Texts From Last Night · carmela

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carmela_xo's Favorites Texts:

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(716): View more from New York

The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.

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(916): View more from California

Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.

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(917): View more from New York City

she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"

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(425): View more from Washington

I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.

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(660): View more from Missouri

People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

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(208): View more from Idaho

I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(916): View more from California

They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA

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(949): View more from California

Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite

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(860): View more from Connecticut

If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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(908): View more from New Jersey

But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it

(773): View more from Illinois

It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact

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(303): View more from Colorado

If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you

(303): View more from Colorado

Seriously. Castrate.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

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(334): View more from Alabama

What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.

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(407): View more from Florida

He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?

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(818): View more from California

Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.

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(771): View more from

i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I love you football head

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

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(425): View more from Washington

I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.

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(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here

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(206): View more from Washington

She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me

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(778): View more from British Columbia

he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year

(604): View more from British Columbia

wow. THAT good huh

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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(858): View more from California

I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.

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(714): View more from California

You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

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(419): View more from Ohio

He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't

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(614): View more from Ohio

Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof

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(208): View more from Idaho

It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it

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(207): View more from Maine

I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success

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(712): View more from Iowa

ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How was the birthday sex?

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...

(732): View more from New Jersey

I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thank you for not boning my boss.

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(719): View more from Colorado

The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom

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(845): View more from New York

Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.

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(360): View more from Washington

He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.

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(312): View more from Illinois

If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do

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(845): View more from New York

My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.

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(585): View more from New York

N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.

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(323): View more from California

He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(801): View more from Utah

I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...

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(410): View more from Maryland

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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(425): View more from Washington

OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love

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(517): View more from Michigan

Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.

(1-517): View more from Michigan

Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine

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(760): View more from California

so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad

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(303): View more from Colorado

And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.

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(712): View more from Iowa

On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair

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(810): View more from Michigan

Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?

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(845): View more from New York

Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.

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(956): View more from Texas

WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(816): View more from Missouri

yeah...that's gonna come up in court

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(817): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka

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(254): View more from Texas

He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership

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(737): View more from Texas

Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.

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(205): View more from Alabama

WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES

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(209): View more from California

Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING

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(913): View more from Kansas

just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.

(712): View more from Iowa

Welcome to college.

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(917): View more from New York City

There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar

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(+61): View more from Australia

one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just feel like you're using me for sex.

(383): View more from

I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship

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(208): View more from Idaho

WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.

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(940): View more from Texas

Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

(1-443): View more from Maryland

That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he told me it was like eating gods vagina.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(303): View more from Colorado

He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.

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(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm driving while wearing hulk hands

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera

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(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

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(816): View more from Missouri

where are you?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."

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(416): View more from Toronto

At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"

(416): View more from Toronto

He was THIS close.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom

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(206): View more from Washington

I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...

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(757): View more from Virginia

You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me

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(646): View more from New York

He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.

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(247): View more from

That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.

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(253): View more from Washington

Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day

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(214): View more from Texas

Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad

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(914): View more from New York

Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.

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(727): View more from Florida

all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u

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(+61): View more from Australia

Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.

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(914): View more from New York

Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.

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(+49): View more from Germany

I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka

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(646): View more from New York

People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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(801): View more from Utah

Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?

(309): View more from Illinois

No idea. And yes be here at 4

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(310): View more from California

Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls

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(317): View more from Indiana

No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".

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(303): View more from Colorado

Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.

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(586): View more from Michigan

He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.

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(513): View more from Ohio

As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly

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(320): View more from Minnesota

So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."

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(916): View more from California

The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.

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(956): View more from Texas

Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.

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(817): View more from Texas

We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

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(925): View more from California

Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.

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(209): View more from California

I will pee on everything he values.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.

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(435): View more from Utah

If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.

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(714): View more from California

The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?

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(817): View more from Texas

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

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(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(434): View more from Virginia

Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night

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(240): View more from Maryland

did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck

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(714): View more from California

I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again

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(402): View more from Nebraska

His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.

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(702): View more from Nevada

We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.

(843): View more from South Carolina

You're the best wingman ever.

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(619): View more from California

My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.

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(352): View more from Florida

Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night

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(337): View more from Louisiana

He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"

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(619): View more from California

Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.

(213): View more from California

I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"

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(757): View more from Virginia

Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.

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(209): View more from California

Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.

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(330): View more from Ohio

At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."

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(530): View more from California

Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you

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(720): View more from Colorado

You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

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(847): View more from Illinois

It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone

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(360): View more from Washington

High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.

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(206): View more from Washington

Peanut butter balls.

(1-206): View more from Washington

IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD

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(229): View more from Georgia

It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit

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(914): View more from New York

Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".

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(303): View more from Colorado

YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES

(1-303): View more from Colorado

YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES

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(770): View more from Georgia

Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.

(678): View more from Georgia

Yea. I'm excited about this party too

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating

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(512): View more from Texas

He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.

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(716): View more from New York

The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."

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(708): View more from Illinois

It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!

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(515): View more from Iowa

Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story

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(303): View more from Colorado

I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...

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(714): View more from California

Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon

(310): View more from California

Fuck you.

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(914): View more from New York

He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike

(1-914): View more from New York

Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?

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(714): View more from California

The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.

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(210): View more from Texas

What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.

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(330): View more from Ohio

shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.

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(925): View more from California

Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.

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(845): View more from New York

He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought

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(979): View more from Texas

It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.

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(607): View more from New York

You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.

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(509): View more from Washington

He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced

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(213): View more from California

I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(210): View more from Texas

Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.

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(417): View more from Missouri

her dad gauges his nipple piercings.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?

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(805): View more from California

It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.

(1-805): View more from California

That's kinky shit dude.

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(904): View more from Florida

Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.

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(772): View more from Florida

I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

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(815): View more from Illinois

I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(641): View more from Iowa

Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.

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(518): View more from New York

he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.

(732): View more from New Jersey

do you still have it? i kinda want to see.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3

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(224): View more from Illinois

We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us

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(562): View more from California

Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night

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(973): View more from New Jersey

If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.

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(360): View more from Washington

The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(518): View more from New York

How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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(954): View more from Florida

Promise me you won't have sex in my room

(248): View more from Michigan

I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try

(248): View more from Michigan

Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(415): View more from California

I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.

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(561): View more from Florida

We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.

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(805): View more from California

The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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(909): View more from California

When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

You bought MORE?!

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(626): View more from California

Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.

(1-626): View more from California

This is why you don't have nice things.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun

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(613): View more from Ontario

He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours

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(607): View more from New York

Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

I will rub McFlurries all over you.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?

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(913): View more from Kansas

HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".

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(619): View more from California

He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying

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(520): View more from Arizona

He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Stop whining I left you with whiskey

(224): View more from Illinois

YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You'll get a boner for sure

(703): View more from Virginia

Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey

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(602): View more from Arizona

Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.

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(207): View more from Maine

Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.

(1-207): View more from Maine

They want yo temporarily sterile ass.

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(510): View more from California

Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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(512): View more from Texas

With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.

(330): View more from Ohio

Dude what the fuck...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.

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(972): View more from Texas

The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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(914): View more from New York

Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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(831): View more from California

Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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(914): View more from New York

He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(443): View more from Maryland

No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..

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(914): View more from New York

Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.

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(626): View more from California

While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.

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(303): View more from Colorado

ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or

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(607): View more from New York

Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

(315): View more from New York

I get naked cuz your not there

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(303): View more from Colorado

I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies

(1-303): View more from Colorado

You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?

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(323): View more from California

I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward

(213): View more from California

There's a lil minaj in everyone

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(801): View more from Utah

After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?

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(360): View more from Washington

Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

(360): View more from Washington

It was me.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

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(251): View more from Alabama

my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!

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(949): View more from California

Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.

(562): View more from California

The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me

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(+61): View more from Australia

It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.

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(817): View more from Texas

Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

(301): View more from Maryland

just fucking run.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.

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(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?

(651): View more from Minnesota

Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better

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(301): View more from Maryland

I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand

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(208): View more from Idaho

And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."

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(212): View more from New York

The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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(561): View more from Florida

There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy

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(830): View more from Texas

we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took

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(406): View more from Montana

All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.

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(913): View more from Kansas

To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!

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(573): View more from Missouri

So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40

(417): View more from Missouri

I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers

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(416): View more from Toronto

no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.

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(315): View more from New York

If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.

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(305): View more from Florida

Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.

(1-305): View more from Florida

God Bless cinco de mayo

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(972): View more from Texas

I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?

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(347): View more from New York

Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.

(718): View more from New York

Truth. Respect the hustle.

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(512): View more from Texas

Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon

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(248): View more from Michigan

He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.

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(309): View more from Illinois

he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(281): View more from Texas

I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass

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(703): View more from Virginia

We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to

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(404): View more from Georgia

Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry

(828): View more from North Carolina

Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.

(936): View more from Texas

As you should.

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(210): View more from Texas

I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.

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(646): View more from New York

In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair

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(313): View more from Michigan

I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?

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(989): View more from Michigan

apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.

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(801): View more from Utah

If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.

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(804): View more from Virginia

We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man

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(407): View more from Florida

Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.

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(845): View more from New York

Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(602): View more from Arizona

She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...

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(314): View more from Missouri

he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.

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(650): View more from California

Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america

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(630): View more from Illinois

230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap

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(281): View more from Texas

I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.

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(480): View more from Arizona

there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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(360): View more from Washington

You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.

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(455): View more from

As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever

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(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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(847): View more from Illinois

That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am

(248): View more from Michigan

Hahaha. That's funny.

(847): View more from Illinois

But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship

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(847): View more from Illinois

you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that actually explains a lot

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself

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(916): View more from California

No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

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(941): View more from Florida

You know i'm the father figure

(1-941): View more from Florida

Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad

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(514): View more from Quebec

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week

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(303): View more from Colorado

She's just so happy...and so naked.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

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(567): View more from Ohio

i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.

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(440): View more from Ohio

While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.

(651): View more from Minnesota

Looks like I won that one

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think

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(406): View more from Montana

I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob

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(661): View more from California

random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be naked everywhere

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(308): View more from Nebraska

And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

He looks like he'd be great Lego character.

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(214): View more from Texas

I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw

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(+55): View more from

Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.

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(315): View more from New York

Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

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(415): View more from California

She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

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(707): View more from California

She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.

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(+33): View more from France

I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."

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(406): View more from Montana

I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last

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(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.

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(949): View more from California

I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

(702): View more from Nevada

It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.

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(206): View more from Washington

We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.

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(281): View more from Texas

I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

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(518): View more from New York

Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play

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(609): View more from New Jersey

YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS

(443): View more from Maryland

I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.

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(713): View more from Texas

There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special

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(707): View more from California

Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.

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(970): View more from Colorado

That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.

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(248): View more from Michigan

my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate

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(406): View more from Montana

You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

(1-406): View more from Montana

That literally makes no sense

(406): View more from Montana

Exactly

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(310): View more from California

Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?

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(757): View more from Virginia

where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather

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(410): View more from Maryland

fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?

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(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.

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(348): View more from

Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

(1-348): View more from

You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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(214): View more from Texas

As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

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(941): View more from Florida

We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.

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(916): View more from California

But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.

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(646): View more from New York

This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie

(347): View more from New York

It's not

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(318): View more from Louisiana

She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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(937): View more from Ohio

When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(213): View more from California

Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??

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(404): View more from Georgia

I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.

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(813): View more from Florida

Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.

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(515): View more from Iowa

nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right

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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.

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(303): View more from Colorado

why does he always try to puke into shot glasses

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(843): View more from South Carolina

you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time

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(203): View more from Connecticut

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS

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(913): View more from Kansas

Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...

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(503): View more from Oregon

You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet

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(313): View more from Michigan

Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(314): View more from Missouri

I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.

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(971): View more from Oregon

You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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(530): View more from California

It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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(325): View more from Texas

You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.

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(214): View more from Texas

you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.

(816): View more from Missouri

Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from

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(770): View more from Georgia

After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.

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(713): View more from Texas

We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

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(530): View more from California

The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice

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(503): View more from Oregon

If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.

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(971): View more from Oregon

he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out

(916): View more from California

you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.

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(559): View more from California

she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends

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(209): View more from California

Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude. Do it.

(678): View more from Georgia

Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy

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(229): View more from Georgia

I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.

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(315): View more from New York

After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.

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(845): View more from New York

I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again

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(678): View more from Georgia

This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

(847): View more from Illinois

Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

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(804): View more from Virginia

by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(330): View more from Ohio

tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(478): View more from Georgia

You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable

(318): View more from Louisiana

You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.

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(303): View more from Colorado

But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"

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(646): View more from New York

Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

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(812): View more from Indiana

You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.

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(914): View more from New York

He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop

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(518): View more from New York

#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.

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