Texts From Last Night · lumberjack2010's Favorites

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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(+61): View more from Australia

we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(705): View more from Ontario

I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(254): View more from Texas

it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months

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(828): View more from North Carolina

That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(209): View more from California

He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.

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(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now

(604): View more from British Columbia

That's weird, I usually just count sheep

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

life is too short to starve

(678): View more from Georgia

life is also too short to be fat

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(312): View more from Illinois

I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm

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(631): View more from New York

New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You can't wash away shame.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I can try.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(530): View more from California

I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards

(1-515): View more from Iowa

None

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

(612): View more from Minnesota

could be more

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

absolutely not

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

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(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(703): View more from Virginia

you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

you would pick up someone in the library

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(847): View more from Illinois

No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.

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(503): View more from Oregon

PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there

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(571): View more from Virginia

dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.

(706): View more from Georgia

Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.

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(970): View more from Colorado

i take joy in having bigger boobs than others

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(239): View more from Florida

Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

(339): View more from Massachusetts

Oh yeah that.

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(903): View more from Texas

Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.

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(440): View more from Ohio

it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

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(314): View more from Missouri

just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle

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(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?

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(219): View more from Indiana

Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.

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(248): View more from Michigan

if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me

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(734): View more from Michigan

So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...

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(214): View more from Texas

So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.

(1-214): View more from Texas

Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(904): View more from Florida

the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you can still come hang out if you want

(248): View more from Michigan

I really don't feel like watching you play video games

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(518): View more from New York

OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....

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(949): View more from California

It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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(386): View more from Florida

it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.

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(515): View more from Iowa

hes a good boy he deserves a good blow

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

did you fuck him yet?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?

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(954): View more from Florida

I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.

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(434): View more from Virginia

well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard

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(703): View more from Virginia

I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so when am I gonna get some from you?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

when you dick grows 3 inches

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(315): View more from New York

Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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(302): View more from Delaware

I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

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(512): View more from Texas

Did yall have sex?

(214): View more from Texas

Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?

(512): View more from Texas

Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would

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(850): View more from Florida

Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?

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(516): View more from New York

I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i can't wait to go to hell

(1-248): View more from Michigan

yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(949): View more from California

my vag is so smooth its legendary

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(847): View more from Illinois

So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?

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(904): View more from Florida

How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.

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(260): View more from Indiana

A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(303): View more from Colorado

Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years

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(613): View more from Ontario

so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..

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(310): View more from California

He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(512): View more from Texas

everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf

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(858): View more from California

I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.

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(352): View more from Florida

Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

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(914): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(315): View more from New York

dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(914): View more from New York

Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(626): View more from California

Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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(+61): View more from Australia

He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?

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(509): View more from Washington

if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(310): View more from California

My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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(303): View more from Colorado

New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

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(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(518): View more from New York

Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.

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(323): View more from California

I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(618): View more from Illinois

he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

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(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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(630): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(210): View more from Texas

she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(607): View more from New York

When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.

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(315): View more from New York

We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(509): View more from Washington

I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM

(909): View more from California

I'm scared to ask why.....

(509): View more from Washington

1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.

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(818): View more from California

I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(623): View more from Arizona

I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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(785): View more from Kansas

He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(970): View more from Colorado

the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".

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(845): View more from New York

i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(516): View more from New York

Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.

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(813): View more from Florida

For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me

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(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

his penis was the training wheels of my sex life

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

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(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

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(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

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(330): View more from Ohio

i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels

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(647): View more from Ontario

it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me

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(315): View more from New York

making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

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(905): View more from Ontario

He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning

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(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(661): View more from California

this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(713): View more from Texas

counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there

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(573): View more from Missouri

My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

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(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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(631): View more from New York

I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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(512): View more from Texas

We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

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(424): View more from California

I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college

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(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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(727): View more from Florida

and she was petting her beer can

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.

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(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

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(516): View more from New York

I understand why you refuse to be sober now

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(415): View more from California

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today

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(314): View more from Missouri

i don't want you to think of me as your TA

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(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

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(407): View more from Florida

I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..

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(517): View more from Michigan

just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(516): View more from New York

i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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(703): View more from Virginia

bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.

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(631): View more from New York

i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.

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(914): View more from New York

I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(904): View more from Florida

took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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(703): View more from Virginia

we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(650): View more from California

last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home

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(304): View more from West Virginia

STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!

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