Texts From Last Night · hockeyhouse's Favorites

Sorry celebrity hasn't picked any favorites yet.

hockeyhouse's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

Fav 28 1596 5651
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

Fav 10 4589 1878
share tweet

(803): View more from South Carolina

and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace

Fav 8 3008 978
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere

Fav 38 4593 4876
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?

Fav 5 3420 1282
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom

Fav 3 2440 1115
share tweet

(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

Fav 9 5503 1194
share tweet

(318): View more from Louisiana

As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.

Fav 6 3889 1238
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.

(248): View more from Michigan

There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.

Fav 5 2886 1217
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.

Fav 10 1307 3079
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.

Fav 10 2162 1212
share tweet

(314): View more from Missouri

Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.

Fav 12 3570 1332
share tweet

(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

Fav 9 3435 951
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.

Fav 9 3506 1060
share tweet

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.

Fav 7 3496 1369
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?

Fav 36 7019 1162
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

Fav 14 5556 1199
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

Fav 19 7671 1364
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

Fav 5 4487 1312
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

Fav 13 6020 1809
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

Fav 13 5047 1619
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

Fav 20 8428 1469
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

Fav 32 2174 7996
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.

Fav 5 3707 1001
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.

Fav 9 4462 1063
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

Fav 35 7768 1255
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.

Fav 5 3486 1168
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

Fav 14 8056 1246
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.

Fav 5 3189 1048
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

Fav 20 6067 1333
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

Fav 45 9489 3069
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.

Fav 11 2161 4447
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation

Fav 24 1303 5110
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

Fav 17 6975 1434
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...

Fav 10 3399 1257
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

Fav 6 3913 1407
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

Fav 26 6269 1374
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.

Fav 3 1364 3328
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Fav 50 18541 1571
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

Fav 8 5664 1471
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

Fav 9 4358 1263
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

Fav 12 6844 1489
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

Fav 12 12056 1476
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.

Fav 12 3822 1513
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.

Fav 12 3456 1254
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate

Fav 3 5089 1295
share tweet
(909): View more from California

oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.

Fav 8 1154 3495
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.

Fav 17 5971 1359
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

Fav 12 9528 1521
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

Fav 43 9911 1850
share tweet
(805): View more from California

The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.

Fav 7 1631 4768
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

Fav 25 7946 1235
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

Fav 34 3572 10373
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

Fav 10 7900 1649
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.

Fav 17 2329 2977
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.

Fav 35 1595 3951
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

Fav 32 11264 1510
share tweet
(310): View more from California

she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.

Fav 10 3271 1461
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

Fav 25 10802 1901
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

Fav 29 2572 7755
share tweet
(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

Fav 10 6116 1678
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?

Fav 18 3876 1374
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.

Fav 13 1234 3313
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.

Fav 5 4578 1327
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

Fav 32 1985 16440
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

Fav 6 4099 1167
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

Fav 19 9103 2266
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?

Fav 12 4344 1248
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

Fav 9 5285 1421
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.

Fav 29 4972 1639
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

Fav 12 7583 1291
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.

Fav 16 6966 1201
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"

Fav 11 5929 1232
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

Fav 50 8881 1354
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

Fav 5 5665 1309
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.

Fav 31 1352 5355
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.

Fav 14 1283 3205
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

Fav 10 3860 1183
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children

Fav 17 3196 1202
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

Fav 9 5564 1239
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

Fav 11 1486 4038
share tweet
(415): View more from California

You kept trying to hail an ambulance

Fav 2 3911 1283
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.

Fav 4 3891 1112
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.

Fav 20 3239 1605
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

Fav 11 5504 1230
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy

Fav 14 1501 3230
share tweet
(925): View more from California

is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?

Fav 14 3545 1077
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze

Fav 6 3031 1478
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me

Fav 9 2639 1144
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Walk of Shame today included voting.

Fav 26 6477 1239
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

Fav 13 4817 1724
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

Fav 36 11823 1953
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness

Fav 6 1281 3702
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

Fav 13 4884 1835
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

Fav 6 5733 1269
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

Fav 11 5844 1369
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

Fav 15 3482 1656
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex

Fav 12 4836 1067
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

Fav 9 3183 1508
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

Fav 11 5073 2381
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

Fav 12 5456 1265
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.

Fav 15 1526 3700
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

Fav 8 4541 1308
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

Fav 26 1887 4483
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

Fav 15 7457 1997
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

Fav 24 1747 4665
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Fav 22 11144 2456
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

Fav 13 7360 1550
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

Fav 14 6301 1315
share tweet
(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

Fav 55 7409 1866
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic

Fav 12 1671 4649
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

Fav 8 4931 1333
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

Fav 22 5917 1843
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son

Fav 7 1246 3091
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

Fav 50 11814 3024
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

Fav 29 6456 1594
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.

Fav 12 3946 1309
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

Fav 25 15049 1717
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

Fav 51 11496 1748
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

Fav 12 14089 1679
share tweet
(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

Fav 24 7182 2152
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

Fav 14 2218 3362
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

Fav 6 2082 3821
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

Fav 58 17155 4135
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....

Fav 4 2159 1514
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.

Fav 17 4251 1121
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

Fav 34 2142 10330
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

Fav 16 1739 5761
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

Fav 8 4940 1149
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

Fav 13 1915 4748
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

Fav 24 5456 1394
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

Fav 6 6630 1167
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

Fav 16 7489 1417
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.

Fav 13 4768 1355
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life

Fav 12 1162 6366
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

Fav 12 6931 1447
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

Fav 14 7169 1606
share tweet
(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

Fav 20 10109 1274
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

i said good morning to each one of his abs personally

Fav 11 7256 1335
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.

Fav 8 6517 1132
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

Fav 19 8289 2198
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

Fav 14 4700 1276
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

Fav 17 5780 1366
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

Fav 34 5644 2508
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

Fav 38 2427 10388
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

Fav 4 3652 1249
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

Fav 11 6580 1474
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

Fav 19 6087 1673
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

Fav 41 8977 2977
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing

Fav 18 4226 1207
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song

Fav 29 4361 1562
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

Fav 40 5321 1963
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.

Fav 6 4158 1149
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

Fav 22 8431 1413
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.

Fav 8 6007 1128
share tweet
(818): View more from California

i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

Fav 7 1279 4510
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

Fav 24 1581 4525
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.

Fav 15 4896 1633
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

Fav 18 7695 1693
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

Fav 15 5994 1460
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

Fav 67 2213 4895
share tweet
(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

Fav 17 6625 1293
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

Fav 9 6360 1572
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

Fav 23 1761 7355
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

Fav 11 5110 1542
share tweet
(408): View more from California

if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

Fav 33 6383 1722
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

Fav 14 5820 1565
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

Fav 12 10664 1696
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.

Fav 19 4745 1347
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

Fav 10 3747 1306
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

Fav 11 4582 2096
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving

Fav 19 1461 3987
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4803 10323
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

Fav 10 6620 1250
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

Fav 18 1757 6686
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

Fav 11 4656 1779
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

Fav 41 9937 3828
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

Fav 21 5523 1359
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he thanks me after handjobs.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you found the perfect man.

Fav 43 5377 1368
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

Fav 28 7249 1801
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

Fav 22 7677 1458
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

My vagina just recognized that song.

Fav 7 3386 1075
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.

Fav 12 4716 1107
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

Fav 32 18760 1880
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

Fav 23 6731 1844
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

Fav 40 10294 1538
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

Fav 42 12885 1695
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

Fav 23 6324 1560
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?

Fav 23 4572 1469
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.

Fav 2 3702 1038
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

Fav 15 5772 1457
share tweet
(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

Fav 22 6692 1494
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow

Fav 5 3847 1139
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.

Fav 9 4574 1211
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

Fav 39 7388 2344
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.

Fav 11 4610 1341
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"

Fav 10 3840 1436
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

Fav 28 5626 1901
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

Fav 38 7295 1536
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

Fav 33 11428 1593
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

Fav 19 4499 1622
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

Fav 18 7030 1298
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

Fav 14 1805 6052
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.

Fav 14 3238 2076
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.

Fav 16 6029 1733
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

Fav 36 16127 1595
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.

Fav 23 4519 1184
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.

Fav 64 5582 1598
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10254 1635
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

Fav 19 7705 1579
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

Fav 16 5327 1367
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

Fav 53 1995 8228
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

Fav 64 5466 1936
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

Fav 19 4634 2963
share tweet
(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

Fav 30 8640 1472
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began

Fav 21 5615 1438
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

Fav 29 4693 2125
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

Fav 18 6466 1701
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

Fav 20 6526 1403
share tweet
(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

Fav 48 11108 1526
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

Fav 27 7078 1589
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

Fav 47 6992 1900
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

Fav 35 10989 1772
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

Fav 20 7826 1625
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

Fav 21 7699 2006
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

Fav 21 10799 1961
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

Fav 27 8855 1630
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"

Fav 19 7981 1384
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

God gave us a 4 year grace period.

Fav 29 4251 1486
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

Fav 16 6903 1333
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

Fav 14 7182 1363
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

Fav 14 6094 1641
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.

Fav 8 3791 1989
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist

Fav 12 5342 1386
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's gonna be a great weekend

Fav 13 6640 1359
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

Fav 32 17990 1844
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

Fav 36 4971 1763
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it

Fav 15 1565 7103
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

Fav 29 10133 1779
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

Fav 34 5445 6822
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college

Fav 27 6489 1402
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

Fav 27 1681 5421
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?

Fav 43 7267 1330
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

Fav 26 12668 2380
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

Fav 41 7336 1793
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

Fav 10 6193 1673
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

Fav 22 8748 1585
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.

Fav 41 5014 1846
share tweet
(+43): View more from

my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe

Fav 16 8260 1182
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21329 2346
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

Fav 14 5855 1360
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

Fav 34 6519 2697
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

Fav 13 9391 1462
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

Fav 29 7464 2731
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

Fav 9 7435 1376
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

Fav 22 10540 1449
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

Fav 12 7480 1405
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...

Fav 13 5216 1429
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

Fav 154 12238 2538
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

Fav 24 12046 1680
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

Fav 52 9109 1698
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

Fav 61 11285 2282
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

This show inspires me to have sex in space

Fav 24 4418 1057
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

Fav 15 6689 1378
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

Fav 25 5660 1525
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48824 2422
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

(863): View more from Florida

Can I come live with you?

Fav 21 5956 1462
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

Fav 25 9704 1476
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

Fav 16 2577 7138
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

Fav 90 7485 2054
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

Fav 25 8093 1363
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

Fav 45 5687 1469
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

Fav 16 11135 2014
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

Fav 11 6652 1379
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

Fav 41 3248 10006
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.

Fav 35 4459 1994
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

Fav 39 8934 1603
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.

Fav 14 4882 1804
share tweet
(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

Fav 26 8560 1835
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

Fav 26 9529 1592
share tweet
(916): View more from California

We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

Fav 12 4385 1599
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

Fav 19 6431 1319
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

Fav 25 5783 1495
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.

Fav 16 5089 1371
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9193 1748
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

Fav 24 6202 2816
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

Fav 14 8861 1311
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

Fav 34 7236 1798
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

Fav 16 1533 4391
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1914
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.

Fav 16 3199 3030
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze

Fav 14 5576 1405
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

Fav 16 6908 1513
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

Fav 20 7621 1235
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

Fav 22 2599 4741
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

Fav 39 7242 1402
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

Fav 8 5040 1419
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

Fav 21 6060 1466
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

Fav 34 13760 1469
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.

Fav 12 6449 1448
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

Fav 83 18221 2405
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

Fav 27 9370 1793
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

Fav 52 10723 1660
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

Fav 42 9035 5323
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

Fav 16 8945 1303
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

Fav 21 9507 1597
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

Fav 10 6582 1756
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

Fav 17 9043 1375
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

Fav 25 3080 6026
share tweet
(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

Fav 23 8005 1463
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.

Fav 22 2072 5493
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

Fav 14 4917 1662
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

Fav 33 12888 1845
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood

Fav 19 6769 1260
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

Fav 19 6245 1283
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?

Fav 11 4510 1132
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

Fav 41 6091 2071
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

Fav 50 9464 1646
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

Fav 21 5670 2256
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

Fav 33 9208 1723
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping

Fav 24 6120 1945
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

Fav 39 7824 1478
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

Fav 13 5249 1250
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

Fav 11 6365 1554
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

Fav 41 5061 7903
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

Fav 13 5535 1680
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

Fav 63 21320 1640
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?

Fav 35 7236 1698
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

Fav 18 10393 1269
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

Fav 17 8269 1527
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

Fav 26 11656 1540
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

Fav 9 1935 4648
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

Fav 60 7213 1485
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

Fav 14 9349 1670
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

Fav 11 5832 1446
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

Fav 60 2676 5455
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

Fav 32 6741 1188
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now

Fav 59 8069 1059
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

Fav 58 17389 2471
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory

Fav 59 5793 1329
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Fav 65 29371 2498
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

Fav 63 22478 1748
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89720 8274
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

Fav 37 19433 1705
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53249 2386
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

Fav 47 14632 1810
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

Fav 10 6347 1203
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him

Fav 6 4550 1291
share tweet
(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

Fav 21 3326 7326
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."

Fav 13 2189 5019
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

Fav 52 7028 2080
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5132
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

Fav 24 4420 1644
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010

Fav 11 4967 1054
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

Fav 14 6454 1369
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

Fav 20 8402 1250
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

Fav 24 8475 1578
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

Fav 16 5674 1838
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

Fav 25 21252 1555
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

Fav 98 28633 2414
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

Fav 24 9640 2726
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

Fav 15 7669 1926
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

Fav 79 9390 3615
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

Fav 31 20935 1954
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

At least I've made one childhood dream come true

Fav 25 5827 1547
share tweet
(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

Fav 75 12485 4006
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

Fav 40 10890 1670
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

Fav 16 4599 3506
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

Fav 30 11282 1694
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

Fav 27 7972 1546
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

Fav 13 10098 2200
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight

Fav 22 3944 1677
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family

Fav 11 4161 1254
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57260 7324
share tweet