Texts From Last Night · carlberogue's Favorites

Sorry Frito hasn't picked any favorites yet.

carlberogue's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

Fav 64 5467 1936
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

sometimes you have to go after what you want

(313): View more from Michigan

true. and i really want to cum

Fav 9 4502 1151
share tweet

(317): View more from Indiana

I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.

Fav 36 7562 1876
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

Fav 12 7677 1352
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.

Fav 9 4445 1357
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.

Fav 11 4045 1690
share tweet

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasted some perfectly good semen on her

Fav 17 1275 5375
share tweet

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.

Fav 4 4885 1200
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.

Fav 20 1542 8909
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

Fav 35 2257 9060
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

Fav 13 1739 9115
share tweet

(858): View more from California

Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?

Fav 27 1008 8603
share tweet

(617): View more from Massachusetts

a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you

Fav 32 1610 8824
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

Fav 36 1944 8858
share tweet

(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

Fav 36 2200 9881
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?

Fav 118 1373 8803
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?

(410): View more from Maryland

i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.

Fav 63 1028 9249
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.

Fav 22 3626 8707
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

Fav 48 2488 9157
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.

Fav 23 1258 9126
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

Fav 31 1104 8975
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?

Fav 34 1518 8882
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.

Fav 166 1519 8729
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.

Fav 22 1173 9038
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.

Fav 31 890 8837
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

Fav 21 1748 9255
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..

Fav 30 1183 8844
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit

Fav 38 1133 9005
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted

Fav 98 2424 9258
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

Fav 21 1457 9073
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

Fav 32 1688 9260
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

Fav 28 1432 9282
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??

Fav 145 2679 8851
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.

Fav 19 1484 9482
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

Fav 44 1580 9235
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"

Fav 29 1941 9108
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING

Fav 24 1422 9259
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

Fav 74 2721 9391
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it

Fav 31 1328 9244
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

Fav 27 1725 9493
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

Fav 38 1560 9485
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine

Fav 30 1481 9442
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

Fav 49 2605 9766
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?

Fav 30 1001 9647
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

Fav 46 1502 10102
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...

Fav 25 1026 9902
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.

Fav 43 1653 10131
share tweet
(415): View more from California

And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

(1-415): View more from California

What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

(415): View more from California

He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

Fav 27 1385 10106
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.

Fav 41 2048 9893
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

Fav 46 2271 9936
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.

Fav 34 1584 10023
share tweet
(818): View more from California

She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.

Fav 31 1169 10037
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

Fav 83 2182 10532
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.

Fav 47 1181 9897
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?

Fav 56 2423 10067
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.

Fav 52 1274 9980
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

Fav 28 1553 10166
share tweet
(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

Fav 292 30520 14157
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

Fav 91 2370 10207
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...

Fav 44 1544 9917
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door

Fav 57 1853 10073
share tweet
(310): View more from California

once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there

Fav 36 1129 9970
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

NEVER shave your cleavage hair.

Fav 87 891 9862
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...

Fav 63 1110 9826
share tweet
(925): View more from California

First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.

Fav 91 1042 10166
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...

Fav 19 1079 10111
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs

Fav 83 913 10135
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.

Fav 81 1052 10049
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

Fav 22 2198 11021
share tweet
(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

Fav 30 2423 10502
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!

Fav 51 1758 10921
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

Fav 43 1768 10628
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

Fav 52 1166 10666
share tweet
(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

Fav 52 2718 10606
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.

Fav 26 1287 10654
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.

Fav 97 1990 10870
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?

Fav 88 1690 10839
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???

Fav 126 947 10636
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.

Fav 44 1157 10819
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly

Fav 39 1260 10592
share tweet
(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

Fav 116 6958 12718
share tweet
(951): View more from California

yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.

Fav 63 1923 10519
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.

Fav 12 901 10948
share tweet
(510): View more from California

And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"

Fav 40 1103 10971
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth

Fav 54 926 10663
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

Fav 53 1585 11238
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...

Fav 106 1943 10846
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.

Fav 64 1309 11266
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

Fav 79 2500 11511
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

Fav 46 2656 11663
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea

Fav 57 915 10762
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

Fav 25 1592 11209
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

Fav 34 2832 11413
share tweet
(714): View more from California

i perioded on his leg

(714): View more from California

on. his. leg.

Fav 49 1389 11049
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

Fav 47 3161 11796
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..

Fav 36 1113 11040
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

Fav 70 1566 11720
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.

Fav 61 1280 11307
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

so my dad walked in on us having sex

(1-256): View more from Alabama

lulz really? why?

(256): View more from Alabama

lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time

Fav 75 1922 11615
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I queefed so loud it echoed.

Fav 56 2323 11288
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

Fav 23 1330 11737
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

Fav 57 1726 11834
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed

Fav 63 1255 11388
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"

Fav 25 1447 11855
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'

Fav 55 1617 11181
share tweet
(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

Fav 72 2480 11877
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"

Fav 22 1751 11939
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

Fav 28 3080 12626
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

Fav 24 2193 11545
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.

Fav 51 1547 11871
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.

Fav 58 1059 11840
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob

Fav 22 1300 12091
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

just left the emergency room. condom extraction.

Fav 30 1349 11420
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

Fav 117 3546 12407
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

Fav 158 2951 13041
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.

Fav 27 1478 11689
share tweet
(310): View more from California

she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.

Fav 55 1142 11857
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.

Fav 27 1331 11495
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

Fav 54 1877 14049
share tweet
(805): View more from California

my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

Fav 43 1820 14812
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

Fav 55 3009 15631
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

Fav 42 1770 15030
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

(1-915): View more from Texas

who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

Fav 49 1286 15503
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

Fav 107 1346 15367
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

Fav 58 1559 15734
share tweet
(619): View more from California

He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on

Fav 37 1366 15072
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

Fav 32 1491 15731
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2545 16041
share tweet
(714): View more from California

found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.

Fav 42 1325 15237
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?

Fav 73 1587 14887
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho

Fav 56 2511 15427
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds

Fav 32 1916 15923
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

He went soft

(631): View more from New York

Wait. During?

(260): View more from Indiana

Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.

Fav 99 1255 16398
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

Fav 66 1551 17567
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

Fav 72 1696 16789
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..

Fav 57 1346 16490
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

Fav 50 1710 17923
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

Fav 55 1797 17434
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

Fav 46 2748 18481
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

Fav 172 5469 17671
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.

Fav 73 1648 18058
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

Fav 157 2636 18430
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

Fav 44 1954 19315
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"

Fav 209 1604 18664
share tweet
(619): View more from California

We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.

Fav 35 2404 18340
share tweet
(831): View more from California

period poops. best. ever.

(925): View more from California

omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

Fav 144 2261 19973
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.

Fav 99 2147 19249
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

Fav 50 1594 19818
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

Fav 89 1766 20096
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet

Fav 58 1230 20119
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.

Fav 87 2163 20781
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!

Fav 100 1422 22999
share tweet
(560): View more from

I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?

Fav 71 1577 22074
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

Fav 57 2127 21468
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

Fav 98 2615 23466
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

Fav 98 1672 22781
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

Fav 86 1926 24103
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

Fav 29 2180 24606
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Your dad touched me again.

Fav 31 2521 24510
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

Fav 90 3048 23864
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

Fav 99 3057 24679
share tweet
(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Fav 132 9138 24696
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

Fav 210 5323 29423
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

Fav 87 4051 32259
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

Fav 162 2748 36901
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

Fav 128 1717 35787
share tweet
(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

Fav 104 1935 38702
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

Fav 85 4007 40874
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...

Fav 263 2481 41251
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7732 42055
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

Fav 122 2028 46495
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8567 49747
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

Fav 98 5676 55439
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

Fav 100 8311 61693
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

Fav 121 5011 63839
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

Fav 278 5209 70036
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8818 73996
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Fav 148 8165 70877
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

Fav 264 5203 80183
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

Fav 184 96430 5746
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104255 6834
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Fav 167 92801 4897
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

Fav 414 106505 10573
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146109 10758
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173890 44335
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178668 8190
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

What happened?....

(304): View more from West Virginia

He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

Fav 10 2021 5554
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?

Fav 46 4759 1259
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

Fav 19 7708 1579
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

Fav 35 6291 1351
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

Fav 34 8630 1338
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

Fav 15 4512 2719
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.

Fav 64 5584 1599
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

Fav 35 1538 5135
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.

Fav 20 4695 1739
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me

Fav 17 1459 3474
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how

Fav 15 1261 3794
share tweet