Texts From Last Night · mmmmrobalisa's Favorites

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mmmmrobalisa's Favorites Texts:

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr

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(507): View more from Minnesota

He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha

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(845): View more from New York

Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.

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(310): View more from California

You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Yep

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(208): View more from Idaho

It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it

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(740): View more from Ohio

I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.

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(707): View more from California

After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent

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(519): View more from Ontario

I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?

(651): View more from Minnesota

Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better

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(301): View more from Maryland

I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

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(435): View more from Utah

Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...

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(650): View more from California

At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe

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(251): View more from Alabama

my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.

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(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

(301): View more from Maryland

just fucking run.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date

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(214): View more from Texas

So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.

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(512): View more from Texas

I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.

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(904): View more from Florida

The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.

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(213): View more from California

hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"

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(432): View more from Texas

I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed

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(386): View more from Florida

Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior

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(518): View more from New York

She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.

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(309): View more from Illinois

You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.

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(941): View more from Florida

Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(770): View more from Georgia

I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.

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(+82): View more from South Korea

I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(937): View more from Ohio

You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(416): View more from Toronto

this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at

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(269): View more from Michigan

A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.

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(785): View more from Kansas

After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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(760): View more from California

I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?

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(206): View more from Washington

the night ended with taco bell and tears

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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(630): View more from Illinois

the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed

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(312): View more from Illinois

I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth

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(641): View more from Iowa

We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(404): View more from Georgia

i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

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(330): View more from Ohio

He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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(954): View more from Florida

It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.

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(905): View more from Ontario

He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."

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(512): View more from Texas

Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate

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(314): View more from Missouri

Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves

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(812): View more from Indiana

We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(909): View more from California

According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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(319): View more from Iowa

i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines

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(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.

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(210): View more from Texas

OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(785): View more from Kansas

A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"

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(951): View more from California

His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format

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(315): View more from New York

And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.

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(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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(586): View more from Michigan

the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(940): View more from Texas

and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(517): View more from Michigan

she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK

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(214): View more from Texas

Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man

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(714): View more from California

Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(+49): View more from Germany

The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving

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(416): View more from Toronto

Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.

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(631): View more from New York

Where you are. You must stay where you are are

(631): View more from New York

Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu

(631): View more from New York

Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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(713): View more from Texas

maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(305): View more from Florida

It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(513): View more from Ohio

He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

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(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.

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(646): View more from New York

So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

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(801): View more from Utah

two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?

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(574): View more from Indiana

He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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(713): View more from Texas

Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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(813): View more from Florida

It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me

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(847): View more from Illinois

just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat

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(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(+46): View more from Sweden

being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(914): View more from New York

Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.

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(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(818): View more from California

It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.

(1-818): View more from California

And this was for your brother's Christening?

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(503): View more from Oregon

The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(450): View more from Quebec

I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...

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(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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(909): View more from California

Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...

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(949): View more from California

you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

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(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(251): View more from Alabama

just found the deal breaker

(1-251): View more from Alabama

hairy back?

(251): View more from Alabama

he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

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(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(315): View more from New York

I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"

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(416): View more from Ontario

So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading

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(703): View more from Virginia

Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.

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(949): View more from California

if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.

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(516): View more from New York

...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?

(585): View more from New York

hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that

(516): View more from New York

is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Haha how much did you smoke

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

4 feet of smokeee!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

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(310): View more from California

i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????

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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(310): View more from California

but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

(612): View more from Minnesota

could be more

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

absolutely not

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(612): View more from Minnesota

so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..

(507): View more from Minnesota

god i miss watching you do this...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

how drunk are you?

(952): View more from Minnesota

What does that even mean anymore?

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(415): View more from California

I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota

(415): View more from California

everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy

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(214): View more from Texas

you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have

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(623): View more from Arizona

were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(334): View more from Alabama

She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.

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(563): View more from Iowa

My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.

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(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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(859): View more from Kentucky

make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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(410): View more from Maryland

After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk

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(425): View more from Washington

Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

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(305): View more from Florida

my head looks like a cockatoo

(1-305): View more from Florida

mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.

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(510): View more from California

Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.

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(415): View more from California

Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.

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(805): View more from California

his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk

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(775): View more from Nevada

He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Restraining orders are what college is about.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..

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(989): View more from Michigan

did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know

(1-989): View more from Michigan

no

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...

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(702): View more from Nevada

can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt

(702): View more from Nevada

maybe shoes and water too

(702): View more from Nevada

oh and maybe a noose to hang myself

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

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(713): View more from Texas

You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin

(954): View more from Florida

Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language

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(563): View more from Iowa

Your favorite bartender is back from prision

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(714): View more from California

so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

(1-714): View more from California

i'm so jealous of you right now.

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(503): View more from Oregon

two words: eviction party

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.

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(301): View more from Maryland

all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.

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(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.

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(813): View more from Florida

I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wrong number and your a loser

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

(703): View more from Virginia

It's the American dream

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(760): View more from California

ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!

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(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

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(708): View more from Illinois

he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

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(714): View more from California

i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day

(619): View more from California

ahah at least you got away with it

(714): View more from California

nope...my gran was the one who informed me

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(402): View more from Nebraska

hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

come over

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(626): View more from California

They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes

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(559): View more from California

With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.

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(819): View more from Quebec

its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger

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(309): View more from Illinois

I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): View more from Illinois

"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Pussy?

(586): View more from Michigan

how

(248): View more from Michigan

Wat do u mean how?

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(206): View more from Washington

If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.

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(801): View more from Utah

don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she just took adderol and chased it w dog water

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(912): View more from Georgia

I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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(651): View more from Minnesota

how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana

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(703): View more from Virginia

I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.

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(+93): View more from

woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(205): View more from Alabama

im getting a BJ in a closet

(205): View more from Alabama

and a penguin just handed me a bong

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(317): View more from Indiana

The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

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(480): View more from Arizona

i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend

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(206): View more from Washington

imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

(206): View more from Washington

Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(786): View more from Florida

if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass

(352): View more from Florida

godspeed.

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(239): View more from Florida

Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(914): View more from New York

I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(805): View more from California

found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

so you masturbated because Oprah told you?

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(626): View more from California

Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit

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(904): View more from Florida

sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.

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(917): View more from New York City

you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with

(217): View more from Illinois

well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...

(1-614): View more from Ohio

FUCK YOU.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

(952): View more from Minnesota

what?

(612): View more from Minnesota

i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

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(801): View more from Utah

I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I swear god or herbie drove my car home

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

(937): View more from Ohio

He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My astrological sign? Vagitarius.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you guys were way drunker than both of me

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(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

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(678): View more from Georgia

What are you drinking?

(404): View more from Georgia

Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man

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(613): View more from Ontario

so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..

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(212): View more from New York

where am i from again

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(415): View more from California

Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.

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(310): View more from California

So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(513): View more from Ohio

They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Intervention is following me on twitter.

(440): View more from Ohio

wow.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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(530): View more from California

Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust

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(845): View more from New York

he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing

(719): View more from Colorado

The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?

(303): View more from Colorado

Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(313): View more from Michigan

her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely held a convo with a hobo

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

we have a secret handshake

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

(860): View more from Connecticut

Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(660): View more from Missouri

i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals

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(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(618): View more from Illinois

he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

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(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(973): View more from New Jersey

remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

(973): View more from New Jersey

it happened again.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted

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(916): View more from California

Just got yelled at by a priest...again.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

How wet are you?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Ever heard of a U-boat?

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(310): View more from California

I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls

(415): View more from California

Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?

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(914): View more from New York

Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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