Texts From Last Night · riskyrisku's Favorites

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.

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(785): View more from Kansas

So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(510): View more from California

ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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(816): View more from Missouri

After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(213): View more from California

i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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(480): View more from Arizona

West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH

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(218): View more from Minnesota

time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.

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(586): View more from Michigan

If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."

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(720): View more from Colorado

I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Why are you covered in frosting?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I GOT MY PERIOD!

(706): View more from Georgia

damn. i had names picked out.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.

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(863): View more from Florida

If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.

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(573): View more from Missouri

my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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(718): View more from New York

You don't think I'm weird or immature right?

(917): View more from New York City

No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

Aren't you in 8th grade?

(502): View more from Kentucky

9th, but that's not the point.

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(408): View more from California

Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

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(256): View more from Alabama

FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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(416): View more from Toronto

Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

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(515): View more from Iowa

The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.

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(217): View more from Illinois

if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wow, a mother in the making

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(513): View more from Ohio

My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip

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(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

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(260): View more from Indiana

I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.

(260): View more from Indiana

Sorry- wrong number! :)

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.

(602): View more from Arizona

you slept with him again didn't you

(480): View more from Arizona

you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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(360): View more from Washington

You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.

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(343): View more from Ontario

STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

(320): View more from Minnesota

Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(954): View more from Florida

I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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(815): View more from Illinois

Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(952): View more from Minnesota

well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.

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(914): View more from New York

We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.

(1-914): View more from New York

Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award

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(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.

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(206): View more from Washington

Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

(360): View more from Washington

You're getting good at this, you know that?

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(914): View more from New York

End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home

(419): View more from Ohio

move.

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(518): View more from New York

I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us

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(587): View more from Alberta

His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

(587): View more from Alberta

She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

or abortion recommendation cards.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't get it.

(501): View more from Arkansas

Me neither.

(501): View more from Arkansas

But I masturbated to it anyway.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

those are such fre$h shoes

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!

(917): View more from New York City

question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?

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(248): View more from Michigan

@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu

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(985): View more from Louisiana

i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.

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(949): View more from California

Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.

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(514): View more from Quebec

You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.

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(706): View more from Georgia

dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is

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(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(334): View more from Alabama

she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"

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(315): View more from New York

He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'

(973): View more from New Jersey

Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.

(229): View more from Georgia

Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?

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(289): View more from Ontario

It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(512): View more from Texas

no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.

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(727): View more from Florida

He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...

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(317): View more from Indiana

cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

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(804): View more from Virginia

she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

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(360): View more from Washington

I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

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(786): View more from Florida

hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you

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(904): View more from Florida

Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I got chris browned last night

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(208): View more from Idaho

We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(973): View more from New Jersey

had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Not having phil's child is good enough.

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(216): View more from Ohio

As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.

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(818): View more from California

Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

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(914): View more from New York

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

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(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(573): View more from Missouri

The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season

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(678): View more from Georgia

Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(314): View more from Missouri

used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(315): View more from New York

Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(562): View more from California

just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(703): View more from Virginia

then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

(773): View more from Illinois

I forgot about that,good spring break.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(616): View more from Michigan

he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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