Texts From Last Night · jaylayson's Favorites

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jaylayson's Favorites Texts:

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

as a side note pls kill me

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(325): View more from Texas

'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?

(1-325): View more from Texas

oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?

(325): View more from Texas

I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.

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(718): View more from New York

I feel like I smell like bad decisions

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana

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(352): View more from Florida

How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I need water and some morals

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(928): View more from Arizona

Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.

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(206): View more from Washington

DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!

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(937): View more from Ohio

It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life

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(647): View more from Ontario

Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?

(1-647): View more from Ontario

You are fucking her boyfriend.

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(425): View more from Washington

She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend

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(682): View more from Texas

Okay so I just had a really great idea

(817): View more from Texas

no.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!

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(216): View more from Ohio

Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.

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(718): View more from New York

I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son

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(310): View more from California

I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?

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(917): View more from New York City

I am available for nakedness

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration

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(206): View more from Washington

Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is

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(516): View more from New York

Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.

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(386): View more from Florida

Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested

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(519): View more from Ontario

Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.

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(+49): View more from Germany

I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?

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(703): View more from Virginia

That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.

(774): View more from Massachusetts

You schedule blowjobs?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

and their significant others

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.

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(586): View more from Michigan

So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.

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(813): View more from Florida

We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.

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(585): View more from New York

I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.

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(903): View more from Texas

Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.

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(251): View more from Alabama

"Accidentally" bump into him after class.

(734): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am naked and annoyed.

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(585): View more from New York

Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?

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(563): View more from Iowa

Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.

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(408): View more from California

you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.

(479): View more from Arkansas

YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF

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(812): View more from Indiana

A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house

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(651): View more from Minnesota

When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.

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(409): View more from Texas

In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine

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(256): View more from Alabama

So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...

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(214): View more from Texas

How does one acquire holy water?

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(925): View more from California

Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I need to wash the frat house off of me

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(224): View more from Illinois

You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.

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(254): View more from Texas

Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE

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(847): View more from Illinois

Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.

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(707): View more from California

No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that

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(941): View more from Florida

I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.

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(509): View more from Washington

he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.

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(661): View more from California

Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides

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(941): View more from Florida

I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?

(1-289): View more from Ontario

When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.

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(1-517): View more from Michigan

So what did you do since you didn't go out?

(517): View more from Michigan

...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.

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(713): View more from Texas

Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed

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(440): View more from Ohio

At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family

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(314): View more from Missouri

I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.

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(512): View more from Texas

Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)

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(714): View more from California

And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18

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(785): View more from Kansas

Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet

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(313): View more from Michigan

Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.

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(863): View more from Florida

The porch is breathing.

(813): View more from Florida

STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT

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(361): View more from Texas

My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.

(336): View more from North Carolina

THAT'S MY GIRL

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(425): View more from Washington

Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"

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(212): View more from New York

Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP

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(615): View more from Tennessee

My life hurts

(615): View more from Tennessee

I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake

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(323): View more from California

Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed

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(219): View more from Indiana

That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao

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(561): View more from Florida

Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.

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(727): View more from Florida

Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.

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(720): View more from Colorado

To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours

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(631): View more from New York

Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.

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(518): View more from New York

Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.

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(818): View more from California

It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.

(440): View more from Ohio

It's important to play to your strengths.

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.

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(713): View more from Texas

He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.

(713): View more from Texas

They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.

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(714): View more from California

It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..

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(613): View more from Ontario

We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.

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(360): View more from Washington

OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!

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(757): View more from Virginia

We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.

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(574): View more from Indiana

IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.

(971): View more from Oregon

YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.

(574): View more from Indiana

NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

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(650): View more from California

You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever

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(954): View more from Florida

Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer

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(317): View more from Indiana

Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"

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(596): View more from

Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...

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(812): View more from Indiana

his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink

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(778): View more from British Columbia

i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed

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(207): View more from Maine

If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you

(1-207): View more from Maine

Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility

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(716): View more from New York

I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.

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(515): View more from Iowa

We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place

(1-515): View more from Iowa

I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck

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(614): View more from Ohio

So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?

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(951): View more from California

Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.

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(513): View more from Ohio

My booty call just moved 2 min from my house

(1-513): View more from Ohio

This has pregnancy written all over it

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(404): View more from Georgia

PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!

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(727): View more from Florida

How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free

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(269): View more from Michigan

We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

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(314): View more from Missouri

I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(718): View more from New York

Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.

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(240): View more from Maryland

All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again

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(513): View more from Ohio

If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops

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(386): View more from Florida

Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Tis the season.

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(616): View more from Michigan

At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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(865): View more from Tennessee

You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?

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(509): View more from Washington

Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(540): View more from Virginia

It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?

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(925): View more from California

I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

(415): View more from California

I still don't know how you've lived this long.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thank you for not boning my boss.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule

(856): View more from New Jersey

Lmao sorry

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

that was THE gayest party i've ever been to

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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(317): View more from Indiana

In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.

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(530): View more from California

All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.

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(874): View more from

I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?

(701): View more from North Dakota

In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!

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(301): View more from Maryland

He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(251): View more from Alabama

You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.

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(420): View more from

I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.

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(360): View more from Washington

if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

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(512): View more from Texas

I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!

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(812): View more from Indiana

Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...

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(443): View more from Maryland

There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.

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(905): View more from Ontario

the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(409): View more from Texas

The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

(541): View more from Oregon

UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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(208): View more from Idaho

He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.

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(416): View more from Toronto

She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"

(1-416): View more from Toronto

You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?

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(406): View more from Montana

I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive

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(425): View more from Washington

Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode

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(307): View more from Wyoming

She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.

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(360): View more from Washington

I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?

(1-360): View more from Washington

considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.

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(925): View more from California

I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you

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(334): View more from Alabama

My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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(407): View more from Florida

My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there

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(252): View more from North Carolina

You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"

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(425): View more from Washington

You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!

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(678): View more from Georgia

I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

were you high?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

When?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Actually just blanket yes to that question

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom

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(303): View more from Colorado

I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Tell me you're kidding.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

Is that what happened to my face?!

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.

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(620): View more from Kansas

So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Cute underage boy is in my house.

(410): View more from Maryland

OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.

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(516): View more from New York

I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?

(1-516): View more from New York

I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister

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(442): View more from California

her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.

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(470): View more from Georgia

My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy

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(705): View more from Ontario

Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

(747): View more from California

Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.

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(207): View more from Maine

when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner

(503): View more from Oregon

Soooo, coming over soon?

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(587): View more from Alberta

Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap

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(616): View more from Michigan

Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.

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(607): View more from New York

you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

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(913): View more from Kansas

I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.

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(313): View more from Michigan

You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?

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(214): View more from Texas

Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point

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(713): View more from Texas

I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

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(518): View more from New York

I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.

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(315): View more from New York

I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd

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(734): View more from Michigan

In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.

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(206): View more from Washington

you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway

(925): View more from California

I hate that you know that from experience

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances

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(408): View more from California

Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Are you really alive right now?

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(706): View more from Georgia

after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"

(404): View more from Georgia

I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!

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(334): View more from Alabama

My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.

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(937): View more from Ohio

How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.

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(903): View more from Texas

So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me

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(706): View more from Georgia

thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.

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(954): View more from Florida

oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?

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(212): View more from New York

Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!

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(541): View more from Oregon

She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong

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(701): View more from North Dakota

how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?

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(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(941): View more from Florida

You know i'm the father figure

(1-941): View more from Florida

Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad

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(802): View more from Vermont

Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.

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(530): View more from California

Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.

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(817): View more from Texas

I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.

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(619): View more from California

I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.

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(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker

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(480): View more from Arizona

her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.

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(702): View more from Nevada

But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!

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(713): View more from Texas

She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter

(1-773): View more from Illinois

re read what you just said

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face

(763): View more from Minnesota

How can a condom be "half used"?

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(512): View more from Texas

The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning

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(515): View more from Iowa

I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm your Election Erection Connection

(860): View more from Connecticut

I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(281): View more from Texas

Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

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(925): View more from California

Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.

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(913): View more from Kansas

She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?

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(925): View more from California

He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.

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(917): View more from New York City

Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.

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(760): View more from California

explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

ROADTRIP.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?

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(319): View more from Iowa

I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

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(816): View more from Missouri

It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.

(-1816): View more from

Probably is probably an understatement.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs

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(954): View more from Florida

I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

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(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

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(514): View more from Quebec

can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??

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(719): View more from Colorado

Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out

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(303): View more from Colorado

nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ

(1-303): View more from Colorado

he is risen halelujah

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(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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(303): View more from Colorado

You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

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(315): View more from New York

He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(913): View more from Kansas

To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused

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(406): View more from Montana

Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(904): View more from Florida

Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again

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(571): View more from Virginia

I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed

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(210): View more from Texas

he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me

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(647): View more from Ontario

Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list

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(989): View more from Michigan

These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.

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(647): View more from Ontario

YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS

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(410): View more from Maryland

Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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(630): View more from Illinois

We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.

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(210): View more from Texas

I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?

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(772): View more from Florida

Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

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(406): View more from Montana

I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep

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(979): View more from Texas

Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.

(512): View more from Texas

That would explain all the random shit in my room...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, they all thought you were gay.

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(+63): View more from

there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who dressed up as a cop at your party???

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

idk I have to check. Why?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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(315): View more from New York

This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...

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(845): View more from New York

lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you

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(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?

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(408): View more from California

do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??

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(650): View more from California

Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night

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(607): View more from New York

There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.

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(626): View more from California

you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup

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(631): View more from New York

Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.

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(904): View more from Florida

The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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(317): View more from Indiana

We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward

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(989): View more from Michigan

ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.

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(512): View more from Texas

Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

(1-512): View more from Texas

Did she say Ok?

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(817): View more from Texas

Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?

(315): View more from New York

Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

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(323): View more from California

Your cock deserves a montage

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

(612): View more from Minnesota

Nope that was a dude

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(480): View more from Arizona

From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?

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(415): View more from California

Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.

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(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I think we need to teach you what straight means again

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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(440): View more from Ohio

thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.

(440): View more from Ohio

anything for my little brother.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.

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(310): View more from California

His dick was poking my bladder. That big...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping

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(513): View more from Ohio

I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.

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(404): View more from Georgia

im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(765): View more from Indiana

She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?

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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.

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(358): View more from

I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do I really need this much space in my mouth?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Are you already high?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.

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(881): View more from

I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.

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(406): View more from Montana

I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.

(1-406): View more from Montana

You're so romantic.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(512): View more from Texas

We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.

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(941): View more from Florida

When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.

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(657): View more from California

He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.

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(971): View more from Oregon

you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(847): View more from Illinois

When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I feel like death gave me a hand job

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed

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(806): View more from Texas

It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.

(1-806): View more from Texas

It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.

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(707): View more from California

admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.

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(646): View more from New York

He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.

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(705): View more from Ontario

What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.

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(305): View more from Florida

she said she was living bicuriously through me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(415): View more from California

It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.

(250): View more from British Columbia

I hear you

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?

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(520): View more from Arizona

Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.

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(530): View more from California

Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.

(1-530): View more from California

at least it wasnt animals

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.

(1-904): View more from Florida

I told you to check, dude

(904): View more from Florida

Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.

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(616): View more from Michigan

If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out

(417): View more from Missouri

You'd think the first few times would have been enough

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(406): View more from Montana

Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.

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(805): View more from California

I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.

(503): View more from Oregon

Score one for dad.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...

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(520): View more from Arizona

i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.

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(631): View more from New York

Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"

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(515): View more from Iowa

Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?

(515): View more from Iowa

Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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(760): View more from California

He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.

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(209): View more from California

His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.

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(904): View more from Florida

But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.

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(914): View more from New York

2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

10 points to you

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(406): View more from Montana

Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

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(434): View more from Virginia

I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Dude you were ten when he graduated

(434): View more from Virginia

Wahoowaaaaaaa

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio

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(601): View more from Mississippi

The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.

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(813): View more from Florida

So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.

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(360): View more from Washington

Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

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(224): View more from Illinois

We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

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(248): View more from Michigan

We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?

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(903): View more from Texas

I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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(917): View more from New York City

He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(954): View more from Florida

I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(585): View more from New York

just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use

(716): View more from New York

how?

(585): View more from New York

not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days

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(970): View more from Colorado

From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.

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(716): View more from New York

I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked

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(813): View more from Florida

One blow job doesn not make me gay.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I was told my cock was a religious experience.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?

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(573): View more from Missouri

My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze

(713): View more from Texas

My liver has a boner

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Tiny.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.

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(334): View more from Alabama

She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper

(205): View more from Alabama

Restraining order pending?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(310): View more from California

You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that

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(512): View more from Texas

Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.

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(407): View more from Florida

Blood and glitter go together right?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess

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(928): View more from Arizona

I deem it safe for us to drink together again.

(1-928): View more from Arizona

They dropped the charges?

(928): View more from Arizona

Yeppers. Come drink beers.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(951): View more from California

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.

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(940): View more from Texas

She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.

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(917): View more from New York City

about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?

(325): View more from Texas

Jail. That could go wrong.

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(630): View more from Illinois

we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same

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(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I need to hump something and I know u understand.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(+61): View more from Australia

I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved

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(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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(937): View more from Ohio

No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.

(502): View more from Kentucky

And if not?

(937): View more from Ohio

...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.

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(212): View more from New York

That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!

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(714): View more from California

You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

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(720): View more from Colorado

Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.

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(310): View more from California

This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?

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