Texts From Last Night · harrismc9's Favorites

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(650): View more from California

Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And by one day I mean once every two weeks.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(718): View more from New York

There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.

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(760): View more from California

I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?

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(518): View more from New York

He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.

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(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

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(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

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(970): View more from Colorado

dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..

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(512): View more from Texas

If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.

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(773): View more from Illinois

once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up

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(253): View more from Washington

Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?

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(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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(720): View more from Colorado

If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(440): View more from Ohio

If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(813): View more from Florida

thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not

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(314): View more from Missouri

I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(402): View more from Nebraska

P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(619): View more from California

FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??

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(409): View more from Texas

Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(786): View more from Florida

you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

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(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.

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(858): View more from California

Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out

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(478): View more from Georgia

Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.

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(917): View more from New York City

Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here

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(614): View more from Ohio

just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.

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(561): View more from Florida

So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?

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(909): View more from California

so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.

(1-909): View more from California

I worship thee.

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(315): View more from New York

idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me

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(513): View more from Ohio

She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(631): View more from New York

Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(503): View more from Oregon

I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.

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(630): View more from Illinois

there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?

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(563): View more from Iowa

Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(678): View more from Georgia

As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(716): View more from New York

There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair

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(630): View more from Illinois

We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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(845): View more from New York

I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(816): View more from Missouri

he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life

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(281): View more from Texas

We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.

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(775): View more from Nevada

My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times

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(705): View more from Ontario

You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(301): View more from Maryland

Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.

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(904): View more from Florida

So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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(217): View more from Illinois

it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.

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(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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(360): View more from Washington

He made me a "booty call of the year" award.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(602): View more from Arizona

At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"

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(808): View more from Hawaii

she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous

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(847): View more from Illinois

Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?

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(716): View more from New York

I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious

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(740): View more from Ohio

Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up

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(347): View more from New York

your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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(209): View more from California

You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(217): View more from Illinois

dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.

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(971): View more from Oregon

No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,

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(541): View more from Oregon

side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.

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(708): View more from Illinois

she fell through a window trying to flash someone

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

As in ill only blow him next week

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm

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(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(563): View more from Iowa

If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

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(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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(650): View more from California

She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(904): View more from Florida

i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(518): View more from New York

im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty

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(402): View more from Nebraska

4 words: hood of his car

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(415): View more from California

The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?

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(410): View more from Maryland

He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yo dont text me then not text me

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(253): View more from Washington

You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.

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(404): View more from Georgia

A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.

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(636): View more from Missouri

It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

did i?

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(817): View more from Texas

Should I hook up with a slut its your call

(713): View more from Texas

Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.

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(631): View more from New York

She told me I should be a condom model.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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(254): View more from Texas

In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

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(713): View more from Texas

As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..

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(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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(773): View more from Illinois

If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.

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(239): View more from Florida

I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.

(727): View more from Florida

More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(416): View more from Toronto

He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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(214): View more from Texas

Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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(847): View more from Illinois

I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.

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(714): View more from California

I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?

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(303): View more from Colorado

she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(410): View more from Maryland

9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

(614): View more from Ohio

ya and it worked didnt it??

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Only if they know about it too.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(650): View more from California

I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(425): View more from Washington

i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(914): View more from New York

im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj

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(913): View more from Kansas

We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?

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