Texts From Last Night · markustherrien's Favorites

Sorry whiskey_coyote hasn't picked any favorites yet.

markustherrien's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13125 1907
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

Fav 30 5931 1769
share tweet

(404): View more from Georgia

She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.

Fav 12 5120 1718
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

Fav 19 1435 9650
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

Fav 21 6059 1465
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

Fav 24 5693 1771
share tweet

(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

Fav 30 9572 1753
share tweet

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

Fav 7 5487 1093
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.

Fav 18 1276 4397
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

Fav 21 2144 6125
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...

Fav 18 1240 7777
share tweet

(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

Fav 46 2654 11663
share tweet

(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

Fav 57 5035 1661
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

Fav 6 6036 1382
share tweet

(907): View more from Alaska

scale of 1-10 how well do I give head

(1-907): View more from Alaska

5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.

Fav 75 4630 1574
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.

Fav 97 1989 10869
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

Fav 26 13926 1190
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

Fav 20 9453 2163
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

Fav 27 7088 1457
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

Fav 63 11142 2060
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

Fav 26 9155 1357
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

Fav 24 6922 1802
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

Fav 26 2811 8428
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

Fav 86 9706 4845
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

Fav 44 3426 8336
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

Fav 38 9515 2395
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

Fav 66 26246 3371
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

Fav 17 13202 2112
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

Fav 14 5869 1561
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

Fav 20 12045 1490
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

Fav 42 1769 15027
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

Fav 9 2360 5104
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.

Fav 12 1313 5674
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

Fav 13 6941 1912
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

Fav 29 15043 1680
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.

Fav 15 1317 5960
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there

Fav 8 5107 1316
share tweet
(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

Fav 23 2289 6945
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.

Fav 36 1632 5576
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

Fav 12 5927 1608
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11547 1662
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

Fav 19 10425 1409
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

Fav 17 7924 1354
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

Fav 33 11339 1794
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

Fav 9 7836 1461
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

Fav 20 12052 1544
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

Fav 40 6288 1469
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Can I ask u a weird question?

(1-509): View more from Washington

Sure

(509): View more from Washington

do u have the hershy squirts too?

Fav 20 784 3814
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

Fav 41 1871 13825
share tweet
(650): View more from California

last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

Fav 16 5801 1557
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.

Fav 31 996 8856
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What'd you say?

(248): View more from Michigan

I told him I was sleep driving

Fav 3 1871 805
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

Fav 28 1569 5607
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"

Fav 28 3009 4589
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53247 2386
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

Fav 22 1408 7669
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.

Fav 35 1412 13140
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.

Fav 17 2202 6261
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.

(352): View more from Florida

WHAT?!

(407): View more from Florida

He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.

Fav 6 976 2698
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68662 3916
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

Fav 15 12569 1417
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

Fav 40 11634 3452
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

Fav 15 8244 1404
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

Fav 21 2269 8024
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.

Fav 30 1498 4291
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.

(804): View more from Virginia

He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.

Fav 8 1171 2947
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

Fav 31 2921 7591
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

(770): View more from Georgia

she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

(404): View more from Georgia

You KNEW her power was out...

Fav 39 12378 1429
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.

Fav 45 8029 1388
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Haha, bad night?

Fav 144 1737 17281
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"

Fav 30 5187 1239
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Can i come over

(240): View more from Maryland

After you called me a desperate slut? No

(240): View more from Maryland

Come over

Fav 10 5145 2027
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"

Fav 78 1366 17462
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39925 2449
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

Fav 46 6426 9143
share tweet
(626): View more from California

you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay

Fav 10 1195 5018
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

How am I a tease?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

(813): View more from Florida

ONLY PART OF IT.

Fav 45 8798 2020
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

Fav 78 6900 7365
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!

(704): View more from North Carolina

Well, there goes breastfeeding.

Fav 44 1257 2781
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I just know... :) goodntight

(1-281): View more from Texas

Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

Fav 17 3737 1008
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

Fav 33 3471 1152
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7

(1-845): View more from New York

id pin you as more of an 8

Fav 14 3129 1003
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

Fav 17 5735 998
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.

Fav 7 3011 942
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.

Fav 20 1479 4449
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER

Fav 5 3716 1170
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"

Fav 27 6841 2378
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

Fav 14 9691 1433
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

Fav 16 6239 1695
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao

Fav 17 4305 1413
share tweet
(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

Fav 63 8693 1105
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

Fav 197 2431 27502
share tweet
(343): View more from Ontario

STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.

Fav 1 3977 1629
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

garbage

(248): View more from Michigan

garbage dick

(847): View more from Illinois

rubbish cock

(248): View more from Michigan

you win

Fav 3 2902 1258
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.

(919): View more from North Carolina

That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.

Fav 7 1474 5579
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me

Fav 41 3508 1108
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth

(330): View more from Ohio

well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth

Fav 25 5334 897
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

Fav 7 1246 2934
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.

Fav 90 1252 6142
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

Fav 145 41238 2023
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?

(402): View more from Nebraska

4.

Fav 15 3540 977
share tweet
(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

Fav 45 16139 2232
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.

Fav 15 4892 1777
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..

Fav 17 4245 1789
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

Fav 25 8818 1440
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

Fav 14 5574 1369
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"

(1-703): View more from Virginia

where do you find these guys?

Fav 8 1561 4278
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.

Fav 32 8801 1087
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!

(434): View more from Virginia

Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.

Fav 8 1138 3778
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

Fav 39 9691 1330
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant

Fav 10 1593 3221
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

Fav 180 2621 29259
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8565 49741
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

Fav 63 59909 1927
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

She is in my trunk

Fav 7 2122 1223
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

at least i was looking out for everybody

Fav 8 4888 924
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.

Fav 11 927 3087
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.

Fav 22 8268 1602
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?

(1-216): View more from Ohio

i'd get off the bar first.

Fav 18 1004 3118
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck

Fav 35 6671 1576
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

Fav 32 12671 1915
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..

Fav 43 971 6548
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i totally said that

Fav 19 4313 825
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!

Fav 33 1094 5800
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

Fav 57 1721 11834
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

Fav 55 12487 1499
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters

(1-813): View more from Florida

What is a male extremity?

(813): View more from Florida

i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex

Fav 35 1040 5003
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

Fav 19 1562 3578
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."

Fav 77 1129 16416
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.

(214): View more from Texas

round 2?

(972): View more from Texas

EVER.

Fav 10 1424 3919
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

Fav 52 9826 1245
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

Fav 31 10375 1314
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.

Fav 44 1310 5909
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.

(775): View more from Nevada

Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????

(702): View more from Nevada

God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.

Fav 14 989 2691
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

(210): View more from Texas

no

Fav 15 2319 5399
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

Fav 46 9833 2408
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

margs and chips and queso make the world go round

(1-757): View more from Virginia

well and inertia

Fav 7 1937 804
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim

Fav 24 996 7964
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

Fav 10 1636 2382
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

Fav 29 9414 2387
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i have a girlfriend

(847): View more from Illinois

if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

(630): View more from Illinois

no

Fav 40 5887 2109
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi

(214): View more from Texas

ok, stay where you are, be there soon

Fav 55 2890 1116
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

So we're fucking tonight?

Fav 12 4768 1622
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?

(301): View more from Maryland

yes! wait why?

(240): View more from Maryland

because i found it in my pocket this morning...

Fav 39 11828 1203
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

Fav 44 8983 1374
share tweet
(209): View more from California

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

Fav 27 9928 1131
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

Fav 26 14204 1600
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Wasn't he an English major?

Fav 12 1476 5341
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

Fav 69 15076 4260
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

Fav 29 12049 1723
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

Fav 9 5519 1165
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

Fav 17 8745 1244
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back

Fav 16 7648 1283
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

Fav 18 6283 2477
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

Fav 122 3686 15933
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.

Fav 32 8617 1702
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3010
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

Fav 22 2545 6839
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

Fav 56 31648 2127
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........

Fav 32 1063 8731
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm home now. bring me food and boobies

Fav 3 2796 979
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

Fav 86 39696 2410
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.

Fav 8 3404 754
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

Fav 15 5756 951
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(727): View more from Florida

ooooooooooooo i'm drink

Fav 25 4806 963
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

:)

Fav 12 4219 965
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...

Fav 67 2443 1366
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

Fav 97 45278 2188
share tweet
(458): View more from Oregon

So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...

Fav 53 1549 6276
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

Fav 39 12486 2052
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He told me I remind him of his sister...

(917): View more from New York City

Was this before or after you did it?

(512): View more from Texas

before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.

Fav 7 868 3007
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

Fav 81 9967 2120
share tweet
(353): View more from

i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash

Fav 22 5960 980
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Look at my ENTIRE past

(586): View more from Michigan

Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought

(586): View more from Michigan

Might as well have a blog about it at this point

Fav 6 1505 865
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.

Fav 18 938 5026
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38253 5878
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

Fav 49 4619 2022
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle

(612): View more from Minnesota

safety first

Fav 32 5780 1099
share tweet
(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

Fav 46 11245 3207
share tweet
(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

Fav 38 10284 1061
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.

Fav 64 1309 11262
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

Fav 39 10008 1245
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

(703): View more from Virginia

I'm on my period, period, period

Fav 72 2288 16366
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

Fav 35 14139 1498
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

whose oscar?

(203): View more from Connecticut

the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

Fav 29 9313 1222
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

His little brother walked in on us. Six times.

Fav 29 1739 9420
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

Fav 19 3057 7017
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

Fav 63 15754 1366
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

Fav 58 8561 2273
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

Fav 57 1485 5984
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

Fav 36 10406 1454
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

Fav 16 2538 1097
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

Fav 52 4938 1271
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before

Fav 29 4960 1278
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.

Fav 51 6431 1066
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146094 10745
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.

Fav 39 1063 5271
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..

Fav 18 6046 896
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

Fav 44 8415 1407
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt

Fav 32 1401 5934
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

Fav 78 26998 3619
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...

(847): View more from Illinois

And they lived happily ever after....

Fav 22 1982 5497
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"

Fav 34 1739 5095
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.

Fav 38 5827 1650
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping

Fav 18 1336 5179
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

"Monday" is guna come over...

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

but its Thursday?

(225): View more from Louisiana

yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go

Fav 5 1839 768
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

Fav 31 14424 1399
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

Fav 19 5836 1355
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.

Fav 28 843 7342
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.

Fav 26 4305 1040
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.

Fav 6 3960 1393
share tweet
(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

Fav 37 8009 1394
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

Fav 51 20490 1227
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.

(205): View more from Alabama

Win!

Fav 12 5619 1107
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

singing on the bus should be illegal

(607): View more from New York

huh?

(727): View more from Florida

There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down

Fav 58 1420 4497
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend

(1-727): View more from Florida

Awkward

Fav 13 961 3454
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

Fav 82 27581 2040
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I'm not sure what to say to that.

Fav 29 964 2890
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door

(865): View more from Tennessee

and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

Fav 23 7918 1164
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I could have mohawked her pubes.

Fav 59 1029 5054
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

Fav 187 4437 2325
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...

Fav 15 1856 996
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

He asked me if I "almost moaned"

Fav 27 920 5010
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth

(1-858): View more from California

Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?

Fav 10 1019 5527
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'

Fav 39 1040 7115
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

Fav 21 1149 4000
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

u like it?

(937): View more from Ohio

NOT THE POINT.

Fav 40 4662 1048
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

Fav 42 1200 5431
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

Fav 33 26026 1775
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

Fav 76 22592 1879
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

Fav 23 10830 1090
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn

Fav 70 3661 5509
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

Fav 55 7561 2061
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

Fav 21 12024 1296
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

Fav 3 2700 935
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.

Fav 13 1373 6092
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

Fav 84 28657 1670
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??

(630): View more from Illinois

savin' lives aint cheap

Fav 23 2074 923
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about

Fav 27 1704 7089
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

ok i said sorry. what else do you want?

(740): View more from Ohio

100 blowjobs

Fav 14 2473 996
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

Fav 45 9536 3143
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

Fav 91 22468 3683
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

Fav 62 3553 5273
share tweet