Texts From Last Night · savannahisthesex's Favorites

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savannahisthesex's Favorites Texts:

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(209): View more from California

He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7

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(917): View more from New York City

Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

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(360): View more from Washington

that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

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(+62): View more from

This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

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(775): View more from Nevada

Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Really* awful people.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one

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(989): View more from Michigan

I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(619): View more from California

I'm passing your future prison.

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(631): View more from New York

we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck appropriateness.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(381): View more from

I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.

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(954): View more from Florida

Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...

(1-954): View more from Florida

Is this the gay conversation?

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(253): View more from Washington

i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(630): View more from Illinois

And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."

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(607): View more from New York

We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(574): View more from Indiana

god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

my mouth tastes like poor choices

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(817): View more from Texas

Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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(260): View more from Indiana

Are you dead

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Yes

(260): View more from Indiana

Oh man

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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(678): View more from Georgia

I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself

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(845): View more from New York

even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.

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(813): View more from Florida

It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(813): View more from Florida

Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.

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(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?

(760): View more from California

You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(224): View more from Illinois

So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together

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(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(516): View more from New York

The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Say something about gay babies.

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(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.

(260): View more from Indiana

Sorry- wrong number! :)

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(862): View more from New Jersey

textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me

(973): View more from New Jersey

that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

His hands were made for my vagina.

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(619): View more from California

I want to have your abortion

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(203): View more from Connecticut

tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher

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(765): View more from Indiana

Why are you ignoring all of my texts?

(1-765): View more from Indiana

The power was out.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

what?

(479): View more from Arkansas

your penis

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(224): View more from Illinois

It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry

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(765): View more from Indiana

She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

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(626): View more from California

He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby

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(269): View more from Michigan

Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories

(269): View more from Michigan

I don't see you I see the memories. All the time

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(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

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(864): View more from South Carolina

sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

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(323): View more from California

Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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(810): View more from Michigan

I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Every day of my life.

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(770): View more from Georgia

i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(909): View more from California

It's Friday. Sex?

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(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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(440): View more from Ohio

just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.

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(408): View more from California

sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

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(830): View more from Texas

If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(509): View more from Washington

I want to make a zoo with you.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?

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(301): View more from Maryland

you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.

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(914): View more from New York

she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.

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(906): View more from Michigan

didnt we say no more talking to eachother

(906): View more from Michigan

it will help you get over me i promise

(414): View more from Wisconsin

im horny

(906): View more from Michigan

ok i will unlock the door

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.

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(954): View more from Florida

Your an asshole

(1-954): View more from Florida

Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

(954): View more from Florida

My point exactly

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(419): View more from Ohio

This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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(915): View more from Texas

I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic

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(440): View more from Ohio

i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(425): View more from Washington

be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant

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(913): View more from Kansas

I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.

Fav 15 3991 1365
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(360): View more from Washington

Let's get naked and see who's stronger.

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(810): View more from Michigan

you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.

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(858): View more from California

He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(480): View more from Arizona

get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch

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(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

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(310): View more from California

I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(253): View more from Washington

Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.

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(818): View more from California

I hate you but I'm not in hate with you

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(480): View more from Arizona

Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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(207): View more from Maine

We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(713): View more from Texas

counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

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(845): View more from New York

I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

(210): View more from Texas

S P E L L C H E C K

(808): View more from Hawaii

No you dumbass thats not right

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(440): View more from Ohio

wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I bet i've been more pregnant than you.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"

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(479): View more from Arkansas

How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(234): View more from Ohio

omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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(847): View more from Illinois

sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I wish I could punch you in the face.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2463 17272
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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(503): View more from Oregon

if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Does God suck his dick?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.

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(752): View more from California

i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so when am I gonna get some from you?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

when you dick grows 3 inches

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

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(845): View more from New York

Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I gave up sex for lent.

(646): View more from New York

I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

(973): View more from New Jersey

i think girls just don't want to fuck you

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(815): View more from Illinois

wat bout pragnant strippers??

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(425): View more from Washington

This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow

(248): View more from Michigan

Perfect. Like where your heads at

(906): View more from Michigan

By relax I mean have sex

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(313): View more from Michigan

I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me

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(424): View more from California

You hurt me so bad and it feels so good

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(310): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

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(415): View more from California

JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(646): View more from New York

A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"

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(949): View more from California

Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

(619): View more from California

hahahahahahahahahahaha

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?

(206): View more from Washington

Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.

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(319): View more from Iowa

we need to stop having unprotected sex.

(1-319): View more from Iowa

ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.

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(713): View more from Texas

I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her

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(973): View more from New Jersey

only you would photoshop your dick

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(410): View more from Maryland

hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(770): View more from Georgia

I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(818): View more from California

you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ur plase or mine? lol

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate

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(616): View more from Michigan

Princesses don't give blow jobs

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(850): View more from Florida

so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".

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(269): View more from Michigan

Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.

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(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

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(301): View more from Maryland

please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(212): View more from New York

I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.

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(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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(503): View more from Oregon

PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(415): View more from California

Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me

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(301): View more from Maryland

My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

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(315): View more from New York

Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(515): View more from Iowa

They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

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(410): View more from Maryland

he was CRYING into my vagina

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Nah, we all need something.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.

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(713): View more from Texas

How bad was it?

(1-713): View more from Texas

You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth

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(515): View more from Iowa

If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.

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(641): View more from Iowa

are you wasted or are you getting laid?

(515): View more from Iowa

ebdebdebdebd

(641): View more from Iowa

wow

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(408): View more from California

i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.

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(302): View more from Delaware

she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.

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(347): View more from New York

I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her

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(206): View more from Washington

My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries

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(914): View more from New York

Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.

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