Texts From Last Night · mariahkay's Favorites

Sorry duxy9 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

mariahkay's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(910): View more from North Carolina

Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.

Fav 8 2029 714
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time

Fav 0 1275 644
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

Fav 12 2269 780
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

just woke up under a car ? That's odd

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Holy fucking shit

(845): View more from New York

WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

Fav 8 3570 938
share tweet
(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

Fav 3 3266 961
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.

Fav 5 2209 884
share tweet

(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

Fav 11 8057 1428
share tweet

(229): View more from Georgia

She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.

Fav 10 1602 905
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

Fav 7 1664 767
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...

Fav 4 1779 972
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

Fav 6 2691 881
share tweet

(614): View more from Ohio

The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.

Fav 15 1910 870
share tweet

(425): View more from Washington

Where the royal fuck are you??

(1-425): View more from Washington

The depths of vodka hell.

Fav 13 2513 1029
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs

Fav 5 805 1490
share tweet

(314): View more from Missouri

No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.

Fav 2 1660 721
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

Fav 5 2585 960
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.

Fav 3 1630 770
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say

Fav 6 2433 834
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

Fav 1 2323 985
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Everything hurts.

Fav 10 1966 731
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

Fav 29 2461 1703
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.

Fav 4 2441 1013
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.

Fav 2 1664 1013
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

Fav 8 2920 1070
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

Fav 7 3738 970
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

Fav 11 3193 941
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.

Fav 7 2647 929
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

Fav 5 2580 1008
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.

Fav 36 5193 933
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

Fav 8 3577 1005
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

Fav 2 1126 1898
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

Fav 3 4444 1042
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

Fav 7 6613 1469
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

Fav 31 4802 5709
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

Fav 4 3468 1146
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.

Fav 4 2233 1538
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

Fav 3 3950 1141
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult

Fav 5 1525 919
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

Fav 6 3569 1057
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

Fav 16 6771 1326
share tweet
(323): View more from California

forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell

(310): View more from California

my version of bright and sunny.

Fav 4 2124 855
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.

Fav 12 2320 1893
share tweet
(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

Fav 11 8424 1470
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone

Fav 11 2932 909
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once

(1-440): View more from Ohio

that is the greatest description ever

Fav 9 2507 720
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

Fav 8 4869 1156
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.

Fav 14 6247 1718
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.

Fav 2 2490 1067
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

Fav 14 4782 1285
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

Fav 33 7789 1422
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?

Fav 13 2763 1611
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.

Fav 8 2129 1378
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.

Fav 6 2683 1655
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

Fav 15 4770 1258
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

Fav 19 5576 1225
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things

Fav 11 1464 2951
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.

Fav 9 1475 2701
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on

Fav 9 3163 1428
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately

Fav 3 2700 1056
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

Fav 27 9370 1793
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse

Fav 18 3823 1345
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

Fav 7 3625 1172
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

Fav 15 9304 1177
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.

Fav 30 8103 1398
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied

Fav 18 1309 4485
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

Fav 10 5996 1248
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

Fav 7 4281 1107
share tweet
(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5324 9045
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.

Fav 14 3129 1357
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

Fav 11 3969 1809
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

Fav 6 3732 1141
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

Fav 22 3504 1561
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?

Fav 10 3184 1146
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.

Fav 13 2395 1453
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.

Fav 10 3565 1269
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

Fav 28 1785 5713
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.

Fav 8 3155 1270
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.

Fav 2 2338 1007
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

Fav 7 3986 1176
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor

Fav 25 4410 1351
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

Fav 21 4963 1877
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

Fav 24 8757 1373
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

Fav 8 4405 1155
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"

Fav 7 3153 1761
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.

Fav 5 3486 1168
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.

Fav 9 3754 1628
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility

Fav 8 3832 1043
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.

Fav 4 3273 1128
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

Fav 11 5784 1691
share tweet
(310): View more from California

only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man

Fav 12 3526 1354
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas

Fav 7 3192 1147
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party

Fav 12 4134 1447
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

Fav 4 4112 1107
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

Fav 7 7340 1399
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

Fav 5 5597 1252
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

Fav 30 15358 1684
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

Fav 7 6452 2169
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?

(509): View more from Washington

Places.

(503): View more from Oregon

Plural? Please tell.

Fav 5 3010 891
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

Fav 21 5523 1359
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

You mean inside out.

(302): View more from Delaware

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

Fav 20 8003 1361
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

Fav 141 20465 2852
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

Fav 67 8414 3477
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

Fav 30 7943 2014
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

Fav 51 9752 1662
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10200 1911
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11547 1663
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

Fav 12 6451 1610
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

Fav 9 5455 1356
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

Fav 25 11216 1341
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

Fav 30 6464 1316
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

Fav 10 7147 2110
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

Fav 21 10831 1617
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

Fav 18 9076 1641
share tweet
(818): View more from California

people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.

Fav 7 3342 841
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble

Fav 10 1994 1068
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

Fav 14 6672 1363
share tweet
(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

Fav 33 8380 1163
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

Fav 23 4903 1657
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

Fav 264 3073 28090
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

Fav 26 2485 5613
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

This is evicking siegelnvs

(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry?

(410): View more from Maryland

This is fucking ridiculous*

Fav 13 4195 949
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

Fav 23 10170 1407
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.

Fav 9 1775 3528
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.

Fav 12 4297 1750
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.

Fav 36 4157 842
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward

Fav 9 3734 1328
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

Fav 16 5997 1391
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

Fav 24 8034 1437
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could

Fav 4 3638 1473
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.

Fav 34 1447 6735
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.

Fav 10 1361 2221
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball

(419): View more from Ohio

And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity

Fav 35 6074 2249
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

Fav 17 8417 2148
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

Fav 11 6175 1650
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

Fav 21 1834 1126
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.

Fav 21 4914 1036
share tweet
(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

Fav 26 10066 1975
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

Fav 13 5593 2024
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.

Fav 6 5152 874
share tweet
(949): View more from California

...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail

(949): View more from California

ps not my toothbrush awkward.

Fav 2 913 2236
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.

Fav 25 2825 5021
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?

Fav 41 7171 960
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

Fav 55 8790 1252
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes

Fav 14 4845 1154
share tweet
(213): View more from California

are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town

(1-213): View more from California

well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT

Fav 14 1268 6378
share tweet
(831): View more from California

You should get sea herpes

(831): View more from California

I mean sea horses

Fav 21 4126 1068
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

P.S. I can't hear my feet

Fav 21 4493 986
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17661 1752
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

he's 29.

Fav 16 1899 5120
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.

Fav 25 5346 1485
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

Fav 29 10222 1388
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

Fav 29 10883 1595
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

Fav 18 7082 2252
share tweet
(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

Fav 17 5850 1343
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

Fav 7 9152 1391
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"

Fav 18 7343 1033
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

Fav 36 4800 1165
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?

Fav 25 4811 1351
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53788 3105
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

Fav 7 6213 2423
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I think I just saw someone hide a body.

Fav 13 1964 3093
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

Fav 12 7173 1726
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

Fav 9 6330 1503
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

Fav 15 1945 2857
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.

Fav 10 4940 965
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

Fav 28 2853 1066
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

Fav 11 8161 1724
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable

Fav 31 4927 1002
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

Fav 12 6276 1405
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

Fav 2 4424 1586
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

Fav 19 4921 2612
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

Fav 8 2847 5889
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

Fav 31 7484 1151
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?

(573): View more from Missouri

You can't be serious.

Fav 58 3659 1014
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

Fav 33 2017 14227
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1914
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

Fav 25 12430 1327
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.

Fav 5 1767 824
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

Fav 86 13887 2170
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

(1-512): View more from Texas

pretty standard. you have fun last night?

(512): View more from Texas

apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

(1-512): View more from Texas

typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

Fav 8 1870 895
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

Fav 17 4014 3450
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

Fav 13 1418 6916
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.

Fav 14 1400 3763
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.

Fav 16 4361 1359
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

Fav 10 4462 1606
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

Fav 26 9834 1406
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

Fav 22 2404 1184
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Jake died.

(310): View more from California

WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

(818): View more from California

Oops typo. Jake cried.

Fav 41 5316 1807
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

Fav 70 7382 1213
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.

Fav 7 1503 3213
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

Fav 27 14206 2603
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

Fav 20 6604 1695
share tweet
(619): View more from California

went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

Fav 27 8242 1539
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

Fav 9 3315 1419
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

Fav 11 7160 1535
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

Fav 39 8879 1602
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

Fav 5 6226 1788
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

Fav 13 6064 1690
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

Fav 41 13894 1844
share tweet
(310): View more from California

YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!

Fav 55 9034 1129
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.

Fav 2 1315 623
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7730 42054
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75096 3011
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67832 4685
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115831 11202
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

Fav 22 4577 925
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

Fav 33 7148 1125
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

he should get drunk with us

Fav 20 5610 917
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

Fav 7 3340 975
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

Fav 24 8865 2020
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now

Fav 21 5244 901
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.

Fav 7 3970 923
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

Fav 80 4458 1101
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

(423): View more from Tennessee

so no drinking for you?

(615): View more from Tennessee

don't be silly

Fav 50 9959 1256
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.

(727): View more from Florida

More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.

Fav 15 5001 911
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9193 1748
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?

Fav 5 3482 1289
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

Fav 29 8074 1207
share tweet
(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

Fav 10 2221 958
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

Fav 12 9251 1996
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.

Fav 12 5114 1451
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

Fav 13 7825 1520
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

Fav 49 7447 2222
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

Fav 10 6656 1283
share tweet