Texts From Last Night · major_creepy69's Favorites

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.

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(905): View more from Ontario

yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds

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(253): View more from Washington

Pants off. Spirits lifted.

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(619): View more from California

I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?

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(212): View more from New York

LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.

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(214): View more from Texas

I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?

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(269): View more from Michigan

Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.

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(585): View more from New York

Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night

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(330): View more from Ohio

We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.

(330): View more from Ohio

It's hard to explain...

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(248): View more from Michigan

So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality

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(417): View more from Missouri

I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.

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(253): View more from Washington

For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.

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(801): View more from Utah

It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).

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(917): View more from New York City

I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning

(1-917): View more from New York City

I love you more by the minute

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.

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(352): View more from Florida

Do you have paint?

(727): View more from Florida

Paint? I wish

(727): View more from Florida

OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink

(815): View more from Illinois

I care about my drink far more than her feelings

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(540): View more from Virginia

Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there

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(319): View more from Iowa

God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real

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(518): View more from New York

And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building

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(226): View more from Ontario

I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...

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(708): View more from Illinois

Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.

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(229): View more from Georgia

You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them

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(210): View more from Texas

Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

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(614): View more from Ohio

Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(845): View more from New York

she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave

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(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

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(810): View more from Michigan

its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU

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(908): View more from New Jersey

HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I wish they made people sized litter boxes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

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(480): View more from Arizona

I would never do this in real life. It's only college.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...

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(949): View more from California

i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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(720): View more from Colorado

I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.

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(616): View more from Michigan

EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(949): View more from California

Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.

(562): View more from California

The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?

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(678): View more from Georgia

I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead

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(+61): View more from Australia

The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow

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(970): View more from Colorado

But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"

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(757): View more from Virginia

Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(713): View more from Texas

I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral

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(647): View more from Ontario

hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.

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(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

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(563): View more from Iowa

i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.

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(312): View more from Illinois

We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.

(248): View more from Michigan

Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?

(312): View more from Illinois

But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor

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(916): View more from California

We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(214): View more from Texas

you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.

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(312): View more from Illinois

so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?

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(248): View more from Michigan

i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

and i looked up. we had an audience...

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(313): View more from Michigan

The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(575): View more from New Mexico

This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.

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(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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(972): View more from Texas

Hey man sorry I got all grabby

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(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink

(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver

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(281): View more from Texas

And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.

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(914): View more from New York

Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

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(909): View more from California

Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

good thing vaginas are great cup holders

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(314): View more from Missouri

I think i peed on brittanys purse

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was

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(727): View more from Florida

Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals

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(248): View more from Michigan

So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.

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(863): View more from Florida

In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us

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(480): View more from Arizona

Lets date for the summer

(815): View more from Illinois

what?

(480): View more from Arizona

Dont love me in September.

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(360): View more from Washington

Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(518): View more from New York

He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity

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(716): View more from New York

i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control

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(407): View more from Florida

If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke

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(905): View more from Ontario

today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(909): View more from California

I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.

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(512): View more from Texas

I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted

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(858): View more from California

WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

(760): View more from California

You're High aren't you?

(858): View more from California

Sooooo high

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(315): View more from New York

My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.

(1-315): View more from New York

I fucking hate you.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"

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(956): View more from Texas

Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with

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(757): View more from Virginia

I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.

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(561): View more from Florida

We're facebook friends in real life

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(518): View more from New York

hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

my mouth tastes like poor choices

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.

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(619): View more from California

My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.

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(925): View more from California

Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

(1-925): View more from California

Yes. Yes it is.

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(818): View more from California

I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.

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(510): View more from California

I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

(1-510): View more from California

Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend

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(914): View more from New York

ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol

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(314): View more from Missouri

Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.

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(415): View more from California

Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.

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(607): View more from New York

This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.

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(206): View more from Washington

He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.

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(979): View more from Texas

i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.

(903): View more from Texas

wow. i have no words.

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(925): View more from California

Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.

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(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

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(802): View more from Vermont

it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it

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(916): View more from California

Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be

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(303): View more from Colorado

why im i the only drunk person in the library?

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.

(1-857): View more from Massachusetts

Doors?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own

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(210): View more from Texas

The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off

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(360): View more from Washington

there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am

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(805): View more from California

someone threw a dead crab at me

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(256): View more from Alabama

I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

(747): View more from California

Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions

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(516): View more from New York

is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?

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(210): View more from Texas

Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.

(936): View more from Texas

As you should.

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(646): View more from New York

In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.

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(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.

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(647): View more from Ontario

She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude my mom stole all your condoms

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.

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(425): View more from Washington

...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.

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(719): View more from Colorado

That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case

(573): View more from Missouri

WTF.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist

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(330): View more from Ohio

I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face

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(315): View more from New York

Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men

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(312): View more from Illinois

dude, your ex-bf is on match.com

(847): View more from Illinois

details on that.

(312): View more from Illinois

well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first

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(904): View more from Florida

i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy

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(613): View more from Ontario

you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved

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(703): View more from Virginia

Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days

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(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...

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(714): View more from California

you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.

(314): View more from Missouri

Come down off the roof.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus

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(214): View more from Texas

I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.

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(707): View more from California

He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair

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(310): View more from California

If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

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(941): View more from Florida

The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo

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(217): View more from Illinois

his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs

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(727): View more from Florida

And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..

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(905): View more from Toronto

In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Except there is my pee all over the walls now

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.

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(801): View more from Utah

He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(708): View more from Illinois

eww mummy girl is here...

(931): View more from Tennessee

what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(706): View more from Georgia

If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.

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(406): View more from Montana

also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(740): View more from Ohio

If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...

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(810): View more from Michigan

Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

That's why Kanye is a gay fish.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

whose oscar?

(203): View more from Connecticut

the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(651): View more from Minnesota

you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now

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(775): View more from Nevada

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

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(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(419): View more from Ohio

Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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