Texts From Last Night · fangras08's Favorites

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.

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(512): View more from Texas

its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

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(845): View more from New York

my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

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(678): View more from Georgia

Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.

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(914): View more from New York

What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

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(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.

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(716): View more from New York

i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.

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(516): View more from New York

The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"

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(706): View more from Georgia

That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.

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(905): View more from Ontario

They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

(905): View more from Ontario

And sadly I did.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Pass out mid-funnel last night.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(425): View more from Washington

I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

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(432): View more from Texas

He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"

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(302): View more from Delaware

just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator

(908): View more from New Jersey

hello competition

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

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(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

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(301): View more from Maryland

she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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(707): View more from California

the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.

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(514): View more from Quebec

You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.

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(310): View more from California

as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(419): View more from Ohio

My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

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(810): View more from Michigan

I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(646): View more from New York

I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing

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(541): View more from Oregon

does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(240): View more from Maryland

Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(817): View more from Texas

MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.

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(352): View more from Florida

I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.

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(407): View more from Florida

the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?

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(315): View more from New York

im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

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(360): View more from Washington

Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.

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(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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(248): View more from Michigan

Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...

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(323): View more from California

Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me

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(248): View more from Michigan

Cold hands, warm shart.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate

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(407): View more from Florida

Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.

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(248): View more from Michigan

with your own penis?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is that you in the white hat?

(248): View more from Michigan

Fine suit yourself

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(440): View more from Ohio

if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret

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(917): View more from New York City

your thong is hanging out like whoa

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(313): View more from Michigan

I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?

(312): View more from Illinois

It's worth it.

(248): View more from Michigan

How worth it?

(312): View more from Illinois

Back door worth it

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer

(678): View more from Georgia

you spelled her name wrong

(404): View more from Georgia

not you too!!

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(310): View more from California

i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.

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(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop

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(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.

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(702): View more from Nevada

His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(469): View more from Texas

Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(660): View more from Missouri

He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

it was like fucking gandolphs beard

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous

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(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He played with my vagina like it was a turntable

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(614): View more from Ohio

I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I'm not sure what to say to that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i must have dtf stamped on my forehead

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"

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(770): View more from Georgia

Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time

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(516): View more from New York

she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?

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(705): View more from Ontario

"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....

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(519): View more from Ontario

i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??

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(702): View more from Nevada

And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse

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(704): View more from North Carolina

it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand

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(317): View more from Indiana

hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'

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(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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(289): View more from Ontario

Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.

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(239): View more from Florida

just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.

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(627): View more from California

his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie

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(614): View more from Ohio

she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.

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(315): View more from New York

You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?

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(626): View more from California

Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower

(571): View more from Virginia

She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task

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(410): View more from Maryland

So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...

(435): View more from Utah

A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(707): View more from California

Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.

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(817): View more from Texas

I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail

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(561): View more from Florida

It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?

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(407): View more from Florida

Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord

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(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

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(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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(225): View more from Louisiana

is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?

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(818): View more from California

She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?

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(954): View more from Florida

I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.

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(512): View more from Texas

I pooped in a mop bucket.

(1-512): View more from Texas

WTF???

(512): View more from Texas

Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(208): View more from Idaho

found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.

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(770): View more from Georgia

if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?

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(518): View more from New York

just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

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(815): View more from Illinois

Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

ru fi oooo

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(442): View more from California

seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.

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(214): View more from Texas

In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion

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(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

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(702): View more from Nevada

no you cant smoke seaweed

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?

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(630): View more from Illinois

there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose

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(850): View more from Florida

when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(707): View more from California

Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?

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(815): View more from Illinois

escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.

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(406): View more from Montana

someone owes me an orgasm

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(323): View more from California

my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.

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(740): View more from Ohio

There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(714): View more from California

dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.

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(208): View more from Idaho

We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.

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(417): View more from Missouri

i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

ugh. my soul tastes like vodka

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(305): View more from Florida

So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?

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(313): View more from Michigan

That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.

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(619): View more from California

dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"

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(630): View more from Illinois

dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party

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(609): View more from New Jersey

No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.

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(618): View more from Illinois

bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented

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(203): View more from Connecticut

wake up i wanna do it froggy style

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(847): View more from Illinois

I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.

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(619): View more from California

just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.

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(425): View more from Washington

i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant

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(513): View more from Ohio

direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN

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(914): View more from New York

he puts the penis in happiness.

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(440): View more from Ohio

wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant

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(916): View more from California

she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth

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(973): View more from New Jersey

oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Her vagina smelled like bad decisions

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(541): View more from Oregon

we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.

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(734): View more from Michigan

What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate

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(705): View more from Ontario

You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.

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(510): View more from California

turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

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(562): View more from California

Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

There's a dead frog in my kitchen?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.

(402): View more from Nebraska

The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pants 0. Shit 1.

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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