Texts From Last Night · aftermidnight's Favorites

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aftermidnight's Favorites Texts:

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(310): View more from California

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Help everyone's hot

(410): View more from Maryland

Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot

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(714): View more from California

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!

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(602): View more from Arizona

Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover

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(360): View more from Washington

Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.

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(813): View more from Florida

She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.

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(713): View more from Texas

He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.

(713): View more from Texas

They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision

(970): View more from Colorado

Daily.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.

(616): View more from Michigan

i realized i waste a lot of time

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(613): View more from Ontario

We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell

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(727): View more from Florida

The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy

(813): View more from Florida

HE'S NOT INVITED!!!

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(602): View more from Arizona

He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change

(303): View more from Colorado

well did he get it

(602): View more from Arizona

....yes

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.

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(858): View more from California

I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"

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(845): View more from New York

I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales

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(341): View more from California

I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.

(341): View more from California

But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship

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(206): View more from Washington

I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up

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(907): View more from Alaska

I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...

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(914): View more from New York

Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.

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(845): View more from New York

I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"

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(808): View more from Hawaii

well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.

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(917): View more from New York City

We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener

(508): View more from Massachusetts

The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it

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(310): View more from California

I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks

(310): View more from California

Like what do you want from me

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

we need to invent and abuse teleportation

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.

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(406): View more from Montana

Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced

(1-406): View more from Montana

Way to crack the case Nancy Drew

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms

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(613): View more from Ontario

Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital

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(315): View more from New York

That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.

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(916): View more from California

Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister

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(815): View more from Illinois

We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.

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(415): View more from California

I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week

(1-415): View more from California

I don't deserve you.

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(971): View more from Oregon

you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.

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(415): View more from California

Fuck yeah GAYNESS

(415): View more from California

*explodes into glitter*

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

I'm coming right back.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.

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(443): View more from Maryland

SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(415): View more from California

After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.

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(775): View more from Nevada

My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.

(1+61): View more from

Dude, you're not even gay.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly

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(501): View more from Arkansas

DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW

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(256): View more from Alabama

I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.

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(227): View more from Maryland

Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights

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(916): View more from California

We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs

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(813): View more from Florida

I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator

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(720): View more from Colorado

hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(817): View more from Texas

Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing

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(514): View more from Quebec

He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.

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(469): View more from Texas

I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.

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(772): View more from Florida

Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.

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(002): View more from

There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

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(605): View more from South Dakota

captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

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(435): View more from Utah

If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted

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(315): View more from New York

That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.

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(641): View more from Iowa

My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(720): View more from Colorado

Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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(514): View more from Quebec

so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.

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(817): View more from Texas

I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.

(678): View more from Georgia

Yea. I'm excited about this party too

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating

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(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

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(206): View more from Washington

It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Coming to you live from the floor of my office..

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.

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(317): View more from Indiana

sex in a tree stand. check.

(765): View more from Indiana

you lucky bastard

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(757): View more from Virginia

I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.

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(727): View more from Florida

My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."

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(270): View more from Kentucky

my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy

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(850): View more from Florida

Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking

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(315): View more from New York

Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.

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(88): View more from

As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I have grass duct taped all over my body

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(941): View more from Florida

All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.

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(850): View more from Florida

I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Almost there.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.

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(303): View more from Colorado

so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???

(1-303): View more from Colorado

all of the above

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(519): View more from Ontario

My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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(226): View more from Ontario

I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can

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(916): View more from California

If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.

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(226): View more from Ontario

The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.

(330): View more from Ohio

Understatement of the year.

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(916): View more from California

1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

(707): View more from California

*roof

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(765): View more from Indiana

You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.

(574): View more from Indiana

No I didn't. Whiskey did.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.

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(210): View more from Texas

IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..

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(949): View more from California

July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Bring gay.

(250): View more from British Columbia

By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dinner?

(713): View more from Texas

YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!

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(847): View more from Illinois

YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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(443): View more from Maryland

He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M

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(714): View more from California

i perioded on his leg

(714): View more from California

on. his. leg.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(410): View more from Maryland

i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so my dad walked in on us having sex

(1-256): View more from Alabama

lulz really? why?

(256): View more from Alabama

lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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(917): View more from New York City

we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(714): View more from California

found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.

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(231): View more from Michigan

OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(530): View more from California

He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

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(540): View more from Virginia

birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

(703): View more from Virginia

I'm on my period, period, period

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(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.

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(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet

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(940): View more from Texas

there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

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(847): View more from Illinois

this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(802): View more from Vermont

I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.

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(716): View more from New York

this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There are cops on horseback in our back yard

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(206): View more from Washington

He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

(415): View more from California

Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think i scared a bird with my dick

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(618): View more from Illinois

apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie

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(248): View more from Michigan

New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.

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(786): View more from Florida

What vodka is american?

(1-786): View more from Florida

Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.

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(281): View more from Texas

If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

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(607): View more from New York

You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.

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(509): View more from Washington

He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced

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(207): View more from Maine

All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now

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(831): View more from California

I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(515): View more from Iowa

I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..

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(360): View more from Washington

The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.

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(510): View more from California

It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.

(1-510): View more from California

First world problems?

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(916): View more from California

this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse

(1-916): View more from California

People like that make this world a better place.

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(224): View more from Illinois

We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS

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(916): View more from California

I'm back here naked if anyones wondering

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.

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(248): View more from Michigan

its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...

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(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit

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(760): View more from California

Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.

(919): View more from North Carolina

...yet.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(917): View more from New York City

I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.

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(330): View more from Ohio

shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.

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(941): View more from Florida

I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting

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(772): View more from Florida

You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.

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(714): View more from California

I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed

(949): View more from California

Someone's stooooned

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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