Texts From Last Night · phoenix22's Favorites

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phoenix22's Favorites Texts:

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(323): View more from California

Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

Oh.My.God.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

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(206): View more from Washington

Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(813): View more from Florida

He had one of those small greek statue penises

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.

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(503): View more from Oregon

jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(518): View more from New York

everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

(210): View more from Texas

S P E L L C H E C K

(808): View more from Hawaii

No you dumbass thats not right

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(714): View more from California

Letd wlk him

(714): View more from California

Lrtd walek hime

(714): View more from California

Lets wlk home,,,ther we go

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(852): View more from

i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?

(256): View more from Alabama

Stay away from his face.

(852): View more from

so i go for his dick?

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(905): View more from Ontario

My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.

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(205): View more from Alabama

at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.

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(352): View more from Florida

You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

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(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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(731): View more from Tennessee

can we take a shower together?

(901): View more from Tennessee

no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yeah, i think she was German or something.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.

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(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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(301): View more from Maryland

i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up

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(402): View more from Nebraska

hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

come over

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who is canola oil?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you're an idiot.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

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(574): View more from Indiana

So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

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(847): View more from Illinois

well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."

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(360): View more from Washington

I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?

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(816): View more from Missouri

you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.

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(616): View more from Michigan

when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

(248): View more from Michigan

who is this?

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

(973): View more from New Jersey

i think girls just don't want to fuck you

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(940): View more from Texas

Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

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(239): View more from Florida

I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.

(239): View more from Florida

I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless

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(586): View more from Michigan

the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

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(847): View more from Illinois

hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??

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(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

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(708): View more from Illinois

its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(512): View more from Texas

I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches

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(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(251): View more from Alabama

Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

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(713): View more from Texas

You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin

(954): View more from Florida

Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language

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(937): View more from Ohio

my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.

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(916): View more from California

Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

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(207): View more from Maine

I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(303): View more from Colorado

normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.

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(317): View more from Indiana

when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...

(435): View more from Utah

A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(817): View more from Texas

this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"

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(972): View more from Texas

I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"

(1-972): View more from Texas

More like "Chia Pet"

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(312): View more from Illinois

i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it

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(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.

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(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(708): View more from Illinois

Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(707): View more from California

My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

(813): View more from Florida

sounds like you understand them just fine

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

(803): View more from South Carolina

honey you're def caucasian

(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

what's Bukake?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

a bad idea.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(434): View more from Virginia

because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?

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(312): View more from Illinois

awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

(708): View more from Illinois

Did someone propose they get off the stage?

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(813): View more from Florida

For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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(618): View more from Illinois

No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.

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(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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(503): View more from Oregon

you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(409): View more from Texas

We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(512): View more from Texas

do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home

(419): View more from Ohio

move.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

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(404): View more from Georgia

"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would be honored to be that friend.

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(805): View more from California

My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

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(217): View more from Illinois

So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy

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(315): View more from New York

he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

(607): View more from New York

what a beautiful fairy tale

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(913): View more from Kansas

I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

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(302): View more from Delaware

i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

story of my life.

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(315): View more from New York

Random question, how's your gag reflex these days

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(248): View more from Michigan

if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me

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(678): View more from Georgia

so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(631): View more from New York

After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch

(1-631): View more from New York

that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her

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(775): View more from Nevada

I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(478): View more from Georgia

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

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(850): View more from Florida

Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.

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(618): View more from Illinois

My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(623): View more from Arizona

were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Every day of my life.

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)

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(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(916): View more from California

If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(913): View more from Kansas

his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(360): View more from Washington

is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?

(503): View more from Oregon

Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

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(631): View more from New York

This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

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(224): View more from Illinois

U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.

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(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.

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(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(941): View more from Florida

He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(443): View more from Maryland

The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.

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(714): View more from California

so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.

(1-714): View more from California

yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear

(401): View more from Rhode Island

...this stays between you and me

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

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(314): View more from Missouri

I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.

(260): View more from Indiana

Good luck with that.

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(518): View more from New York

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.

(773): View more from Illinois

"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.

(773): View more from Illinois

I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I can't open my eyes

(925): View more from California

Lol why not?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): View more from Massachusetts

So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

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(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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(214): View more from Texas

Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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(740): View more from Ohio

There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(281): View more from Texas

I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

(979): View more from Texas

I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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(213): View more from California

i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

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(718): View more from New York

you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

(917): View more from New York City

i told you we never speak of that again

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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