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

...Wow...

(309): View more from Illinois

I could be a kindergarten teacher

Fav 20 1653 806
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it

Fav 9 2460 830
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

Fav 10 3753 1276
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

Fav 9 1985 4888
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods

Fav 6 3918 892
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy

Fav 10 1742 777
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.

Fav 1 1452 835
share tweet
(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

Fav 10 3646 1308
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..

Fav 8 4188 1185
share tweet
(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

Fav 8 5901 1341
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.

Fav 17 1221 1448
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

Fav 5 3201 853
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

Fav 24 8273 1682
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.

Fav 1 1060 566
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.

Fav 6 1133 606
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had

Fav 1 799 554
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think

Fav 4 1027 561
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

Fav 17 3120 1137
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.

Fav 7 1143 609
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

Fav 10 1957 1159
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.

Fav 4 1564 719
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.

Fav 6 1940 800
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise

(908): View more from New Jersey

omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg

Fav 5 1541 817
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex

Fav 7 1453 779
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.

Fav 2 1207 1088
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.

Fav 3 2702 1580
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..

(707): View more from California

WOAH TOO HIGH

Fav 3 1272 688
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.

Fav 4 1961 898
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

Fav 7 3704 1260
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it

Fav 7 4323 2201
share tweet
(530): View more from California

.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.

Fav 11 1183 1604
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

Fav 13 2834 773
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?

Fav 4 1058 1739
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata

Fav 5 2640 927
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive

Fav 0 1301 906
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

Fav 6 1859 910
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body

Fav 16 1317 883
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.

Fav 1 1579 538
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...

Fav 9 1608 674
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.

Fav 4 1409 649
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.

Fav 27 764 3846
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

Fav 0 1552 718
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night

Fav 1 1217 619
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.

Fav 1 1374 633
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.

Fav 8 2118 720
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA

Fav 5 1181 687
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin

Fav 4 1547 870
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working

Fav 3 1349 4099
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate

Fav 2 1162 684
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?

Fav 7 1147 585
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.

Fav 6 813 1894
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.

Fav 2 629 847
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.

Fav 7 2654 823
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever

Fav 5 1254 572
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.

(1-206): View more from Washington

That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.

Fav 6 2006 728
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..

Fav 4 844 1107
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.

Fav 3 1350 1184
share tweet
(627): View more from California

Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.

Fav 7 2703 790
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.

Fav 3 1586 577
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.

Fav 3 1715 762
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.

Fav 4 2317 756
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.

Fav 4 2298 1061
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.

Fav 12 3815 1275
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

Fav 13 1730 3572
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

Fav 10 3330 1598
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like my teeth are sweating.

Fav 9 1422 2433
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"

(1-905): View more from Ontario

He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.

Fav 4 1468 1191
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

Fav 17 8743 1623
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.

Fav 3 683 887
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.

Fav 4 1744 644
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

Fav 6 4769 1361
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

Fav 10 11657 1467
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

Fav 6 3070 1584
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.

Fav 6 1134 1629
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

Fav 19 5576 1229
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

Fav 17 6954 1374
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.

Fav 11 1424 750
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

hey the jello shots wont freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

How much Everclear did you put in them?

(512): View more from Texas

uhhh all of it

Fav 5 1904 657
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES

Fav 6 1396 713
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts

Fav 4 744 1168
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

This is why I married you.

Fav 4 3121 851
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."

Fav 3 1243 613
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..

Fav 9 1600 784
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.

Fav 5 855 1350
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me

Fav 7 1015 645
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

successful birthday. 2012 rules

Fav 1 789 1279
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.

Fav 13 3119 741
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs

Fav 6 1965 1105
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

Fav 5 3370 1168
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots

Fav 5 1792 807
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dave a horae rider a coqw boy

Fav 11 4380 1341
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.

Fav 7 847 1300
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"

Fav 10 1628 669
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.

Fav 10 1444 765
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.

Fav 9 683 1721
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often

Fav 3 1441 646
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.

Fav 7 1996 736
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.

Fav 1 758 812
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water

Fav 6 1179 599
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT

Fav 4 1267 916
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

Fav 9 3174 840
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON

(+61): View more from Australia

SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE

(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.

Fav 9 1785 835
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef

(240): View more from Maryland

Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is the exact response I was looking for.

Fav 8 1941 816
share tweet
(619): View more from California

But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.

Fav 18 1033 1305
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

Fav 7 3058 912
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

Fav 25 9273 1458
share tweet
(415): View more from California

i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap

Fav 13 1694 5568
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.

Fav 5 1594 844
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.

Fav 4 1271 844
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.

Fav 4 1326 942
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.

Fav 6 3177 890
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

Fav 6 4284 1226
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car

Fav 10 1745 2568
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

Fav 16 12285 1358
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

Fav 10 4743 1490
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover

Fav 4 1036 689
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

Fav 6 5165 1084
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.

Fav 10 4026 929
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Vodka shot parachutes

(265): View more from

Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room

Fav 3 1523 773
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

Fav 6 4266 1441
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

If I was 5 years younger and single...

(413): View more from Massachusetts

She STILL wouldn't fuck you.

Fav 4 1580 1038
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.

Fav 5 667 1135
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

Fav 6 890 1943
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

Fav 54 11594 1818
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.

Fav 9 2026 832
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.

Fav 7 812 1654
share tweet
(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

Fav 13 6496 1551
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.

Fav 3 2540 944
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.

Fav 7 1907 804
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.

Fav 3 1160 796
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?

Fav 13 1622 829
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.

Fav 11 1837 829
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.

Fav 11 2657 1257
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.

Fav 7 1853 672
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?

Fav 19 1510 822
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.

Fav 6 743 1192
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated

Fav 6 1369 664
share tweet
(+79): View more from

Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.

Fav 1 1064 592
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.

Fav 6 1491 724
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP

Fav 0 916 644
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

Fav 5 2028 810
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".

Fav 4 2075 1200
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

where's the fun in that?

Fav 1 1387 877
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.

Fav 6 1340 1386
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

Fav 10 10111 1298
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined

Fav 2 1103 747
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.

Fav 12 1750 875
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

Fav 26 3929 1073
share tweet
(949): View more from California

So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?

Fav 13 1711 1244
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls

Fav 14 2701 947
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."

Fav 5 1326 1644
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.

Fav 3 1306 1156
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

Fav 9 5652 1732
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack

Fav 6 3455 1305
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.

Fav 1 1073 977
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"

Fav 5 2213 748
share tweet
(510): View more from California

You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.

Fav 7 915 1075
share tweet
(234): View more from Ohio

Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.

Fav 3 1514 739
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

Fav 7 2971 807
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

Fav 9 4124 1077
share tweet
(619): View more from California

It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

Fav 11 3071 839
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I'm your Election Erection Connection

(860): View more from Connecticut

I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.

Fav 9 1885 821
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

Fav 4 1732 865
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.

Fav 3 2070 714
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.

Fav 9 1326 560
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.

Fav 10 3305 1271
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.

Fav 2 2360 1015
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance

Fav 4 1739 683
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.

Fav 4 1200 674
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2

Fav 5 2408 857
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

Fav 13 6413 1541
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

Fav 22 5735 2762
share tweet
(+63): View more from

there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi

Fav 5 1465 995
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

Fav 19 3726 1065
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who dressed up as a cop at your party???

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

idk I have to check. Why?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

Fav 5 2811 672
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID

Fav 4 1334 763
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)

Fav 6 1809 805
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night

Fav 3 936 774
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.

Fav 11 2337 1611
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.

Fav 5 1629 666
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night

Fav 9 1849 802
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night

Fav 5 1329 657
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

Fav 10 7054 2287
share tweet
(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

Fav 4 3371 1045
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.

Fav 12 1397 3085
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you

Fav 11 1464 3170
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those were the highlights of my night.

Fav 8 2292 1029
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk

Fav 6 2315 825
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time

Fav 7 2288 897
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

Fav 11 4242 1468
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

Fav 20 5446 1598
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.

Fav 4 2467 1244
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

Fav 10 1802 753
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

Fav 8 2780 924
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.

Fav 1 1622 694
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.

Fav 6 1776 695
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit

Fav 6 1069 710
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

Fav 21 4456 971
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

Fav 6 2092 839
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

Fav 20 5050 1087
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building

Fav 4 1435 738
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

Fav 9 5616 2279
share tweet
(842): View more from

we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone

Fav 11 2767 1253
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

Fav 11 5342 1613
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

Fav 16 3161 1495
share tweet
(619): View more from California

No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist

Fav 7 1574 753
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME

Fav 18 1803 1076
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

Fav 9 3458 1200
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.

Fav 5 1142 736
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.

Fav 3 1500 772
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.

Fav 11 1761 1081
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

Fav 8 3013 1480
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.

Fav 22 1532 1400
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.

Fav 5 2366 1218
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

Fav 11 3828 1076
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"

(425): View more from Washington

I want to be you.

Fav 6 2709 944
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.

Fav 4 2270 1664
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.

Fav 7 1871 954
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23542 2201
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.

Fav 5 2596 1334
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD

Fav 13 1764 947
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

Fav 5 5463 1223
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

Fav 41 8978 2981
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you

Fav 3 3265 1885
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight

Fav 6 1599 1039
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

Fav 9 4517 1400
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.

Fav 6 2166 1052
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.

Fav 3 1191 1633
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof

Fav 5 1502 659
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

Fav 13 5814 1401
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.

Fav 8 2206 895
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

Fav 8 2247 892
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

Fav 17 5357 2022
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.

Fav 0 1186 810
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

Fav 12 4169 1089
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.

Fav 5 3699 1155
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

Fav 11 3267 1084
share tweet
(951): View more from California

He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".

Fav 12 1242 1746
share tweet