Texts From Last Night · laurenmichelle's Favorites

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

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(415): View more from California

What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises

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(347): View more from New York

It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.

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(817): View more from Texas

We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.

(1-817): View more from Texas

Braid them armpits, sister.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head

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(541): View more from Oregon

Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples

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(905): View more from Ontario

foreskin is a definite game changer

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears

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(636): View more from Missouri

I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.

(636): View more from Missouri

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.

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(904): View more from Florida

I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(727): View more from Florida

they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

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(519): View more from Ontario

Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.

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(310): View more from California

I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.

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(514): View more from Quebec

the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon

(514): View more from Quebec

what does alcohol mean

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(515): View more from Iowa

you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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(772): View more from Florida

You're fine

(585): View more from New York

I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Same.

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".

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(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."

(1-208): View more from Idaho

Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.

(208): View more from Idaho

......... Poor kitty

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(714): View more from California

There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(616): View more from Michigan

This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

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(512): View more from Texas

If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

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(845): View more from New York

Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did it finish?

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.

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(727): View more from Florida

Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss

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(206): View more from Washington

LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

This is going everywhere on the internet.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate

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(970): View more from Colorado

I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

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(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

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(330): View more from Ohio

He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(425): View more from Washington

In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter

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(613): View more from Ontario

I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are paw prints all over my ceiling.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

(417): View more from Missouri

I can't feel my brain.

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(716): View more from New York

come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha how do you remember that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

HOW COULD I FORGET?!

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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(216): View more from Ohio

ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

(518): View more from New York

I am in love with you.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

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(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

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(602): View more from Arizona

So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.

(480): View more from Arizona

so you punched his junk, right?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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(647): View more from Ontario

she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

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(614): View more from Ohio

Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...

(1-614): View more from Ohio

FUCK YOU.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(315): View more from New York

He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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(630): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(631): View more from New York

If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org

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(518): View more from New York

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(310): View more from California

She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic

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(239): View more from Florida

just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.

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(408): View more from California

i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both

(650): View more from California

i think otters can do that

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

(952): View more from Minnesota

what?

(612): View more from Minnesota

i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

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(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(330): View more from Ohio

I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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(214): View more from Texas

I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(530): View more from California

I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(239): View more from Florida

And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

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(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Heybabeimwearingurpanties

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(251): View more from Alabama

About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(641): View more from Iowa

and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(925): View more from California

I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You have my attention.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw his package. It spoke to me.

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(478): View more from Georgia

So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a really classy character....

(478): View more from Georgia

He is classy. It was argyle.

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

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(619): View more from California

There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.

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(716): View more from New York

Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(503): View more from Oregon

idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

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(248): View more from Michigan

doug butabi!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

steve butabi!

(248): View more from Michigan

hotties wanna shake it

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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(269): View more from Michigan

I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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(734): View more from Michigan

turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"

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(909): View more from California

dude i'm inner monologue high

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(269): View more from Michigan

Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.

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(305): View more from Florida

Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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(440): View more from Ohio

if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

(619): View more from California

with a huge shlong

(440): View more from Ohio

massive. i wanna make bitches cry

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(323): View more from California

No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(206): View more from Washington

I will die if light touches me.

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(650): View more from California

one two three fourrrrnication!

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows

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(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(954): View more from Florida

i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi

(425): View more from Washington

hahaha how?

(954): View more from Florida

its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery

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(540): View more from Virginia

i really wish james franco would like my vagina

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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(720): View more from Colorado

It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.

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(905): View more from Toronto

In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.

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(330): View more from Ohio

...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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(513): View more from Ohio

he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down

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(216): View more from Ohio

i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(212): View more from New York

I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.

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(415): View more from California

Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".

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(707): View more from California

My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha

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(585): View more from New York

you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview

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(949): View more from California

I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(301): View more from Maryland

i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again

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(716): View more from New York

i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(802): View more from Vermont

i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin

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(602): View more from Arizona

shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

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(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(903): View more from Texas

she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness

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(630): View more from Illinois

i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?

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(831): View more from California

There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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(817): View more from Texas

He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(630): View more from Illinois

he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(714): View more from California

i perioded on his leg

(714): View more from California

on. his. leg.

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