Texts From Last Night · markgrant's Favorites

Sorry dgwesdfwe hasn't picked any favorites yet.

markgrant's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(203): View more from Connecticut

Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..

Fav 6 4081 1084
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

Fav 2 5185 1335
share tweet

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.

Fav 3 3037 1090
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

Fav 8 5728 1052
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know

Fav 10 3930 942
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.

Fav 7 4038 1212
share tweet

(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

Fav 7 6399 1626
share tweet

(402): View more from Nebraska

i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one

Fav 15 5190 1631
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

Fav 5 3981 1505
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety

Fav 7 2833 1350
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

Fav 6 1504 4124
share tweet

(250): View more from British Columbia

Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

Fav 8 3633 1509
share tweet

(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

Fav 7 4243 1359
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

Fav 6 3158 1351
share tweet

(512): View more from Texas

She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers

Fav 11 2231 3719
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends

Fav 7 3245 1247
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

Fav 12 5655 1473
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

Fav 11 5143 1705
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem

Fav 6 3871 1402
share tweet
(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

Fav 11 7605 1273
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

Fav 13 3313 2167
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

Fav 6 4510 1489
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

Fav 8 4940 1148
share tweet
(209): View more from California

is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

Fav 4 4648 1440
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working

Fav 7 1335 3815
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.

Fav 7 3313 1375
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

Fav 16 5480 1454
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

Fav 10 1356 3793
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

Fav 5 3380 4605
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

Fav 12 6931 1447
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

Fav 18 1680 9226
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

Fav 6 8198 1573
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

Fav 15 6103 1797
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....

Fav 4 3773 2139
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

Fav 91 2155 25267
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

Fav 18 2518 4152
share tweet
(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

Fav 17 1742 7197
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

Fav 16 6144 1695
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.

Fav 13 1095 5428
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

Fav 20 1916 4273
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

Fav 14 1373 4769
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

Fav 13 8838 1830
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

Fav 31 15541 2219
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

Fav 25 1614 5760
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

Fav 11 7428 1904
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

Fav 25 5815 1592
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

Fav 41 12269 2534
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

Fav 3 1638 3338
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

Fav 2 4535 1442
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

Fav 15 1962 5624
share tweet
(818): View more from California

two words...techno handjob

Fav 31 4904 1748
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

Fav 19 2159 3976
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life

Fav 8 3057 1179
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

Fav 40 10292 1537
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Why is your signature on my underwear?

Fav 19 6433 1237
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

Fav 16 5668 1360
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

Fav 11 8658 1401
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

Fav 31 11664 1813
share tweet
(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

Fav 20 9153 1824
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

Fav 25 5402 4083
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

Fav 31 10066 1718
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."

Fav 17 6282 1824
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

Fav 68 13488 2854
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

Fav 8 5430 1469
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went

Fav 35 1343 8866
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

Fav 11 7925 1585
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23539 2197
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

Fav 12 6451 1610
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

Fav 27 9054 2080
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes

Fav 22 1700 5385
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.

Fav 29 1492 5648
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

Fav 12 1488 6996
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks

Fav 27 1586 7489
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

Fav 19 6966 1910
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

Fav 27 9876 1672
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.

Fav 13 1575 3456
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

Fav 42 6661 2122
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

Fav 31 1887 5165
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.

Fav 29 1309 3735
share tweet
(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

Fav 19 8761 1467
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

Fav 23 7018 1482
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

Fav 17 1327 5682
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10199 1911
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

Fav 137 7391 5951
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

Fav 41 5027 9347
share tweet
(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

Fav 48 11107 1525
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.

Fav 13 1250 3002
share tweet
(530): View more from California

We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

Fav 17 4668 1361
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

Fav 38 11690 1726
share tweet
(650): View more from California

she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

Fav 17 1745 9386
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

Fav 26 13590 1717
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

Fav 35 10989 1771
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

Fav 20 7825 1624
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

Fav 12 1764 5334
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

Fav 9 5455 1356
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.

Fav 11 4693 1670
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

Fav 15 5653 1769
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

Fav 34 3666 4724
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

Fav 24 4687 2500
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."

Fav 8 1376 6346
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

Fav 17 5024 1495
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

Fav 12 5880 1561
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

Fav 20 2500 4158
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

Fav 49 9826 1848
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.

Fav 10 3083 1255
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

Fav 17 6449 1460
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

Fav 15 4952 1834
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.

Fav 16 1648 6152
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

Fav 17 7419 1363
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

Fav 10 5457 1463
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.

Fav 12 5872 1412
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

Fav 17 9086 1768
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

Fav 12 5440 1430
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

Fav 19 5902 1524
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

Fav 9 5112 1635
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

Fav 15 2102 6432
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

What did I eat last night that was bloody?

Fav 19 969 6967
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

Fav 15 2115 5670
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime

Fav 24 4527 1312
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

Fav 21 7439 1427
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

Fav 22 1485 4496
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

Fav 20 7711 1621
share tweet
(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

Fav 6 1794 5796
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

Fav 51 2596 7281
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works

Fav 11 4769 2152
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

Fav 30 7829 3210
share tweet
(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

Fav 24 8021 1325
share tweet
(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

Fav 17 5850 1343
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

Fav 15 8663 1514
share tweet
(714): View more from California

when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

Fav 14 1129 5691
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

Fav 11 6651 1379
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53787 3103
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

Fav 35 2257 9060
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

Fav 45 12481 1730
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

Fav 13 2202 4124
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

Fav 21 6178 1594
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

Fav 7 5751 1596
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

Fav 29 2349 7210
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

Fav 30 7522 1460
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

Fav 20 1284 8029
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

Fav 9 6651 2033
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

this is something i pride myself on being below average for

Fav 7 2764 1511
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

Fav 13 6064 1690
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?

Fav 27 1512 5835
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15495 2361
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

Fav 20 6467 1217
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats

Fav 14 2222 3012
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.

Fav 27 4440 4082
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

Fav 20 7621 1234
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

Fav 7 4959 1377
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1914
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl

Fav 16 1459 4651
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

Fav 13 8046 1484
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

Fav 10 5305 1231
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

Fav 29 1571 8692
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

Fav 19 5918 1532
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now

Fav 16 5536 1386
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season

Fav 37 2131 9750
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..

Fav 9 4601 1540
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??

Fav 8 1442 4187
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

Fav 21 8707 1629
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

Fav 22 5712 3063
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

Fav 12 5092 1205
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb

Fav 16 4109 1157
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

Fav 25 7102 2099
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?

Fav 22 1934 5181
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

Fav 27 7187 1992
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

Fav 12 8382 1461
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

Fav 36 2943 5634
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

Fav 17 5131 1815
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She just messaged me 19 sad faces.

Fav 25 1222 6639
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest

Fav 9 1377 4207
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

Fav 18 6806 1444
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

Fav 23 3982 1739
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

Fav 22 6729 1543
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115821 11197
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 131995 5198
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178653 8184
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

Fav 100 3200 7982
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

Fav 17 5836 1570
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

Fav 46 15408 1888
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.

Fav 9 4055 1136
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.

Fav 10 1124 5317
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.

Fav 11 3896 1400
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.

Fav 4 1268 4085
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

Fav 39 10952 1545
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

Fav 20 6955 1412
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

Fav 15 5564 1461
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?

Fav 16 4725 1174
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

Fav 19 9005 1686
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

Fav 42 12099 1498
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

Fav 12 5504 2121
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

Fav 13 4133 1355
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

Fav 13 6127 1431
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

Fav 8 4995 1568
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

Fav 29 10541 1492
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better

Fav 9 4441 1070
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

Fav 45 11736 2892
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

Fav 41 2223 9441
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

Fav 24 6922 1802
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

Fav 13 5535 1679
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

Fav 13 6319 1462
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

Fav 9 5498 1535
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

Fav 11 6096 1550
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

Fav 18 1348 8109
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

Fav 14 5869 1561
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

Fav 46 5269 1604
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

Fav 20 8271 1582
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub

Fav 5 4947 1046
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

Fav 24 6214 1971
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

Fav 10 6632 1521
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.

Fav 7 5530 1335
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

Fav 20 8141 1546
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

Fav 19 2589 7215
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

Fav 26 1931 6692
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

Fav 8 5840 2296
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

Fav 17 6902 1469
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

Fav 6 1084 4543
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.

Fav 20 1565 5026
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

Fav 28 13864 2497
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

Fav 6 5129 1506
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

Fav 18 6411 1398
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

Fav 16 7685 1514
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?

Fav 14 5512 1266
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

Fav 12 9942 1892
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.

Fav 6 2685 3610
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

Fav 20 10921 1640
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.

Fav 15 2085 4070
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

Fav 15 10920 1450
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

Fav 6 6185 1602
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

Fav 7 5688 1440
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

Fav 31 20934 1954
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.

Fav 12 1160 5977
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

Fav 12 8243 1767
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

Fav 21 7924 1611
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

Fav 26 10468 2105
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.

Fav 30 4331 1295
share tweet