Texts From Last Night · aluraa's Favorites

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aluraa's Favorites Texts:

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

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(503): View more from Oregon

If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.

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(443): View more from Maryland

and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp

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(940): View more from Texas

Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work

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(914): View more from New York

my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.

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(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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(770): View more from Georgia

I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(940): View more from Texas

He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.

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(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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(317): View more from Indiana

disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell

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(816): View more from Missouri

I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice

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(705): View more from Ontario

I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.

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(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.

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(408): View more from California

I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure

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(312): View more from Illinois

Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.

(773): View more from Illinois

You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

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(276): View more from Virginia

Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(714): View more from California

I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister

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(714): View more from California

if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it

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(907): View more from Alaska

I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"

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(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(619): View more from California

i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already

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(518): View more from New York

I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.

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(314): View more from Missouri

pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...

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(216): View more from Ohio

When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(631): View more from New York

You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.

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(303): View more from Colorado

But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

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(365): View more from

I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.

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(360): View more from Washington

I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too

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(850): View more from Florida

I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea

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(512): View more from Texas

will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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(703): View more from Virginia

had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.

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(925): View more from California

I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom

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(516): View more from New York

Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.

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(805): View more from California

I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.

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(503): View more from Oregon

When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..

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(206): View more from Washington

someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here

(601): View more from Mississippi

on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self

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(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech

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(813): View more from Florida

It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS

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(317): View more from Indiana

Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.

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(713): View more from Texas

Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.

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(858): View more from California

We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up

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(425): View more from Washington

You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(970): View more from Colorado

There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen

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(406): View more from Montana

To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my phone needs a breathalizer

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(303): View more from Colorado

well if you came here i would keep you awake :*

(1-303): View more from Colorado

did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay

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(914): View more from New York

you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(925): View more from California

We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(845): View more from New York

Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"

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(315): View more from New York

Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

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(925): View more from California

if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars

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(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(903): View more from Texas

One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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(646): View more from New York

how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(908): View more from New Jersey

But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(954): View more from Florida

i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.

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(914): View more from New York

Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

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(618): View more from Illinois

We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(704): View more from North Carolina

First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Fuck I'm high.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(907): View more from Alaska

The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.

(907): View more from Alaska

Nevermind, it's not water.

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(515): View more from Iowa

once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

whose oscar?

(203): View more from Connecticut

the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(312): View more from Illinois

If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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(937): View more from Ohio

i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight

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(845): View more from New York

im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars

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(802): View more from Vermont

She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here

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(480): View more from Arizona

you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.

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(954): View more from Florida

Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?

(787): View more from Puerto Rico

No, it just says ur easy

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(480): View more from Arizona

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(330): View more from Ohio

If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.

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(765): View more from Indiana

It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(903): View more from Texas

Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(716): View more from New York

If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.

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(415): View more from California

Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in

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(619): View more from California

Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(585): View more from New York

I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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(416): View more from Toronto

He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(314): View more from Missouri

I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.

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(310): View more from California

My entire life is one complicated drinking game

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(616): View more from Michigan

sometimes you have to go after what you want

(313): View more from Michigan

true. and i really want to cum

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

did i?

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(425): View more from Washington

Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.

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(916): View more from California

Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

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(216): View more from Ohio

She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.

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(650): View more from California

Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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(904): View more from Florida

hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(815): View more from Illinois

The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.

(928): View more from Arizona

wow.

(815): View more from Illinois

But it's a REALLY good back rub.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(647): View more from Ontario

Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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(518): View more from New York

I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward

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(757): View more from Virginia

he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it

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(315): View more from New York

i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today

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(912): View more from Georgia

His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.

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(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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(913): View more from Kansas

I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Are you okay?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first

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(515): View more from Iowa

The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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(518): View more from New York

i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(943): View more from

You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

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(609): View more from New Jersey

People in love make me want to vomit

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(510): View more from California

Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

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(949): View more from California

while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself

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(317): View more from Indiana

He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.

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(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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(205): View more from Alabama

i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

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(817): View more from Texas

she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.

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(360): View more from Washington

his personality makes his face look like an asshole.

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(229): View more from Georgia

my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he's my edward cullen

(770): View more from Georgia

I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.

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(757): View more from Virginia

No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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(802): View more from Vermont

my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...

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(330): View more from Ohio

Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.

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(562): View more from California

not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.

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(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(253): View more from Washington

That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(562): View more from California

Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

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(347): View more from New York

Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(650): View more from California

I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.

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(708): View more from Illinois

i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(540): View more from Virginia

My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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