Texts From Last Night · ximen's Favorites

Sorry 08GSXR600 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

ximen's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense

Fav 5 2973 1017
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

Fav 10 5086 1557
share tweet

(615): View more from Tennessee

Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it

Fav 10 1371 3654
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?

(303): View more from Colorado

He told her it was international road head day.

Fav 11 5640 1469
share tweet
(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

Fav 9 5500 1479
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

Fav 13 1688 4860
share tweet

(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

Fav 9 6876 1366
share tweet

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

Fav 37 14192 1708
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.

Fav 7 1287 6763
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

Fav 22 8133 1833
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend

Fav 7 3954 1383
share tweet

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

Fav 35 9719 2202
share tweet

(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

Fav 12 8138 1354
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

Fav 27 7633 1312
share tweet

(802): View more from Vermont

Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?

Fav 19 4775 1213
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

Fav 16 10635 1513
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

Fav 23 12439 1804
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.

Fav 4 3756 1651
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.

Fav 30 2020 4783
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

Fav 22 2278 9000
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes

Fav 27 5113 1387
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.

Fav 7 3460 1485
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

Fav 14 6340 1462
share tweet
(858): View more from California

We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.

Fav 89 2412 13832
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

Fav 25 2860 11553
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

Fav 19 16130 2496
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?

Fav 15 1992 5166
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Walk of Shame today included voting.

Fav 26 6478 1239
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.

Fav 3 2220 3215
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.

Fav 6 3583 1214
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

Fav 14 8705 1131
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you

Fav 14 3525 1624
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

Fav 9 4489 1308
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

Fav 17 2023 5591
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers

Fav 18 2119 6498
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

Fav 71 25980 2506
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

Fav 20 5135 1885
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table

Fav 24 1528 4632
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

Fav 6 1504 4125
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

Fav 14 6483 2056
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

Fav 30 7270 3270
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

Fav 11 7419 1261
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

Fav 11 1800 6287
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...

Fav 9 3403 1162
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

Fav 143 2757 51382
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

Fav 17 9069 1496
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?

Fav 23 3265 2058
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

Fav 19 2568 6962
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

Fav 17 6120 1649
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

Fav 30 6072 2328
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

Fav 5 5360 1347
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

Fav 28 1731 10651
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.

Fav 9 2393 4276
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

Fav 21 8833 1434
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

Fav 26 5544 1761
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

Fav 16 2858 3691
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.

Fav 15 5016 1366
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

Fav 10 5086 1305
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

Fav 18 2155 6409
share tweet
(247): View more from

Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.

Fav 11 1235 4650
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.

Fav 7 3972 1761
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.

Fav 11 1072 4206
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

Fav 8 4344 2263
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.

Fav 4 4796 1830
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

Fav 46 3356 14249
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

Fav 5 6552 1765
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

Fav 15 9276 1551
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

Fav 15 8132 1623
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

Fav 31 15546 2222
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

Fav 11 6100 1298
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

Fav 10 6405 1787
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

Fav 24 2051 14908
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

Fav 6 5046 1414
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

Fav 28 2986 7437
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

Fav 12 5658 1477
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

Fav 5 1865 6257
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

Fav 79 16395 3382
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

Fav 91 2158 25270
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

Fav 28 10162 1427
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

Fav 10 6106 1376
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

Fav 26 2256 16879
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

Fav 30 12867 2260
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

Fav 19 8290 2200
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???

Fav 30 4969 1824
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.

Fav 12 4906 1858
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

Fav 11 7342 1517
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

Fav 14 4828 1516
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

Fav 55 27832 2975
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

Fav 65 21689 2542
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

Fav 62 6990 2334
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

Fav 39 7219 1460
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

Fav 19 6820 1504
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now

Fav 18 5036 2095
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.

Fav 34 1827 4823
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

Fav 18 6531 1961
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

it's great music for shaving your balls

Fav 25 4163 2047
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

Fav 13 6905 1300
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23542 2201
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

Fav 9 7989 1518
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

Fav 41 9937 3832
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4805 10324
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

Fav 8 6280 1487
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6600 2078
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.

Fav 19 1963 4224
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

Fav 25 11943 1625
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

Fav 47 12198 2843
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.

Fav 16 1443 5043
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?

Fav 35 2774 10483
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

Fav 17 2742 5170
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

Fav 8 5022 1519
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

Fav 88 15149 3443
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

Fav 13 6813 2591
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

Fav 49 6930 3284
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.

Fav 29 1494 5650
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

Fav 51 13679 1690
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

Fav 15 5695 2066
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

Fav 12 1491 6997
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

Fav 40 2623 6513
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

Fav 30 6698 1794
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

Fav 42 2242 5845
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10255 1638
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

Fav 15 4512 2719
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

Fav 34 2033 4684
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

Fav 35 10992 1774
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

Fav 20 7828 1626
share tweet
(310): View more from California

so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

Fav 22 9118 1661
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.

Fav 26 1081 5578
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

Fav 137 7393 5952
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf

Fav 24 1233 14207
share tweet
(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

Fav 116 6959 12720
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.

Fav 35 1592 4402
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

Fav 31 1953 5273
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

Fav 32 17994 1845
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

Fav 264 3076 28091
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

Fav 70 13894 6053
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

Fav 19 3287 6284
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17987 2071
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

Fav 17 7588 1627
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

Fav 12 8815 1436
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

Fav 22 15631 1743
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

Fav 800 8605 112725
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

Fav 13 6346 1293
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

Fav 38 10921 2515
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

Fav 13 7178 1238
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

Fav 17 6934 2199
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.

Fav 25 5405 2647
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

Fav 11 6094 1448
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

Fav 20 9453 1871
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16037 4498
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

Fav 20 7712 1623
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

Fav 22 14908 1830
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

Fav 34 2136 6388
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

Fav 114 1952 25664
share tweet
(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

Fav 23 7118 1812
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

Fav 60 15769 2602
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

Fav 11 6176 1651
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

Fav 25 12705 1830
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

Fav 57 8660 3029
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

Fav 31 9361 1966
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

Fav 19 7988 1595
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1917
share tweet
(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

Fav 22 14761 1539
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

Fav 22 6468 2365
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

Fav 27 9715 4569
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

Fav 38 13587 1853
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

Fav 13 7092 1498
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.

Fav 35 4459 1995
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67671 4397
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19545 2392
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

Fav 23 11860 1631
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35244 2059
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)

Fav 21 6359 1960
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.

Fav 39 6430 3276
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.

Fav 10 5869 1102
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

Fav 30 2108 8197
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.

Fav 55 2321 8046
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16530 1701
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

Fav 22 8457 2041
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

Fav 48 2488 9157
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it

Fav 13 1853 5078
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

Fav 67 8982 2449
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

Fav 13 7075 1530
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

Fav 73 1814 13287
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.

Fav 17 6165 1053
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"

Fav 22 6467 1192
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28901 3781
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

Fav 36 10569 3675
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

Fav 33 8508 1791
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

Fav 14 9351 1670
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.

Fav 35 2694 5259
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Fav 65 29375 2499
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11548 1663
share tweet
(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

Fav 52 2718 10607
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

Fav 24 7916 2104
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

Fav 35 1676 14431
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

Fav 29 7104 2056
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

Fav 19 6263 3070
share tweet
(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

Fav 21 3327 7326
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

Fav 22 7778 2115
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

Fav 35 2161 5436
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

Fav 30 13943 1497
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

Fav 21 10795 1617
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

Fav 13 7846 1427
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

Fav 70 14198 1983
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.

Fav 22 1229 8514
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

Fav 22 9822 1545
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...

Fav 36 1618 9657
share tweet
(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

Fav 20 7677 1933
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

Fav 26 1713 8233
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

Fav 28 13866 2502
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.

Fav 18 5217 2217
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.

Fav 5 1270 2279
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone

Fav 19 960 4366
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly

Fav 24 1128 7523
share tweet
(415): View more from California

just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?

Fav 13 3047 904
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.

Fav 48 5150 2136
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!

Fav 53 1047 5827
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

Fav 33 1641 12877
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

Fav 36 9288 1420
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

Fav 53 9650 1200
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.

Fav 31 2471 1260
share tweet
(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

Fav 28 8253 1201
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.

Fav 93 5951 1151
share tweet
(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

Fav 23 14810 1607
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

Fav 77 8191 4878
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

Fav 35 14141 1500
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

(318): View more from Louisiana

Alcohol?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Sex with a fat chick.

Fav 16 1192 1893
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

Fav 46 2656 11663
share tweet
(714): View more from California

i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day

(619): View more from California

ahah at least you got away with it

(714): View more from California

nope...my gran was the one who informed me

Fav 10 1438 2886
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab

Fav 20 4606 1726
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

Fav 98 33311 1776
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

Fav 125 8081 2799
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

Fav 16 4971 1316
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

Fav 16 6340 1323
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again

Fav 7 3866 1645
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

Fav 12 6837 1888
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

Fav 47 13407 1287
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

(905): View more from Ontario

And sadly I did.

Fav 25 2349 4342
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5136
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

Fav 20 6457 1282
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.

(1-416): View more from Ontario

u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u

Fav 16 1452 4103
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.

Fav 22 932 1701
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history

Fav 19 1506 2898
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

Fav 68 1789 6789
share tweet
(909): View more from California

i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.

Fav 9 7838 1285
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.

Fav 11 4092 1095
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173891 44336
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75101 3013
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

Fav 16 6600 1501
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146111 10759
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.

Fav 73 4666 6779
share tweet