Texts From Last Night · crayonranch's Favorites

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(619): View more from California

I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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(303): View more from Colorado

those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(845): View more from New York

We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(352): View more from Florida

we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

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(443): View more from Maryland

Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(905): View more from Ontario

her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(586): View more from Michigan

If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(830): View more from Texas

You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(707): View more from California

She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

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(361): View more from Texas

Did i throw a brick at someone last night?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

(917): View more from New York City

Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

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(917): View more from New York City

I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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(516): View more from New York

I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

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(207): View more from Maine

I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(937): View more from Ohio

just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(325): View more from Texas

I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.

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(716): View more from New York

i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.

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(631): View more from New York

peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york

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(812): View more from Indiana

Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

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(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

Aren't you in 8th grade?

(502): View more from Kentucky

9th, but that's not the point.

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(937): View more from Ohio

i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus

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(925): View more from California

While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(919): View more from North Carolina

um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.

(919): View more from North Carolina

my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.

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(813): View more from Florida

I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(586): View more from Michigan

yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(678): View more from Georgia

Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(847): View more from Illinois

he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.

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(518): View more from New York

you're out of your mind

(518): View more from New York

you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear

(518): View more from New York

it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence

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(970): View more from Colorado

He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster

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(516): View more from New York

watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(907): View more from Alaska

the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(301): View more from Maryland

you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(310): View more from California

it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(425): View more from Washington

i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(914): View more from New York

I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(802): View more from Vermont

that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight

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(408): View more from California

Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(850): View more from Florida

this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(773): View more from Illinois

So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first

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(936): View more from Texas

Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

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(757): View more from Virginia

im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?

(804): View more from Virginia

who says it cant be both...

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am full of burrito and curiosity

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(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(817): View more from Texas

I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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(818): View more from California

She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?

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(618): View more from Illinois

how was the sex?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.

(618): View more from Illinois

well, there's that.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(720): View more from Colorado

How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(239): View more from Florida

just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

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(802): View more from Vermont

my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.

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(305): View more from Florida

Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob

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(678): View more from Georgia

At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2

(908): View more from New Jersey

Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(269): View more from Michigan

i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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