Texts From Last Night · holeinsock's Favorites

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You need to be more adventurous.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(714): View more from California

Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(641): View more from Iowa

Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.

(844): View more from

Oh its going to be that type of weekend?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(714): View more from California

Letd wlk him

(714): View more from California

Lrtd walek hime

(714): View more from California

Lets wlk home,,,ther we go

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?

(502): View more from Kentucky

Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(224): View more from Illinois

My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

(312): View more from Illinois

Elaborate

(224): View more from Illinois

Strip Mario-Kart

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm chasing vodka with french fries.

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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(716): View more from New York

i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(516): View more from New York

How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

And?

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(208): View more from Idaho

His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire

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(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(917): View more from New York City

its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch

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(703): View more from Virginia

maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.

(859): View more from Kentucky

i did. i'm using it as a microphone.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??

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(1-917): View more from New York City

you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...

(917): View more from New York City

oh thats it?

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(714): View more from California

He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(914): View more from New York

he puts the penis in happiness.

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(216): View more from Ohio

dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so im guessing thats a no.....

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(973): View more from New Jersey

$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

math is fun

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(315): View more from New York

he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

(607): View more from New York

what a beautiful fairy tale

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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(281): View more from Texas

i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks

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(858): View more from California

She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(917): View more from New York City

his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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(480): View more from Arizona

just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.

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(907): View more from Alaska

It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(312): View more from Illinois

Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.

(773): View more from Illinois

You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

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(404): View more from Georgia

"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made

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(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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(650): View more from California

Why were you high on a thursday?

(1-650): View more from California

today's a wednesday

(650): View more from California

I asked first.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

You mean inside out.

(302): View more from Delaware

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.

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(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(210): View more from Texas

READY

(1-210): View more from Texas

for what?

(210): View more from Texas

TO HAVE SEXXXX

(1-210): View more from Texas

i think you have the wrong number

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

Wtf?

(225): View more from Louisiana

Use the slutty part of ur brain.

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(205): View more from Alabama

She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.

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(512): View more from Texas

She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

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(248): View more from Michigan

whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes

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(818): View more from California

thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)

(661): View more from California

should have blown me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

No one shows this much boob at breakfast

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(410): View more from Maryland

hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)

(1-410): View more from Maryland

stop writing like that.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(818): View more from California

Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): View more from California

Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?

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(916): View more from California

You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now

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(713): View more from Texas

You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin

(954): View more from Florida

Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

Predator. Straight up.

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(224): View more from Illinois

:( I'm sorry!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

sexual favors sorry?

(224): View more from Illinois

absolutely not

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(816): View more from Missouri

you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(718): View more from New York

My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(323): View more from California

i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.

(818): View more from California

she hot?

(323): View more from California

i don't wanna talk about it

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(402): View more from Nebraska

hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

come over

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(330): View more from Ohio

Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm watching the fashion show on bravo

(262): View more from Wisconsin

you're cheating on project runway?

(919): View more from North Carolina

if you can't score coke, you buy crack.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high

(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I don't like babies at all

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

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(940): View more from Texas

just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it

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(905): View more from Toronto

Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want your puppy

(507): View more from Minnesota

I meant pussy

(612): View more from Minnesota

I would rather you take my puppy

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(404): View more from Georgia

She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(313): View more from Michigan

her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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(416): View more from Ontario

She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(623): View more from Arizona

were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men

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(770): View more from Georgia

Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"

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(813): View more from Florida

i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it

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(914): View more from New York

? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): View more from Illinois

jesus mom

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(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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(928): View more from Arizona

I deem it safe for us to drink together again.

(1-928): View more from Arizona

They dropped the charges?

(928): View more from Arizona

Yeppers. Come drink beers.

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(802): View more from Vermont

does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

(1-802): View more from Vermont

actually, i try not to think about it

(802): View more from Vermont

and i pooped them out

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(903): View more from Texas

I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.

(214): View more from Texas

It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(541): View more from Oregon

She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."

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(518): View more from New York

Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did it finish?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(512): View more from Texas

halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...

(480): View more from Arizona

exactly, that's why i want something interesting

(512): View more from Texas

slutty neuroscientist?

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Winning.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.

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(207): View more from Maine

traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

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(443): View more from Maryland

His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(518): View more from New York

He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!

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(561): View more from Florida

you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(707): View more from California

You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(925): View more from California

Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.

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(419): View more from Ohio

take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.

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(650): View more from California

I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

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(714): View more from California

that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?

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(619): View more from California

Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

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(415): View more from California

No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."

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(845): View more from New York

i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7

(1-845): View more from New York

id pin you as more of an 8

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(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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(850): View more from Florida

So are we goin out tonight?

(315): View more from New York

Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...

(850): View more from Florida

And that was fun, wasn't it?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

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(678): View more from Georgia

He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?

(770): View more from Georgia

I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."

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(248): View more from Michigan

We should go out drinking together soon

(734): View more from Michigan

I'm still not going to have sex with you

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(604): View more from British Columbia

found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

wtf you measured my hair?

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(281): View more from Texas

We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.

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(386): View more from Florida

I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...

(1-386): View more from Florida

thanks for that.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(434): View more from Virginia

KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please, let me fuck your mom

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(937): View more from Ohio

She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

(708): View more from Illinois

Oh Jesus.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went

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(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....

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(913): View more from Kansas

id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(714): View more from California

If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

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(954): View more from Florida

You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(214): View more from Texas

I am SOOO high

(830): View more from Texas

tell me about your high

(214): View more from Texas

HUGE THUMBTACKS

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience

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(802): View more from Vermont

My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college

(516): View more from New York

is she hot?

(802): View more from Vermont

She is now

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(540): View more from Virginia

just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south

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(301): View more from Maryland

She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(914): View more from New York

You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.

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(850): View more from Florida

dude i doubt hes gay

(1-850): View more from Florida

I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!

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(845): View more from New York

Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands

(845): View more from New York

i made a dollar

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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(936): View more from Texas

You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

(254): View more from Texas

Challenge accepted.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(289): View more from Ontario

You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

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(727): View more from Florida

found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.

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(941): View more from Florida

I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie

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(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?

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(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

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(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol

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(847): View more from Illinois

Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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