Texts From Last Night · TheBurg's Favorites

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TheBurg's Favorites Texts:

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life

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(847): View more from Illinois

Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.

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(812): View more from Indiana

This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.

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(281): View more from Texas

I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.

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(716): View more from New York

I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.

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(317): View more from Indiana

That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Smaug the FABULOUS

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(443): View more from Maryland

so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.

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(702): View more from Nevada

if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now

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(510): View more from California

I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch

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(513): View more from Ohio

Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.

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(347): View more from New York

Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position

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(207): View more from Maine

Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I think drunk me is trying to kill me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?

(248): View more from Michigan

I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape

(617): View more from Massachusetts

his single is called “stick some holes in it”

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She used to be cute, back when we were young.

(276): View more from Virginia

Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.

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(510): View more from California

God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.

(252): View more from North Carolina

Psychosis secondary to sobriety???

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(407): View more from Florida

I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.

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(512): View more from Texas

I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif

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(201): View more from New Jersey

...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible

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(512): View more from Texas

Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.

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(425): View more from Washington

Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

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(209): View more from California

I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.

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(720): View more from Colorado

The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far

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(330): View more from Ohio

151 hangover. Need apocalypse.

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(925): View more from California

I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine

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(720): View more from Colorado

I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid

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(770): View more from Georgia

I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone

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(330): View more from Ohio

If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs

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(916): View more from California

The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat

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(310): View more from California

I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks

(310): View more from California

Like what do you want from me

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(541): View more from Oregon

I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You get 5 min

(586): View more from Michigan

Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again

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(210): View more from Texas

Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting

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(510): View more from California

Drunk is not a location!

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.

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(917): View more from New York City

I am available for nakedness

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(513): View more from Ohio

Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...

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(801): View more from Utah

Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.

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(310): View more from California

Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan

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(630): View more from Illinois

How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder

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(806): View more from Texas

Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji

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(415): View more from California

I'm just so full of love and alcohol

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(301): View more from Maryland

You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare

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(519): View more from Ontario

Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.

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(744): View more from

I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO

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(616): View more from Michigan

Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me

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(425): View more from Washington

I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers

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(636): View more from Missouri

I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I want to fling myself into the sun

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(256): View more from Alabama

I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I have already put on my inside pants.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

you suck at sexting

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.

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(801): View more from Utah

If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.

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(613): View more from Ontario

This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.

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(972): View more from Texas

There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.

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(972): View more from Texas

If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.

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(863): View more from Florida

Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.

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(810): View more from Michigan

If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.

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(360): View more from Washington

You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights

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(303): View more from Colorado

Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it

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(303): View more from Colorado

im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality

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(224): View more from Illinois

It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows

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(647): View more from Ontario

I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men

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(519): View more from Ontario

Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car

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(503): View more from Oregon

If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive

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(972): View more from Texas

I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.

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(360): View more from Washington

Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.

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(619): View more from California

I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious

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(647): View more from Ontario

I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.

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(925): View more from California

Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?

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(216): View more from Ohio

so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.

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(917): View more from New York City

She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?

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(316): View more from Kansas

I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!

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(301): View more from Maryland

At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm so proud of us for not dying.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program

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(323): View more from California

There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace

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(925): View more from California

well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice

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(443): View more from Maryland

Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole

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(619): View more from California

AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The side bitch struggle is real.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I need vitamin water and Jesus :/

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.

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(256): View more from Alabama

this hospital has no fireball

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(773): View more from Illinois

you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.

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(520): View more from Arizona

If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death

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(845): View more from New York

Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.

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(631): View more from New York

10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.

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(206): View more from Washington

steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.

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(530): View more from California

It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.

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(818): View more from California

I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.

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(678): View more from Georgia

If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.

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(917): View more from New York City

I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.

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(509): View more from Washington

i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.

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(647): View more from Ontario

He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not

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(770): View more from Georgia

They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.

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(276): View more from Virginia

LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.

(440): View more from Ohio

and SLEEP god I love sleep

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(360): View more from Washington

No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.

(1-360): View more from Washington

You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.

(843): View more from South Carolina

Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?

(404): View more from Georgia

I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.

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(914): View more from New York

answer my text you professional douchebag

(914): View more from New York

and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible

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(713): View more from Texas

He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.

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(330): View more from Ohio

can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism

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(650): View more from California

I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.

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(518): View more from New York

I can't help that I bring out the sex in people

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?

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(519): View more from Ontario

He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike

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(631): View more from New York

It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

it's too much effort for something that isn't food.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

new district manager is here. you need to come in early

(630): View more from Illinois

5th mimosa says otherwise

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.

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(613): View more from Ontario

We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends

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(714): View more from California

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!

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(519): View more from Ontario

It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.

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(469): View more from Texas

I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.

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(516): View more from New York

I spy something regrettable...

(716): View more from New York

Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power

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(714): View more from California

I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.

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(407): View more from Florida

I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.

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(713): View more from Texas

Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.

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(785): View more from Kansas

After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.

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(904): View more from Florida

Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.

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(516): View more from New York

Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself

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(720): View more from Colorado

You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it

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(801): View more from Utah

My dick looks like crazy bread

(480): View more from Arizona

pics are now mandatory

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(905): View more from Ontario

I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency

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(517): View more from Michigan

I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.

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(936): View more from Texas

We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯

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(760): View more from California

This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful

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(209): View more from California

I can't put those talents on a resume

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate

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(619): View more from California

I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.

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(573): View more from Missouri

On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"

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(360): View more from Washington

Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.

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(214): View more from Texas

This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I

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(650): View more from California

i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era

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(770): View more from Georgia

Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I know that feel bro

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(302): View more from Delaware

I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect

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(310): View more from California

Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me

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(775): View more from Nevada

This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.

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(415): View more from California

I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize

(1-415): View more from California

Can I have the second place winner?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.

(614): View more from Ohio

I'm Batman.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule

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(205): View more from Alabama

You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too

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(916): View more from California

Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.

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(850): View more from Florida

Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.

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(602): View more from Arizona

OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!

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(514): View more from Quebec

When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.

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(510): View more from California

Do they make liter beers?

(727): View more from Florida

They make 40s

(510): View more from California

Do they make 2 liter beers

(727): View more from Florida

They make 2 40s

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(519): View more from Ontario

don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom

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(404): View more from Georgia

Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night

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(410): View more from Maryland

he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"

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(330): View more from Ohio

I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse

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(931): View more from Tennessee

it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.

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(212): View more from New York

Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors

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(520): View more from Arizona

Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?

(614): View more from Ohio

Your word choices worry me.

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(586): View more from Michigan

If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style

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(206): View more from Washington

I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug

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(860): View more from Connecticut

6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.

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(816): View more from Missouri

well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart

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(706): View more from Georgia

The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.

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(571): View more from Virginia

If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me

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(925): View more from California

Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.

(1-925): View more from California

Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville

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(561): View more from Florida

I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)

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(305): View more from Florida

As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.

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(716): View more from New York

while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing

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(434): View more from Virginia

I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.

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(516): View more from New York

If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.

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(209): View more from California

i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.

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(847): View more from Illinois

My day in three words: secret purse cake

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.

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(510): View more from California

A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business

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(714): View more from California

Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.

(469): View more from Texas

I have the flu.

(214): View more from Texas

I don't give a shit

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(563): View more from Iowa

Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards

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(716): View more from New York

BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch

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(334): View more from Alabama

That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.

(678): View more from Georgia

Good point.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I round house kicked her emotions in the face

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(406): View more from Montana

Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul

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(410): View more from Maryland

She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.

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(727): View more from Florida

We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.

(1-727): View more from Florida

I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5

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(217): View more from Illinois

List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho

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(208): View more from Idaho

Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.

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(925): View more from California

I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability

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(936): View more from Texas

I AM VODKA MAN

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough

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(905): View more from Ontario

This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.

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(425): View more from Washington

I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.

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(720): View more from Colorado

His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.

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(650): View more from California

Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge

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(817): View more from Texas

I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.

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(786): View more from Florida

Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.

(1-786): View more from Florida

Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?

(786): View more from Florida

I insist.

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(707): View more from California

Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..

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(517): View more from Michigan

Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.

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(915): View more from Texas

I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?

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(734): View more from Michigan

My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.

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(702): View more from Nevada

We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.

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(646): View more from New York

classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable

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(954): View more from Florida

My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.

Fav 3 1121 592
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

An artistic expression of her stupidity.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.

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(323): View more from California

In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.

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(516): View more from New York

I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.

(708): View more from Illinois

And it tastes incredible.

(708): View more from Illinois

And I have chest pains.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(936): View more from Texas

Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup

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(816): View more from Missouri

One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!

Fav 3 1009 594
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(541): View more from Oregon

No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.

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(550): View more from

I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.

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(561): View more from Florida

I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white

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(734): View more from Michigan

If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do

Fav 7 1530 593
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(586): View more from Michigan

Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work

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(619): View more from California

Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident

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(303): View more from Colorado

that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration

Fav 2 980 644
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?

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(415): View more from California

i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.

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(850): View more from Florida

It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.

Fav 2 1727 775
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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".

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(248): View more from Michigan

No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.

(1248): View more from

That'll put some boobs in that bra.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

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(605): View more from South Dakota

captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

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(248): View more from Michigan

We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.

Fav 4 1620 794
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(785): View more from Kansas

Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.

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(425): View more from Washington

Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death

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(210): View more from Texas

What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.

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(903): View more from Texas

Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die

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(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor

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(425): View more from Washington

So that wine I told you about is vile...

(360): View more from Washington

That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?

(425): View more from Washington

Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.

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(516): View more from New York

Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"

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(812): View more from Indiana

You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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(315): View more from New York

If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".

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(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.

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(818): View more from California

Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How external is "for external use only"?

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(626): View more from California

obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that

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(217): View more from Illinois

getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

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(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(512): View more from Texas

At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."

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(917): View more from New York City

I cockslap morals

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(415): View more from California

How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.

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(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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(917): View more from New York City

Um, that's called prostitution

(773): View more from Illinois

Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He has such a weird drunk-voice.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

dude, he's deaf.

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(858): View more from California

She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.

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(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(207): View more from Maine

using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.

(917): View more from New York City

me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(917): View more from New York City

My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.

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(954): View more from Florida

It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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(516): View more from New York

I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!

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(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!

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(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(757): View more from Virginia

if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.

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(951): View more from California

I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.

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(941): View more from Florida

She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(719): View more from Colorado

physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(785): View more from Kansas

whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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(323): View more from California

Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.

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(281): View more from Texas

After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.

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(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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(513): View more from Ohio

some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving

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(647): View more from Ontario

It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

(416): View more from Toronto

From?

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(707): View more from California

Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.

(404): View more from Georgia

Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(907): View more from Alaska

It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(913): View more from Kansas

Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

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(509): View more from Washington

He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

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(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

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(805): View more from California

im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

operation have a gay friend backfired

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze

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(801): View more from Utah

No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

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(925): View more from California

So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.

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(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate

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(904): View more from Florida

sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!

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(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

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(407): View more from Florida

so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.

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(310): View more from California

Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(650): View more from California

so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

(415): View more from California

What...you let him do that?

(650): View more from California

It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry

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(714): View more from California

I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.

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(916): View more from California

Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be

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(810): View more from Michigan

When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

that probably didn't help your case.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.

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(858): View more from California

my life trainwreck boards at 9:30

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(352): View more from Florida

I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5

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(740): View more from Ohio

she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

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(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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(845): View more from New York

Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.

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(251): View more from Alabama

just found the deal breaker

(1-251): View more from Alabama

hairy back?

(251): View more from Alabama

he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

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(801): View more from Utah

If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(917): View more from New York City

Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?

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(317): View more from Indiana

After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

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(716): View more from New York

who do you think you are?

(407): View more from Florida

someone who doesn't ask that question

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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(513): View more from Ohio

Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out

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(252): View more from North Carolina

This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.

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(206): View more from Washington

Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Can i come over

(240): View more from Maryland

After you called me a desperate slut? No

(240): View more from Maryland

Come over

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(210): View more from Texas

I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

(512): View more from Texas

There are margaritas in the freezer still.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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(559): View more from California

he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

New invention idea: vibrating tampons

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(303): View more from Colorado

maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...

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(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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(518): View more from New York

wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision

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(416): View more from Ontario

Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!

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(804): View more from Virginia

Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men

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(925): View more from California

Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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(205): View more from Alabama

they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"

(205): View more from Alabama

pick me up NOW

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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(908): View more from New Jersey

and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(425): View more from Washington

I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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(281): View more from Texas

he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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(785): View more from Kansas

My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.

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