Texts From Last Night · PhoenixGray's Favorites

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PhoenixGray's Favorites Texts:

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit

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(623): View more from Arizona

I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

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(410): View more from Maryland

I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

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(925): View more from California

It smells like ranch

(925): View more from California

Must be all the white people

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(912): View more from Georgia

I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

Fav 18 7693 1691
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(562): View more from California

I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(770): View more from Georgia

it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

Fav 19 5152 1652
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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

Fav 39 2228 5813
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(765): View more from Indiana

I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

Fav 19 5594 2123
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(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

Fav 38 7295 1536
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(250): View more from British Columbia

Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

Fav 24 7440 1896
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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex

Fav 17 6071 2099
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

Fav 81 7217 1684
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(734): View more from Michigan

Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(801): View more from Utah

He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(912): View more from Georgia

I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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(440): View more from Ohio

Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.

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(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(440): View more from Ohio

Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(360): View more from Washington

He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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(703): View more from Virginia

I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

Fav 33 6188 2011
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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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(850): View more from Florida

All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.

Fav 14 5610 1256
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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

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(816): View more from Missouri

I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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(626): View more from California

he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(602): View more from Arizona

Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...

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(847): View more from Illinois

i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.

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(719): View more from Colorado

just survived the first fart of the relationship.

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(914): View more from New York

you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.

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(478): View more from Georgia

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

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(416): View more from Ontario

I wanna be on tlc

(905): View more from Toronto

Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.

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(513): View more from Ohio

My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(316): View more from Kansas

toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.

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(903): View more from Texas

Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(585): View more from New York

i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW

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(815): View more from Illinois

If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(678): View more from Georgia

How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex

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(702): View more from Nevada

sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.

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(210): View more from Texas

I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

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(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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(206): View more from Washington

Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Which ones?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.

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(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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(316): View more from Kansas

Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair

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(817): View more from Texas

Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(917): View more from New York City

I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm scared

(337): View more from Louisiana

There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.

(972): View more from Texas

That's what I'm afraid of

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(818): View more from California

On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying

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(425): View more from Washington

the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them

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(925): View more from California

"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis

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(281): View more from Texas

Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

u sound so gay right now

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(443): View more from Maryland

Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls

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(480): View more from Arizona

They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Genius.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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(847): View more from Illinois

then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(905): View more from Ontario

My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.

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(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

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(330): View more from Ohio

Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(727): View more from Florida

Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all

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(631): View more from New York

there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm not a mortal combat character

(410): View more from Maryland

but my vagina is

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(205): View more from Alabama

i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

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(850): View more from Florida

OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.

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(714): View more from California

found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.

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(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

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(512): View more from Texas

its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.

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(503): View more from Oregon

when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

She does have a great personality.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

Yeah, in her vagina.

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(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

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(586): View more from Michigan

May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face

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(714): View more from California

He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I should injure you considerably.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

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(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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(406): View more from Montana

We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.

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(650): View more from California

my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

New invention idea: vibrating tampons

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

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(407): View more from Florida

It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm down.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(212): View more from New York

Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(845): View more from New York

my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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