Texts From Last Night · jonathan171's Favorites

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jonathan171's Favorites Texts:

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(316): View more from Kansas

So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.

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(760): View more from California

I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.

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(330): View more from Ohio

When in doubt, it's too much cheese

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(404): View more from Georgia

As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.

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(708): View more from Illinois

And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.

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(989): View more from Michigan

In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage

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(678): View more from Georgia

I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm too stoned to come over for sex

(813): View more from Florida

Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock

(727): View more from Florida

I'll be right over

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?

(224): View more from Illinois

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

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(281): View more from Texas

My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5

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(551): View more from New Jersey

My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie

(1-551): View more from New Jersey

You've got post-grad studies written all over you

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(289): View more from Ontario

"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"

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(540): View more from Virginia

Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.

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(785): View more from Kansas

This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating

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(619): View more from California

I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.

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(406): View more from Montana

I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat

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(816): View more from Missouri

It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime

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(802): View more from Vermont

This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.

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(661): View more from California

This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough

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(574): View more from Indiana

I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.

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(708): View more from Illinois

was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?

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(571): View more from Virginia

I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face

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(647): View more from Ontario

We're like a dynamic duo.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.

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(408): View more from California

I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?

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(914): View more from New York

I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.

(216): View more from Ohio

Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".

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(915): View more from Texas

I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.

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(734): View more from Michigan

When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.

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(705): View more from Ontario

We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"

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(714): View more from California

So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs

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(425): View more from Washington

I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator

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(815): View more from Illinois

is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?

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(209): View more from California

I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore

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(707): View more from California

My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.

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(941): View more from Florida

Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot

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(360): View more from Washington

Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD

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(434): View more from Virginia

After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles

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(206): View more from Washington

You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.

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(616): View more from Michigan

im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.

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(315): View more from New York

I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me

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(323): View more from California

I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You can't just leave with hair like that

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...

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(561): View more from Florida

I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!

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(516): View more from New York

On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences

(919): View more from North Carolina

great clearly means different things to us

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.

(917): View more from New York City

Gotta love Minnesota

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(276): View more from Virginia

I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.

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(760): View more from California

Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs

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(623): View more from Arizona

My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore

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(702): View more from Nevada

Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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(904): View more from Florida

As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.

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(231): View more from Michigan

That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.

(231): View more from Michigan

He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up

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(213): View more from California

WTF DUDE?

(323): View more from California

Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this

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(319): View more from Iowa

"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them

(1-616): View more from Michigan

its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you

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(979): View more from Texas

Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve

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(623): View more from Arizona

Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.

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(512): View more from Texas

they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

you have the best friends

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(614): View more from Ohio

Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's

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(954): View more from Florida

Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.

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(438): View more from Quebec

Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...

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(360): View more from Washington

I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.

(1-360): View more from Washington

Bringing families together since 1987

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?

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(914): View more from New York

So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"

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(315): View more from New York

Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter

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(425): View more from Washington

I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet

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(563): View more from Iowa

You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.

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(925): View more from California

Are sex swings allowed in dorms

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(516): View more from New York

Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.

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(61): View more from Australia

Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?

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(928): View more from Arizona

It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".

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(847): View more from Illinois

I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me

(937): View more from Ohio

And I also said, "probe me"

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....

(1+44): View more from

The baked potato bra?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."

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(210): View more from Texas

Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.

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(817): View more from Texas

If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.

(1-817): View more from Texas

It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.

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(631): View more from New York

I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever

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(540): View more from Virginia

Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"

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(913): View more from Kansas

The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol

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(512): View more from Texas

There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

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(903): View more from Texas

Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.

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(310): View more from California

Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.

(310): View more from California

It's the best of both worlds

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?

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(720): View more from Colorado

hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me

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(847): View more from Illinois

I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love

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(541): View more from Oregon

How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.

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(317): View more from Indiana

His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.

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(210): View more from Texas

We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.

(417): View more from Missouri

I will make you one.

(417): View more from Missouri

Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it

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(714): View more from California

I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.

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(630): View more from Illinois

All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun

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(912): View more from Georgia

Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?

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(845): View more from New York

i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend

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(678): View more from Georgia

She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.

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(563): View more from Iowa

He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.

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(214): View more from Texas

This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.

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(516): View more from New York

My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.

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(269): View more from Michigan

It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...

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(716): View more from New York

I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"

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(510): View more from California

my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.

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(408): View more from California

Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"

(630): View more from Illinois

you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you

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(619): View more from California

It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.

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(989): View more from Michigan

If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

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(760): View more from California

He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.

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(561): View more from Florida

Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.

(1-561): View more from Florida

How high are you?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends

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(541): View more from Oregon

Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.

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(912): View more from Georgia

He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.

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(613): View more from Ontario

What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??

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(281): View more from Texas

And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.

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(323): View more from California

He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO

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(407): View more from Florida

And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.

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(410): View more from Maryland

you texted me "dude im face"

(301): View more from Maryland

it sounded so right at the time

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(913): View more from Kansas

I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?

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(708): View more from Illinois

And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free

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(323): View more from California

There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...

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(916): View more from California

I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Dude. Her vagina is a blender.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs

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(315): View more from New York

I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.

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(812): View more from Indiana

after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..

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(913): View more from Kansas

Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.

(1-940): View more from Texas

Why don't we hang out more often?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Technically my penis started a fight tonight

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(440): View more from Ohio

You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.

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(530): View more from California

I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP

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(218): View more from Minnesota

It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.

(778): View more from British Columbia

Feel free to use me as a reference.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.

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(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

How bad is the voicemail?

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.

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(646): View more from New York

In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!

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(303): View more from Colorado

They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us

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(727): View more from Florida

No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".

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(909): View more from California

You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?

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(417): View more from Missouri

What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he's gonorrhea incarnate

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(630): View more from Illinois

I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Brilliant thought; pill pong.

(651): View more from Minnesota

What could go wrong?

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(647): View more from Ontario

so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me

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(256): View more from Alabama

OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE

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(845): View more from New York

"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.

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(909): View more from California

Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".

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(847): View more from Illinois

told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..

(630): View more from Illinois

how did he take it?

(847): View more from Illinois

not as well as i would have thought

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(801): View more from Utah

Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

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(812): View more from Indiana

last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.

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(858): View more from California

I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(586): View more from Michigan

Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"

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(623): View more from Arizona

Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too

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(720): View more from Colorado

I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?

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(734): View more from Michigan

It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."

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(734): View more from Michigan

The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.

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(253): View more from Washington

Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during

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(519): View more from Ontario

She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�

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(214): View more from Texas

Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.

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(406): View more from Montana

Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?

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(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.

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(310): View more from California

Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.

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(347): View more from New York

Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.

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(352): View more from Florida

we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.

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(360): View more from Washington

What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal

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(804): View more from Virginia

How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

walking out with herpes. that would be worse

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(407): View more from Florida

Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.

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(303): View more from Colorado

there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here

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(909): View more from California

Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday

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(831): View more from California

YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.

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(703): View more from Virginia

There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.

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(727): View more from Florida

Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person

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(515): View more from Iowa

nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.

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(716): View more from New York

When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."

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(406): View more from Montana

I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.

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(941): View more from Florida

I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.

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(530): View more from California

So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?

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(219): View more from Indiana

The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.

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(775): View more from Nevada

They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

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(+61): View more from Australia

We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats a chance were just gonna have to take

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(619): View more from California

Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head

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(416): View more from Toronto

The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often

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(269): View more from Michigan

A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?

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(415): View more from California

Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(240): View more from Maryland

the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference

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(512): View more from Texas

I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.

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(941): View more from Florida

Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.

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(847): View more from Illinois

If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.

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(303): View more from Colorado

doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's got a legit dose of dude going on

(240): View more from Maryland

No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.

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(801): View more from Utah

Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.

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(914): View more from New York

I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%

(1-914): View more from New York

He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Blow your rape whistle

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(217): View more from Illinois

the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring

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(925): View more from California

it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.

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(517): View more from Michigan

After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.

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(626): View more from California

I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.

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(210): View more from Texas

She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.

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(940): View more from Texas

You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass

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(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face

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(915): View more from Texas

I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday

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(313): View more from Michigan

well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".

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(254): View more from Texas

Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(718): View more from New York

We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

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(727): View more from Florida

josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed

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(214): View more from Texas

You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp

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(408): View more from California

Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape

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(251): View more from Alabama

I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

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(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

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(225): View more from Louisiana

she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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(785): View more from Kansas

Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?

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(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

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(512): View more from Texas

Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh god was she eating orange peels again

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(423): View more from Tennessee

you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell

(901): View more from Tennessee

thats the international knock for joint time

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

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(416): View more from Toronto

He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.

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(347): View more from New York

triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?

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(813): View more from Florida

Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(646): View more from New York

He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service

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(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship

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(785): View more from Kansas

Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask

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(516): View more from New York

the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(805): View more from California

The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.

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(404): View more from Georgia

The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?

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(909): View more from California

According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack

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(406): View more from Montana

It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(305): View more from Florida

What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'

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(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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(631): View more from New York

I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Because we had sex in one.

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(909): View more from California

Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?

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(937): View more from Ohio

also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.

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(804): View more from Virginia

it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(303): View more from Colorado

so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

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(253): View more from Washington

You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.

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(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

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(914): View more from New York

i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(786): View more from Florida

What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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(206): View more from Washington

No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out

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(971): View more from Oregon

Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

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(925): View more from California

At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.

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(804): View more from Virginia

She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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(205): View more from Alabama

After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(317): View more from Indiana

she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(813): View more from Florida

I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

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(502): View more from Kentucky

just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life

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(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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(317): View more from Indiana

I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks

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(773): View more from Illinois

I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(434): View more from Virginia

She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4

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(561): View more from Florida

I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other

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(626): View more from California

Dignity is for republicans.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed

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(516): View more from New York

In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(561): View more from Florida

Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.

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(509): View more from Washington

He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(210): View more from Texas

I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano

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(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(914): View more from New York

just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(925): View more from California

After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(+61): View more from Australia

When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(425): View more from Washington

Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me

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(256): View more from Alabama

My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(716): View more from New York

strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.

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(845): View more from New York

its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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(630): View more from Illinois

He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

his penis was the training wheels of my sex life

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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(914): View more from New York

Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"

(1-301): View more from Maryland

Soulmates.

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(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?

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(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.

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(631): View more from New York

is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(313): View more from Michigan

The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car

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(360): View more from Washington

I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(317): View more from Indiana

so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

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(972): View more from Texas

Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...

(214): View more from Texas

Was she wearing cherry chapstick??

(972): View more from Texas

No. Life's not always a fairytale.....

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Nah. I did too.

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