Texts From Last Night · R4g3quitter's Favorites

Sorry flyergirl hasn't picked any favorites yet.

R4g3quitter's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

Fav 5 2247 686
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.

Fav 7 615 1678
share tweet

(720): View more from Colorado

This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.

Fav 1 1504 646
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I bought something for you today. You'll love it.

(909): View more from California

What is it? Drugs?

Fav 4 1353 700
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

Fav 8 1874 796
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.

Fav 5 1244 632
share tweet

(423): View more from Tennessee

He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now

(561): View more from Florida

I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.

Fav 5 700 1440
share tweet

(647): View more from Ontario

Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward

Fav 7 1866 1100
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad

Fav 7 1859 800
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.

(616): View more from Michigan

2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.

Fav 6 1369 727
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.

Fav 7 1712 795
share tweet

(512): View more from Texas

Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.

Fav 1 968 496
share tweet

(860): View more from Connecticut

I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.

(860): View more from Connecticut

Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.

Fav 2 698 808
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.

Fav 4 1199 655
share tweet

(917): View more from New York City

My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts

Fav 3 1128 637
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you

Fav 1 1360 589
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.

Fav 18 3454 739
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.

Fav 3 1287 689
share tweet
(916): View more from California

There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE

Fav 2 1019 609
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.

Fav 9 1427 688
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"

Fav 3 2326 649
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.

Fav 4 1389 689
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.

Fav 2 1019 553
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

did you know gatorade and rum go really good together

(1-210): View more from Texas

Are you doing depressed science again

(210): View more from Texas

maybe

Fav 4 1198 740
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs

Fav 3 968 576
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.

Fav 4 1155 820
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.

Fav 3 986 738
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

Fav 4 1934 692
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"

Fav 0 1095 576
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross

Fav 0 1316 573
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Nothing says love like couples STD testing

(972): View more from Texas

Nothing says breakup like the results

Fav 7 1841 960
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.

Fav 3 627 1083
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.

Fav 2 838 566
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Use "feeling words"

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Yay

Fav 3 923 606
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I need rollerblades now

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Rollerblades pick up bitches

Fav 7 1244 624
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.

Fav 18 2381 720
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there

Fav 3 714 561
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.

Fav 6 1645 772
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.

(859): View more from Kentucky

The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.

Fav 4 957 1540
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.

Fav 3 1136 601
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk

Fav 1 1387 660
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors

Fav 3 1239 643
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.

(404): View more from Georgia

Good luck

(770): View more from Georgia

Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes

Fav 3 1059 636
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,

Fav 3 850 549
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry

Fav 9 1334 604
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.

Fav 8 1289 711
share tweet
(805): View more from California

It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

Fav 5 1749 870
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving

(1-818): View more from California

At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.

Fav 1 1098 630
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.

Fav 6 2145 676
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year

Fav 4 1370 705
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

It has heated floors

Fav 4 1985 670
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

we need a secret handshake

Fav 7 1844 666
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing

(1-619): View more from California

Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this

(619): View more from California

...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...

Fav 4 1537 801
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...

Fav 3 1030 822
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.

Fav 2 1148 518
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.

Fav 4 1447 631
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.

Fav 2 889 539
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire

Fav 7 1856 782
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

Fav 4 2062 647
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES

Fav 6 1183 688
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

Fav 10 2704 781
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.

Fav 3 1143 795
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed

Fav 1 1168 684
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.

Fav 16 1324 672
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.

Fav 0 1196 616
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I like the wholesome side of you

(571): View more from Virginia

I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

Fav 3 1878 716
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

Fav 7 2789 813
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out

Fav 8 1053 647
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.

Fav 4 2262 651
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.

Fav 4 779 1145
share tweet
(562): View more from California

There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.

Fav 6 1363 721
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.

Fav 4 1335 935
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping

Fav 6 1495 563
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Put some vodka in it

(424): View more from California

Its 7am

(323): View more from California

put some vodka in it

Fav 7 2269 777
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you

Fav 11 1328 2018
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....

Fav 0 595 905
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me

(937): View more from Ohio

And I also said, "probe me"

Fav 8 1200 848
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

Fav 19 1023 1848
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.

Fav 4 1450 653
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.

Fav 7 1552 671
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late

Fav 2 876 567
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.

Fav 12 2669 753
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.

Fav 4 1231 596
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.

Fav 7 1120 658
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights

Fav 5 1275 702
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.

Fav 6 2124 791
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out

Fav 13 1004 1371
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter

(1-253): View more from Washington

Wow, he seems so solid

Fav 7 1848 766
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.

Fav 10 3297 786
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator

Fav 4 1792 797
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome

Fav 3 612 864
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing

Fav 4 1207 687
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.

Fav 4 777 1495
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.

Fav 4 1417 637
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.

Fav 1 1345 685
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.

Fav 5 1600 763
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.

Fav 5 680 1086
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.

Fav 1 1404 544
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....

(1+44): View more from

The baked potato bra?

Fav 4 875 1055
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...

(226): View more from Ontario

did I at least say anything...

(519): View more from Ontario

you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

Fav 6 2381 811
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

(216): View more from Ohio

Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

Fav 4 2138 880
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.

Fav 9 2025 930
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever

Fav 22 3606 892
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)

Fav 1 1281 580
share tweet
(949): View more from California

We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.

Fav 14 2732 648
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...

Fav 2 661 1181
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror

Fav 14 1232 868
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"

Fav 2 957 611
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS

Fav 1 899 802
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done

Fav 5 1265 777
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.

Fav 2 1423 555
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.

Fav 7 1640 798
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.

Fav 15 1050 1664
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.

(504): View more from Louisiana

This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.

Fav 2 1218 709
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS

Fav 5 1193 1390
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.

Fav 10 2890 811
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!

(770): View more from Georgia

Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.

Fav 10 2205 824
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?

Fav 4 672 1012
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.

Fav 8 710 1403
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.

Fav 13 1638 756
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.

Fav 13 913 1092
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.

Fav 12 1228 830
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

Fav 4 2727 828
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.

Fav 6 1239 731
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.

Fav 5 3128 666
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

Fav 5 2337 735
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.

Fav 2 1245 663
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?

Fav 8 1925 715
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent

Fav 2 1051 617
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name

Fav 2 1963 732
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.

Fav 8 799 1128
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I have major gossip for you.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh no, did you have sex last night?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.

Fav 8 1745 771
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.

Fav 5 1664 573
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party

Fav 5 2099 750
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.

(1-951): View more from California

Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.

Fav 10 1747 823
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?

Fav 6 1115 730
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.

Fav 4 1683 656
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.

Fav 14 1781 671
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant

Fav 10 1464 651
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

Fav 4 2956 818
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?

Fav 14 802 1588
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car

Fav 6 1453 598
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate

Fav 2 1161 684
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Outside

Fav 16 2689 798
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

Fav 7 1865 944
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?

Fav 4 1165 557
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever

Fav 29 3043 951
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.

Fav 6 1291 865
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated

Fav 6 1368 663
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)

Fav 3 1129 693
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

Fav 6 888 1940
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin

Fav 6 1170 877
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.

Fav 10 1095 693
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.

Fav 4 1076 594
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.

Fav 7 1475 580
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.

Fav 4 1186 663
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.

Fav 3 2105 620
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?

Fav 2 1028 542
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday

Fav 5 812 1067
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.

Fav 2 1184 614
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

Fav 7 1846 1032
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

Fav 4 1731 865
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?

Fav 23 1995 1173
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.

Fav 4 1484 861
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

Fav 11 4028 894
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out

Fav 4 783 1204
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.

(630): View more from Illinois

As weird as it sounds I would totally be down

Fav 8 1475 892
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

Fav 27 2891 932
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.

Fav 11 1594 727
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM

Fav 23 1609 683
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

Fav 21 1783 958
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

Fav 10 2755 849
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single

Fav 3 1407 689
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will

Fav 3 1041 1048
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"

Fav 10 1599 763
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.

Fav 5 887 1589
share tweet
(760): View more from California

We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix

(760): View more from California

THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE

Fav 5 1811 704
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick

Fav 9 1395 667
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.

(732): View more from New Jersey

you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.

(732): View more from New Jersey

IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.

Fav 6 1641 903
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask

Fav 4 1562 658
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.

Fav 21 3757 1099
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me

Fav 4 3245 1363
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

Fav 17 7158 1641
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

Fav 6 2581 1034
share tweet
(408): View more from California

so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing

Fav 15 2718 798
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.

Fav 5 1070 1567
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.

(1-561): View more from Florida

How high are you?

Fav 19 1242 1923
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

Fav 7 3237 891
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

Fav 4 1939 834
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

Fav 10 1865 843
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent

Fav 6 706 1480
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero

Fav 9 1804 754
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.

Fav 7 1657 1130
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.

Fav 9 2067 1040
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.

Fav 4 1058 646
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.

Fav 12 1949 1046
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.

Fav 6 2103 942
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

Fav 11 2475 823
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

Fav 10 2205 964
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

Fav 12 3189 904
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

Fav 6 3467 1011
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

Fav 21 5271 1145
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

Fav 43 1317 3808
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.

Fav 9 1754 786
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

Fav 53 8221 1346
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?

(1-207): View more from Maine

since 2006

Fav 7 2530 842
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...

Fav 3 1756 1086
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.

Fav 5 1184 676
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.

Fav 7 722 1220
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.

Fav 2 1814 787
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon

Fav 3 1371 665
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.

Fav 9 1401 1104
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him

Fav 9 1622 788
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.

Fav 7 1887 1050
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.

Fav 9 1800 1033
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went

Fav 12 956 1946
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.

Fav 1 801 1096
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.

Fav 15 1507 1096
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?

Fav 5 2096 1051
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way

Fav 8 757 1279
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...

Fav 10 3310 858
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.

Fav 9 727 1823
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future

Fav 15 1137 2033
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back

Fav 6 1727 907
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend

Fav 1 1079 713
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.

Fav 6 1100 696
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want

Fav 7 1320 715
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.

Fav 2 1176 876
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"

Fav 4 892 1185
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.

Fav 3 733 1024
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles

Fav 12 1245 760
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do

Fav 5 1372 767
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.

Fav 5 2297 912
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It was like giving head to a cactus.

Fav 14 789 2248
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.

Fav 5 2421 1001
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out

Fav 4 1925 873
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

Fav 16 4379 1159
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

Fav 13 2280 880
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.

Fav 5 1463 854
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

Fav 23 3339 1069
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You are a booty call, not a friend.

Fav 9 1801 1810
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

Fav 10 2311 1165
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

Fav 8 2139 843
share tweet
(951): View more from California

He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".

Fav 12 1240 1745
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.

Fav 9 2610 1289
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST

Fav 4 825 1409
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.

Fav 2 738 1381
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".

Fav 8 1923 1252
share tweet
(626): View more from California

AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN

(1-626): View more from California

we're fated to lesbian

Fav 5 1551 907
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.

Fav 16 1735 938
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.

Fav 7 1563 864
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.

Fav 19 2525 924
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.

Fav 6 1393 736
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

Fav 17 2583 1183
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...

Fav 13 761 2303
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.

Fav 3 957 1342
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"

Fav 8 1903 801
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.

Fav 11 773 2715
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.

Fav 14 1356 765
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

An old lady WILL get vomited on today.

Fav 4 909 1326
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.

Fav 5 1424 844
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!

Fav 7 1530 958
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.

Fav 2 1267 883
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.

Fav 1 1206 674
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.

Fav 16 2149 828
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.

Fav 6 1799 927
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.

Fav 8 1680 765
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar

Fav 8 1650 865
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom

Fav 8 2656 947
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

Fav 9 2897 826
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks

Fav 7 1474 1540
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.

Fav 10 2229 891
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.

Fav 2 1596 1125
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.

Fav 7 2174 805
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Ya that ship has sailed dude

Fav 4 1601 774
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery

Fav 7 790 1185
share tweet
(530): View more from California

My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.

(916): View more from California

That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.

Fav 1 2375 844
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.

Fav 2 1098 1144
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

Fav 11 2115 870
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.

Fav 5 2208 884
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.

Fav 1 1582 718
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.

Fav 25 1924 1702
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just feel like you're using me for sex.

(383): View more from

I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship

Fav 16 2565 1524
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.

Fav 5 1921 807
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.

Fav 20 909 3339
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?

Fav 13 1519 1592
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself

Fav 13 2783 1121
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."

Fav 3 2118 780
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.

Fav 6 1702 781
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

Fav 6 1915 913
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.

Fav 4 2212 1449
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"

(406): View more from Montana

Midwestern nice.

Fav 10 3369 1132
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.

Fav 16 1586 1104
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.

Fav 0 1180 641
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.

Fav 6 1852 783
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.

Fav 11 1634 702
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO

Fav 14 2867 966
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?

Fav 9 2244 1070
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs

Fav 5 2086 760
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.

Fav 3 2353 795
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.

Fav 14 1656 739
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.

Fav 8 1761 803
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.

Fav 5 1708 722
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.

Fav 4 1503 719
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.

Fav 12 3217 896
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.

Fav 7 2240 1041
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested

Fav 4 2083 889
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.

Fav 5 1494 1110
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.

Fav 7 1305 785
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT

(440): View more from Ohio

COME TO THE BLANKET FORT

Fav 4 1610 827
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period

Fav 8 2570 820
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I need a burrito and a hug.

Fav 13 1630 843
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.

Fav 7 1487 813
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS

Fav 2 1285 696
share tweet
(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

Fav 12 3433 927
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

Fav 20 3936 1227
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.

Fav 7 785 1471
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.

Fav 5 1382 807
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.

Fav 9 930 1660
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.

Fav 6 1377 724
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.

Fav 7 2665 826
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?

Fav 8 821 1215
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.

Fav 10 1096 1443
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.

Fav 15 2593 823
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode

Fav 26 2483 955
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends

Fav 3 1588 685
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again

Fav 7 1807 741
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book

Fav 4 1230 817
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.

Fav 5 809 1757
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."

Fav 5 1650 778
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.

Fav 6 988 1642
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.

Fav 7 1818 772
share tweet
(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

Fav 4 3805 997
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily

Fav 7 2405 899
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.

Fav 4 1272 784
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'

Fav 7 2059 802
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.

Fav 21 1042 1445
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

You fool.

Fav 10 1368 1158
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me

Fav 19 1553 1314
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.

Fav 4 1582 697
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

Fav 7 3022 837
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.

Fav 8 2253 1307
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I will pee on everything he values.

Fav 8 1569 918
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket

Fav 5 841 1653
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

Fav 24 4668 1053
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.

Fav 7 834 994
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.

Fav 7 884 1586
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?

Fav 4 2243 778
share tweet
(818): View more from California

No...this little piggys going to the bar

Fav 5 1963 781
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

Fav 37 2541 8446
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.

Fav 12 1156 939
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.

Fav 28 4399 1049
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.

Fav 8 1374 756
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.

Fav 10 1770 892
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.

Fav 6 2156 691
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.

(1-765): View more from Indiana

And an everlasting friendship

Fav 8 2113 853
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.

Fav 5 2049 720
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

Fav 7 2483 911
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?

Fav 11 1466 1137
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

Fav 19 4768 1069
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

Fav 9 4406 1234
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

Fav 7 2438 822
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?

Fav 8 2759 971
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.

Fav 6 1597 832
share tweet
(619): View more from California

For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.

Fav 14 2205 821
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

Fav 12 5456 1264
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.

Fav 12 5619 1128
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

Fav 42 10800 1673
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Fav 39 9445 1835
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

Fav 16 8001 1779
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

Fav 9 2996 956
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

Fav 9 3243 1148
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

(256): View more from Alabama

FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

Fav 6 1920 1246
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.

Fav 6 2236 908
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.

Fav 15 1518 815
share tweet
(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

Fav 42 4185 9591
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance

Fav 2 1385 739
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday

Fav 13 1498 1102
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises

Fav 3 1129 706
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.

Fav 7 1812 808
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!

(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not seeing this movie with you.

Fav 9 1802 1259
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER

Fav 13 1982 924
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.

Fav 9 2620 868
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

Fav 7 2600 987
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.

Fav 4 1312 836
share tweet
(805): View more from California

The air was thick with penises

Fav 4 1536 889
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.

Fav 10 1649 709
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?

Fav 4 1487 743
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.

Fav 10 2498 745
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."

Fav 8 1102 1590
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

Fav 19 4024 1097
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.

Fav 3 1219 1166
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

i think i broke my dog last night...fuck

Fav 6 700 2014
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.

Fav 17 2118 991
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing

Fav 22 1699 5030
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

Fav 7 5688 1451
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.

Fav 8 2215 1040
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.

Fav 11 2656 946
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?

Fav 8 1923 792
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.

Fav 1 1528 647
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.

Fav 7 1430 786
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

(712): View more from Iowa

What's an angry pirate?

(702): View more from Nevada

You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

Fav 32 1517 2013
share tweet
(464): View more from Illinois

He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.

Fav 10 2814 970
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.

Fav 13 1809 1060
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.

Fav 10 1379 806
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!

Fav 8 1721 1012
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!

Fav 12 2372 1074
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.

Fav 10 2815 1262
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?

Fav 5 1462 729
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.

Fav 8 2706 1099
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?

Fav 7 2427 843
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit

Fav 9 2238 738
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Stop whining I left you with whiskey

(224): View more from Illinois

YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

Fav 6 2485 1110
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.

Fav 26 1825 1022
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

Fav 18 3737 1258
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

Fav 14 1699 4707
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.

Fav 9 2460 915
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.

Fav 3 1616 854
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

I will rub McFlurries all over you.

Fav 8 1867 876
share tweet
(779): View more from Illinois

I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.

Fav 13 2324 1861
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

Fav 8 2509 938
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

Fav 63 15754 1366
share tweet
(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

Fav 73 16812 1657
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17092 1832
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

Fav 50 17083 1244
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

Fav 63 17502 1634
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

Fav 38 18133 2486
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

Fav 49 18833 1913
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

Fav 51 18893 1734
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21184 1938
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

Fav 91 22468 3683
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23540 2197
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

Fav 68 26526 1823
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

Fav 55 27830 2972
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

Fav 157 32502 1783
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

Fav 210 33065 3529
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35243 2055
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38253 5878
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39787 2523
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48822 2421
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53247 2386
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53565 2640
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53710 3599
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53650 6693
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59119 5676
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61939 8169
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67662 4391
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82800 5241
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

Fav 184 96422 5743
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137226 6911
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies

Fav 7 1761 1004
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

Fav 8 2040 1051
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.

Fav 6 2189 713
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.

Fav 7 1871 953
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.

Fav 10 2352 717
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

Fav 11 3813 938
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.

(1-310): View more from California

You're sick. Take pictures if you can.

Fav 4 2112 839
share tweet
(805): View more from California

It's like a toaster oven for my penis

Fav 7 1176 737
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.

Fav 5 1431 912
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.

Fav 10 2432 898
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"

Fav 8 1972 958
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

Fav 6 3638 1063
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"

Fav 2 1751 758
share tweet
(916): View more from California

She said she liked strap-ons.

(1-916): View more from California

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

Fav 14 3304 983
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.

Fav 10 1638 951
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass

Fav 5 1742 783
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or

Fav 21 2050 1183
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

Fav 16 3159 1494
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

Fav 16 4234 922
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.

Fav 9 2527 755
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"

Fav 6 2538 828
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

Fav 12 2583 1165
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.

Fav 12 1600 811
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye

Fav 10 1038 1335
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

Fav 11 2273 768
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

Fav 19 4370 1002
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.

Fav 8 1444 784
share tweet
(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

Fav 14 4448 1315
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.

Fav 4 949 1739
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

Fav 16 5350 1142
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

Fav 5 2420 1035
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.

Fav 12 3694 891
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.

Fav 8 2830 858
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.

Fav 6 3207 920
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

Fav 11 2493 930
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.

Fav 2 1641 825
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in

Fav 3 1363 921
share tweet
(714): View more from California

A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.

Fav 8 1885 1101
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

Fav 5 5012 1043
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

Fav 19 3713 1031
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

Fav 4 2385 800
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.

Fav 15 3411 878
share tweet
(510): View more from California

This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

(925): View more from California

Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

Fav 7 3556 892
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

Fav 26 1366 2965
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.

Fav 8 2184 787
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

Fav 12 6940 1202
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you

Fav 3 2006 906
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

Fav 29 3853 1029
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.

Fav 9 1625 837
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now

Fav 7 2920 862
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

Fav 9 4151 1420
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

Fav 15 5204 1122
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?

Fav 9 1213 2109
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.

Fav 17 1141 2714
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed

Fav 25 2109 1222
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.

Fav 5 699 1468
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.

Fav 35 3416 1077
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

Fav 8 3829 1112
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think

Fav 15 1931 1057
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.

Fav 21 2510 1388
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

Fav 21 3801 1084
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina

Fav 9 2882 1046
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.

Fav 17 3117 1242
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

Fav 11 3992 1478
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.

Fav 5 1569 1112
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

Fav 5 1774 901
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom

Fav 6 941 2468
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

Fav 13 4467 1188
share tweet
(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

Fav 13 4992 1251
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

Fav 10 6265 1319
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

Fav 23 6538 1353
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

Fav 24 6915 1240
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

Fav 8 2458 926
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

Fav 12 2977 1394
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.

Fav 24 5116 1052
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

Fav 9 2767 1032
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

Fav 11 7275 1278
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

Fav 23 7704 1289
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

Fav 17 6560 1265
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

Fav 11 1662 3039
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

Fav 10 1756 3380
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I will fight anything that is not spinning right now

Fav 9 2961 1276
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"

Fav 4 1362 2906
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.

Fav 16 4894 1189
share tweet
(559): View more from California

can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

Fav 16 6238 1306
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

Fav 14 5901 2119
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?

Fav 14 3494 2007
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..

Fav 19 5536 1553
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.

Fav 19 4787 1383
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

Fav 18 1943 7169
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.

Fav 23 1770 5758
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.

Fav 19 5393 1516
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.

Fav 16 1939 3696
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

Fav 9 1981 4887
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

Fav 22 9104 1245
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY

Fav 8 2498 1488
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.

Fav 24 4444 1557
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.

Fav 22 4862 1304
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

Fav 20 2380 3028
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

Fav 15 6610 1402
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in

Fav 14 3782 1034
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

Fav 34 8167 1051
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Fav 80 32308 1628
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.

Fav 38 1203 5249
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

Fav 168 6293 7203
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion

Fav 15 5542 1176
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.

Fav 25 5120 1008
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you

Fav 16 1312 4353
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.

Fav 14 1468 2983
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears

Fav 19 5282 1027
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

Fav 20 7242 1849
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.

Fav 15 3806 1960
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

Fav 10 10143 1539
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

Fav 16 4274 1917
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

Fav 23 9332 1317
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent

Fav 6 2808 1215
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..

Fav 13 1091 5271
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

Fav 20 4817 1177
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL

Fav 4 3210 1142
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

Fav 18 3811 1237
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

Fav 32 5908 1281
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"

Fav 20 4954 1432
share tweet
(831): View more from California

So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

Fav 21 3021 3844
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

Fav 27 8485 1598
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

Fav 20 1381 6577
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

Fav 12 1433 5581
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

Fav 31 7188 2193
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

Fav 7 4454 1117
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.

Fav 9 3871 1348
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."

Fav 26 4580 1334
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

Fav 13 5780 1243
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

Fav 13 1688 4856
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

Fav 7 1812 3732
share tweet
(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

Fav 25 3955 6649
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

Fav 26 12175 2165
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken

Fav 18 2303 4802
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.

Fav 9 5410 1627
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

Fav 22 2277 9000
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

Fav 40 5659 5471
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

Fav 28 5201 2118
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.

Fav 29 7566 1427
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.

Fav 9 1847 4483
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..

Fav 15 4450 1483
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.

Fav 5 4149 1138
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?

Fav 18 6103 1148
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out

Fav 9 1264 4461
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired

Fav 18 4411 2061
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.

Fav 19 1970 3665
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

Fav 14 8353 2005
share tweet