Texts From Last Night · maddz's Favorites

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maddz's Favorites Texts:

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(254): View more from Texas

it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(936): View more from Texas

He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship

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(904): View more from Florida

He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

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(770): View more from Georgia

it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat

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(703): View more from Virginia

its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out

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(205): View more from Alabama

During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?

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(678): View more from Georgia

I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(512): View more from Texas

There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(815): View more from Illinois

come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.

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(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(248): View more from Michigan

Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much

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(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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(618): View more from Illinois

It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.

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(806): View more from Texas

Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day

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(210): View more from Texas

READY

(1-210): View more from Texas

for what?

(210): View more from Texas

TO HAVE SEXXXX

(1-210): View more from Texas

i think you have the wrong number

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(302): View more from Delaware

Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?

(845): View more from New York

Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.

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(661): View more from California

this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

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(925): View more from California

Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What happened?....

(304): View more from West Virginia

He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

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(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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(718): View more from New York

There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...

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(734): View more from Michigan

I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.

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(727): View more from Florida

It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Clearly I made an impression.

(404): View more from Georgia

Or at least your vagina did.

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(913): View more from Kansas

you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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(204): View more from Manitoba

He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.

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(714): View more from California

Who was that guy you went home with?

(1-714): View more from California

Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(650): View more from California

on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

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(360): View more from Washington

I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.

(1-360): View more from Washington

That changes everything.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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(917): View more from New York City

giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(914): View more from New York

when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(517): View more from Michigan

They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."

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(248): View more from Michigan

I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'

(708): View more from Illinois

such a stalker...

(248): View more from Michigan

she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(404): View more from Georgia

you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you have to choose: penises or morals?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you want to re-phrase that?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.

(201): View more from New Jersey

I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(530): View more from California

He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?

(609): View more from New Jersey

And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud

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(585): View more from New York

I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(949): View more from California

i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?

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(630): View more from Illinois

his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(706): View more from Georgia

dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(847): View more from Illinois

At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.

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(514): View more from Quebec

She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses

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(831): View more from California

I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?

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(407): View more from Florida

he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

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(574): View more from Indiana

my professor just said "the power of the situation"

(216): View more from Ohio

drink

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Sacagawea was the original milf.

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(917): View more from New York City

we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

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(518): View more from New York

He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"

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(678): View more from Georgia

My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

her facebook's as public as her vagina

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(256): View more from Alabama

We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.

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(619): View more from California

You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.

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(702): View more from Nevada

He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(410): View more from Maryland

She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.

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(613): View more from Ontario

i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.

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(917): View more from New York City

I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.

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(979): View more from Texas

Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

good thing vaginas are great cup holders

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(903): View more from Texas

her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.

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(954): View more from Florida

He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.

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(540): View more from Virginia

birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

(703): View more from Virginia

I'm on my period, period, period

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Her vagina smelled like bad decisions

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(301): View more from Maryland

why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

did you fuck him yet?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?

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(206): View more from Washington

Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(661): View more from California

so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp

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(616): View more from Michigan

those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

(815): View more from Illinois

we live in such a classy society.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

(320): View more from Minnesota

Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(310): View more from California

Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on

(1-310): View more from California

I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.

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(847): View more from Illinois

she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides

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(818): View more from California

I'm like cupid

(1-818): View more from California

You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(251): View more from Alabama

I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf

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(913): View more from Kansas

"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.

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(516): View more from New York

Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes

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(925): View more from California

we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

(707): View more from California

dude you teach first grade wtf

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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(916): View more from California

i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...

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(630): View more from Illinois

he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage

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(317): View more from Indiana

sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".

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(512): View more from Texas

Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(386): View more from Florida

he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"

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(631): View more from New York

just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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(916): View more from California

keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend

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(248): View more from Michigan

My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(585): View more from New York

she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

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(614): View more from Ohio

her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(650): View more from California

last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

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(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

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(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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