Texts From Last Night · ninjaman181's Favorites

ninjaman181's Favorites Texts:

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.

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(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.

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(438): View more from Quebec

I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.

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(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(760): View more from California

she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning

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(504): View more from Louisiana

open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me

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(303): View more from Colorado

im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre

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(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.

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(925): View more from California

you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race

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(305): View more from Florida

The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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(904): View more from Florida

So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

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(559): View more from California

can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

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(404): View more from Georgia

So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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(616): View more from Michigan

this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan

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(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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(206): View more from Washington

Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think we should have started that trash fire

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.

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(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

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(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.

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(310): View more from California

Where are you???

(210): View more from Texas

With some dude on the way to his house to blaze

(310): View more from California

You went back to a stranger's house????

(210): View more from Texas

He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.

(310): View more from California

I love LA.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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(248): View more from Michigan

had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall

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(352): View more from Florida

... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho

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(208): View more from Idaho

i robbed the continental breakfast last night

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(738): View more from

I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.

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(214): View more from Texas

Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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(707): View more from California

I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home

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(847): View more from Illinois

I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(903): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on

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(512): View more from Texas

Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.

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(714): View more from California

I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born

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(562): View more from California

Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser

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(218): View more from Minnesota

all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.

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(914): View more from New York

I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out

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(212): View more from New York

the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh

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(208): View more from Idaho

I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness

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(281): View more from Texas

and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.

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(602): View more from Arizona

It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass

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(716): View more from New York

Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.

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(239): View more from Florida

you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.

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(512): View more from Texas

Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

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(231): View more from Michigan

P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i have a dinosaur tramp stamp

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(815): View more from Illinois

u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.

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(319): View more from Iowa

We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.

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(585): View more from New York

yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick

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(216): View more from Ohio

she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker

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(316): View more from Kansas

How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.

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(314): View more from Missouri

rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover

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(613): View more from Ontario

I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.

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(216): View more from Ohio

you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.

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(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm drunk

(615): View more from Tennessee

Is that why you're texting me

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yes

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex

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(701): View more from North Dakota

That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.

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(314): View more from Missouri

apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(+61): View more from Australia

Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?

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(716): View more from New York

i think that dennys waitress has my boxers

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.

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(716): View more from New York

He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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(585): View more from New York

eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell

(901): View more from Tennessee

thats the international knock for joint time

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(914): View more from New York

Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party

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(914): View more from New York

He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..

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(303): View more from Colorado

I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

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(917): View more from New York City

I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...

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(847): View more from Illinois

No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

(816): View more from Missouri

please tell me you are kidding me

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(240): View more from Maryland

Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is

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(561): View more from Florida

I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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(815): View more from Illinois

it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast

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(207): View more from Maine

It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...

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(541): View more from Oregon

When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.

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(516): View more from New York

I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(703): View more from Virginia

drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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(210): View more from Texas

Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...

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(520): View more from Arizona

I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween

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(360): View more from Washington

No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(904): View more from Florida

now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.

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(352): View more from Florida

My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex

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(770): View more from Georgia

my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.

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(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox

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(630): View more from Illinois

the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

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(949): View more from California

I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(703): View more from Virginia

..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(410): View more from Maryland

260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.

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(210): View more from Texas

no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.

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(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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(408): View more from California

Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(802): View more from Vermont

there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(513): View more from Ohio

walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(785): View more from Kansas

I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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(443): View more from Maryland

In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'

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(315): View more from New York

its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(703): View more from Virginia

She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

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(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(519): View more from Ontario

so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(319): View more from Iowa

just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(682): View more from Texas

While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.

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(509): View more from Washington

You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.

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(641): View more from Iowa

she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?

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(845): View more from New York

Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

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(801): View more from Utah

Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now

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(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

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(757): View more from Virginia

she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.

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(909): View more from California

She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often

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(440): View more from Ohio

As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat

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(540): View more from Virginia

there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber

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(336): View more from North Carolina

That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(818): View more from California

ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.

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(972): View more from Texas

It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.

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(425): View more from Washington

I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

(1-425): View more from Washington

you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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(909): View more from California

It must have been true love

(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

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(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(205): View more from Alabama

im getting a BJ in a closet

(205): View more from Alabama

and a penguin just handed me a bong

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(407): View more from Florida

If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(631): View more from New York

we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(863): View more from Florida

During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he thanks me after handjobs.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you found the perfect man.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

No. It just means your good at giving head.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"

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(913): View more from Kansas

Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...

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(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(616): View more from Michigan

There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(408): View more from California

if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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(313): View more from Michigan

My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Are you drinking alone?

(662): View more from Mississippi

no, i'm watching house

(601): View more from Mississippi

That doesn't count.

(662): View more from Mississippi

wtf, then i'm always alone

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(386): View more from Florida

Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin

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(203): View more from Connecticut

First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning

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(720): View more from Colorado

just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(817): View more from Texas

Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(347): View more from New York

drinking out of a sandbucket again

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(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.

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(954): View more from Florida

Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(443): View more from Maryland

apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand

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(818): View more from California

his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up

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(410): View more from Maryland

forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(316): View more from Kansas

No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it

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(631): View more from New York

So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone

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(805): View more from California

I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.

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(310): View more from California

that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something

(818): View more from California

its my fault though, i'm wearing tights

(310): View more from California

you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap

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(516): View more from New York

she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen

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(516): View more from New York

I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

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(208): View more from Idaho

this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(512): View more from Texas

Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(585): View more from New York

He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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(917): View more from New York City

She saved the condom from the first time we did it.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(509): View more from Washington

Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

yo everyone went to the hospital last night

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(301): View more from Maryland

Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can you come get me at the bar

(301): View more from Maryland

ill be there in 10 min

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.

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(845): View more from New York

Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

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(231): View more from Michigan

i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.

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(626): View more from California

i need an iv and a liver transplant

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(858): View more from California

just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the worst part is we had a camera rolling

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to watch that.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(734): View more from Michigan

she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.

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(352): View more from Florida

Billy Mays is dead too!

(1-352): View more from Florida

Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex

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(734): View more from Michigan

I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

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(806): View more from Texas

a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work

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(212): View more from New York

where am i from again

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight

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(101): View more from

Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

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(980): View more from North Carolina

you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.

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(805): View more from California

the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear

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(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(904): View more from Florida

nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle

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(678): View more from Georgia

it's not cheating when I paid for it

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(425): View more from Washington

If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"

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