Texts From Last Night · MuffinW's Favorites

Sorry EmTeeDew hasn't picked any favorites yet.

MuffinW's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(574): View more from Indiana

she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to

Fav 9 1758 649
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!

Fav 8 1364 736
share tweet

(575): View more from New Mexico

Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.

Fav 6 1560 628
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.

Fav 5 2527 744
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.

Fav 2 791 649
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.

Fav 7 1101 531
share tweet

(925): View more from California

Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.

(1-925): View more from California

How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?

Fav 13 1621 624
share tweet

(440): View more from Ohio

WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS

(740): View more from Ohio

BECAUSE SCIENCE

Fav 9 1842 737
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us

Fav 3 1379 674
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!

Fav 4 974 611
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.

Fav 3 1253 623
share tweet

(816): View more from Missouri

First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.

(540): View more from Virginia

Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together

Fav 3 1282 675
share tweet

(301): View more from Maryland

I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.

(301): View more from Maryland

Oh god, what has my life become?

Fav 6 1060 664
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

Fav 14 3104 1059
share tweet

(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

Fav 2 1825 674
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

(905): View more from Ontario

Fuhga

(250): View more from British Columbia

Thank you.

Fav 3 1874 1031
share tweet
(818): View more from California

end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin

Fav 4 1508 695
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.

Fav 3 1124 695
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.

Fav 2 1002 637
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.

Fav 0 631 869
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

YES.

Fav 3 1642 672
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.

Fav 8 2030 714
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things

(1-443): View more from Maryland

Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.

Fav 2 630 1020
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners

Fav 4 1802 773
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.

Fav 0 1098 612
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.

Fav 4 1074 587
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

soon, soon....

(908): View more from New Jersey

I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....

Fav 4 1185 873
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

started my period, we have to try again next week

(1-770): View more from Georgia

if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint

Fav 11 1795 675
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.

Fav 4 1965 799
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.

Fav 9 1524 994
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.

Fav 3 1423 617
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.

Fav 7 1529 611
share tweet
(530): View more from California

It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.

Fav 0 1097 607
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Do you have paint?

(727): View more from Florida

Paint? I wish

(727): View more from Florida

OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Fav 2 1219 737
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.

Fav 8 2111 715
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.

Fav 10 1184 641
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!

Fav 5 1519 723
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name

Fav 2 1963 733
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise

Fav 8 1185 666
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.

Fav 4 757 926
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

Fav 10 1957 1158
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Cockoligist

(587): View more from Alberta

Yes, one may refer to me as that.

(587): View more from Alberta

I should make business cards.

Fav 8 1189 717
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Did you sleep with him again?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?

Fav 5 645 1209
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?

Fav 8 1489 656
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?

Fav 6 956 705
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others

Fav 4 1423 948
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.

Fav 9 2127 803
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Alive.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

So much puke

Fav 0 654 1170
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...

Fav 6 1200 641
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.

Fav 1 1746 630
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.

Fav 5 1609 595
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.

Fav 2 1609 622
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie

Fav 2 640 983
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

Fav 25 3195 934
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.

Fav 5 1196 726
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

our poor poor cab driver

Fav 7 1421 746
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore

Fav 9 1562 776
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point

Fav 7 1189 744
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.

Fav 1 1672 778
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.

(316): View more from Kansas

And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming

Fav 2 1237 677
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave

Fav 4 1303 980
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?

Fav 8 1427 652
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk

Fav 6 764 1095
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?

Fav 8 1537 705
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.

Fav 0 651 919
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.

Fav 4 1335 755
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.

Fav 4 1276 680
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor

Fav 4 1909 893
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.

Fav 5 592 1018
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight

Fav 5 2417 808
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.

Fav 1 999 639
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.

Fav 5 852 1340
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

Fav 6 1992 740
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.

Fav 6 1214 619
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster

Fav 7 1241 745
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.

Fav 4 703 1233
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

Fav 3 2120 736
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire

Fav 7 802 1368
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.

Fav 10 1595 835
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

Fav 9 1934 962
share tweet
(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

Fav 13 3671 969
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE

Fav 6 867 1040
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower

(1-281): View more from Texas

This could be the definition of living by yourself

Fav 2 1300 671
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off

Fav 2 1138 715
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"

(951): View more from California

That's just where I'm at in my life.

Fav 10 1980 1310
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour

Fav 12 2758 897
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

cocks speak louder than words, as they say

(914): View more from New York

Nobody says that.

Fav 8 2126 882
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?

Fav 6 1233 613
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.

Fav 4 1058 646
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

Fav 8 2863 744
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.

Fav 8 1177 936
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.

Fav 9 1717 824
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying

Fav 6 610 971
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..

Fav 3 997 698
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore

Fav 9 1329 786
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

Fav 10 2142 780
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.

Fav 8 1161 698
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.

Fav 11 720 1498
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.

Fav 3 1384 731
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm two sheets to the sexual wind

Fav 6 1375 833
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."

Fav 4 2220 901
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat

Fav 3 945 636
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

Fav 4 1872 916
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"

Fav 4 1515 908
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.

Fav 10 2284 807
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.

Fav 9 1831 1261
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.

Fav 4 1220 789
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.

Fav 4 1819 767
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.

Fav 1 732 1410
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it

Fav 5 1967 1221
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.

Fav 6 2442 1225
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53250 2387
share tweet
(916): View more from California

The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.

Fav 5 1353 926
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

Fav 12 3190 907
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more

Fav 3 1881 887
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

Fav 6 2243 976
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year

(604): View more from British Columbia

wow. THAT good huh

Fav 16 2203 794
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze

(713): View more from Texas

My liver has a boner

Fav 3 1719 843
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life

Fav 8 2884 911
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now

Fav 8 1253 840
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper

(205): View more from Alabama

Restraining order pending?

Fav 6 1592 820
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

Fav 16 1223 1846
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

Fav 6 1326 778
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.

Fav 4 1236 613
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room

Fav 5 1432 865
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.

Fav 13 2962 1018
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...

Fav 17 2591 889
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?

Fav 10 1692 902
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm romantic.

Fav 4 1836 799
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER

Fav 7 1587 764
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.

Fav 3 1248 791
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.

Fav 5 940 1253
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.

Fav 1 756 1202
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

It's a journey

(1-907): View more from Alaska

And the destination is his penis?

(907): View more from Alaska

Precisely.

Fav 2 1552 659
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting

Fav 10 1245 984
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive

Fav 3 1699 738
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable

Fav 8 2191 974
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How was the birthday sex?

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.

Fav 2 817 2407
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I want to own their dicks and all the attachments

Fav 1 1105 675
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.

Fav 12 1121 1283
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.

Fav 5 1749 770
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.

Fav 12 1407 780
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth

Fav 4 1224 683
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.

Fav 2 1815 788
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.

Fav 1 1240 759
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.

Fav 7 722 1220
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�

Fav 3 1001 642
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse

Fav 22 1414 2748
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends

Fav 11 848 1791
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired

Fav 5 1169 1938
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.

Fav 23 2006 921
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.

(502): View more from Kentucky

And if not?

(937): View more from Ohio

...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?

Fav 5 2139 815
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.

Fav 11 1801 788
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"

Fav 3 1406 718
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday

Fav 5 1420 770
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion

Fav 3 995 623
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo

Fav 4 1236 739
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck

Fav 6 2316 819
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.

Fav 8 1706 643
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.

Fav 3 868 1053
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.

Fav 1 1183 663
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.

Fav 3 2573 844
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.

Fav 1 1229 703
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.

Fav 2 1446 707
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then

Fav 1 969 595
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.

Fav 9 1135 2265
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.

Fav 2 1423 739
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

Fav 21 5271 1146
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it

Fav 14 1774 791
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it

Fav 5 1310 861
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"

Fav 9 1969 1079
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.

Fav 4 1456 1063
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice

Fav 11 1699 915
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.

Fav 1 1461 799
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.

Fav 1 1052 923
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I need to hump something and I know u understand.

Fav 3 1423 759
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

Fav 5 2890 860
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

Fav 12 2626 862
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.

Fav 5 1220 706
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago

Fav 12 992 1717
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back

Fav 6 1728 908
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.

Fav 0 1098 680
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.

Fav 16 1736 939
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.

Fav 7 1363 807
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.

Fav 8 2237 823
share tweet
(650): View more from California

You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?

Fav 4 1109 944
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.

Fav 6 818 1503
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you

(860): View more from Connecticut

I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.

Fav 5 1667 711
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.

Fav 4 1536 667
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today

Fav 5 1088 760
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?

Fav 4 1639 1251
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.

Fav 12 1478 1141
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.

Fav 2 2393 822
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.

Fav 7 1338 774
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.

(870): View more from Arkansas

Birthday success

Fav 4 1677 861
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.

Fav 6 1362 670
share tweet
(002): View more from

There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

Fav 8 2062 730
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.

Fav 1 1401 722
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best

Fav 6 1876 712
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.

Fav 5 846 933
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.

Fav 11 1400 634
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Male strippers are involved. You are coming

Fav 4 1253 594
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Now back to adults eating hotdogs.

Fav 3 936 725
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

All you need to know is that isn't jizz

Fav 3 740 1078
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.

Fav 3 2011 883
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a pro at the other 9-5

Fav 2 1400 639
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH

(360): View more from Washington

Yes

(253): View more from Washington

O.K.

Fav 4 1734 1219
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.

Fav 13 3756 1251
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.

Fav 10 1772 893
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.

Fav 5 1396 676
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

Fav 9 2831 1053
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

Fav 11 3385 889
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.

Fav 3 1312 808
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.

Fav 8 1761 803
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying

Fav 6 794 1498
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

You pretty much isn't said it

(404): View more from Georgia

Those words don't go together.

Fav 7 2661 1030
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.

Fav 19 1875 739
share tweet
(+97): View more from

Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.

Fav 8 1903 747
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I feel strange, like something is off with my body

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days

Fav 3 1896 806
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life

Fav 5 1536 693
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA

Fav 3 1348 747
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.

Fav 7 2240 1043
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.

Fav 9 1326 1027
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.

Fav 12 2488 772
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!

Fav 11 1597 848
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.

(1-765): View more from Indiana

And an everlasting friendship

Fav 8 2115 853
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.

Fav 8 2054 747
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.

Fav 5 2050 720
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

Fav 7 2281 1039
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game

Fav 13 2170 735
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Gym?

(801): View more from Utah

Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.

Fav 7 1724 1088
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.

Fav 9 2621 869
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.

Fav 6 2511 1106
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

Fav 17 1274 2285
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.

Fav 2 1622 639
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises

Fav 3 1130 706
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.

Fav 12 1957 788
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.

Fav 9 1569 903
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

Fav 14 4096 1008
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".

(415): View more from California

good luck with that

Fav 4 1141 1253
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.

Fav 5 1631 866
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

Fav 12 3282 1065
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

Fav 12 3496 884
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.

Fav 6 1442 952
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

Fav 10 3856 1024
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter

Fav 10 2462 851
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.

Fav 5 919 1181
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

Fav 22 4791 944
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you

Fav 9 1566 682
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING

Fav 8 1695 1002
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

Fav 10 2710 878
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety

Fav 5 1238 849
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

Fav 6 3641 1064
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?

(913): View more from Kansas

I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.

Fav 17 2729 1051
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

Fav 9 3055 778
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

Fav 19 3435 1034
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.

Fav 10 3189 999
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

Fav 10 3364 803
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

Fav 16 4236 922
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

Fav 19 3714 1033
share tweet
(075): View more from

thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.

Fav 13 1772 1016
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.

Fav 5 1304 1630
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?

Fav 6 1930 751
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

(315): View more from New York

I get naked cuz your not there

Fav 12 3179 1059
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

What changed your mind?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Being sober

Fav 3 1877 874
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina

Fav 7 2706 805
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

He was the one that got away. From my vagina.

Fav 8 1758 808
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.

Fav 14 2100 962
share tweet
(925): View more from California

It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.

Fav 5 1524 827
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?

Fav 3 1731 806
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.

Fav 5 1558 883
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.

Fav 7 2569 799
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."

Fav 5 2133 679
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.

Fav 8 1580 755
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.

Fav 6 1944 754
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?

Fav 7 1849 742
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.

Fav 5 2056 790
share tweet
(714): View more from California

What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.

Fav 7 1576 911
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

Fav 15 2936 781
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again

Fav 7 660 1531
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.

Fav 13 2220 862
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.

Fav 7 982 1331
share tweet
(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

Fav 12 2939 935
share tweet
(925): View more from California

What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party

Fav 3 1501 850
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.

Fav 3 1291 803
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

Fav 10 4400 1053
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!

Fav 12 1542 1030
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

Fav 11 3351 1127
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

Fav 7 3133 988
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain

Fav 6 1608 740
share tweet
(510): View more from California

yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him

Fav 2 1970 861
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution

Fav 3 1369 882
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.

Fav 2 1403 652
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.

Fav 6 1437 859
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.

Fav 5 3279 871
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.

Fav 6 2306 711
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.

Fav 11 1286 737
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

Fav 8 3404 880
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.

Fav 7 1881 1005
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.

Fav 11 1827 1010
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment

Fav 9 1587 935
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.

Fav 6 2306 1129
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Where the royal fuck are you??

(1-425): View more from Washington

The depths of vodka hell.

Fav 13 2514 1029
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.

Fav 4 1593 778
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

Fav 15 2207 946
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.

Fav 9 1625 837
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Last night was just one giant freudian slip.

(503): View more from Oregon

You made out with EVERYBODY.

(702): View more from Nevada

Can I just bleach my life?

Fav 3 1977 846
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.

Fav 7 2554 974
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

Fav 10 3934 1055
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...

Fav 3 1123 724
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts

Fav 2 1280 679
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

Fav 4 2176 957
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.

Fav 5 1661 985
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.

Fav 7 2263 856
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete

Fav 2 695 1070
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

Fav 14 2894 1208
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?

Fav 2 1646 832
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

Fav 6 3458 1256
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.

Fav 6 1973 751
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

Fav 6 1763 935
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I thought you were single?

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.

Fav 6 2121 997
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?

Fav 5 1178 720
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left

Fav 4 1291 756
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.

Fav 2 1618 789
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

Fav 9 4217 1126
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

Fav 3 2103 975
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.

Fav 16 3540 1059
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.

Fav 15 1102 2705
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.

Fav 3 1391 966
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.

Fav 5 2628 1045
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

DOWN HORMONES. BACK.

Fav 4 1780 828
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar

Fav 6 1518 742
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..

Fav 2 1406 834
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.

Fav 5 945 1629
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

Fav 5 2259 788
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

Fav 6 3862 1447
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

Fav 5 2156 981
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.

Fav 6 1047 1433
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?

Fav 9 2097 898
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

(+04): View more from

Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

Fav 9 2907 1138
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be naked everywhere

Fav 4 2135 1190
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?

Fav 31 1288 2003
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february

Fav 2 1476 876
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

Fav 17 2789 1017
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke

Fav 1 689 1492
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.

Fav 17 2056 822
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

Fav 8 2135 998
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

Fav 1 2324 985
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

Fav 10 2230 829
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

Fav 12 4141 1171
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"

Fav 8 1298 781
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS

Fav 15 2610 893
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart

Fav 6 1870 1528
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

Fav 7 2578 883
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots

(1-707): View more from California

You did like 8

Fav 6 3092 910
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH

Fav 9 2482 1020
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

Fav 9 2481 1091
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.

Fav 8 1662 1534
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out

Fav 5 2306 890
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.

Fav 21 2330 1318
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

At least you have booty calls.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china

Fav 7 1777 822
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.

Fav 6 2037 1412
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.

Fav 5 2868 854
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.

Fav 9 2210 946
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.

Fav 6 1040 1874
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.

Fav 13 2482 895
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

How was the rest of your night?

(917): View more from New York City

A little fuzzy and a lot naked.

Fav 7 2622 875
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Ecstasy should be its own food group.

Fav 5 1521 1060
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

How did you even find out?

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."

(973): View more from New Jersey

Oh.

Fav 9 2971 1449
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

You used the best tools you had at your disposal.

(651): View more from Minnesota

Slutty, slutty tools.

Fav 9 2204 839
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I can do at least one of those things.

Fav 2 2032 688
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Penises. Everywhere.

(772): View more from Florida

You're. Welcome.

Fav 5 2568 807
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.

Fav 8 2767 994
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.

Fav 4 2360 994
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction

Fav 4 1616 783
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick

Fav 3 1870 835
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.

Fav 8 2216 1041
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?

Fav 6 986 1985
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.

Fav 9 1058 2304
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.

Fav 13 3118 741
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...

Fav 10 2447 920
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone

Fav 10 1761 1260
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.

Fav 3 1954 980
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

Fav 11 3335 1060
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.

Fav 13 1806 971
share tweet
(949): View more from California

He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick

Fav 20 1941 988
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

Fav 20 8745 1452
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

Fav 13 3130 1317
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.

Fav 36 3006 1141
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

How was your weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.

Fav 4 3527 1032
share tweet
(626): View more from California

I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?

(949): View more from California

OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.

Fav 15 2283 1047
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?

Fav 19 2202 952
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

Fav 3 2273 1044
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.

Fav 3 1718 934
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good

Fav 16 2251 1188
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.

Fav 6 1760 849
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.

Fav 6 1702 823
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.

Fav 6 2964 1088
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

Fav 7 2937 1023
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.

Fav 6 2706 1018
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

Fav 7 4414 1109
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key

Fav 16 2223 905
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"

Fav 5 1486 1020
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.

Fav 2 2930 882
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

Fav 28 7700 1376
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy

Fav 14 2235 859
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.

Fav 11 990 2037
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.

Fav 3 1395 882
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it

Fav 8 1378 1002
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.

Fav 5 1388 2100
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

He likes bondage and spanking and shit.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.

Fav 9 3554 943
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.

Fav 12 2300 1043
share tweet
(831): View more from California

i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something

Fav 10 1918 1012
share tweet
(739): View more from

The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.

Fav 13 3648 909
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

Fav 4 2189 1002
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

she's gonna get diseases

Fav 7 1314 1704
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

you seemed to enjoy falling down hill

(540): View more from Virginia

wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint

Fav 4 1614 935
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.

Fav 19 3508 1402
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.

Fav 13 2191 1508
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

Fav 46 4540 2516
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same

Fav 3 2026 793
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.

Fav 10 2325 854
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

Fav 5 1972 1152
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.

Fav 8 2100 799
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"

Fav 7 2723 887
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from

Fav 12 2820 967
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking

Fav 4 2019 819
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...

Fav 19 3240 1086
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.

Fav 8 2195 1005
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.

Fav 11 2329 881
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.

Fav 7 1587 1137
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..

Fav 12 1561 929
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?

Fav 9 1769 1170
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats a chance were just gonna have to take

Fav 9 1974 1117
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I left it in that guy's dorm room.

Fav 4 1882 899
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

Fav 13 2713 1058
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.

Fav 16 1060 2236
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow

Fav 4 2121 863
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.

Fav 4 799 1394
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

Fav 11 3029 1451
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.

Fav 10 2057 876
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.

Fav 5 2023 864
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.

Fav 12 3220 962
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.

Fav 8 3351 875
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself

Fav 3 1492 904
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

Fav 17 4652 1299
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Fav 3 3667 943
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth

Fav 14 2911 1118
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.

Fav 4 3960 817
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.

Fav 6 2056 953
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible

Fav 4 1850 811
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

Fav 6 4259 1092
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

Fav 9 3457 1011
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.

Fav 5 2062 1013
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

Fav 9 2551 922
share tweet
(925): View more from California

She still cant shoot whiskey?

(925): View more from California

Im having serious doubts about this relationship

Fav 3 1486 956
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

Fav 23 4111 1008
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.

Fav 12 2274 1155
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams

Fav 4 2678 867
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.

Fav 7 2780 893
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement

Fav 22 3526 1048
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

Fav 4 4920 1496
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

Fav 9 3650 1319
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy

Fav 7 3385 1021
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.

Fav 3 855 1666
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.

Fav 20 1087 4159
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.

Fav 10 1944 944
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

Fav 12 4707 1079
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?

Fav 8 1682 912
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?

Fav 10 2160 933
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.

Fav 3 2312 918
share tweet
(626): View more from California

I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.

Fav 4 1899 900
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha

Fav 7 2815 1419
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.

Fav 4 1076 2008
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

Fav 4 2820 1037
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?

Fav 6 1070 2226
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

Fav 10 2594 1183
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

Fav 4 3155 1009
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories

Fav 6 2076 960
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

Fav 41 8711 1718
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

Fav 5 3950 992
share tweet
(619): View more from California

He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.

Fav 6 3321 898
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.

Fav 2 1794 916
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

(1-510): View more from California

Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

Fav 5 2817 1176
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

Fav 8 2632 987
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

Fav 9 2767 1033
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

Fav 13 3683 1073
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.

Fav 3 1772 892
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame

Fav 5 2144 786
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Youre getting too old for this

Fav 5 1745 922
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

Fav 5 3548 847
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing

Fav 6 1572 929
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.

Fav 7 3053 894
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

Fav 5 3283 1032
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

Fav 13 4131 1079
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

Fav 19 2646 1268
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.

Fav 7 1828 863
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.

Fav 2 2460 761
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.

Fav 2 2037 847
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour

Fav 4 1901 761
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.

Fav 9 1576 1188
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

Fav 13 2247 1355
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

Fav 13 3022 894
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Its gonna be a symphony of fucks

Fav 7 1964 897
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

Fav 20 2573 1311
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.

Fav 4 1029 1860
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

Fav 13 2880 1492
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?

Fav 4 2217 943
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

Fav 16 4006 1117
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.

Fav 7 2841 1186
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.

Fav 5 2577 941
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

Fav 9 3518 1061
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.

Fav 16 2789 1215
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer

Fav 4 955 1331
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

Fav 10 3329 957
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer

Fav 13 2067 1302
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

Fav 33 6799 1691
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

Fav 4 3401 1148
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

Fav 14 4779 1805
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.

Fav 4 890 1290
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

Fav 6 3211 1182
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Like Teddy Roosevelt

Fav 4 2273 1038
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.

Fav 3 2039 908
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now

Fav 10 2129 1028
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

Fav 12 4533 1798
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.

Fav 6 3044 1222
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

Fav 13 4309 1891
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.

Fav 12 3242 937
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.

Fav 11 2749 1117
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS

Fav 3 2694 1042
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I would never do this in real life. It's only college.

Fav 4 3081 1218
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

Fav 25 5986 1808
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered

Fav 6 3303 888
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who is this?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?

Fav 5 2871 1207
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.

Fav 12 2875 1410
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.

Fav 10 1283 1979
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

Fav 5 2930 1107
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention

Fav 6 1836 1043
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Blow your rape whistle

Fav 22 3332 1395
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.

Fav 9 2359 1849
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.

Fav 8 3314 1201
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.

Fav 11 3387 957
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

Fav 8 4252 1179
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(

Fav 13 1080 3353
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago

Fav 4 2233 938
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers

Fav 4 2744 1013
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.

Fav 12 2930 1259
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?

(912): View more from Georgia

Home?

Fav 2 2564 1139
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

Fav 25 6607 1709
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.

Fav 10 2319 1303
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.

Fav 22 1669 3615
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.

Fav 9 3625 1102
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

Fav 4 3346 1013
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone

Fav 3 2110 1161
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.

Fav 4 2620 1051
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.

Fav 8 994 1479
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us

Fav 12 2517 1081
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.

Fav 4 2022 976
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

Fav 20 3817 1302
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.

Fav 13 3165 1011
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.

Fav 8 2865 1622
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

Fav 7 2418 918
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

Fav 9 2998 1176
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

Fav 22 4817 1444
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

Fav 8 3119 1287
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.

Fav 2 2550 1086
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.

Fav 4 1160 2709
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

Fav 10 4697 1837
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

Fav 7 3306 1459
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Champagne is a vitamin, right?

Fav 4 2541 1278
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone

Fav 5 2147 1675
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

Fav 7 5307 1359
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

It's never too late to be topless.

Fav 11 3313 1243
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE

Fav 7 4129 1251
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Less talking, more tequila

Fav 8 2564 1002
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

Fav 10 3400 1279
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

Fav 16 3939 1702
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....

Fav 6 2616 837
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.

Fav 22 2781 1157
share tweet
(044): View more from

I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.

Fav 8 1926 1641
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

Fav 9 4241 1737
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We welcome drunken adversity.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

With open legs.

Fav 12 4056 1618
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.

Fav 10 3557 1708
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.

Fav 16 4404 1236
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

Fav 4 4007 1184
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?

Fav 9 2171 1146
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!

Fav 8 2685 1026
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

Fav 21 7669 1667
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.

Fav 8 3228 1457
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish

Fav 12 3196 994
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

Fav 13 3944 1728
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

Fav 17 4705 1457
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.

Fav 5 3302 1021
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

Fav 6 3659 1643
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

Fav 24 3454 1756
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

Fav 15 3436 996
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I have surprise drugs for everyone

Fav 11 3090 1197
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

Fav 19 4560 1318
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

Fav 10 5542 2070
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?

Fav 5 3227 1512
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.

Fav 12 2451 1269
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

Fav 19 4197 1789
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

Fav 7 3626 1172
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

Fav 12 4496 1232
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

Fav 25 5251 1531
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.

Fav 4 1612 3627
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

Fav 14 4083 1157
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

Fav 9 2373 1260
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

Fav 11 4083 1283
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.

Fav 5 2147 1073
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

Fav 6 2877 1629
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.

Fav 8 2123 1795
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

Fav 6 3750 1560
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?

Fav 7 2951 1362
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.

Fav 5 2005 1218
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

No that means he must've used the nipple clamps

Fav 4 2272 1416
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

Fav 11 1662 3040
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.

Fav 1 2680 1133
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

Fav 1 2826 1294
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

Fav 11 7278 1279
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing

Fav 6 3090 1130
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!

Fav 7 3804 1079
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

Fav 22 3505 1563
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.

Fav 12 4072 1327
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

Fav 13 4939 2917
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

Fav 14 5365 1912
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.

Fav 13 3859 1447
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

Fav 42 9849 1758
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.

Fav 5 2990 1189
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

Fav 21 8525 1265
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.

Fav 11 4935 2013
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.

Fav 16 3922 1308
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.

Fav 19 4378 1462
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.

Fav 15 4699 1537
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.

Fav 13 4567 1442
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The Swedes wanted a tensome.

Fav 19 5837 1313
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.

Fav 16 4092 1459
share tweet
(415): View more from California

was it good sex?

(510): View more from California

i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was

Fav 13 4462 1157
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

Fav 23 6015 2312
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

Fav 9 7030 1512
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?

Fav 19 4801 1495
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

Fav 14 5888 2493
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait

Fav 16 3115 1285
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

Fav 22 3705 1447
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.

Fav 8 5237 1089
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

Fav 19 4737 2230
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

Fav 18 7323 1288
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does

Fav 10 3304 972
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.

Fav 9 3349 1279
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.

Fav 28 2706 3242
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

Fav 3 5391 1210
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

Fav 12 2497 3151
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

Fav 6 5385 1808
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...

Fav 14 1439 3479
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

Fav 7 5143 1265
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

Fav 6 6631 1168
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

Fav 9 5078 1614
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice

Fav 16 5000 1702
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

Fav 23 8266 1671
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

Fav 4 3653 1250
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

Fav 23 4610 1982
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

Fav 11 7341 1516
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.

Fav 6 3289 1089
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

Fav 40 5322 1963
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

(224): View more from Illinois

story of my life.

Fav 15 2942 4480
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

Fav 25 5167 1515
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

Fav 11 5156 1379
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173888 44335
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

Fav 19 6820 1503
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them

Fav 12 3039 1698
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

Fav 12 5861 1606
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

Fav 60 3559 9004
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

Fav 11 1809 4666
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

Fav 77 6566 2359
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15474 2161
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

Fav 33 5854 2722
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

Fav 34 8629 1338
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10255 1637
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

Fav 11 4093 1739
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

Fav 17 9768 1649
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

Fav 27 7078 1590
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

Fav 29 6539 1495
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay

Fav 12 4436 1485
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.

Fav 33 2053 5387
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

Fav 37 9744 1576
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

Fav 22 15630 1740
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

Fav 32 7617 2569
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.

Fav 35 2968 4041
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

Fav 26 8583 1997
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

Fav 17 8417 2151
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

Fav 7 4420 1299
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

Fav 25 8200 1708
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

Fav 25 4155 1476
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

Fav 11 6629 1422
share tweet
(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

Fav 16 7359 1383
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

Fav 27 9142 1642
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

Fav 67 8632 2809
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88715 9690
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37317 1625
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

Fav 92 33673 2310
share tweet