Texts From Last Night · ldenenholz11's Favorites

ldenenholz11's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.

Fav 1 1278 566
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.

Fav 0 724 604
share tweet

(732): View more from New Jersey

She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.

Fav 3 1595 632
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time

Fav 3 1835 1282
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

Fav 4 2493 842
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read

Fav 1 1489 702
share tweet

(860): View more from Connecticut

people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids

Fav 2 2171 649
share tweet

(813): View more from Florida

I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.

Fav 3 1307 782
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.

Fav 1 1536 1012
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter

Fav 6 2036 993
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.

Fav 7 1551 852
share tweet

(757): View more from Virginia

he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire

Fav 5 1610 712
share tweet

(617): View more from Massachusetts

my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.

Fav 3 1434 893
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...

Fav 1 977 730
share tweet

(502): View more from Kentucky

You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.

Fav 1 1288 684
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.

Fav 2 1628 764
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.

(1+61): View more from

Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.

Fav 5 2029 1007
share tweet
(323): View more from California

We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.

Fav 4 1240 767
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.

Fav 1 1026 1750
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

Fav 2 1880 899
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

Fav 8 2245 891
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

Fav 23 3339 1069
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.

Fav 8 1604 728
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.

Fav 6 1615 757
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.

Fav 9 3036 838
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.

Fav 10 1586 735
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"

Fav 6 2080 943
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?

Fav 7 1351 987
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

Fav 3 2222 928
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever

Fav 3 1430 701
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.

Fav 9 2166 757
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.

Fav 2 1267 883
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.

Fav 3 2016 810
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.

Fav 6 1718 745
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

I wish I could understand how you function in society

Fav 4 1897 842
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.

Fav 15 2823 874
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.

Fav 8 1372 772
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.

Fav 8 1414 776
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.

Fav 2 1559 740
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me

Fav 16 3228 865
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.

Fav 19 1035 1515
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.

Fav 11 785 1836
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.

Fav 3 2537 744
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.

Fav 7 1633 1148
share tweet
(916): View more from California

No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.

Fav 12 4097 1496
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!

Fav 16 1923 990
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.

Fav 5 2596 1330
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.

(303): View more from Colorado

God I adore you.

Fav 2 1470 833
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.

Fav 4 1240 799
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT

Fav 6 1741 733
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding

Fav 7 839 1341
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.

Fav 3 1131 579
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.

Fav 13 827 1948
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

Fav 10 3932 1052
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.

Fav 15 1967 749
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.

Fav 4 1796 831
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...

Fav 7 1728 781
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it

Fav 4 1384 807
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.

Fav 5 1759 1116
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way

Fav 19 2587 936
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.

Fav 2 1029 654
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."

Fav 2 1169 1022
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.

Fav 7 1403 772
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN

Fav 12 1737 920
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

Fav 7 3022 837
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now

Fav 11 2200 805
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

Fav 8 2121 841
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.

Fav 12 2669 1271
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

Fav 20 4019 975
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.

Fav 4 1462 668
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.

Fav 6 1244 780
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive

Fav 9 2382 1000
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?

Fav 23 1422 1157
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.

Fav 21 8127 1519
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere

Fav 7 826 1543
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

Fav 20 3789 2097
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.

Fav 5 1974 764
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs

Fav 14 1338 1159
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

Fav 5 5968 1382
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

Fav 14 4683 1226
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

Fav 8 5430 1469
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab

Fav 8 1052 1714
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room

Fav 20 3883 1023
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

Fav 6 2295 814
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook

Fav 5 1811 758
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.

Fav 2 1762 723
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

Fav 18 2297 963
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.

Fav 6 1362 669
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.

Fav 6 1648 700
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress

Fav 4 1354 623
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

Fav 9 3055 959
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.

Fav 4 940 1813
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best

Fav 6 1876 711
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Sorry my hands just texted you

Fav 4 1349 769
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.

Fav 7 1989 694
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I feel strange, like something is off with my body

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days

Fav 3 1895 806
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat

(1-631): View more from New York

SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.

Fav 5 1597 763
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.

Fav 10 1359 760
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life

Fav 5 1536 693
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

Fav 9 1543 860
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.

Fav 6 2417 1180
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover

Fav 15 5477 1408
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.

Fav 4 1621 1078
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.

Fav 5 1698 944
share tweet
(916): View more from California

1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

(707): View more from California

*roof

Fav 6 2100 798
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend

Fav 13 1380 781
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.

Fav 14 2338 1147
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds

Fav 5 1319 939
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.

Fav 4 2010 825
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

Fav 10 1890 3771
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!

Fav 7 1308 1825
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us

Fav 13 1734 3221
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

Fav 39 8878 1602
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.

Fav 4 1361 669
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.

Fav 7 757 1667
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.

Fav 4 1647 682
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?

Fav 15 1802 729
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

Fav 9 4406 1234
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.

Fav 4 2002 711
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'

Fav 11 2220 833
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.

Fav 14 3472 835
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought

Fav 7 3154 859
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.

Fav 9 1934 910
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.

Fav 12 1791 782
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

Fav 9 3243 1148
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

Fav 11 3575 1012
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

Fav 24 4407 1016
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store

Fav 7 1234 664
share tweet
(310): View more from California

That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch

Fav 2 2697 849
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.

Fav 9 1477 746
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.

Fav 5 1940 1148
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Touche salesman.

Fav 2 1376 791
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.

Fav 9 1943 825
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

Fav 17 1272 2284
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.

Fav 4 2238 873
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife

(440): View more from Ohio

My tits sealed my fate

Fav 9 1111 1101
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

Fav 8 2793 986
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.

Fav 11 2684 903
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future

Fav 9 2832 843
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?

Fav 22 1057 2884
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat

(830): View more from Texas

You are so not ready for motherhood

Fav 3 1256 2083
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me

Fav 7 1105 2590
share tweet
(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

Fav 14 4900 1525
share tweet
(951): View more from California

She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.

Fav 11 2418 1112
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.

Fav 4 3915 820
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"

Fav 11 2875 957
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.

Fav 1 1025 1963
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training

Fav 5 1884 902
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

Fav 14 8903 1453
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.

Fav 14 3478 1124
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

Fav 58 9170 1275
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

Fav 23 6996 1200
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.

Fav 96 1653 4921
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.

Fav 1 2564 1072
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.

Fav 5 2436 945
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses

Fav 6 2670 1147
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.

Fav 19 3244 1089
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo

Fav 14 1101 2077
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.

Fav 8 2917 1176
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.

Fav 6 1908 1128
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

Fav 10 3328 1592
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet

Fav 5 2442 932
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

Fav 8 5232 1091
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...

Fav 24 4887 1857
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

Fav 13 6127 1432
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.

Fav 10 3817 1693
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.

Fav 21 1497 5812
share tweet
(650): View more from California

they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

Fav 6 7883 1312
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

Fav 51 8768 2029
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

Fav 27 2597 5248
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

Fav 22 1742 6574
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22409 3677
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.

Fav 1 2078 897
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.

Fav 6 2573 843
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

Fav 8 4473 1581
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller

Fav 6 1507 2494
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.

Fav 6 3029 1009
share tweet
(323): View more from California

He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated

Fav 7 3369 1095
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

Fav 34 6462 1420
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE

Fav 11 1569 3002
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

Fav 7 3058 911
share tweet
(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

Fav 6 1378 2741
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

Fav 18 4885 1268
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

Fav 10 6678 1483
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down

Fav 4 3088 1043
share tweet
(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

Fav 9 6193 1397
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

Fav 23 6117 1556
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street

Fav 7 1214 2439
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.

Fav 5 3030 1010
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

Fav 8 2781 1205
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

Fav 9 4108 1028
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

Fav 10 3753 1274
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

Fav 6 3689 974
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm

Fav 2 3242 1005
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals

Fav 59 3926 3353
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

Fav 91 4662 16954
share tweet
(858): View more from California

last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"

Fav 42 6356 1127
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key

(631): View more from New York

had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.

Fav 21 1231 1157
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

Fav 61 15122 1525
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance

Fav 10 4783 827
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

Fav 35 1789 3182
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.

Fav 21 1393 4199
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome

Fav 23 5160 1143
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here

Fav 2 2510 1047
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

Fav 8 5825 1504
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.

Fav 11 1234 5812
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

Fav 21 4741 1525
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink

Fav 19 4290 1417
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

Fav 10 3345 1139
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.

Fav 4 2969 1108
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

Fav 3 4399 1460
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

Fav 11 4752 1332
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"

Fav 4 2399 1187
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.

Fav 4 3877 1035
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water

Fav 6 2937 1253
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?

Fav 7 2468 1125
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.

Fav 2 2241 1170
share tweet
(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

Fav 13 4249 1645
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?

Fav 8 3661 1122
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

Fav 17 4704 1457
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles

Fav 13 2828 1272
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.

Fav 18 3730 1254
share tweet
(415): View more from California

dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint

Fav 5 1464 2669
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

Fav 28 4186 6034
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

Fav 30 10993 1278
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

Fav 12 8223 1408
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

Fav 4 3890 1254
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

Fav 15 4769 1258
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

Fav 15 5317 1393
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.

Fav 13 3838 1117
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"

Fav 7 1627 2275
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?

Fav 6 2510 964
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!

Fav 12 4588 1242
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

Fav 4 5495 1378
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.

Fav 9 2730 1087
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.

Fav 4 3004 1115
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.

Fav 10 2713 1570
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

Fav 10 4021 1467
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?

Fav 5 2342 1104
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.

Fav 4 3571 1047
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere

Fav 7 2698 1070
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

Fav 9 4649 1490
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.

Fav 12 3736 2024
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own

Fav 11 2005 3930
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher

Fav 16 2630 2861
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'

Fav 4 2449 1012
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.

Fav 1 2298 1044
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets

Fav 7 1466 2377
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.

Fav 7 1575 3609
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.

Fav 9 1457 2081
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.

Fav 19 4332 1350
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose

Fav 9 3414 979
share tweet
(626): View more from California

and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22

Fav 3 3475 1324
share tweet
(707): View more from California

And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.

Fav 13 1679 4413
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

Fav 15 4900 4359
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.

Fav 2 4096 1004
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back

Fav 10 5156 1290
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

Fav 14 4265 1230
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.

Fav 10 3963 1193
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

Fav 19 5699 2560
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

Fav 46 9150 1549
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him

Fav 19 5537 1453
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop

Fav 22 1437 4581
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

Fav 78 13027 1232
share tweet
(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

Fav 32 8949 1706
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?

(760): View more from California

You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.

Fav 27 4655 1039
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

Fav 29 10385 1244
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.

Fav 2 3508 1530
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

Fav 7 9239 1166
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere

Fav 10 3686 1658
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.

Fav 23 7587 1339
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

Fav 30 6464 1316
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.

Fav 17 5129 976
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

Fav 34 8167 1051
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.

Fav 3 3088 1149
share tweet
(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

Fav 6 4308 1038
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.

Fav 8 4267 1005
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.

Fav 19 4355 1525
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

Fav 18 6929 1478
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!

Fav 14 3378 1313
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

Fav 10 3670 1938
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

Fav 5 4038 1208
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.

Fav 3 4031 1240
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.

Fav 11 2177 1345
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again

Fav 3 2579 1087
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

Fav 4 3767 1025
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".

Fav 12 2780 1314
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

Fav 6 3069 1583
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.

Fav 4 1865 1204
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...

Fav 3 1864 1063
share tweet
(530): View more from California

he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.

Fav 11 2745 1251
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.

Fav 7 2844 1158
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

Fav 14 7535 1511
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

Fav 17 9489 1645
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.

Fav 5 1430 3430
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

Fav 83 41217 2672
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one

Fav 3 1728 730
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties

Fav 9 3060 1259
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.

Fav 4 2717 1298
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.

Fav 14 4704 1199
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.

Fav 7 3630 1453
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

Fav 19 6204 1572
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no

Fav 15 2905 1614
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.

Fav 2 2467 1262
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

Fav 22 4359 2292
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church

Fav 3 1167 3087
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?

Fav 9 1215 5627
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

Fav 5 3369 1165
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.

Fav 17 3991 1746
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.

Fav 3 2530 1180
share tweet
(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

Fav 10 5012 1305
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

Fav 6 5735 1501
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

Fav 37 1591 5565
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

Fav 58 12694 1530
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

Fav 14 5461 1637
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend

Fav 2 2833 1202
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

Fav 12 7414 1954
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

Fav 16 8867 1749
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.

Fav 19 6214 1136
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.

Fav 12 1618 4890
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

Fav 69 9954 3436
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

Fav 29 4737 1447
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

Fav 13 6735 1489
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.

Fav 3 2937 1238
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

Fav 2 3790 1251
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone

Fav 3 3079 978
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

Fav 16 2178 2962
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.

Fav 24 1820 3080
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.

Fav 5 3946 1263
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.

Fav 9 2610 1354
share tweet
(789): View more from

Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.

Fav 4 2518 944
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

Fav 9 5590 1262
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

Fav 18 6506 1701
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

Fav 5 3044 1251
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

Fav 12 8378 1439
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

Fav 13 6140 1367
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.

Fav 7 3070 1542
share tweet
(510): View more from California

You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink

Fav 3 3096 1045
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

Fav 12 4193 1231
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

Fav 6 2278 2879
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

Fav 8 3546 1093
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?

Fav 4 1776 1028
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention

Fav 6 1736 1141
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.

Fav 3 2655 1092
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.

Fav 7 3367 1084
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT

Fav 6 3059 968
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

Fav 21 5847 3066
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

Fav 13 6767 1619
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

Fav 19 7262 1484
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.

Fav 4 1344 2800
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

Fav 6 3317 1148
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight

Fav 3 2672 1010
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.

Fav 14 1458 3585
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

Fav 4 5522 1504
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel

Fav 3 1224 1951
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

Fav 4 3261 1376
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

Fav 32 9912 1349
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze

Fav 13 5008 1741
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

Fav 32 9939 2305
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.

Fav 37 2519 1134
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN

Fav 26 852 3344
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring

Fav 9 2568 1042
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..

Fav 2 3411 1638
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

Fav 84 1855 11436
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.

Fav 12 3478 1323
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.

Fav 3 2642 863
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

Fav 16 6008 1373
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.

Fav 10 5178 1212
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.

Fav 8 2636 1331
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function

Fav 9 2903 1381
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.

Fav 16 1419 4217
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..

Fav 20 1770 4608
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

Fav 9 1754 4851
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

Fav 8 7603 1191
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

Fav 7 3836 2033
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.

(440): View more from Ohio

anything for my little brother.

Fav 6 5386 1129
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.

Fav 11 1064 3902
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

Fav 11 3428 1413
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

Fav 21 7632 1610
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.

Fav 26 1186 6567
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.

Fav 6 3483 1691
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick

Fav 17 6279 1472
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.

Fav 10 1896 2538
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.

Fav 5 2392 1097
share tweet
(916): View more from California

She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.

Fav 14 1196 2831
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

Fav 12 4212 1468
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

Fav 6 3588 1305
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.

Fav 7 3253 1334
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

Fav 11 3969 1809
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

Fav 5 1762 3466
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

Fav 11 5022 1487
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading

Fav 21 3555 1200
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had

Fav 28 1898 4357
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

Fav 11 5632 1465
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

Fav 15 5367 1808
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.

Fav 4 2824 1154
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?

Fav 6 4060 1163
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame

Fav 14 3641 1401
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.

Fav 17 4353 1451
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no

Fav 8 2888 1229
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair

Fav 2 2425 1464
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?

Fav 20 3028 1352
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.

Fav 7 3328 1403
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

Fav 18 8621 1351
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

Fav 12 5907 1414
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.

Fav 8 2839 1013
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.

Fav 8 2668 1137
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day

Fav 10 3679 1216
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

Fav 12 4294 1832
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

Fav 8 4045 1226
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

Fav 9 4781 1171
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I will fight anything that is not spinning right now

Fav 9 2961 1276
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift

Fav 19 4579 1643
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

Fav 15 8717 1478
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

Fav 8 5964 1178
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

Fav 27 6218 1568
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

Fav 20 7666 1294
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

Fav 20 8427 1469
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp

Fav 32 2307 4828
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

Fav 15 5355 1271
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

Fav 9 6413 1133
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

You better have your party panties on Saturday!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Why only Saturday?

(205): View more from Alabama

Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.

Fav 26 4483 1320
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

Fav 9 2591 6922
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.

Fav 13 1699 7002
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

Fav 19 6772 1163
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again

Fav 83 958 3514
share tweet
(559): View more from California

i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...

(559): View more from California

...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!

Fav 29 7370 1216
share tweet
(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

Fav 23 7118 1809
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.

Fav 20 901 2800
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze

Fav 14 5847 1212
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

Fav 14 1805 6052
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

Fav 18 8393 2641
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.

Fav 19 959 5873
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover

Fav 5 3538 1877
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

Fav 7 4663 1379
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.

Fav 71 7428 1231
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

Fav 43 8073 1916
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.

Fav 15 3086 1477
share tweet
(650): View more from California

You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...

Fav 3 3327 1292
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

Fav 31 11901 1552
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.

Fav 34 2249 1033
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.

Fav 16 4894 1189
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.

Fav 8 3630 1478
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.

Fav 3 3042 1301
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?

Fav 14 3494 2007
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive

Fav 1 3126 1267
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

Fav 33 4531 1739
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

Fav 15 7400 1221
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?

Fav 12 2693 1428
share tweet
(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

Fav 22 6406 2051
share tweet
(530): View more from California

And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?

Fav 6 2196 1304
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88709 9682
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53079 3393
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3010
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5489
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76379 3427
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115824 11197
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146097 10747
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

Fav 15 2070 4748
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

Fav 16 4971 1316
share tweet
(661): View more from California

is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?

Fav 31 6425 1325
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.

Fav 19 1352 7076
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

Fav 17 5459 1717
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

Fav 70 7381 1213
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

Fav 6 3782 1269
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky

Fav 24 3253 827
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

Fav 10 5241 1285
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

Fav 37 7702 2473
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.

Fav 28 3794 1937
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

Fav 36 8053 1839
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.

Fav 37 1431 5374
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".

Fav 27 6516 1567
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Sorry, I don't speak sober.

Fav 8 4483 936
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol

Fav 79 5003 2085
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Princesses don't give blow jobs

Fav 69 2669 5468
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house

Fav 11 12648 1170
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.

Fav 20 7157 1054
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

Fav 15 7501 1514
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

Fav 47 2196 7564
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too

Fav 9 4704 1366
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.

Fav 12 2808 1630
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

Fav 7 4309 1562
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

Fav 13 7386 2404
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

Fav 15 8576 1602
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

Fav 10 5372 1494
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

Fav 14 6094 1641
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

Fav 12 5515 1495
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

Fav 29 7314 1616
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

Fav 58 8561 2273
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me

Fav 15 1373 2826
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

Fav 22 4927 2075
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

Fav 33 8507 1788
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

Fav 76 22592 1879
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.

Fav 4 1617 2283
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny

Fav 23 2914 1407
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!

Fav 26 5573 1207
share tweet
(209): View more from California

kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.

Fav 23 5651 1216
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

Fav 19 5599 944
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

Fav 26 13590 1717
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".

Fav 39 1172 3609
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

Fav 13 5535 1679
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I haven't been this sober since birth.

Fav 15 1464 2973
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.

Fav 13 1709 2618
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.

Fav 10 5740 1139
share tweet
(310): View more from California

so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.

Fav 7 4156 1291
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

Fav 19 4741 1290
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

Fav 30 16447 2139
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you

Fav 9 5119 1174
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

Fav 85 4005 40868
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

Fav 29 17913 1675
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21532 1605
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

Fav 61 19439 1815
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it

Fav 40 1466 9608
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.

Fav 40 1803 10221
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

Fav 20 5233 1587
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.

Fav 25 7990 1661
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

Fav 18 8469 1464
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.

Fav 8 3684 1042
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.

Fav 51 6889 1420
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

Fav 27 8855 1630
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.

Fav 26 5372 1531
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...

Fav 14 6037 1175
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37317 1624
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

Fav 30 12039 1160
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

Fav 17 6775 1180
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!

Fav 63 8486 3669
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

Fav 26 1553 6299
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

Fav 16 9052 1680
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

Fav 75 5863 1198
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"

Fav 16 5459 1729
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.

Fav 33 6866 1238
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?

(816): View more from Missouri

Most never. Some around 65.

Fav 22 2556 984
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

Fav 14 5681 1602
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

Fav 46 14033 1758
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

Fav 65 18031 1278
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

Fav 36 5614 1262
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.

Fav 5 3236 1147
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

Fav 15 3481 1656
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

So can I buy you a drink sometime?

(206): View more from Washington

Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.

Fav 28 1527 8084
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11788 1401
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

Fav 9 4584 1105
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

Fav 32 2174 7995
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

Fav 10 5696 1159
share tweet
(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

Fav 24 7181 2152
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

Fav 42 6286 1722
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.

Fav 5 4998 1258
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M

Fav 34 1161 10934
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

Fav 15 10193 1426
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

Fav 9 7836 1461
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.

(937): View more from Ohio

Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!

Fav 19 4644 841
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.

Fav 40 1849 2081
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

Fav 22 2404 1184
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk

Fav 5 2810 975
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?

Fav 22 1428 6083
share tweet