Texts From Last Night · summerXyay's Favorites

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summerXyay's Favorites Texts:

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(618): View more from Illinois

was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?

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(618): View more from Illinois

This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all

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(618): View more from Illinois

Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(317): View more from Indiana

What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Your godly.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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(623): View more from Arizona

Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".

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(512): View more from Texas

He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.

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(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(618): View more from Illinois

apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.

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(925): View more from California

It smells like ranch

(925): View more from California

Must be all the white people

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

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(519): View more from Ontario

and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(801): View more from Utah

He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.

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(480): View more from Arizona

They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(713): View more from Texas

We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

You would...

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(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.

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(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

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(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

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(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.

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(360): View more from Washington

we are all sexual creatures

(951): View more from California

yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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(650): View more from California

she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(602): View more from Arizona

And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Apparently senior citizens don't like that position

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.

(314): View more from Missouri

Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..

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(631): View more from New York

Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

oh good, I think they're gone

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the painters?

(860): View more from Connecticut

my herpes

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(515): View more from Iowa

hes a good boy he deserves a good blow

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(765): View more from Indiana

Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?

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(480): View more from Arizona

So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

(540): View more from Virginia

awesome babe! drinks tonight!

(703): View more from Virginia

Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(517): View more from Michigan

woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(207): View more from Maine

things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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(224): View more from Illinois

It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

those are such fre$h shoes

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab

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(586): View more from Michigan

I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!

(864): View more from South Carolina

Because men are children

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Touche

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(619): View more from California

let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out

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(323): View more from California

Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(941): View more from Florida

I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"

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(602): View more from Arizona

I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(443): View more from Maryland

why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?

(410): View more from Maryland

haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background

(443): View more from Maryland

that only happened once.

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(440): View more from Ohio

dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"

(646): View more from New York

how do you like your eggs?

(865): View more from Tennessee

over tits

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(972): View more from Texas

The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she has a santa fetish

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

cute.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!

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(818): View more from California

Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?

(770): View more from Georgia

I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.

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(816): View more from Missouri

you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(404): View more from Georgia

"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(419): View more from Ohio

Want to have sex later?

(614): View more from Ohio

This feels like a trap

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(606): View more from Kentucky

That's why Kanye is a gay fish.

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(650): View more from California

in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(432): View more from Texas

He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...

(985): View more from Louisiana

wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb

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(770): View more from Georgia

cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton

(1-770): View more from Georgia

i said paris hilton

(770): View more from Georgia

thats even worse

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(650): View more from California

i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

(408): View more from California

Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

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(347): View more from New York

weddingsv make me drug and hornr

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(417): View more from Missouri

true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!

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(323): View more from California

Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?

(310): View more from California

You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?

(323): View more from California

So...no?`

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(+77): View more from

her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

look no pants

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(949): View more from California

I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?

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(631): View more from New York

OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET

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(630): View more from Illinois

Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(207): View more from Maine

I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store

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(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(817): View more from Texas

despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(313): View more from Michigan

Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born

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(302): View more from Delaware

stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(905): View more from Ontario

My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.

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(618): View more from Illinois

you should give me head with plastic fangs in

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(561): View more from Florida

The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.

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(530): View more from California

When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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(713): View more from Texas

We need to get cat food

(713): View more from Texas

Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

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(561): View more from Florida

Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(518): View more from New York

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

(404): View more from Georgia

so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".

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(810): View more from Michigan

ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

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(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(512): View more from Texas

You surviving the open bar?

(1-512): View more from Texas

Super asto ex polenta omaha botad

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(317): View more from Indiana

and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.

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(303): View more from Colorado

maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."

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(425): View more from Washington

He could be your dad!

(206): View more from Washington

We discussed that right before he asked for my number

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(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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(305): View more from Florida

considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light

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(973): View more from New Jersey

remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

(973): View more from New Jersey

it happened again.

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Who is this?

(407): View more from Florida

Who do you want it to be?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sarah Palin

(407): View more from Florida

I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(586): View more from Michigan

You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

i am grossed the fuck out

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(513): View more from Ohio

How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

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(303): View more from Colorado

New channing tatum movie.

(858): View more from California

I'll bring my vibrator.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell

(720): View more from Colorado

That's the classiest thing you've ever said.

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