Texts From Last Night · 1337dude's Favorites

1337dude's Favorites Texts:

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(323): View more from California

I totes stole your whore crown.

(239): View more from Florida

With great power comes great responsibility.

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(650): View more from California

i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

(408): View more from California

Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

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(425): View more from Washington

I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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(417): View more from Missouri

quadriplegic porn is always funny

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

no. no its not

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(269): View more from Michigan

I'm on that like soy sauce on rice

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(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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(914): View more from New York

just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(512): View more from Texas

why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.

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(813): View more from Florida

So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(510): View more from California

Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes

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(585): View more from New York

okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.

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(650): View more from California

I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(916): View more from California

and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse

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(260): View more from Indiana

3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I've never been more proud of you

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like death. Did you die last night?

(305): View more from Florida

Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

(859): View more from Kentucky

unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

Worst stoner tragedy.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks

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(905): View more from Toronto

FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.

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(914): View more from New York

? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): View more from Illinois

jesus mom

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

this is your brother

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(630): View more from Illinois

you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.

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(330): View more from Ohio

It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table

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(567): View more from Ohio

i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

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(813): View more from Florida

from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(631): View more from New York

I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.

(1-631): View more from New York

I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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(254): View more from Texas

just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.

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(214): View more from Texas

My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

she sounds like chewbacca in bed

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(513): View more from Ohio

I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.

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(239): View more from Florida

My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.

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(912): View more from Georgia

you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?

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(818): View more from California

i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids

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(704): View more from North Carolina

They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(607): View more from New York

I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?

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(541): View more from Oregon

at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(719): View more from Colorado

3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

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(574): View more from Indiana

i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come

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(585): View more from New York

So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma

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(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

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(334): View more from Alabama

Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.

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(718): View more from New York

Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

they just did a mariachi cover of free bird

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(801): View more from Utah

so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

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(417): View more from Missouri

So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(952): View more from Minnesota

he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.

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(949): View more from California

She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.

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(631): View more from New York

OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.

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(253): View more from Washington

just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening

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(678): View more from Georgia

After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

brownberry?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

oh fat girl friday strikes again...

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(909): View more from California

i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.

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(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.

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(305): View more from Florida

Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...

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(214): View more from Texas

we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.

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(650): View more from California

How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents

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(661): View more from California

My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Some milfs here doing some blow

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Dad?

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(650): View more from California

Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers

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(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(563): View more from Iowa

Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.

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(917): View more from New York City

Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land

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(817): View more from Texas

The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(334): View more from Alabama

The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.

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(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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(917): View more from New York City

So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.

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(845): View more from New York

Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

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(626): View more from California

Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

did you answer or finish?

(404): View more from Georgia

both

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(705): View more from Ontario

it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.

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(574): View more from Indiana

So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I need new friends

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hannah Montana > iCarly

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.

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(817): View more from Texas

this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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(708): View more from Illinois

blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes

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(310): View more from California

Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

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(831): View more from California

just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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(512): View more from Texas

in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"

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(847): View more from Illinois

my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.

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(916): View more from California

Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(323): View more from California

may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

(818): View more from California

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination

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(248): View more from Michigan

Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.

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(256): View more from Alabama

A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

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(310): View more from California

i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(253): View more from Washington

I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

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(314): View more from Missouri

just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

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(813): View more from Florida

why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(925): View more from California

im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(541): View more from Oregon

someone get that fucking seahorse.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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(606): View more from Kentucky

That's why Kanye is a gay fish.

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(407): View more from Florida

i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(315): View more from New York

You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i never told you how having a club foot got me laid

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(369): View more from California

I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion

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(314): View more from Missouri

What did you even date her?

(214): View more from Texas

because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(214): View more from Texas

It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Did you just see the Batmobile???

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(251): View more from Alabama

He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

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(916): View more from California

I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(785): View more from Kansas

a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"

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(563): View more from Iowa

My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(214): View more from Texas

I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life

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(907): View more from Alaska

is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i should start naming my morning wood

(201): View more from New Jersey

great idea but wrong number

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(678): View more from Georgia

We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.

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(613): View more from Ontario

my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy

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(813): View more from Florida

The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER

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(614): View more from Ohio

Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out

(574): View more from Indiana

You never cease to amaze me.

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(224): View more from Illinois

finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Darwin at his finest.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.

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(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.

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(917): View more from New York City

I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(248): View more from Michigan

In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.

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(516): View more from New York

A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

(510): View more from California

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(949): View more from California

I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.

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(312): View more from Illinois

the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(949): View more from California

i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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(630): View more from Illinois

his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(404): View more from Georgia

Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.

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(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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(207): View more from Maine

Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me

(781): View more from Massachusetts

dont be selfish, show some boob

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(612): View more from Minnesota

a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(408): View more from California

carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.

(415): View more from California

be there in 3 mins

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(626): View more from California

Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...

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(512): View more from Texas

he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.

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(248): View more from Michigan

just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.

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(785): View more from Kansas

The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.

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(925): View more from California

we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

(707): View more from California

dude you teach first grade wtf

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?

(314): View more from Missouri

you had an obligation.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(630): View more from Illinois

i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.

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(813): View more from Florida

running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

(320): View more from Minnesota

Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

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(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(407): View more from Florida

I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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