Texts From Last Night · KittyCat69's Favorites

Sorry peachie hasn't picked any favorites yet.

KittyCat69's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(619): View more from California

he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up

Fav 5 2426 1299
share tweet
(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

Fav 19 13055 1326
share tweet

(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

Fav 57 13784 1589
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.

Fav 98 8303 1386
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.

Fav 2 2567 1134
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.

Fav 29 6166 1629
share tweet

(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

Fav 8 3858 1650
share tweet

(617): View more from Massachusetts

did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.

Fav 4 1865 1204
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.

Fav 4 2047 1258
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

Fav 8 3361 1242
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

Fav 20 3738 1642
share tweet

(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

Fav 12 4980 1519
share tweet

(208): View more from Idaho

She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.

Fav 6 2825 1300
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

Fav 22 4448 1302
share tweet

(789): View more from

Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.

Fav 4 2518 947
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.

Fav 5 2229 1510
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?

Fav 10 3479 1139
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?

Fav 11 4754 1377
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.

Fav 5 3160 1127
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

Fav 6 2279 2882
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

Fav 12 4898 1283
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.

Fav 20 3417 1233
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY

Fav 12 1141 2747
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.

Fav 3 3358 951
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?

Fav 7 1353 2753
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.

Fav 9 6711 1339
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

Fav 49 3278 5500
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

Fav 6 2877 1629
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.

Fav 7 2581 1380
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.

Fav 3 1189 2506
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.

Fav 25 4811 3030
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

Fav 32 9942 2306
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.

Fav 2 1257 1876
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

Fav 17 6562 1266
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

Fav 22 5767 3686
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg

Fav 6 2521 1151
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

Fav 40 8365 1743
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

Fav 11 3431 1413
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

Fav 21 7633 1611
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..

Fav 4 2842 1223
share tweet
(848): View more from New Jersey

She said she wanted to have closure sex.

Fav 9 4177 1469
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

Fav 31 7051 1714
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...

Fav 11 2744 1146
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all

Fav 12 3174 1318
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

Fav 18 5751 1667
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

Fav 16 6008 1374
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.

Fav 4 2589 1176
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

Fav 16 4540 2194
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom

Fav 3 2197 1430
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.

Fav 4 3585 1315
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

Fav 20 4004 1861
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.

Fav 8 3820 1279
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.

Fav 6 2546 1103
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

Fav 12 1783 4435
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now

Fav 18 2493 2060
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.

Fav 9 2837 1228
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week

Fav 26 6929 1475
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

Fav 78 27000 3622
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45580 2414
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.

Fav 4 1453 3929
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.

Fav 11 1317 4470
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.

Fav 22 4596 1267
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

Fav 10 6098 1413
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.

Fav 5 3588 1298
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine

Fav 12 1376 4075
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.

Fav 16 5403 1718
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it

Fav 42 5447 1600
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

Fav 6 6386 1301
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to

Fav 154 4277 1164
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53656 6695
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

Fav 67 20664 1556
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

Fav 32 7821 1350
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

Fav 29 7268 1513
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.

Fav 17 4355 1452
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no

Fav 8 2888 1229
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

Fav 35 7091 1830
share tweet
(951): View more from California

she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.

Fav 18 4363 1513
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.

Fav 13 6864 1322
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

Fav 9 6252 1356
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

Fav 11 7429 1907
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

Fav 22 8431 1415
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.

Fav 8 1366 4107
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.

Fav 5 4120 1429
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

Fav 54 11593 1818
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

Fav 36 8704 1647
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.

Fav 12 1272 3643
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

Fav 18 5753 2314
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

Fav 11 5693 1455
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16949 1860
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.

Fav 20 3699 2016
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

Fav 6 3634 908
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.

Fav 33 4800 1847
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

How was your Memorial Day?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.

Fav 10 4088 955
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

Fav 61 29237 1746
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...

Fav 56 4925 2611
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

Fav 46 20097 2062
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.

Fav 16 1446 3473
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

Fav 13 6905 1300
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?

(1-727): View more from Florida

Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.

Fav 2 1665 791
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived

Fav 16 5349 859
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.

Fav 79 9991 1829
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

Fav 49 1723 7464
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...

Fav 56 4361 2578
share tweet
(661): View more from California

how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?

Fav 45 1157 4035
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"

Fav 51 1446 4421
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

Fav 7 5488 1094
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

Fav 19 8243 1698
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals

Fav 15 3807 1431
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

Fav 9 5427 1739
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist

Fav 19 7189 1037
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

Fav 41 14368 1974
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

Fav 10 6621 1250
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

Fav 18 1758 6686
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.

Fav 81 5434 1453
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

Fav 63 8450 1438
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!

Fav 19 5915 900
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF

(973): View more from New Jersey

children are so perceptive these days... and horny

Fav 32 2750 1062
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.

Fav 85 14293 1583
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

Fav 10 6667 1526
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

Fav 30 5358 4253
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

Fav 22 1795 4311
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

Fav 50 7006 2903
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

Fav 21 2234 5021
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6600 2077
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

Fav 10 1545 5949
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country

Fav 9 5632 1237
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

Fav 21 6414 2295
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.

Fav 13 2278 3966
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

Fav 19 5152 1652
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

Fav 17 5339 1355
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

Fav 21 6463 1467
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

Fav 9 7095 1904
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

Fav 47 12198 2843
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

Fav 19 4500 1622
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

Fav 24 8036 2437
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

Fav 12 6452 1611
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..

Fav 15 8821 1453
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

Fav 88 15148 3443
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

Fav 12 5936 1564
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

Fav 27 7973 1546
share tweet
(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

Fav 23 14810 1606
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.

(224): View more from Illinois

it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.

Fav 24 1021 3894
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

Fav 25 10582 1354
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes

Fav 25 5797 1941
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey

Fav 14 1593 889
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

Fav 12 5651 1331
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

Fav 43 1358 6611
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10255 1637
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks

Fav 27 1589 7489
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

Fav 35 1538 5134
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

Fav 27 6357 1492
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.

Fav 14 1860 4206
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

Fav 28 11681 2190
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

Fav 17 7418 2164
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

Fav 155 8594 8963
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

Fav 20 6217 1895
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

Fav 30 9547 1509
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

Fav 27 9879 1673
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.

(905): View more from Ontario

Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.

Fav 13 4753 1335
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

Fav 27 2360 6116
share tweet
(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5328 9047
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.

Fav 18 5672 1575
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

Fav 38 7982 1699
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

Fav 19 6099 1385
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

Fav 19 5680 2999
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.

Fav 33 2053 5387
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

Fav 70 13892 6052
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

Fav 14 7182 1366
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

Fav 15 7363 1354
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.

Fav 18 1534 6626
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

Fav 35 9950 1590
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

Fav 76 17031 2587
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

Fav 35 10296 1421
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

Fav 24 2797 5771
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.

Fav 37 1264 5616
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

Fav 19 7987 1594
share tweet
(510): View more from California

well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

Fav 16 5009 1236
share tweet
(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

Fav 18 7365 1532
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.

Fav 17 1247 5853
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.

Fav 13 4700 1493
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

Fav 10 5091 1227
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

Fav 48 8333 2402
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

Fav 58 1773 9260
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

Fav 7 5580 2831
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

Fav 20 6778 1611
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

Fav 19 9377 1347
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

Fav 18 6895 1508
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

Fav 7 6695 1368
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

Fav 36 8234 1683
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

Fav 30 10030 1601
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

Fav 25 8093 1363
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

Fav 9 6331 1503
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.

Fav 27 5707 2860
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

Fav 8 5338 1786
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

Fav 15 8278 1517
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

Fav 17 4560 1601
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53791 3106
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

Fav 25 9705 1476
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

Fav 11 6210 1809
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

Fav 39 8880 1602
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

Fav 27 16990 1529
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

Fav 28 14084 2295
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem

Fav 25 5998 2657
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13126 1908
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

Fav 28 4923 2107
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

Fav 14 6055 1704
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

Fav 15 10193 1428
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

Fav 16 6909 1514
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

Fav 28 17228 1871
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

Fav 67 8632 2809
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

Fav 17 6013 1377
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

Fav 52 9482 2015
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

Fav 28 5826 1305
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

Fav 25 11128 1792
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

Fav 42 9036 5324
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Fav 39 9448 1836
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

Fav 83 18222 2407
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

Fav 10 5924 1430
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

Fav 19 8965 1489
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

Fav 6 4419 1331
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

Fav 148 3973 12930
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?

Fav 47 1733 7289
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

Fav 58 1866 10123
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

Fav 31 10061 1478
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

Fav 8 4997 1569
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

Fav 26 8536 1714
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

Fav 42 12101 1498
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny

Fav 22 6056 1270
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig

Fav 29 4966 1470
share tweet
(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

Fav 52 16748 2243
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

Fav 39 12057 1934
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

Fav 18 8395 2643
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

Fav 41 5063 7904
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

his penis was the training wheels of my sex life

Fav 16 5013 1546
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us

Fav 6 5367 1080
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

Fav 63 13880 1723
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up

Fav 15 1166 4661
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

Fav 23 1493 5938
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

Fav 24 5694 1771
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

Fav 16 6601 1381
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.

Fav 45 5158 1379
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

Fav 46 1502 10102
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

Fav 26 9156 1358
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

Fav 63 11142 2061
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

Fav 13 8461 1599
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

Fav 20 5873 1461
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me

Fav 39 8123 1752
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

Fav 40 11854 1598
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.

Fav 20 3947 1130
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.

Fav 26 7575 1352
share tweet
(661): View more from California

this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.

Fav 51 7621 2078
share tweet
(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

Fav 26 11199 1313
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

Fav 49 18835 1915
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

Fav 9 2361 5105
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

Fav 106 23664 1415
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

Fav 43 11755 1215
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

Fav 29 15044 1684
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

Fav 17 6087 1636
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.

Fav 16 7565 1268
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

Fav 29 7104 2056
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

Fav 72 13230 1640
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

Fav 100 12762 2348
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

Fav 26 10896 1536
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

Fav 65 19223 1736
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

Fav 22 10344 1710
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

(404): View more from Georgia

Dont! You were just serving you country

Fav 71 7209 2836
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

Fav 15 7671 1928
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

Fav 26 10469 2107
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

Fav 31 5653 2556
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs

Fav 15 5981 1268
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

Fav 33 12252 2651
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

Fav 21 4010 4855
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

Fav 29 17913 1675
share tweet
(+52): View more from Mexico

that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

Fav 10 4904 1724
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....

Fav 12 1388 5690
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

Fav 33 9767 1666
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28047 1881
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

Fav 29 10936 1626
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.

Fav 12 5483 1400
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

Fav 25 6757 1418
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.

Fav 11 1410 3513
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

Fav 13 5129 1194
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.

Fav 15 1321 5567
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

Fav 27 8288 1779
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

Fav 29 7047 1520
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.

Fav 17 9173 1305
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

Fav 29 8588 1928
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

Fav 23 7926 1465
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29358 1880
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.

Fav 82 1471 5010
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

Fav 36 16875 1737
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

Fav 21 6966 1897
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

Fav 42 10355 2110
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

Fav 29 10370 2006
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

Fav 52 10123 1656
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

Fav 17 3135 3957
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

Fav 21 7258 1374
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.

Fav 16 8750 1376
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better

Fav 7 1050 4672
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.

Fav 14 5257 877
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day

Fav 36 6524 1592
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.

Fav 20 2353 3793
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?

Fav 10 5405 1075
share tweet
(805): View more from California

i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila

Fav 17 4041 1511
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing

Fav 71 13086 1616
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

Fav 74 10042 1466
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

Fav 27 1911 7676
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

Fav 73 19509 4227
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.

Fav 38 5182 1081
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8567 49747
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

Fav 19 9224 1457
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.

Fav 21 6231 1613
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

Fav 45 7831 1208
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

Fav 42 18334 1446
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

Fav 51 9351 1297
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

Fav 36 7474 1738
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...

Fav 60 4908 1973
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me

Fav 20 1976 4933
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door

(865): View more from Tennessee

and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

Fav 23 7920 1165
share tweet
(951): View more from California

yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.

Fav 63 1923 10519
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month

Fav 8 2898 770
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?

Fav 50 1498 3089
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7731 42055
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.

(989): View more from Michigan

you're going for the gold here.

Fav 9 3032 817
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

Fav 19 10540 1295
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

Fav 48 21451 2743
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

Fav 28 9452 1772
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

Fav 15 9306 1177
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

Fav 28 11497 1766
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"

Fav 17 5281 1123
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

Fav 90 8428 1661
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

Fav 32 2825 7566
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21536 1606
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him

Fav 60 6806 1327
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

Fav 29 11662 1237
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

Fav 25 1592 11209
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

Fav 27 8573 1895
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

Fav 37 14062 1414
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow

Fav 18 4420 1280
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

Fav 27 3690 4444
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....

Fav 20 936 5615
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Does God suck his dick?

Fav 105 1620 6129
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.

Fav 45 8023 1085
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

Fav 30 9572 1756
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.

Fav 14 4514 1079
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61944 8175
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

Fav 88 10193 2116
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.

Fav 36 1382 7609
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added

Fav 13 5337 853
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.

Fav 29 6139 1715
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.

Fav 25 6506 953
share tweet
(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

Fav 74 42090 1696
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

Fav 34 7586 1641
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.

Fav 29 1160 7719
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

Fav 36 8192 1226
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

Fav 58 9267 1416
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

Fav 54 19288 1239
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

Fav 209 64418 3037
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

Fav 61 15123 1525
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

Fav 18 9911 1135
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.

Fav 29 2551 7418
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.

Fav 23 7098 1851
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

Fav 23 7007 2478
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.

Fav 15 7174 2532
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

Fav 67 12420 1592
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you talking about my vagina?

Fav 29 9217 1267
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

Fav 30 8324 1681
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

Fav 18 2727 3963
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.

Fav 24 6675 1462
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.

Fav 44 2689 5606
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".

Fav 47 1670 6761
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.

Fav 22 4366 1093
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid

Fav 48 8082 1089
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends

Fav 35 1814 4904
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest

Fav 37 5647 1305
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?

Fav 29 1405 4902
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.

Fav 40 1596 8679
share tweet
(818): View more from California

We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.

Fav 26 6067 1507
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

Fav 22 6981 1364
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.

Fav 18 1070 5804
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.

Fav 20 8119 2419
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge

Fav 7 5766 882
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

Fav 105 18410 1415
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.

Fav 78 6124 3033
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?

Fav 21 8116 1014
share tweet
(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

Fav 111 10310 2184
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok

Fav 37 7582 1283
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.

Fav 20 4653 2401
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...

Fav 22 2930 4033
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

Fav 20 7084 1212
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

Fav 32 8973 1274
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."

Fav 17 6105 1079
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.

Fav 50 7415 1127
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.

Fav 22 6751 870
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

Fav 259 5460 5328
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i have a dinosaur tramp stamp

Fav 60 8577 2432
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.

Fav 60 2548 7918
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.

Fav 4 4505 793
share tweet
(714): View more from California

20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"

Fav 33 6141 1375
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?

Fav 99 2068 5908
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.

Fav 12 10023 1192
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke

Fav 16 6695 1088
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,

Fav 11 3558 1422
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love

Fav 26 6713 920
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees

Fav 17 4546 1501
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

they had a keg party to fund her abortion.

Fav 79 2949 5460
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

Fav 44 22024 1548
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.

Fav 15 1718 4739
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

Fav 43 7252 1349
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.

Fav 53 2914 4702
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok

Fav 35 1370 7540
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.

Fav 14 925 5996
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch

(1-631): View more from New York

that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her

Fav 28 1496 6420
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

Fav 91 2370 10207
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.

Fav 27 955 13278
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?

Fav 9 1564 4969
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.

Fav 21 1493 7320
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.

Fav 6 1852 5753
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I puked off the balcony.

(1-831): View more from California

Not horrible

(831): View more from California

Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

Fav 11 2720 9414
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.

Fav 14 1287 4566
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront

Fav 46 1399 4851
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...

Fav 9 1905 5003
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.

Fav 8 3832 829
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life

Fav 11 1376 4581
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

Fav 24 18758 1370
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet

Fav 13 5139 896
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong

Fav 20 5476 1030
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

thatta girl

Fav 28 5385 1508
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

Fav 26 6426 1147
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.

Fav 31 6140 2416
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.

Fav 30 8104 1398
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.

Fav 21 4227 1540
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

Fav 5 6905 1011
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.

Fav 59 6426 1628
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?

Fav 64 4053 5639
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.

Fav 14 6015 891
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.

Fav 22 6942 824
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.

Fav 64 9191 1141
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.

Fav 13 5866 1307
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.

Fav 49 6622 1993
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went

Fav 7 2000 3654
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.

(662): View more from Mississippi

I think college has really matured you.

Fav 19 4848 946
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...

Fav 40 1614 6326
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me

(781): View more from Massachusetts

dont be selfish, show some boob

Fav 54 7474 1580
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

Fav 36 13080 1461
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

Fav 58 1593 13527
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

Fav 35 12443 1601
share tweet