Texts From Last Night · kira1889's Favorites

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kira1889's Favorites Texts:

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(423): View more from Tennessee

His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?

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(586): View more from Michigan

plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you

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(956): View more from Texas

found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.

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(718): View more from New York

He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........

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(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest

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(302): View more from Delaware

I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night

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(810): View more from Michigan

I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.

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(619): View more from California

i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,

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(480): View more from Arizona

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.

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(310): View more from California

he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.

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(330): View more from Ohio

come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

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(302): View more from Delaware

She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.

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(415): View more from California

You kept trying to hail an ambulance

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(559): View more from California

I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

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(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.

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(210): View more from Texas

Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.

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(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

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(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!

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(845): View more from New York

i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day

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(765): View more from Indiana

Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.

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(815): View more from Illinois

just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.

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(347): View more from New York

Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"

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(314): View more from Missouri

the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday

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(614): View more from Ohio

every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.

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(713): View more from Texas

I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween

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(708): View more from Illinois

i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life

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(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(713): View more from Texas

I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(915): View more from Texas

I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.

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(432): View more from Texas

the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(408): View more from California

his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out

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(647): View more from Ontario

She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.

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(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(386): View more from Florida

Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table

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(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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(612): View more from Minnesota

These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(571): View more from Virginia

I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.

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(954): View more from Florida

8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.

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(360): View more from Washington

Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day

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(206): View more from Washington

How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

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(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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(916): View more from California

It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it

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(614): View more from Ohio

I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

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(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

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(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

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(224): View more from Illinois

Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(330): View more from Ohio

After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

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(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(907): View more from Alaska

everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.

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(518): View more from New York

I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him

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(732): View more from New Jersey

four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy

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(303): View more from Colorado

so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober

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(214): View more from Texas

Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.

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(386): View more from Florida

Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

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(510): View more from California

Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society

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(815): View more from Illinois

Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(229): View more from Georgia

You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.

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(315): View more from New York

We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(813): View more from Florida

It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me

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(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

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(904): View more from Florida

He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(253): View more from Washington

So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas

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(917): View more from New York City

They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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(478): View more from Georgia

There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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(310): View more from California

His dick was poking my bladder. That big...

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(914): View more from New York

i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(305): View more from Florida

look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(785): View more from Kansas

So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?

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(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(906): View more from Michigan

If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?

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(618): View more from Illinois

You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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(972): View more from Texas

My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl

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(417): View more from Missouri

He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(647): View more from Ontario

We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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(613): View more from Ontario

Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account

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(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

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(806): View more from Texas

What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.

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(352): View more from Florida

Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(813): View more from Florida

Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.

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(972): View more from Texas

It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again

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(207): View more from Maine

Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....

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(702): View more from Nevada

facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(203): View more from Connecticut

And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out

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(513): View more from Ohio

He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

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(802): View more from Vermont

hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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(813): View more from Florida

were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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(518): View more from New York

he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(540): View more from Virginia

3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently

(540): View more from Virginia

and skipped dinner

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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(561): View more from Florida

Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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(313): View more from Michigan

while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(206): View more from Washington

Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

(571): View more from Virginia

Fuck you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(469): View more from Texas

I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(510): View more from California

I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college

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(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition

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(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class

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(516): View more from New York

I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I hate bills.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Like ones you have to pay or people named William?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(925): View more from California

Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

(1-925): View more from California

Yes. Yes it is.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked

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(860): View more from Connecticut

so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized

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(281): View more from Texas

I just know... :) goodntight

(1-281): View more from Texas

Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.

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(206): View more from Washington

He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(256): View more from Alabama

Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

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(207): View more from Maine

they said they heard you say put it in my butt

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