Texts From Last Night · paulfrank's Favorites

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(516): View more from New York

Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes

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(281): View more from Texas

I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!

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(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(254): View more from Texas

The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(571): View more from Virginia

I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans

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(204): View more from Manitoba

When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?

(204): View more from Manitoba

I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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(623): View more from Arizona

everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.

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(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.

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(419): View more from Ohio

her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?

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(510): View more from California

I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"

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(917): View more from New York City

K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.

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(386): View more from Florida

tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN

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(619): View more from California

i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out

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(647): View more from Ontario

Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

coke and sex party at dan's

(201): View more from New Jersey

im watching greys anatomy with megan...

(973): View more from New Jersey

wha-pishhh

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

(305): View more from Florida

Did you save them?

(404): View more from Georgia

Who?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(248): View more from Michigan

i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.

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(208): View more from Idaho

The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.

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(626): View more from California

Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game

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(519): View more from Ontario

just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you talking about my vagina?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am

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(901): View more from Tennessee

the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.

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(949): View more from California

I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(972): View more from Texas

Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(631): View more from New York

You only like me because I'm a challenge

(201): View more from New Jersey

You already blew me

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(701): View more from North Dakota

two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

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(303): View more from Colorado

New channing tatum movie.

(858): View more from California

I'll bring my vibrator.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating

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(510): View more from California

You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga

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(224): View more from Illinois

finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..

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(330): View more from Ohio

he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20

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(815): View more from Illinois

man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

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(770): View more from Georgia

I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(770): View more from Georgia

At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit

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(260): View more from Indiana

My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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(812): View more from Indiana

Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw

(651): View more from Minnesota

by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix

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(503): View more from Oregon

two words: eviction party

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!

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(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis

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(214): View more from Texas

How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.

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(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I don't know where I am but there are firefighters

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(330): View more from Ohio

Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on

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(678): View more from Georgia

If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

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(410): View more from Maryland

As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.

(443): View more from Maryland

im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile

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(785): View more from Kansas

Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you

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(313): View more from Michigan

you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser

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(850): View more from Florida

hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack

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(818): View more from California

you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

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(770): View more from Georgia

It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up

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(317): View more from Indiana

fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(708): View more from Illinois

She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(914): View more from New York

She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.

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(904): View more from Florida

i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised

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(864): View more from South Carolina

her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes

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(708): View more from Illinois

The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."

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(408): View more from California

I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just remember telling jokes while vomitting

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(647): View more from Ontario

The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

math is fun

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(917): View more from New York City

It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.

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(516): View more from New York

i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv

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(925): View more from California

so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious

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(402): View more from Nebraska

you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it

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(925): View more from California

It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.

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