Texts From Last Night · McTastySweater's Favorites

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McTastySweater's Favorites Texts:

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Why do you hate her?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....

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(720): View more from Colorado

Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Only if you died obviously.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman

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(678): View more from Georgia

So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color

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(248): View more from Michigan

How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna

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(206): View more from Washington

That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.

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(044): View more from

fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face

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(903): View more from Texas

Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can give you five reasons its your baby

(978): View more from Massachusetts

and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.

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(727): View more from Florida

How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?

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(971): View more from Oregon

Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account

(971): View more from Oregon

It could happen to you too!

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(925): View more from California

Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early

(401): View more from Rhode Island

You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?

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(619): View more from California

I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.

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(281): View more from Texas

My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.

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(571): View more from Virginia

My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it

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(574): View more from Indiana

Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.

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(317): View more from Indiana

It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.

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(210): View more from Texas

My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?

(1+44): View more from

Which pub are you in?

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(516): View more from New York

Come through the front door when you get here.

(1-516): View more from New York

Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?

(843): View more from South Carolina

Maybe

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.

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(928): View more from Arizona

So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time

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(425): View more from Washington

I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.

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(773): View more from Illinois

okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I fill condoms, not promises.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.

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(650): View more from California

I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?

(831): View more from California

I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak

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(224): View more from Illinois

Is it rude if I don't go?

(248): View more from Michigan

No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.

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(904): View more from Florida

Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(269): View more from Michigan

1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

(269): View more from Michigan

7) Noodle arms: engage

(269): View more from Michigan

The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window

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(512): View more from Texas

dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth

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(334): View more from Alabama

FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.

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(214): View more from Texas

Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight

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(512): View more from Texas

He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.

(614): View more from Ohio

That d should have definitely been an s.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with

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(989): View more from Michigan

Lets go hit some boners bro!

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Basically.

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(845): View more from New York

YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

(1-914): View more from New York

YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

(845): View more from New York

I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.

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(627): View more from California

some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.

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(631): View more from New York

Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I believe they call that patchouli.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...

(860): View more from Connecticut

the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you

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(417): View more from Missouri

THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW

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(417): View more from Missouri

Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.

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(509): View more from Washington

I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.

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(718): View more from New York

Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?

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(312): View more from Illinois

Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'

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(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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(585): View more from New York

WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

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(925): View more from California

Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i found out she really is a mensa member

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party

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(650): View more from California

We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

(650): View more from California

And so far nothing been broken!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other

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(208): View more from Idaho

He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

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(917): View more from New York City

No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life

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(813): View more from Florida

It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.

(315): View more from New York

That's the best compliment I have ever received.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

(301): View more from Maryland

That wasn't a compliment.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(319): View more from Iowa

That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

This is why I married you.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter

(1-773): View more from Illinois

re read what you just said

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(904): View more from Florida

You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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(845): View more from New York

I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.

(845): View more from New York

I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"

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(216): View more from Ohio

Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud

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(607): View more from New York

There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.

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(914): View more from New York

2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!

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(419): View more from Ohio

She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

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(408): View more from California

so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing

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(908): View more from New Jersey

But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.

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(561): View more from Florida

You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...

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(585): View more from New York

It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We don't really communicate like that.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like what?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse

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(352): View more from Florida

Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.

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(915): View more from Texas

Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired

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(716): View more from New York

took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink

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(813): View more from Florida

People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(309): View more from Illinois

the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me

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(518): View more from New York

Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?

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(410): View more from Maryland

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(360): View more from Washington

ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.

(425): View more from Washington

are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?

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(425): View more from Washington

OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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(585): View more from New York

N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(517): View more from Michigan

it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.

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(251): View more from Alabama

How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(916): View more from California

Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.

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(518): View more from New York

Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

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(770): View more from Georgia

He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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(512): View more from Texas

Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me

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(706): View more from Georgia

The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

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(817): View more from Texas

We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?

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(818): View more from California

No...this little piggys going to the bar

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

Too much penis in there.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

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(563): View more from Iowa

You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

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(909): View more from California

I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.

(213): View more from California

I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

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(214): View more from Texas

Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?

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(921): View more from

Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.

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(904): View more from Florida

Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.

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(702): View more from Nevada

We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.

(843): View more from South Carolina

You're the best wingman ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?

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(+61): View more from Australia

Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.

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(909): View more from California

I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..

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(845): View more from New York

He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought

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(979): View more from Texas

It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.

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(905): View more from Ontario

foreskin is a definite game changer

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.

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(516): View more from New York

I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Stop whining I left you with whiskey

(224): View more from Illinois

YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

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(607): View more from New York

I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.

(1-607): View more from New York

Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum

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(607): View more from New York

Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

(315): View more from New York

I get naked cuz your not there

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(207): View more from Maine

he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else

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(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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(443): View more from Maryland

No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..

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(214): View more from Texas

So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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(209): View more from California

Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.

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(512): View more from Texas

I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(417): View more from Missouri

It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.

(919): View more from North Carolina

It's a mixed blessing.

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(817): View more from Texas

What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?

(940): View more from Texas

I worry about you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving

(301): View more from Maryland

He didn't think we needed a taxi

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.

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(305): View more from Florida

Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!

(216): View more from Ohio

Look at your life. Look at your choices.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(909): View more from California

Every concussion has its silver lining

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

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(205): View more from Alabama

You fucked her?! HER?!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek

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(203): View more from Connecticut

nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wanna skype?

(1-425): View more from Washington

Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

Yes and yes

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(714): View more from California

I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.

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(916): View more from California

My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.

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(713): View more from Texas

Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed

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(+34): View more from Spain

You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.

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(678): View more from Georgia

And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger

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(757): View more from Virginia

So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.

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(519): View more from Ontario

After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.

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(714): View more from California

I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."

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(303): View more from Colorado

Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(940): View more from Texas

Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

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(415): View more from California

She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.

(740): View more from Ohio

Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.

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(+61): View more from Australia

On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .

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(206): View more from Washington

What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.

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(906): View more from Michigan

As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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(254): View more from Texas

What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.

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(406): View more from Montana

Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

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(812): View more from Indiana

After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I cant shower it involves moving...

(219): View more from Indiana

Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I feel like death gave me a hand job

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(310): View more from California

How was the party last night?

(314): View more from Missouri

There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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(713): View more from Texas

Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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(240): View more from Maryland

YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.

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(+49): View more from Germany

we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!

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(707): View more from California

I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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(352): View more from Florida

Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested

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(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.

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(516): View more from New York

Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.

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(773): View more from Illinois

All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He won't sleep with me again until I commit...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(707): View more from California

They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

(705): View more from Ontario

I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

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(518): View more from New York

Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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(469): View more from Texas

Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?

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(254): View more from Texas

Are we hungover?

(713): View more from Texas

I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.

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(951): View more from California

She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.

(770): View more from Georgia

That's the only definition of lonely that I know.

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(509): View more from Washington

I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate

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(216): View more from Ohio

Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.

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(585): View more from New York

Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(315): View more from New York

After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine

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(914): View more from New York

How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?

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(641): View more from Iowa

you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

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(914): View more from New York

She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?

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(989): View more from Michigan

Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

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(804): View more from Virginia

by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.

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(518): View more from New York

I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex

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(914): View more from New York

You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.

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(408): View more from California

She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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(530): View more from California

it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

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(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(914): View more from New York

We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt

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(941): View more from Florida

Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Dick in a box?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Mom said you looked used

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.

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(916): View more from California

I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay

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(478): View more from Georgia

You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable

(318): View more from Louisiana

You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.

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(646): View more from New York

Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(804): View more from Virginia

God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

He likes bondage and spanking and shit.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark

(1-678): View more from Georgia

...

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(913): View more from Kansas

So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on

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(408): View more from California

She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit

(1-408): View more from California

I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards

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(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what? who is this?

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(702): View more from Nevada

the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

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(319): View more from Iowa

Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(201): View more from New Jersey

what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.

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(949): View more from California

am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?

(415): View more from California

i thought you knew

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(847): View more from Illinois

If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think

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(360): View more from Washington

Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids

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(630): View more from Illinois

This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

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(214): View more from Texas

yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning

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(541): View more from Oregon

Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(305): View more from Florida

he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(818): View more from California

I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.

(805): View more from California

What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.

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