Texts From Last Night · kjkb508's Favorites

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is

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(703): View more from Virginia

So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this

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(208): View more from Idaho

Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life

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(630): View more from Illinois

How much did you drink?

(708): View more from Illinois

Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea

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(301): View more from Maryland

Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

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(641): View more from Iowa

But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"

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(205): View more from Alabama

I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months

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(760): View more from California

just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?

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(847): View more from Illinois

there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..

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(559): View more from California

No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.

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(406): View more from Montana

I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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(567): View more from Ohio

I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.

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(941): View more from Florida

I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius

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(845): View more from New York

I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I have a broken liver

(1-575): View more from New Mexico

I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately

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(951): View more from California

Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.

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(415): View more from California

The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

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(631): View more from New York

We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.

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(407): View more from Florida

Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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(509): View more from Washington

no you're not allowed back

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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(320): View more from Minnesota

It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

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(813): View more from Florida

You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.

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(509): View more from Washington

Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.

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(713): View more from Texas

We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity

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(720): View more from Colorado

My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.

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(419): View more from Ohio

That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

next time we drink: battle shots.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts

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(925): View more from California

I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(972): View more from Texas

Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.

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(520): View more from Arizona

One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.

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(925): View more from California

Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities

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(219): View more from Indiana

The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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(+61): View more from Australia

we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance

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(703): View more from Virginia

you seemed to enjoy falling down hill

(540): View more from Virginia

wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(817): View more from Texas

she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable

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(310): View more from California

we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.

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(916): View more from California

You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

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(253): View more from Washington

at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?

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(214): View more from Texas

I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.

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(720): View more from Colorado

As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.

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(219): View more from Indiana

How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

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(334): View more from Alabama

all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days

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(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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(817): View more from Texas

It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.

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(619): View more from California

You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(817): View more from Texas

I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.

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(904): View more from Florida

You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(914): View more from New York

Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes

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(925): View more from California

Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?

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(408): View more from California

You make shower sex sound like waterboarding

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(908): View more from New Jersey

As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

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(858): View more from California

I'll start drinking again when I know where I am

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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(845): View more from New York

I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Is there a law against that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling

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(845): View more from New York

I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try

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(501): View more from Arkansas

There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

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(303): View more from Colorado

How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.

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(805): View more from California

How much is that going to cost?

(1-805): View more from California

A lot of beer.

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(801): View more from Utah

Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college

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(517): View more from Michigan

This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(574): View more from Indiana

should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

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(360): View more from Washington

Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I think winning the long island race means you lose at life

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that

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(757): View more from Virginia

She fuckin peed on me

(817): View more from Texas

Stay golden ponyboy

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(858): View more from California

Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.

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(678): View more from Georgia

God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.

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(917): View more from New York City

I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins

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(407): View more from Florida

If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Speaking is such a hard concept right now

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(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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(416): View more from Toronto

Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

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(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

this is not real life

(1-267): View more from Pennsylvania

it never is. after midnight never counts.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(585): View more from New York

We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.

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(512): View more from Texas

I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing

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(613): View more from Ontario

the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek

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(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(310): View more from California

Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.

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(347): View more from New York

They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me

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(347): View more from New York

Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Want any specific kind of beer?

(623): View more from Arizona

Yeah. Alcohol flavor.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Got it. Anything but Miller.

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(305): View more from Florida

Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough

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(765): View more from Indiana

I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(516): View more from New York

It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine

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(512): View more from Texas

It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends

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(631): View more from New York

Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?

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(614): View more from Ohio

she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.

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(360): View more from Washington

My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(434): View more from Virginia

A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!

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(337): View more from Louisiana

so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping

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(417): View more from Missouri

I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?

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(613): View more from Ontario

No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I miss high conversations.

(270): View more from Kentucky

Swinging. Is. Amazing.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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(216): View more from Ohio

There were penises being pulled out everywhere.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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(253): View more from Washington

Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism

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(561): View more from Florida

Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed

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(216): View more from Ohio

another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.

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(916): View more from California

I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up

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(779): View more from Illinois

We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..

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(248): View more from Michigan

Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred

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(281): View more from Texas

Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Who is this?

(407): View more from Florida

Who do you want it to be?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sarah Palin

(407): View more from Florida

I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(323): View more from California

I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.

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(323): View more from California

Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.

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(409): View more from Texas

You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.

(1-425): View more from Washington

No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(334): View more from Alabama

Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here

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(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...

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(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(281): View more from Texas

Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am

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(810): View more from Michigan

I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.

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(510): View more from California

It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

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(541): View more from Oregon

blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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(727): View more from Florida

This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....

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(661): View more from California

I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"

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(658): View more from

Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

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(518): View more from New York

Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!

(207): View more from Maine

I just puked in my drinking hat.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

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(586): View more from Michigan

omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"

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(207): View more from Maine

Damn you and your Monday night power hours.

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(650): View more from California

Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished

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(770): View more from Georgia

We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.

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(775): View more from Nevada

You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.

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(281): View more from Texas

You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.

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(949): View more from California

Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.

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(310): View more from California

My entire life is one complicated drinking game

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Def the best call fo sho

(361): View more from Texas

That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.

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(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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(330): View more from Ohio

and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Operation extremely regretful is in full effect

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(760): View more from California

i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them

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(517): View more from Michigan

well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(614): View more from Ohio

How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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(347): View more from New York

It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(281): View more from Texas

i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

ttyl tear gas

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(407): View more from Florida

There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a normal friday night

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(705): View more from Ontario

and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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(713): View more from Texas

Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??

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(219): View more from Indiana

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day

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(410): View more from Maryland

We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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(410): View more from Maryland

pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me

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(480): View more from Arizona

Lets date for the summer

(815): View more from Illinois

what?

(480): View more from Arizona

Dont love me in September.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues

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(708): View more from Illinois

Less talking, more tequila

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down

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(248): View more from Michigan

Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?

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(240): View more from Maryland

To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light

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(647): View more from Ontario

Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.

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(330): View more from Ohio

sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.

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(954): View more from Florida

You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.

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(210): View more from Texas

Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(716): View more from New York

Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor

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(561): View more from Florida

The beers last night were like the tears from god

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(516): View more from New York

It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."

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(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(309): View more from Illinois

She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism

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(760): View more from California

explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.

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(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

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(253): View more from Washington

I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway

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(480): View more from Arizona

Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..

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(949): View more from California

Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

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(816): View more from Missouri

There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation

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(406): View more from Montana

It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.

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(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

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(678): View more from Georgia

He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

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(917): View more from New York City

No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(614): View more from Ohio

We just shotgunned beers for America

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.

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(904): View more from Florida

so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination

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(315): View more from New York

The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday

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(313): View more from Michigan

well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".

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(703): View more from Virginia

Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix

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(530): View more from California

he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.

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(925): View more from California

Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(260): View more from Indiana

you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

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(513): View more from Ohio

i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

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(443): View more from Maryland

the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE

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(417): View more from Missouri

Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR

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(224): View more from Illinois

update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(409): View more from Texas

I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree

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(419): View more from Ohio

currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school

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(772): View more from Florida

You took a bar mat shot.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Now have a vodka water and get your shit together

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(720): View more from Colorado

If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.

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(925): View more from California

Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

(1-925): View more from California

Yes. Yes it is.

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(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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(503): View more from Oregon

We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

apparently i was cut off before i even walked in

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(651): View more from Minnesota

pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.

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(912): View more from Georgia

you dipped you banana in queso last night.

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(585): View more from New York

you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser

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(760): View more from California

I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog

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(214): View more from Texas

New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(352): View more from Florida

Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.

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(206): View more from Washington

A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings

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(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

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(540): View more from Virginia

It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

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(507): View more from Minnesota

It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.

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(631): View more from New York

It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(519): View more from Ontario

you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

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(607): View more from New York

We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.

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(614): View more from Ohio

shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way

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(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position

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(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.

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(770): View more from Georgia

his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.

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(512): View more from Texas

They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?

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(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

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(813): View more from Florida

thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not

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(248): View more from Michigan

We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(231): View more from Michigan

Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.

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(916): View more from California

How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.

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(239): View more from Florida

MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.

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(561): View more from Florida

I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog

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(586): View more from Michigan

You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures

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(305): View more from Florida

Goddamnit I hate your level headedness

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?

(216): View more from Ohio

Turn them off?

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing

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(519): View more from Ontario

I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its not stalking. its research.

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(254): View more from Texas

You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful

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(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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(830): View more from Texas

she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Ppl just aren't as funny as we are

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(614): View more from Ohio

over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?

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(240): View more from Maryland

One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.

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(540): View more from Virginia

My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?

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(802): View more from Vermont

I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(416): View more from Toronto

i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(513): View more from Ohio

the room spins SO much faster in panama

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine

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(315): View more from New York

Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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(760): View more from California

she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.

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(941): View more from Florida

Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow

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(404): View more from Georgia

Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

ugh yes i love our date nights

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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(207): View more from Maine

My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.

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(347): View more from New York

How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(248): View more from Michigan

No idea how I passed that sobriety test.

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(443): View more from Maryland

please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

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(818): View more from California

Its about making memories worth repressing

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(239): View more from Florida

I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

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(650): View more from California

It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.

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(212): View more from New York

at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver

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(917): View more from New York City

i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(407): View more from Florida

i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?

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(850): View more from Florida

lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.

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(209): View more from California

Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?

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(810): View more from Michigan

You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(682): View more from Texas

I plan on gettn treatment center drunk

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(925): View more from California

I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"

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(510): View more from California

Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

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(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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(407): View more from Florida

youre lurking in front of me

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(206): View more from Washington

I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

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(631): View more from New York

I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

At least make sure they are 18

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Why

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(425): View more from Washington

I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it

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(408): View more from California

4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(314): View more from Missouri

Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'

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(217): View more from Illinois

Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(615): View more from Tennessee

As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo

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(409): View more from Texas

just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome

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(507): View more from Minnesota

i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I think I sharted a yagerbomb.

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(224): View more from Illinois

bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(972): View more from Texas

Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.

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(661): View more from California

I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.

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(906): View more from Michigan

last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.

(404): View more from Georgia

Is it any good?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.

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(516): View more from New York

Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on

(917): View more from New York City

Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.

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(425): View more from Washington

we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside

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(716): View more from New York

come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

(417): View more from Missouri

I can't feel my brain.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away

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(850): View more from Florida

You drinking a lot?

(1-850): View more from Florida

No.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Define a lot

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(802): View more from Vermont

you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(217): View more from Illinois

I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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(320): View more from Minnesota

im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

that girl last night was a 15

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

wait she was 15?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

no like black jack not sure if you should hit it

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Odds of those being real?

(614): View more from Ohio

One in who gives a fuck

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(913): View more from Kansas

You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

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(254): View more from Texas

Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.

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(361): View more from Texas

Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.

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(519): View more from Ontario

just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Mmmm, vodka for breakfast

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(845): View more from New York

Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..

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(818): View more from California

I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.

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(206): View more from Washington

My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed

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(979): View more from Texas

I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i have a food baby... i think its a boy...

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(347): View more from New York

Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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(305): View more from Florida

I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

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(912): View more from Georgia

This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.

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(310): View more from California

The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was

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(905): View more from Ontario

was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt

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(513): View more from Ohio

Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol

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(719): View more from Colorado

Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I swear god or herbie drove my car home

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(+27): View more from South Africa

This girl is more easily done than said...

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(785): View more from Kansas

your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us

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(360): View more from Washington

I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"

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(303): View more from Colorado

You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"

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(513): View more from Ohio

i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.

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(941): View more from Florida

I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i wish you could fill a pinata with booze

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(802): View more from Vermont

Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

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(310): View more from California

kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.

(1-310): View more from California

damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(740): View more from Ohio

There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(772): View more from Florida

I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a beautiful day for a hangover

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(705): View more from Ontario

my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(631): View more from New York

You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

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(816): View more from Missouri

why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already

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(303): View more from Colorado

good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"

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(772): View more from Florida

No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS

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(845): View more from New York

you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage

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(410): View more from Maryland

I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism

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(980): View more from North Carolina

My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover

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(805): View more from California

I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

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(571): View more from Virginia

Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar

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(425): View more from Washington

the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule

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(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(513): View more from Ohio

im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think

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(916): View more from California

Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....

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(417): View more from Missouri

Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.

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(650): View more from California

I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food

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(352): View more from Florida

Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

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(240): View more from Maryland

She's the barista slut.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(248): View more from Michigan

You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips

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(807): View more from Ontario

I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Yo quero taco bell

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm starting a business if you want to get involved

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

oh boy

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings

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(779): View more from Illinois

should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?

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(626): View more from California

This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side

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(703): View more from Virginia

just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(469): View more from Texas

Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take

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(517): View more from Michigan

My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He tried peeing out of the sunroof.

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(904): View more from Florida

naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?

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(559): View more from California

He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.

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(786): View more from Florida

If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(951): View more from California

Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants

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(480): View more from Arizona

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

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(516): View more from New York

The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

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(845): View more from New York

i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth

(330): View more from Ohio

well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth

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(810): View more from Michigan

I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess

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(705): View more from Ontario

You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(949): View more from California

Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(650): View more from California

one two three fourrrrnication!

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(514): View more from Quebec

i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"

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(847): View more from Illinois

tweet Hawks Win!! tweet

(847): View more from Illinois

That's how twitter works, right?

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(716): View more from New York

i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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(585): View more from New York

with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(229): View more from Georgia

strike ten. I need to stop drinkng

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we were pretty classy up until the second keg

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(914): View more from New York

This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(248): View more from Michigan

her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i think i'm in class. and blacked out.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?

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(207): View more from Maine

so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you

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(315): View more from New York

when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'

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(708): View more from Illinois

This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.

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(254): View more from Texas

Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had

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(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

please don't let me die tonight

(860): View more from Connecticut

what have you done for me lately?

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(940): View more from Texas

it's like heaven, but drunker

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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(646): View more from New York

The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(904): View more from Florida

the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD

(206): View more from Washington

Or, you could have used a condom

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(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

ugh. my soul tastes like vodka

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.

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(909): View more from California

is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(206): View more from Washington

On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...

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(802): View more from Vermont

I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(361): View more from Texas

What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?

(1-361): View more from Texas

These are the tickets we got last night.

(361): View more from Texas

Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?

(1-361): View more from Texas

Yes...yes you did.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(614): View more from Ohio

im so drunk with asians

(1-614): View more from Ohio

where?

(614): View more from Ohio

always

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(808): View more from Hawaii

how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

(210): View more from Texas

S P E L L C H E C K

(808): View more from Hawaii

No you dumbass thats not right

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(281): View more from Texas

After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.

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(216): View more from Ohio

when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account

(1-216): View more from Ohio

damn...impressive bar tab

(216): View more from Ohio

no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(206): View more from Washington

Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

as in "white"?

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(530): View more from California

regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle

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(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.

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(416): View more from Ontario

i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.

(727): View more from Florida

More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.

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(404): View more from Georgia

what's for breakfast?

(678): View more from Georgia

Advil and throwup

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

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(813): View more from Florida

Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?

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(817): View more from Texas

she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

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(817): View more from Texas

The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(802): View more from Vermont

he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.

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(530): View more from California

Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook

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(630): View more from Illinois

his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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(630): View more from Illinois

That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(916): View more from California

Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

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(858): View more from California

Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

that's how i am about ashleys and britneys

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(713): View more from Texas

you win again, gameday.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(+91): View more from India

Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(607): View more from New York

do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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