Texts From Last Night · cjthethespian's Favorites

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(530): View more from California

I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.

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(641): View more from Iowa

If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.

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(512): View more from Texas

Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof

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(408): View more from California

We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.

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(909): View more from California

I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

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(714): View more from California

Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

A true beacon of hope in these dark times

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(248): View more from Michigan

You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection

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(505): View more from New Mexico

This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr

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(831): View more from California

I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.

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(716): View more from New York

i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.

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(562): View more from California

I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(614): View more from Ohio

I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.

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(559): View more from California

Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay

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(562): View more from California

Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.

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(714): View more from California

The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.

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(714): View more from California

He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(773): View more from Illinois

Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

We need more drag queens in our life I've decided

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(805): View more from California

how many dildos make it a "collection?"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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(903): View more from Texas

I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility

(910): View more from North Carolina

well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...

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(949): View more from California

I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.

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(417): View more from Missouri

My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

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(631): View more from New York

Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...

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(469): View more from Texas

You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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(315): View more from New York

If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

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(256): View more from Alabama

My hair reeks of homosexuality.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it

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(509): View more from Washington

first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.

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(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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(696): View more from

Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?

(451): View more from

Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes

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(845): View more from New York

Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.

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(512): View more from Texas

Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.

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(905): View more from Ontario

today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(714): View more from California

I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room

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(303): View more from Colorado

If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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(510): View more from California

This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

(925): View more from California

Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.

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(310): View more from California

Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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(512): View more from Texas

He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.

(713): View more from Texas

Yeah you should have just let that thought go.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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(417): View more from Missouri

It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

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(573): View more from Missouri

So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm hungry

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex

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(602): View more from Arizona

Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!

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(409): View more from Texas

It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.

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(785): View more from Kansas

The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?

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(310): View more from California

we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck

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(706): View more from Georgia

He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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(914): View more from New York

My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(917): View more from New York City

It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall

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(455): View more from

As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

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(941): View more from Florida

Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

walking out with herpes. that would be worse

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(562): View more from California

trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"

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(714): View more from California

im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

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(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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(315): View more from New York

i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor

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(203): View more from Connecticut

as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's gonna be a great weekend

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.

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(410): View more from Maryland

As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.

(443): View more from Maryland

im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(206): View more from Washington

If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

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(559): View more from California

We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(850): View more from Florida

paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

(647): View more from Ontario

well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

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(810): View more from Michigan

The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(917): View more from New York City

the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(916): View more from California

i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge

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(706): View more from Georgia

hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.

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(703): View more from Virginia

how do you have sooo much energy?

(571): View more from Virginia

billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(904): View more from Florida

the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(510): View more from California

note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.

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(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(317): View more from Indiana

What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?

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(314): View more from Missouri

i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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(845): View more from New York

no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(661): View more from California

I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.

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(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.

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(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.

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(214): View more from Texas

I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.

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(714): View more from California

so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

(1-714): View more from California

i'm so jealous of you right now.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(301): View more from Maryland

i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up

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(407): View more from Florida

He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.

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(818): View more from California

my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both

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(540): View more from Virginia

what do you have against ST

(1-540): View more from Virginia

DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

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(909): View more from California

College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference

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(613): View more from Ontario

the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.

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(903): View more from Texas

My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

ru fi oooo

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.

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(519): View more from Ontario

what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(021): View more from

Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(219): View more from Indiana

she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'

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(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana

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(801): View more from Utah

i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"

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(631): View more from New York

i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...

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(303): View more from Colorado

That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?

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(904): View more from Florida

the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(916): View more from California

And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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(251): View more from Alabama

i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once

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(248): View more from Michigan

I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.

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(940): View more from Texas

never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down

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(404): View more from Georgia

you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(650): View more from California

Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

How did people poop without Blackberrys?

(416): View more from Ontario

Motorola Razers?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Stone age, man.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

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(303): View more from Colorado

And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence

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(678): View more from Georgia

Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable

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(585): View more from New York

okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.

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(650): View more from California

I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral

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(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.

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(407): View more from Florida

i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem

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(760): View more from California

Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.

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(703): View more from Virginia

is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(607): View more from New York

i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(516): View more from New York

He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

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(434): View more from Virginia

KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.

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(334): View more from Alabama

They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.

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(916): View more from California

I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

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(805): View more from California

Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(954): View more from Florida

I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues

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(912): View more from Georgia

I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.

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(971): View more from Oregon

you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?

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(310): View more from California

Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.

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(480): View more from Arizona

the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No stitches, just platelets and will power

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