Texts From Last Night · heydory's Favorites

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heydory's Favorites Texts:

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(831): View more from California

I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺

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(805): View more from California

I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.

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(516): View more from New York

I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.

(985): View more from Louisiana

I feel like you're wasting time.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

That was super inconsiderate of me

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(303): View more from Colorado

Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.

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(253): View more from Washington

It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve

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(239): View more from Florida

Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.

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(310): View more from California

Who is naked dude in the kitchen?

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(917): View more from New York City

True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.

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(813): View more from Florida

It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain

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(765): View more from Indiana

If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement

(1-765): View more from Indiana

Yes, an arrangement called marriage

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(260): View more from Indiana

After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis

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(925): View more from California

She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.

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(813): View more from Florida

And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.

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(675): View more from

He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.

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(863): View more from Florida

ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.

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(703): View more from Virginia

hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book

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(517): View more from Michigan

He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!

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(770): View more from Georgia

Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.

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(925): View more from California

I hope this adventure ends at a hospital

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(502): View more from Kentucky

guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I am mentally ready for anal.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Come over.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

So, just how hungover are you?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Not at all, surprisingly.

(580): View more from Oklahoma

That has to be your X-Men power.

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(419): View more from Ohio

this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(740): View more from Ohio

my lips still taste like vagina

(1-740): View more from Ohio

so you liked breakfast?

(740): View more from Ohio

ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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(614): View more from Ohio

Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.

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(315): View more from New York

Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(813): View more from Florida

It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world

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(513): View more from Ohio

We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.

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(831): View more from California

I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You can wear anything you want

(704): View more from North Carolina

So... Naked it is then

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?

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(831): View more from California

Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?

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(541): View more from Oregon

my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster

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(207): View more from Maine

So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.

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(512): View more from Texas

They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels

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(239): View more from Florida

So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita

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(928): View more from Arizona

i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs

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(831): View more from California

dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Hey! you should come over!

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.

(319): View more from Iowa

I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.

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(765): View more from Indiana

You're a disaster

(765): View more from Indiana

Wanna date?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should slow down tonight...

(248): View more from Michigan

KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START

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(586): View more from Michigan

He corrected my spelling during sexting.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.

(573): View more from Missouri

ANTI-GAME

(636): View more from Missouri

I am so proud to call you my friend

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(716): View more from New York

OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING

(319): View more from Iowa

YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT

(716): View more from New York

I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT

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(831): View more from California

It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.

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(937): View more from Ohio

If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom

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(201): View more from New Jersey

nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done

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(512): View more from Texas

Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list

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(816): View more from Missouri

Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.

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(989): View more from Michigan

You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.

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(410): View more from Maryland

2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life

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(419): View more from Ohio

I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.

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(632): View more from

Cookies and nudity, all you need in life

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(415): View more from California

The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.

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(804): View more from Virginia

He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.

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(785): View more from Kansas

He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy

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(850): View more from Florida

I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.

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(817): View more from Texas

Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me

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(517): View more from Michigan

Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?

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(636): View more from Missouri

just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people

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(785): View more from Kansas

Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions

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(858): View more from California

My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Have you heard yourself have sex?

(320): View more from Minnesota

I'm not THAT loud...

(605): View more from South Dakota

My neighbors filed a noise complaint.

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(805): View more from California

Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.

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(620): View more from Kansas

yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.

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(331): View more from Illinois

The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I need to stop waking up with no pants on.

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

what happened this time

(504): View more from Louisiana

I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room

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(812): View more from Indiana

If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.

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(619): View more from California

I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.

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(315): View more from New York

I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh my god I need an adult

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Wait shit I am an adult

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.

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(863): View more from Florida

On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?

(1-863): View more from Florida

Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".

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(503): View more from Oregon

No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.

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(549): View more from

Just put me in your contacts as coyote

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

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(480): View more from Arizona

Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night

(302): View more from Delaware

which are?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

library sex.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?

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(703): View more from Virginia

the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake

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(640): View more from

I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven

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(616): View more from Michigan

My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.

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(705): View more from Ontario

so like

(705): View more from Ontario

i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone

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(315): View more from New York

I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.

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(716): View more from New York

I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.

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(510): View more from California

Are you drunk already?

(415): View more from California

Not already - at LAST.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.

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(907): View more from Alaska

immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon

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(989): View more from Michigan

I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.

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(817): View more from Texas

But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions

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(703): View more from Virginia

He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome

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(312): View more from Illinois

THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL

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(315): View more from New York

Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.

(1-315): View more from New York

That would explain the cannon.

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(586): View more from Michigan

He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.

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(512): View more from Texas

Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender

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(503): View more from Oregon

I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Fair enough

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(850): View more from Florida

His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises

Fav 2 95 11
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(701): View more from North Dakota

I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.

Fav 1 104 10
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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.

Fav 1 124 15
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(701): View more from North Dakota

I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.

Fav 2 114 13
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll just say I told you so at your funeral

Fav 0 62 10
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(701): View more from North Dakota

I've had more orgasms than showers this week.

Fav 3 135 12
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(614): View more from Ohio

I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.

Fav 1 140 25
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(425): View more from Washington

I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.

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(702): View more from Nevada

he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

fuck you

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo

Fav 1 74 11
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(315): View more from New York

Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.

Fav 0 85 16
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(903): View more from Texas

Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.

Fav 0 28 34
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(914): View more from New York

You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor

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(240): View more from Maryland

So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.

(301): View more from Maryland

Yes.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat

Fav 0 49 26
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate

Fav 4 36 128
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(425): View more from Washington

When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.

Fav 1 114 16
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(801): View more from Utah

It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants

Fav 1 86 15
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Fuck me I smell like cheese

Fav 4 24 52
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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy

Fav 1 65 28
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(860): View more from Connecticut

Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together

Fav 1 25 60
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(813): View more from Florida

Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.

Fav 3 115 20
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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"

Fav 1 24 37
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(815): View more from Illinois

I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.

Fav 0 84 7
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(765): View more from Indiana

I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.

Fav 0 80 7
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(740): View more from Ohio

I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session

Fav 1 36 17
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings

Fav 3 84 23
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(212): View more from New York

I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was

(347): View more from New York

U know ur prob on camera right?

Fav 4 100 18
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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21187 1943
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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

Fav 65 21689 2542
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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

Fav 28 21891 1633
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

Fav 182 22274 1460
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(240): View more from Maryland

Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

Fav 128 28429 2483
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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

Fav 101 31710 5405
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

Fav 62 31766 1918
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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

Fav 166 32933 2487
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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

Fav 100 39356 1773
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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

Fav 119 41648 2327
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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45583 2414
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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48826 2424
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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49310 2813
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(970): View more from Colorado

Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!

(1-970): View more from Colorado

She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!

Fav 2 66 19
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(314): View more from Missouri

I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.

Fav 2 36 51
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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy

Fav 1 60 11
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(951): View more from California

ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP

(1-951): View more from California

Have fun and good luck.

Fav 0 84 12
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos

Fav 1 54 12
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?

Fav 0 21 43
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.

Fav 1 80 13
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(703): View more from Virginia

As a home can we vote to stab Peter?

Fav 1 46 24
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(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Thanks, mom, will do

Fav 1 147 19
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(313): View more from Michigan

I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.

Fav 1 97 18
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(817): View more from Texas

I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.

Fav 3 49 49
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.

Fav 1 101 11
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(701): View more from North Dakota

Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.

Fav 0 61 11
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(406): View more from Montana

There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk

Fav 1 102 8
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(630): View more from Illinois

Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?

Fav 1 19 55
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter

Fav 2 66 31
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(501): View more from Arkansas

he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack

Fav 3 134 12
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(678): View more from Georgia

Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.

Fav 2 104 13
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(407): View more from Florida

i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.

Fav 1 51 19
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(812): View more from Indiana

UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING

Fav 2 66 15
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(507): View more from Minnesota

Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.

Fav 1 29 46
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(571): View more from Virginia

All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.

Fav 3 139 21
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(613): View more from Ontario

sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.

Fav 0 75 24
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(501): View more from Arkansas

I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs

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(518): View more from New York

Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.

Fav 2 56 19
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(269): View more from Michigan

Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

‪He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life‬

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(703): View more from Virginia

I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability

Fav 2 68 13
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(703): View more from Virginia

Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?

Fav 0 57 21
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(701): View more from North Dakota

God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups

Fav 0 111 20
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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.

Fav 1 92 14
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(701): View more from North Dakota

But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs

Fav 0 63 11
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(917): View more from New York City

Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early

Fav 1 56 17
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(718): View more from New York

We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...

Fav 0 55 10
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(720): View more from Colorado

After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.

Fav 0 72 9
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(720): View more from Colorado

The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake

Fav 1 71 16
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(417): View more from Missouri

TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Fav 1 48 20
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(701): View more from North Dakota

He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.

Fav 1 125 9
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(440): View more from Ohio

I would be down to associate sex w taco bell

Fav 2 29 21
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(206): View more from Washington

There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"

Fav 1 78 27
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(270): View more from Kentucky

ARE YOU OKAY?

(618): View more from Illinois

Physically? Yes. Morally? No.

Fav 0 119 30
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(801): View more from Utah

You grabbed my dick don't call me son

Fav 0 53 19
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(360): View more from Washington

I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.

Fav 0 73 20
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm afraid to ask, but go on.

Fav 1 90 18
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(702): View more from Nevada

listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision

Fav 3 81 18
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(701): View more from North Dakota

Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.

Fav 0 28 27
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(727): View more from Florida

Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃

Fav 2 30 75
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(206): View more from Washington

So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!

Fav 0 51 6
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(727): View more from Florida

I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun

(1-727): View more from Florida

he's literally satan but yeah probably

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.

Fav 1 80 17
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(586): View more from Michigan

You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?

Fav 1 97 12
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(516): View more from New York

He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.

Fav 1 125 14
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(416): View more from Toronto

No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.

Fav 0 112 12
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You're a hot mess, you know that?

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.

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(330): View more from Ohio

YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!

Fav 1 69 25
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(530): View more from California

You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?

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(512): View more from Texas

I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif

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(201): View more from New Jersey

...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.

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(939): View more from Puerto Rico

So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!

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(858): View more from California

- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT

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(541): View more from Oregon

At the bar in my pajamas again

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday

Fav 1 99 24
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(250): View more from British Columbia

My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"

Fav 0 68 37
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(510): View more from California

I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.

Fav 2 46 62
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again

Fav 3 60 23
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(701): View more from North Dakota

I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.

Fav 1 61 17
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends

Fav 2 84 22
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(425): View more from Washington

Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.

Fav 3 112 13
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(707): View more from California

I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!

Fav 1 88 21
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(856): View more from New Jersey

My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.

Fav 2 109 11
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(740): View more from Ohio

so he's a sleeptalker.

(614): View more from Ohio

yeah??

(740): View more from Ohio

"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.

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(512): View more from Texas

i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again

Fav 0 69 11
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(856): View more from New Jersey

i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream

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(551): View more from New Jersey

she's throwing knives it scares me

(551): View more from New Jersey

update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere

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(587): View more from Alberta

Sex while Star Warsing is the best

Fav 3 86 19
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(804): View more from Virginia

But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed

Fav 0 25 79
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(618): View more from Illinois

It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit

Fav 4 108 15
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(323): View more from California

I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.

Fav 3 65 15
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(501): View more from Arkansas

The fabulous human disaster: it is him

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We need to get me chipped asap

Fav 0 77 16
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(201): View more from New Jersey

Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works

(843): View more from South Carolina

Too late, I'm convinced it's broken

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(818): View more from California

His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.

Fav 2 130 19
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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.

Fav 6 68 61
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(310): View more from California

I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob

(310): View more from California

That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.

Fav 1 166 31
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(256): View more from Alabama

I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?

Fav 11 168 23
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(815): View more from Illinois

Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.

Fav 3 76 19
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf

Fav 5 20 110
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(860): View more from Connecticut

I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.

Fav 8 84 21
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(707): View more from California

We are horrible

(1-707): View more from California

Yeah but we're also awesome

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision

Fav 0 85 7
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(512): View more from Texas

He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered

Fav 2 111 21
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(813): View more from Florida

Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule

Fav 1 54 25
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(425): View more from Washington

I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.

Fav 1 122 14
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(501): View more from Arkansas

Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening

Fav 1 71 24
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...

Fav 2 76 24
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(910): View more from North Carolina

Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men

Fav 0 133 10
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(425): View more from Washington

I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.

Fav 1 66 11
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(217): View more from Illinois

Blame the bisexuality and move on?

Fav 0 62 10
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(954): View more from Florida

He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.

Fav 1 174 14
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Mischief managed.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?

Fav 1 113 7
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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for

Fav 2 87 3
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.

Fav 2 43 11
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(415): View more from California

lol hangovers are for mortals.

Fav 1 62 15
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(817): View more from Texas

New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.

Fav 3 212 15
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(605): View more from South Dakota

I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies

Fav 1 63 14
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(228): View more from Mississippi

STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS

Fav 1 76 14
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(304): View more from West Virginia

He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.

Fav 4 88 18
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(281): View more from Texas

I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult

Fav 0 79 16
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(501): View more from Arkansas

Pants are for mortals

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out

Fav 3 85 32
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(512): View more from Texas

Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?

(1-512): View more from Texas

yes

Fav 0 113 11
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(315): View more from New York

HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA

Fav 2 149 9
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(248): View more from Michigan

WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP

Fav 3 93 47
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(425): View more from Washington

The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....

Fav 1 25 46
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Does this mean I have to put a bra on now

Fav 3 58 35
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(817): View more from Texas

Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza

Fav 0 55 28
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(334): View more from Alabama

All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.

Fav 2 101 19
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(574): View more from Indiana

She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.

Fav 2 104 32
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me

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(651): View more from Minnesota

After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me

Fav 6 237 726
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(704): View more from North Carolina

I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.

Fav 1 373 192
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home

Fav 3 427 184
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(315): View more from New York

He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow

Fav 0 355 187
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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking

Fav 0 251 186
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(801): View more from Utah

But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.

Fav 1 245 168
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(865): View more from Tennessee

He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.

Fav 4 652 195
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(740): View more from Ohio

You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.

Fav 4 392 225
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(585): View more from New York

My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today

Fav 1 349 179
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager

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(702): View more from Nevada

But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy

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(289): View more from Ontario

I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is

Fav 0 341 237
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(360): View more from Washington

You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights

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(830): View more from Texas

Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.

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(217): View more from Illinois

According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout

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(512): View more from Texas

Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.

Fav 3 264 324
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.

Fav 1 311 250
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(918): View more from Oklahoma

If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it

Fav 1 285 225
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(904): View more from Florida

Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.

Fav 3 422 196
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(727): View more from Florida

You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.

Fav 2 410 186
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(239): View more from Florida

Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?

Fav 1 335 217
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(856): View more from New Jersey

He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad

Fav 2 372 230
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(906): View more from Michigan

Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.

Fav 1 376 198
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(423): View more from Tennessee

Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?

Fav 2 293 161
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(505): View more from New Mexico

Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?

Fav 0 348 185
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her

Fav 2 485 215
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(310): View more from California

I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?

Fav 1 430 255
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(808): View more from Hawaii

REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.

Fav 1 389 156
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(856): View more from New Jersey

I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!

Fav 2 281 169
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(417): View more from Missouri

I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.

Fav 1 573 209
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(669): View more from California

Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.

Fav 1 276 168
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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place

Fav 0 214 271
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(808): View more from Hawaii

It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.

Fav 2 287 280
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(813): View more from Florida

I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.

Fav 0 186 314
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(917): View more from New York City

When are your genitals available?

Fav 2 445 182
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(214): View more from Texas

Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick

Fav 1 367 169
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(972): View more from Texas

Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off

Fav 1 317 220
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(812): View more from Indiana

Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.

Fav 0 311 236
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(859): View more from Kentucky

Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.

Fav 4 344 271
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(316): View more from Kansas

Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter

Fav 3 304 167
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(443): View more from Maryland

sorry I blacked out our whole relationship

Fav 0 305 237
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(812): View more from Indiana

A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?

Fav 7 534 141
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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house

Fav 2 520 167
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(808): View more from Hawaii

Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?

Fav 1 586 173
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(763): View more from Minnesota

Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms

Fav 1 264 237
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(847): View more from Illinois

Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.

Fav 0 362 175
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(216): View more from Ohio

Those nachos came to me in a dream

Fav 0 283 151
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(708): View more from Illinois

And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it

Fav 0 393 169
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(928): View more from Arizona

I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.

Fav 5 176 896
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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.

Fav 1 392 228
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(201): View more from New Jersey

just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it

Fav 0 342 173
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"

Fav 1 252 304
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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..

Fav 3 381 122
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(847): View more from Illinois

This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.

Fav 2 578 238
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?

Fav 2 274 192
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(318): View more from Louisiana

He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.

(337): View more from Louisiana

I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.

Fav 1 461 256
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(801): View more from Utah

He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.

Fav 2 300 221
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(586): View more from Michigan

Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face

Fav 2 453 198
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(925): View more from California

We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"

Fav 0 599 228
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(216): View more from Ohio

Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid

Fav 2 266 331
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(630): View more from Illinois

I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

How long until you're healed?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.

Fav 4 252 350
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(760): View more from California

Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.

Fav 0 221 323
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(585): View more from New York

I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk

Fav 0 316 149
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(423): View more from Tennessee

I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.

Fav 2 347 161
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(980): View more from North Carolina

good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend

Fav 5 284 822
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(913): View more from Kansas

Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.

Fav 2 375 252
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(225): View more from Louisiana

You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting

Fav 1 572 183
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(615): View more from Tennessee

It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.

Fav 1 307 190
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(612): View more from Minnesota

Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.

Fav 2 272 291
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(404): View more from Georgia

Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference

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(248): View more from Michigan

Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.

Fav 1 229 327
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(917): View more from New York City

Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist

Fav 0 260 247
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(708): View more from Illinois

I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper

Fav 0 397 175
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(559): View more from California

Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.

Fav 2 356 223
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(805): View more from California

I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets

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(425): View more from Washington

Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.

Fav 6 258 363
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(734): View more from Michigan

His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?

Fav 2 430 169
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(386): View more from Florida

i now understand why vodka

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(207): View more from Maine

he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with

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(563): View more from Iowa

I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.

Fav 1 339 150
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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny

Fav 2 258 493
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(941): View more from Florida

I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.

Fav 5 676 214
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(307): View more from Wyoming

My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.

Fav 2 573 177
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(719): View more from Colorado

Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.

Fav 3 442 201
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(801): View more from Utah

The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator

Fav 3 202 282
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(618): View more from Illinois

He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be

Fav 3 350 185
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(386): View more from Florida

well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.

Fav 0 252 125
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(903): View more from Texas

Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone

Fav 3 148 249
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(727): View more from Florida

The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.

Fav 2 365 184
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(708): View more from Illinois

This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.

Fav 1 294 205
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(716): View more from New York

So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night

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(408): View more from California

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

(479): View more from Arkansas

MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT

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(252): View more from North Carolina

So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.

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(516): View more from New York

People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas

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(435): View more from Utah

The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.

Fav 0 372 138
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(631): View more from New York

I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.

Fav 5 481 126
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(575): View more from New Mexico

Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.

Fav 1 361 191
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(718): View more from New York

in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay

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(317): View more from Indiana

Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.

Fav 1 292 143
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(808): View more from Hawaii

she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.

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(646): View more from New York

also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever

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(+34): View more from Spain

30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.

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(541): View more from Oregon

We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.

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(562): View more from California

Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.

Fav 0 858 538
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(916): View more from California

Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.

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(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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(647): View more from Ontario

we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

She still started it.

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(647): View more from Ontario

She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.

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(801): View more from Utah

he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.

Fav 17 2111 3329
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too

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(815): View more from Illinois

i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."

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(772): View more from Florida

At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(409): View more from Texas

Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime

Fav 1 442 128
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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.

Fav 4 429 234
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(651): View more from Minnesota

Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?

Fav 2 513 200
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(260): View more from Indiana

Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.

Fav 1 420 192
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(707): View more from California

I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(281): View more from Texas

my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Best friends brother. Beat that.

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

accomplished twins. life is a go

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick

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(214): View more from Texas

I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(631): View more from New York

our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(928): View more from Arizona

she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

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(813): View more from Florida

If you die in college, do you die in real life?

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.

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(301): View more from Maryland

...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.

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(806): View more from Texas

Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.

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(210): View more from Texas

His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.

Fav 0 243 398
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(260): View more from Indiana

He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.

Fav 9 756 218
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(847): View more from Illinois

"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.

Fav 2 255 110
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(701): View more from North Dakota

I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"

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(224): View more from Illinois

how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish

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(817): View more from Texas

It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.

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(720): View more from Colorado

But truly, sorry about your empty vagina

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Thanks boo.

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(646): View more from New York

when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.

Fav 1 448 165
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(479): View more from Arkansas

You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!

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(727): View more from Florida

You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!

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(631): View more from New York

You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up

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(914): View more from New York

Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.

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(847): View more from Illinois

At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch

Fav 0 246 218
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(252): View more from North Carolina

You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?

Fav 0 299 195
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(847): View more from Illinois

my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.

Fav 1 215 339
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(518): View more from New York

It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me

Fav 1 232 521
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(303): View more from Colorado

DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN

Fav 0 204 293
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(864): View more from South Carolina

Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.

Fav 0 231 170
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(406): View more from Montana

I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.

Fav 6 308 135
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(503): View more from Oregon

I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon

Fav 2 536 168
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(718): View more from New York

Don't mention it

(718): View more from New York

Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn

Fav 2 368 140
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(425): View more from Washington

Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys

Fav 3 136 339
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(408): View more from California

Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.

Fav 4 348 322
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT

Fav 1 287 114
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(352): View more from Florida

I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.

Fav 2 227 326
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(860): View more from Connecticut

How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?

Fav 2 285 205
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(248): View more from Michigan

drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?

Fav 1 335 295
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(859): View more from Kentucky

Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.

Fav 4 328 318
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(504): View more from Louisiana

Who says no to sex and donuts?!

Fav 5 222 228
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(708): View more from Illinois

I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.

Fav 1 281 307
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(440): View more from Ohio

I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life

Fav 1 252 345
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(860): View more from Connecticut

oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.

Fav 2 290 168
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it

Fav 1 444 166
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(650): View more from California

Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.

Fav 0 444 121
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(909): View more from California

we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.

Fav 6 417 237
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(817): View more from Texas

Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?

Fav 6 483 165
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(513): View more from Ohio

I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.

Fav 1 218 264
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(703): View more from Virginia

Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed

Fav 0 413 197
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.

Fav 1 271 328
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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza

Fav 1 369 135
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(563): View more from Iowa

Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.

Fav 3 249 172
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(303): View more from Colorado

she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer

Fav 2 472 205
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(706): View more from Georgia

He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.

Fav 1 265 113
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(631): View more from New York

How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...

Fav 3 316 217
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?

Fav 4 322 183
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(518): View more from New York

CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS

Fav 0 233 258
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts

Fav 0 221 144
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy

Fav 0 374 195
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(647): View more from Ontario

Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.

Fav 0 262 190
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(509): View more from Washington

somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.

Fav 2 412 239
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.

Fav 0 392 188
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(612): View more from Minnesota

In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed

Fav 0 187 322
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.

Fav 2 324 209
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(609): View more from New Jersey

I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.

Fav 1 304 196
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(914): View more from New York

I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating

Fav 1 248 301
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(847): View more from Illinois

This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless

Fav 2 322 173
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(416): View more from Toronto

I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet

Fav 0 265 187
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(916): View more from California

Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?

Fav 2 322 230
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....

Fav 3 331 172
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(585): View more from New York

DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER

Fav 7 556 218
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(919): View more from North Carolina

So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.

(919): View more from North Carolina

Both questions will answer each other.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me

Fav 1 305 194
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(972): View more from Texas

I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick

Fav 7 330 272
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros

Fav 3 458 170
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.

Fav 3 458 194
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(860): View more from Connecticut

i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.

Fav 10 244 340
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(845): View more from New York

I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.

Fav 1 394 149
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(573): View more from Missouri

What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?

Fav 2 339 149
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(317): View more from Indiana

Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?

Fav 1 219 508
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(216): View more from Ohio

It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.

Fav 2 252 411
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(316): View more from Kansas

I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD

(316): View more from Kansas

I AM IN MILD DISTRESS

Fav 2 495 193
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(407): View more from Florida

We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.

Fav 0 378 177
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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.

Fav 0 312 343
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.

Fav 1 382 195
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(559): View more from California

You stopped loving me for a minute.

(248): View more from Michigan

You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.

Fav 0 203 248
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(409): View more from Texas

We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.

Fav 1 255 149
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(716): View more from New York

He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.

Fav 1 359 137
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(812): View more from Indiana

Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.

Fav 4 766 241
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(513): View more from Ohio

We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum

Fav 2 303 263
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(505): View more from New Mexico

Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.

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(208): View more from Idaho

He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.

Fav 1 390 348
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.

Fav 3 344 225
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(601): View more from Mississippi

I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.

Fav 0 371 172
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(540): View more from Virginia

I sense lesbianism

(703): View more from Virginia

That's a weird power

Fav 0 550 213
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.

Fav 2 2431 1247
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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

Fav 19 3639 1114
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

Fav 16 4381 1161
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(304): View more from West Virginia

i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.

Fav 22 4456 907
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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.

Fav 17 4427 1287
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I met the friendliest cop last night

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(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

Fav 13 4841 1204
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(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(415): View more from California

And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

Fav 17 5943 1652
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(630): View more from Illinois

You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

Fav 9 6132 1124
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(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

Fav 18 6150 1616
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

Fav 13 6334 1900
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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

Fav 18 6400 1763
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(804): View more from Virginia

just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos

Fav 14 6382 842
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

Fav 13 6572 1330
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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."

Fav 18 6578 987
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(515): View more from Iowa

Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"

Fav 28 6655 1412
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans

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(305): View more from Florida

And the cops told us we were all naked.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

Fav 8 7047 1084
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(859): View more from Kentucky

Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!

Fav 23 7168 1199
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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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(410): View more from Maryland

guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

Fav 37 8161 1827
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(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

Fav 9 8212 1270
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

Fav 31 8782 1218
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

Fav 17 9492 1645
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(208): View more from Idaho

i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good

Fav 1 505 422
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(708): View more from Illinois

I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.

Fav 1 392 317
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(337): View more from Louisiana

okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked

Fav 0 430 280
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(336): View more from North Carolina

So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.

Fav 3 563 468
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(908): View more from New Jersey

my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober

Fav 1 555 449
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(860): View more from Connecticut

If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.

Fav 2 473 288
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(707): View more from California

in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing

Fav 2 525 340
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(204): View more from Manitoba

Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave

Fav 1 532 319
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(250): View more from British Columbia

We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.

Fav 1 666 352
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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.

Fav 0 542 382
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(248): View more from Michigan

That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news

Fav 6 509 354
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(310): View more from California

Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.

Fav 2 683 388
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(847): View more from Illinois

I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test

Fav 2 484 281
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(619): View more from California

I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.

Fav 2 515 276
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(651): View more from Minnesota

They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal

Fav 3 566 352
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(641): View more from Iowa

I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that

Fav 2 581 328
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(609): View more from New Jersey

i need some magic done to my vagina

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(586): View more from Michigan

I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.

Fav 0 382 501
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.

Fav 0 886 325
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(330): View more from Ohio

Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"

Fav 1 449 337
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(530): View more from California

When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office

Fav 0 526 297
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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog

Fav 0 572 328
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(404): View more from Georgia

I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair

Fav 0 540 391
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(646): View more from New York

you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf

Fav 0 428 427
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(615): View more from Tennessee

When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick

Fav 0 848 393
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(775): View more from Nevada

I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.

Fav 2 629 331
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(858): View more from California

I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that

Fav 0 658 474
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(304): View more from West Virginia

i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."

Fav 2 306 553
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(613): View more from Ontario

he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.

Fav 1 553 394
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(203): View more from Connecticut

If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.

Fav 1 598 392
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(734): View more from Michigan

Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?

Fav 3 547 310
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(269): View more from Michigan

YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.

Fav 1 669 318
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(712): View more from Iowa

i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.

Fav 1 499 550
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night

Fav 1 466 316
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(515): View more from Iowa

Thanks for the bagel and the sex.

Fav 3 641 273
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(201): View more from New Jersey

He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.

Fav 1 851 385
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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.

Fav 3 512 331
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(678): View more from Georgia

you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs

Fav 0 356 552
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(516): View more from New York

My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.

Fav 1 482 363
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.

Fav 0 515 335
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(661): View more from California

Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.

Fav 9 637 431
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(651): View more from Minnesota

Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix

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(512): View more from Texas

You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it

Fav 0 554 327
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(248): View more from Michigan

Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?

(810): View more from Michigan

Yes. Highly encouraged though.

Fav 7 702 440
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(217): View more from Illinois

why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list

Fav 3 508 318
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...

Fav 0 547 342
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(802): View more from Vermont

Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"

Fav 0 482 308
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.

Fav 0 518 349
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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?

Fav 1 499 377
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(914): View more from New York

I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night

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(424): View more from California

i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.

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(407): View more from Florida

He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.

Fav 1 336 538
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.

Fav 2 606 292
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(613): View more from Ontario

Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?

Fav 3 711 410
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(470): View more from Georgia

You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.

Fav 0 601 326
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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.

(407): View more from Florida

Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.

Fav 7 636 312
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(613): View more from Ontario

do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?

Fav 3 574 414
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner

Fav 6 538 404
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(661): View more from California

GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!

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(858): View more from California

Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth

Fav 1 499 337
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(857): View more from Massachusetts

i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Eat your greens and take your tequila shots

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.

Fav 1 711 426
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(495): View more from

you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation

Fav 5 717 341
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(647): View more from Ontario

Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time

Fav 1 576 354
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(678): View more from Georgia

By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.

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(518): View more from New York

currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"

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(216): View more from Ohio

I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.

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(216): View more from Ohio

If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive

Fav 0 545 331
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(347): View more from New York

I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

How are you feeling?

(435): View more from Utah

I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..

Fav 11 487 772
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(908): View more from New Jersey

I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night

Fav 1 558 317
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(304): View more from West Virginia

This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.

Fav 3 663 326
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(219): View more from Indiana

Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope none of us try to run for public office one day

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(402): View more from Nebraska

but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?

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(503): View more from Oregon

The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?

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(949): View more from California

I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley

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(812): View more from Indiana

He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.

Fav 4 559 397
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(360): View more from Washington

Im part way to drunk.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"

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(409): View more from Texas

god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT

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(530): View more from California

You have more time for sex than anyone I know.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back

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(206): View more from Washington

I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps

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(518): View more from New York

If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.

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(714): View more from California

We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship

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(479): View more from Arkansas

And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again

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(505): View more from New Mexico

the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password

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(801): View more from Utah

LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE

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(316): View more from Kansas

I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen

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(479): View more from Arkansas

he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext

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(540): View more from Virginia

Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil

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(517): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober

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(641): View more from Iowa

They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch

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(785): View more from Kansas

You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He? As in you personified your dick?

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(530): View more from California

My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again

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(727): View more from Florida

Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am

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(317): View more from Indiana

He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad

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(325): View more from Texas

I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.

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(456): View more from

It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...

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(765): View more from Indiana

A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.

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(386): View more from Florida

only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad

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(971): View more from Oregon

In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night

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(647): View more from Ontario

Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback

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(903): View more from Texas

He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him

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(928): View more from Arizona

He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me

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(914): View more from New York

You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?

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(408): View more from California

she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her

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(989): View more from Michigan

I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.

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(518): View more from New York

He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out

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(561): View more from Florida

Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.

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(989): View more from Michigan

She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"

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(613): View more from Ontario

Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch

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(602): View more from Arizona

How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?

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(330): View more from Ohio

You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Jk probs not coming. Tequila

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"

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(516): View more from New York

As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.

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(630): View more from Illinois

What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.

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(619): View more from California

you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.

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(702): View more from Nevada

After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.

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(419): View more from Ohio

We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.

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(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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(949): View more from California

if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics

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(704): View more from North Carolina

How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.

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(682): View more from Texas

She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?

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(404): View more from Georgia

i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.

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(845): View more from New York

She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Lets just say I chased with a burrito.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.

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(858): View more from California

She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Odds of those being real?

(614): View more from Ohio

One in who gives a fuck

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

(813): View more from Florida

sounds like you understand them just fine

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective

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(563): View more from Iowa

I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?

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(512): View more from Texas

I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.

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(530): View more from California

you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed

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(530): View more from California

Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Waffles and pussy, what else is there?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Drank your wedding present. Sorry

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(860): View more from Connecticut

but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got

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(847): View more from Illinois

Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!

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(847): View more from Illinois

Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan

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(716): View more from New York

I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF

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(256): View more from Alabama

Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement

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(210): View more from Texas

Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing

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(478): View more from Georgia

His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(

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(302): View more from Delaware

so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.

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(309): View more from Illinois

SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED

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(720): View more from Colorado

Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone

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(585): View more from New York

There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.

Fav 1 433 337
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(708): View more from Illinois

Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first

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(630): View more from Illinois

He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.

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(519): View more from Ontario

A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!

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(320): View more from Minnesota

The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night

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(586): View more from Michigan

There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight

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(850): View more from Florida

You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.

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(510): View more from California

JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.

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(425): View more from Washington

For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.

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(904): View more from Florida

I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%

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(314): View more from Missouri

Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?

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(281): View more from Texas

I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.

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(516): View more from New York

If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried to put my heels in the coat check

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(212): View more from New York

Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015

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(614): View more from Ohio

I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend

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(770): View more from Georgia

One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far

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(302): View more from Delaware

For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.

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(714): View more from California

I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now

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(203): View more from Connecticut

This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here

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(513): View more from Ohio

You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone

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(360): View more from Washington

Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???

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(631): View more from New York

Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My ass is underappreciated

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(207): View more from Maine

He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried

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(804): View more from Virginia

I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok

Fav 2 532 351
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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be

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(512): View more from Texas

Come to this bar

(1-512): View more from Texas

But I'm full of food.

(512): View more from Texas

MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK

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(815): View more from Illinois

60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits

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(713): View more from Texas

2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo

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(240): View more from Maryland

I was totally pumped and so was my beard

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(216): View more from Ohio

That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer

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(301): View more from Maryland

There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself

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(404): View more from Georgia

you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.

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(626): View more from California

that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.

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(425): View more from Washington

my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market

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(734): View more from Michigan

Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.

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(305): View more from Florida

She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality

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(813): View more from Florida

She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.

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(813): View more from Florida

My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.

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(812): View more from Indiana

ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one

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(440): View more from Ohio

I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood

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(971): View more from Oregon

He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.

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(488): View more from

Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy

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(303): View more from Colorado

You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.

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(716): View more from New York

He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me

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(706): View more from Georgia

Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just feel like everything is too perfect

(774): View more from Massachusetts

He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Or both. Which is common

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(561): View more from Florida

No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner

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(586): View more from Michigan

if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.

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(650): View more from California

apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again

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(847): View more from Illinois

cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(619): View more from California

I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?

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(309): View more from Illinois

My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way

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(501): View more from Arkansas

if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

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(+27): View more from South Africa

She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink

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(812): View more from Indiana

and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out

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(864): View more from South Carolina

It's official drugs can't kill me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk

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(850): View more from Florida

if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?

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(252): View more from North Carolina

is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?

(513): View more from Ohio

um, yeah. i think it is.

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(480): View more from Arizona

...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.

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(310): View more from California

kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.

(1-310): View more from California

damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.

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(216): View more from Ohio

We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.

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(925): View more from California

Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early

(401): View more from Rhode Island

You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?

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(516): View more from New York

The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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(650): View more from California

Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it

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(706): View more from Georgia

Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Well thats $24,000 well spent.

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(540): View more from Virginia

we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here

(540): View more from Virginia

you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(815): View more from Illinois

$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.

(212): View more from New York

Please take video.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(708): View more from Illinois

his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.

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(516): View more from New York

Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.

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(310): View more from California

I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man

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(720): View more from Colorado

Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.

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(914): View more from New York

so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

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(310): View more from California

So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.

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(815): View more from Illinois

And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We were destined to go to rehab together

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(910): View more from North Carolina

All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...

(910): View more from North Carolina

It's inspiring.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.

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(518): View more from New York

i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina

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(443): View more from Maryland

Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.

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(212): View more from New York

what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.

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(305): View more from Florida

gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill

(970): View more from Colorado

did you ask her what wine to pair it with?

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(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

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(816): View more from Missouri

I hate your face

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...

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(313): View more from Michigan

hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work

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(313): View more from Michigan

i only hope i can top last weeks sext session

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(718): View more from New York

3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight

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(313): View more from Michigan

Already got asked if we're dating

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(313): View more from Michigan

Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that

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(248): View more from Michigan

are you still at the devil's house?

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(248): View more from Michigan

did you get engaged???

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(310): View more from California

The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever

(414): View more from Wisconsin

I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us

(608): View more from Wisconsin

you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(914): View more from New York

Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out

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(315): View more from New York

There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved

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(972): View more from Texas

I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened

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(404): View more from Georgia

Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.

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(323): View more from California

The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.

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(903): View more from Texas

Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test

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(281): View more from Texas

I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito

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(224): View more from Illinois

You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Is her dick bigger than yours?

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(518): View more from New York

I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw

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(434): View more from Virginia

Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I

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(713): View more from Texas

Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?

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(917): View more from New York City

You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks

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(207): View more from Maine

I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.

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(630): View more from Illinois

And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them

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(765): View more from Indiana

I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro

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(630): View more from Illinois

And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good

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(904): View more from Florida

Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP

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(231): View more from Michigan

BRING THE BAGELS

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(818): View more from California

I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.

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(240): View more from Maryland

If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?

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(404): View more from Georgia

That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you

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(706): View more from Georgia

We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.

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(716): View more from New York

Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays

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(586): View more from Michigan

And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one

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(303): View more from Colorado

He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him

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(253): View more from Washington

I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.

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(239): View more from Florida

I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe

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(828): View more from North Carolina

It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy

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(360): View more from Washington

He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?

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(406): View more from Montana

so much tequila, so little girl.

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(573): View more from Missouri

The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.

(252): View more from North Carolina

Psychosis secondary to sobriety???

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience

Fav 1 591 337
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(519): View more from Ontario

Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real

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(618): View more from Illinois

Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

pray to him

(203): View more from Connecticut

I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK

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(989): View more from Michigan

Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his

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(765): View more from Indiana

Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?

Fav 1 522 372
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(239): View more from Florida

If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.

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(916): View more from California

He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.

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(716): View more from New York

There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.

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(914): View more from New York

if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there

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(203): View more from Connecticut

and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down

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(231): View more from Michigan

Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.

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(631): View more from New York

Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?

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(229): View more from Georgia

What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"

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(631): View more from New York

being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Are you dead

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Yes

(260): View more from Indiana

Oh man

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.

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(585): View more from New York

my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.

(917): View more from New York City

can you adopt me?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Sobriety and mild self-respect

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(732): View more from New Jersey

because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why are we so great

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing

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(804): View more from Virginia

if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

(941): View more from Florida

better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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(269): View more from Michigan

I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.

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(253): View more from Washington

He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.

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(253): View more from Washington

You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.

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(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(561): View more from Florida

Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.

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(716): View more from New York

Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team

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(716): View more from New York

I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."

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(801): View more from Utah

I feel like I have a very capable uterus.

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(585): View more from New York

who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together

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(308): View more from Nebraska

No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here

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(509): View more from Washington

I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here

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(517): View more from Michigan

I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody

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(585): View more from New York

Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment

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(602): View more from Arizona

I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am one with the molecules

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(224): View more from Illinois

You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Marry her

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(210): View more from Texas

You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.

(662): View more from Mississippi

That's a beautiful sentiment.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me

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(928): View more from Arizona

I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down

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(207): View more from Maine

Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?

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(630): View more from Illinois

He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.

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(301): View more from Maryland

just got permission to expense a nerf gun

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(850): View more from Florida

I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot

Fav 0 321 534
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(716): View more from New York

I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.

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(515): View more from Iowa

But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.

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(850): View more from Florida

He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed

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(224): View more from Illinois

After this week, alcohol is mandatory.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes

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(647): View more from Ontario

I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover

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(937): View more from Ohio

I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?

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(909): View more from California

I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly

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(315): View more from New York

He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...

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(+49): View more from Germany

He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?

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(719): View more from Colorado

No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."

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(989): View more from Michigan

He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.

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(361): View more from Texas

You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.

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(753): View more from

WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT

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(509): View more from Washington

You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?

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(325): View more from Texas

Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.

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(647): View more from Ontario

All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.

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(360): View more from Washington

Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.

Fav 1 521 407
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(614): View more from Ohio

Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test

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(424): View more from California

Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?

(310): View more from California

"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."

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(616): View more from Michigan

You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook

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(510): View more from California

"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.

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(415): View more from California

His crazy is a thing to be cherished

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.

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(207): View more from Maine

I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's like fucking tetris in this bed

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?

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(949): View more from California

Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro

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(587): View more from Alberta

I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.

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(416): View more from Toronto

When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.

(201): View more from New Jersey

That is a dream.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.

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(540): View more from Virginia

THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.

(540): View more from Virginia

YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking

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(757): View more from Virginia

He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car

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(714): View more from California

I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home

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(586): View more from Michigan

It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world

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(559): View more from California

I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.

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(818): View more from California

Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.

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(514): View more from Quebec

So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.

Fav 1 472 337
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(205): View more from Alabama

So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?

Fav 2 878 385
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(720): View more from Colorado

I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.

Fav 5 439 642
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(618): View more from Illinois

Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?

Fav 2 759 331
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk

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(817): View more from Texas

I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.

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(904): View more from Florida

WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS

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(416): View more from Toronto

I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!

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(330): View more from Ohio

A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.

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(801): View more from Utah

We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.

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(714): View more from California

I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.

Fav 2 524 397
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(716): View more from New York

You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good

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(207): View more from Maine

We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records

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(307): View more from Wyoming

So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You'll pass into the great gay beyond

(734): View more from Michigan

Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic

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(661): View more from California

I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.

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(708): View more from Illinois

It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.

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(847): View more from Illinois

and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck

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(540): View more from Virginia

Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect

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(727): View more from Florida

If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH

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(281): View more from Texas

I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?

Fav 2 572 379
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(979): View more from Texas

I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.

Fav 5 935 410
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.

Fav 0 641 357
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(631): View more from New York

And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.

Fav 1 672 349
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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The struggles of a small town man whore

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(817): View more from Texas

We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.

Fav 1 657 355
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(606): View more from Kentucky

Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.

Fav 2 476 506
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(847): View more from Illinois

My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.

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(248): View more from Michigan

the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying

Fav 8 568 579
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(212): View more from New York

I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"

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(735): View more from

I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay

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(585): View more from New York

The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood

Fav 6 581 400
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(609): View more from New Jersey

He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.

Fav 4 415 709
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(512): View more from Texas

just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We can get drunk and battle coyotes

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(317): View more from Indiana

IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking

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(435): View more from Utah

I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.

Fav 3 522 386
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(518): View more from New York

ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens

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(859): View more from Kentucky

My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?

Fav 3 682 398
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(631): View more from New York

Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis

Fav 1 730 398
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(204): View more from Manitoba

There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"

Fav 4 417 655
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(765): View more from Indiana

you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there

Fav 2 391 478
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(518): View more from New York

I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP

Fav 2 666 558
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(339): View more from Massachusetts

this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call

Fav 1 380 521
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(919): View more from North Carolina

i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan

Fav 1 381 426
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(540): View more from Virginia

Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off

Fav 1 750 406
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(408): View more from California

Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree

Fav 3 342 540
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(860): View more from Connecticut

We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.

Fav 0 391 536
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(631): View more from New York

Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday

Fav 2 593 359
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing

Fav 3 406 562
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(760): View more from California

You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.

Fav 2 493 937
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(660): View more from Missouri

Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?

Fav 1 758 466
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(413): View more from Massachusetts

If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great

Fav 2 991 596
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(507): View more from Minnesota

I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.

Fav 2 508 766
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(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?

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(650): View more from California

FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.

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(269): View more from Michigan

You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed

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(207): View more from Maine

But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..

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(541): View more from Oregon

i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime

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(360): View more from Washington

I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose

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(919): View more from North Carolina

the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point

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(330): View more from Ohio

I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now

Fav 0 564 465
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(347): View more from New York

I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.

Fav 1 547 350
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My legs feel like baby dolphins

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(760): View more from California

He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.

Fav 0 719 486
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(206): View more from Washington

In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit

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(636): View more from Missouri

I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave

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(620): View more from Kansas

Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM

Fav 1 510 380
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(404): View more from Georgia

The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.

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(719): View more from Colorado

YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.

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(510): View more from California

My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?

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(1-517): View more from Michigan

So what did you do since you didn't go out?

(517): View more from Michigan

...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in

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(949): View more from California

He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.

Fav 0 470 592
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(949): View more from California

There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.

Fav 5 662 392
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(616): View more from Michigan

Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana

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(940): View more from Texas

It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"

Fav 4 586 436
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(518): View more from New York

But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?

Fav 3 646 493
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(630): View more from Illinois

Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.

Fav 5 605 440
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(708): View more from Illinois

She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.

Fav 2 663 396
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(661): View more from California

I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements

Fav 0 668 391
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(702): View more from Nevada

You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.

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(915): View more from Texas

No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.

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(714): View more from California

I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"

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(406): View more from Montana

I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me

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(+46): View more from Sweden

I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series

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(240): View more from Maryland

I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.

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(407): View more from Florida

My vagina is officially offended.

Fav 3 414 531
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(828): View more from North Carolina

SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW

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(+33): View more from France

if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?

Fav 1 562 317
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think I accidentally invented a religion.

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(706): View more from Georgia

She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween

Fav 1 531 314
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(904): View more from Florida

would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....

Fav 5 498 335
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(734): View more from Michigan

So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.

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(512): View more from Texas

We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"

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(775): View more from Nevada

You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe

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(440): View more from Ohio

At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family

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(806): View more from Texas

She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..

Fav 1 531 423
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(512): View more from Texas

My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.

Fav 3 467 561
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(714): View more from California

Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.

Fav 1 453 351
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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.

Fav 0 451 658
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(231): View more from Michigan

I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up

Fav 3 624 317
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.

Fav 6 555 393
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(304): View more from West Virginia

You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)

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(231): View more from Michigan

Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.

Fav 4 826 380
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(550): View more from

She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?

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(226): View more from Ontario

We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.

Fav 2 729 368
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(901): View more from Tennessee

I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.

Fav 1 512 398
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(607): View more from New York

In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.

Fav 2 435 848
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object

Fav 2 768 415
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.

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(607): View more from New York

oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.

Fav 0 529 352
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Come here I'm naked

(603): View more from New Hampshire

And I want mozzarella sticks

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(315): View more from New York

Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.

Fav 2 546 423
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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt

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(415): View more from California

You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?

Fav 3 574 373
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(301): View more from Maryland

I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.

Fav 1 392 602
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(813): View more from Florida

Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me

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(989): View more from Michigan

I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I can only rely on you and Taco Bell

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(440): View more from Ohio

Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.

Fav 7 767 406
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(770): View more from Georgia

just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.

Fav 0 544 415
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(714): View more from California

It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds

Fav 5 418 598
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(989): View more from Michigan

My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!

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(941): View more from Florida

she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum

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(773): View more from Illinois

We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

he sneezed into my face mid-kiss

(423): View more from Tennessee

Bless his heart

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.

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(716): View more from New York

I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital

Fav 31 1259 9205
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(727): View more from Florida

You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?

Fav 0 750 418
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

sidebar: i fucked your brother last night

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?

(727): View more from Florida

ME.

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.

Fav 0 516 412
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(860): View more from Connecticut

Like the friend zone has no room for winks

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(828): View more from North Carolina

As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess

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(716): View more from New York

I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.

Fav 5 415 1127
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him

Fav 2 617 375
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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.

Fav 1 935 422
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(216): View more from Ohio

We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying

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(519): View more from Ontario

You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason

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(276): View more from Virginia

my poor anus

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(740): View more from Ohio

See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there

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(256): View more from Alabama

Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"

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(419): View more from Ohio

please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation

Fav 6 605 483
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(304): View more from West Virginia

I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.

Fav 1 742 393
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(905): View more from Ontario

You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.

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(713): View more from Texas

Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??

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(420): View more from

I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?

Fav 7 736 437
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(416): View more from Toronto

new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties

Fav 3 956 464
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(940): View more from Texas

Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.

Fav 5 1244 510
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(320): View more from Minnesota

God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...

Fav 2 870 464
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(216): View more from Ohio

So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.

Fav 0 862 398
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(540): View more from Virginia

Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards

Fav 1 803 431
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(574): View more from Indiana

When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE

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(727): View more from Florida

I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.

Fav 2 1231 417
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(310): View more from California

He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then

Fav 3 715 634
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(386): View more from Florida

i think my cat just said my name.

Fav 3 916 468
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(989): View more from Michigan

If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.

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(518): View more from New York

i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself

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(416): View more from Toronto

You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.

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(785): View more from Kansas

The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.

Fav 3 425 560
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(515): View more from Iowa

Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"

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(317): View more from Indiana

I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.

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(785): View more from Kansas

The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now

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(419): View more from Ohio

Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams

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(785): View more from Kansas

Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.

Fav 1 753 448
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(805): View more from California

Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores

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(325): View more from Texas

I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.

Fav 3 958 483
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(305): View more from Florida

When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"

(407): View more from Florida

I was feeling the aftermath of his penis

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(217): View more from Illinois

I get a little bitchy. We all know that

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(303): View more from Colorado

My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina

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(408): View more from California

I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard

Fav 2 665 668
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(513): View more from Ohio

My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.

Fav 3 405 725
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(707): View more from California

fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night

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(206): View more from Washington

he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes

Fav 0 915 423
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(479): View more from Arkansas

I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.

Fav 1 715 537
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(913): View more from Kansas

Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting

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(937): View more from Ohio

Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?

Fav 3 614 369
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(612): View more from Minnesota

You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.

Fav 3 942 403
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(606): View more from Kentucky

So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with

Fav 1 492 693
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.

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(585): View more from New York

I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night

Fav 1 785 393
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(702): View more from Nevada

I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.

Fav 4 796 405
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(630): View more from Illinois

HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.

Fav 3 842 602
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(248): View more from Michigan

After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla

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(480): View more from Arizona

After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"

Fav 4 792 479
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(270): View more from Kentucky

Oh my god I found my bf's erotica

(270): View more from Kentucky

OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.

(270): View more from Kentucky

OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.

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(212): View more from New York

I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back

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(937): View more from Ohio

honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman

Fav 0 705 509
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(678): View more from Georgia

Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES

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(206): View more from Washington

He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.

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(510): View more from California

But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.

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(914): View more from New York

First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."

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(970): View more from Colorado

Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper

Fav 3 631 449
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(847): View more from Illinois

Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am

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(334): View more from Alabama

Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success

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(325): View more from Texas

I put a zucchini in my pussy for you

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool

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(801): View more from Utah

Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.

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(760): View more from California

People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework

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(443): View more from Maryland

Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting

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(251): View more from Alabama

And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell

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(734): View more from Michigan

who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...

Fav 1 850 367
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.

Fav 1 812 438
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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just want to make out with him forever

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.

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(585): View more from New York

PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?

Fav 3 474 760
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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs

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(647): View more from Ontario

We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works

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(613): View more from Ontario

When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos

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(618): View more from Illinois

There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit

(978): View more from Massachusetts

no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.

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(301): View more from Maryland

What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter

Fav 0 688 417
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(864): View more from South Carolina

Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.

(931): View more from Tennessee

Rodger that.

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(416): View more from Toronto

In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.

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(707): View more from California

I woke up with your vibrator in my face

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(972): View more from Texas

If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform

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(574): View more from Indiana

Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.

Fav 2 415 623
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(310): View more from California

Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.

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(847): View more from Illinois

well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going

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(904): View more from Florida

I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.

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(757): View more from Virginia

ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."

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(574): View more from Indiana

Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world

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(416): View more from Toronto

As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.

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(647): View more from Ontario

All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.

Fav 3 827 434
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(203): View more from Connecticut

No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.

Fav 2 667 483
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(407): View more from Florida

No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(

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(727): View more from Florida

man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT

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(703): View more from Virginia

YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS

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(802): View more from Vermont

He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack

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(914): View more from New York

this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.

(845): View more from New York

you are a goddess

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(518): View more from New York

I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter

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(740): View more from Ohio

At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."

(414): View more from Wisconsin

That's literally the perfect eulogy

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering

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(540): View more from Virginia

I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"

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(845): View more from New York

There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!

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(813): View more from Florida

I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.

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(936): View more from Texas

You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific

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(212): View more from New York

We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?

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(425): View more from Washington

Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.

(425): View more from Washington

Sleeping with just one person sucks

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(209): View more from California

Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force

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(731): View more from Tennessee

The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.

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(371): View more from

My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?

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(804): View more from Virginia

My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.

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(903): View more from Texas

I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia

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(315): View more from New York

I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning

(651): View more from Minnesota

you win. again.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?

(651): View more from Minnesota

its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me

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(772): View more from Florida

22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days

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(317): View more from Indiana

He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??

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(772): View more from Florida

She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?

(845): View more from New York

Hahah good point

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(773): View more from Illinois

I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober

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(773): View more from Illinois

im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me

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(415): View more from California

Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator

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(884): View more from

My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second

(212): View more from New York

Hashtag Pathetic

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way

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(718): View more from New York

DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho

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(710): View more from

my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am

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(707): View more from California

I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes

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(251): View more from Alabama

I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

It was totally the lead singer.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen

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(646): View more from New York

Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES

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(509): View more from Washington

well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

nobody was home so I boiled the dildo

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(903): View more from Texas

All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.

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(571): View more from Virginia

It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.

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(253): View more from Washington

Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...

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(647): View more from Ontario

HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE

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(914): View more from New York

I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.

(1914): View more from

You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.

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(310): View more from California

Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party

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(707): View more from California

It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"

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(386): View more from Florida

And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.

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(520): View more from Arizona

No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.

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(618): View more from Illinois

If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??

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(914): View more from New York

nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life

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(646): View more from New York

Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas

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(702): View more from Nevada

I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like

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(313): View more from Michigan

Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?

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(571): View more from Virginia

I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.

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(941): View more from Florida

She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"

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(571): View more from Virginia

We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out

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(256): View more from Alabama

I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I've been vomiting all day.

(248): View more from Michigan

All day? It's 10am.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!

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(216): View more from Ohio

if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!

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(347): View more from New York

Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol

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(914): View more from New York

it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"

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(309): View more from Illinois

I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.

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(858): View more from California

Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"

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(577): View more from

I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle

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(714): View more from California

I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"

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(941): View more from Florida

i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot

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(225): View more from Louisiana

All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.

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(714): View more from California

I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok

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(330): View more from Ohio

I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.

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(917): View more from New York City

Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.

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(712): View more from Iowa

WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT

(1-712): View more from Iowa

PLEASE DON'T

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(310): View more from California

I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night

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(330): View more from Ohio

If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.

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(928): View more from Arizona

HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD

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(425): View more from Washington

with great strapon comes great responsibility.

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(347): View more from New York

You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you

(718): View more from New York

yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.

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(813): View more from Florida

Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.

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(858): View more from California

They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while

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(315): View more from New York

Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.

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(818): View more from California

Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.

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(773): View more from Illinois

she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...

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(989): View more from Michigan

I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.

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(317): View more from Indiana

No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.

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(585): View more from New York

I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude

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(214): View more from Texas

She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.

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(953): View more from

Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed

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(804): View more from Virginia

Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.

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(313): View more from Michigan

This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."

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(440): View more from Ohio

When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.

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(323): View more from California

The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was

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(310): View more from California

My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.

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(323): View more from California

All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole

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(707): View more from California

He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.

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(619): View more from California

I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics

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(804): View more from Virginia

In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.

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(585): View more from New York

She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.

(585): View more from New York

Probably not gonna date her.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit

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(323): View more from California

Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk

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(443): View more from Maryland

Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

who is the naked dude on the coffee table

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude

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(773): View more from Illinois

well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start

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(541): View more from Oregon

How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..

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(657): View more from California

Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot

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(703): View more from Virginia

Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"

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(925): View more from California

...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.

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(509): View more from Washington

Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS

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(505): View more from New Mexico

SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD

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(208): View more from Idaho

Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.

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(760): View more from California

Mom just told me I need to start having sex.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

You really know how to show Monday who's boss.

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(512): View more from Texas

This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.

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(302): View more from Delaware

You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."

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(407): View more from Florida

Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Brb crying the tears of my youth

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(513): View more from Ohio

Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.

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(607): View more from New York

with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.

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(585): View more from New York

You turn 21 at midnight!

(1-585): View more from New York

This is better than being born!!

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(317): View more from Indiana

When your hungover saltines taste like hope...

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(434): View more from Virginia

Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley

(502): View more from Kentucky

C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...

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(941): View more from Florida

He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.

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(518): View more from New York

How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You brought string cheese to the strip club

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(409): View more from Texas

It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.

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(941): View more from Florida

What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.

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(671): View more from Guam

I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same

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(765): View more from Indiana

If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely

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(954): View more from Florida

"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Holy sore nipples Batman

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras

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(541): View more from Oregon

Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy

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(514): View more from Quebec

If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.

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(813): View more from Florida

coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?

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(415): View more from California

While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I plan on blacking out and milking a cow

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian

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(317): View more from Indiana

Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.

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(281): View more from Texas

This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants

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(970): View more from Colorado

I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.

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(407): View more from Florida

My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.

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(208): View more from Idaho

We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call

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(712): View more from Iowa

My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.

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(728): View more from

and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'

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(281): View more from Texas

You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

You have a 50 50 chance

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life

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(510): View more from California

Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So how'd the job interview go?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.

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(317): View more from Indiana

That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.

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(951): View more from California

My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?

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(206): View more from Washington

you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why is your ex naked in my apartment?

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(585): View more from New York

I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.

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(847): View more from Illinois

There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour

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(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain

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(509): View more from Washington

In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.

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(214): View more from Texas

In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision

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(315): View more from New York

He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.

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(305): View more from Florida

Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.

(303): View more from Colorado

Flo's in town, ain't she.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places

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(937): View more from Ohio

Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji

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(612): View more from Minnesota

This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.

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(850): View more from Florida

Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup

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(319): View more from Iowa

How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?

(720): View more from Colorado

I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

That was so not worth putting pants on for.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis

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(248): View more from Michigan

Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied

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(925): View more from California

Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then

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(313): View more from Michigan

doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check

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(563): View more from Iowa

Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!

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(+61): View more from Australia

Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.

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(727): View more from Florida

all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was

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(206): View more from Washington

Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?

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(210): View more from Texas

If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet

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(727): View more from Florida

Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.

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(812): View more from Indiana

We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.

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(513): View more from Ohio

It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."

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(631): View more from New York

Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed

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(720): View more from Colorado

Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.

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(989): View more from Michigan

The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.

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(845): View more from New York

You jumped into so many bushes for no reason

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(812): View more from Indiana

You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans

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(917): View more from New York City

At a point I was just cumming dust last night

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.

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(707): View more from California

You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.

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(917): View more from New York City

Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list

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(916): View more from California

All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.

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(561): View more from Florida

We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?

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(707): View more from California

We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me

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(512): View more from Texas

I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.

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(678): View more from Georgia

If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.

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(416): View more from Toronto

5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt

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(410): View more from Maryland

Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk

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(315): View more from New York

We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday

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(801): View more from Utah

And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's

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(816): View more from Missouri

That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.

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(214): View more from Texas

So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.

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(360): View more from Washington

Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?

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(540): View more from Virginia

This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.

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(302): View more from Delaware

you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."

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(410): View more from Maryland

If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken

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(440): View more from Ohio

You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.

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(360): View more from Washington

No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!

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(914): View more from New York

I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock

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(409): View more from Texas

We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans

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(216): View more from Ohio

You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.

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(516): View more from New York

I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday

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(316): View more from Kansas

I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.

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(425): View more from Washington

Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!

(425): View more from Washington

Just 2. But still.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation

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(313): View more from Michigan

If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this

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(804): View more from Virginia

You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...

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(706): View more from Georgia

Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.

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(903): View more from Texas

is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?

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(317): View more from Indiana

i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage

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(815): View more from Illinois

I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.

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(818): View more from California

You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt's offering to breast feed it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?

(480): View more from Arizona

I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.

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(323): View more from California

Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?

(1-323): View more from California

Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.

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(817): View more from Texas

When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.

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(765): View more from Indiana

My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling

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(850): View more from Florida

Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"

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(661): View more from California

You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.

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(775): View more from Nevada

The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.

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(951): View more from California

Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick

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(970): View more from Colorado

My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation

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(206): View more from Washington

Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option

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(716): View more from New York

Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila

(716): View more from New York

Step 4: your drunk

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(336): View more from North Carolina

DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.

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(702): View more from Nevada

This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag

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(305): View more from Florida

I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, I found your gauge.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.

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(716): View more from New York

Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.

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(240): View more from Maryland

You said dick pics aren't attractive

(301): View more from Maryland

Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Atleast he is letting you know he will be late

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(651): View more from Minnesota

these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"

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(618): View more from Illinois

My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow

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(256): View more from Alabama

I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen

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(407): View more from Florida

so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.

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(619): View more from California

So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...

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(954): View more from Florida

Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.

(954): View more from Florida

I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?

(1-954): View more from Florida

A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!

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(985): View more from Louisiana

How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.

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(406): View more from Montana

Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.

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(510): View more from California

Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

The apocalypse has arrived.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.

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(425): View more from Washington

1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

the essentials, lol

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(253): View more from Washington

T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.

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(443): View more from Maryland

SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(212): View more from New York

Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma

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(802): View more from Vermont

This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...

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(415): View more from California

If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will

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(330): View more from Ohio

Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven

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(425): View more from Washington

Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.

(253): View more from Washington

You're lovely.

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(727): View more from Florida

You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.

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(408): View more from California

Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.

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(626): View more from California

Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.

(1-626): View more from California

I see you met someone special

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.

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(954): View more from Florida

In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.

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(512): View more from Texas

If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.

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(720): View more from Colorado

How did work go after you told them you were in jail?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Great they tried to bail me out.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."

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(315): View more from New York

He tried to tip me with his police badge...

(1-315): View more from New York

and you didn't accept WHY?!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Happy you have kids and I don't day!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"

(425): View more from Washington

You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk

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(914): View more from New York

So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED

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(806): View more from Texas

Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.

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(703): View more from Virginia

YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.

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(727): View more from Florida

We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.

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(386): View more from Florida

I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks

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(727): View more from Florida

She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..

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(831): View more from California

Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on

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(907): View more from Alaska

You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.

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